Today's featured article

“Beauty.”
 :~ John A. MacDonald on Canada

Canadians, or Canadianus Beerbellius, are the descendants of castaways of two pasty European nations, England and France.

Back in the day, England and France each had one problem: French people and English people, respectively. While their first solution to the problem (varying degrees of war with each other, themselves, and other countries) had successfully led to the death and mangling of untold thousands over the centuries, neither country had yet managed to annihilate the other.

A new solution had to be found. Great minds in both countries sat and pondered, eventually coming up with the brilliant ideas of more war and bigger war. These were tested on a small scale but proved unsatisfying, unsuccessful and unsomethingelse.

War, unfortunately, had two crippling disadvantages; dead people from war, and protests from the people who would end up as dead people in the next war.

A new new solution had to be found. Preferably one that involved some place far away...and what place was farther away than Canada? (more...)

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Goggles will be useless at the malls, for they do nothing.

• 1799 - Woody Guthrie was seen at the mall with his guitar.
• 1812 - Famed time traveller Woody Harrelson goes back in time to bring the idea of the mall to the past.
• 1940 - Joseph Stalin is caught with a woody at the mall. Later that evening, twelve million peasants are killed.
• 1955 - Carmen Miranda dies; shares of United Fruit decline 20% in heavy trading.
• 1965 - JFK gets assaninated again, grassy knoll charged.
• 1979 - First recorded instance of mass-woodying by all the men attending the opening of Britain's first shopping mall.
• 1980 - Woody Allen appears mysteriously at Detroit strip mall, is disappointed to find that the Big Boy doesn't offer kosher meals; he then proceeds to the Asian section of the food court.
• 1998 - Woody from Toy Story is said to be at the mall.
• 2000 - woody woodpecker seen at mall
• 2000 - Academy Award winning actor Sir Alec Guiness dies at the age of 86. Or at least, it is assumed he died, since all that is found is an empty robe and a lightsaber.
• 2006 - Cape Breton invades Uncyclopedia.

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