User:Sonic80/Julius Caesar
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The Assassination of Julius Caesar (at the Hands of a Lying Group of Scumbag Bastards) is an interjecting story that takes place towards the end of the great William Shakespeare play of Julius Caesar. The famous 20th century Italian author and playwright, Luigi Pirandello depicts the in-depth actions of the bastards that made up the Roman Senate during the year 44 BC, when Julius Caesar was murdered, and the actions taken by them to plan the murder in depth in this 1902 classic. The story focuses mainly on the day before, and the day of Caesar's murder.
The story is relatively short, very biased towards the side of the Roman Dictatorship, and is very historically inaccurate, however it is still considered one of the greatest pieces of Italian literature ever produced. In the story, Pirandello expresses his disgust in the Roman Republic, and by doing so, also inserts some unexpected narrations which was, at the time, not a wide-spread phonetic device. The vulgarity of the story also was attributed to its massive success.
Contents |
[edit] Chapter 1: The Ides of March
- The story begins on the night before the murder of Julius Caesar, where he is visited by a common soothsayer who gives him a grim outlook on the next (and possibly last) day of his life. Soothsayer is promptly decapitated. -
"You will be dead by this time tomorrow, King Caesar, by many, in a slow and very painful way. Your friends will be the cause, those sniveling bastards," warned that filthy soothsayer. "Oh, and according to history I am supposed to say 'Ides of march,' whatever the hell that means."
"Alright then, I will keep that in mind when I go to see the Senate tomorrow. Remove this bastard from my court and remove his head. Honestly, who let that thing in to begin with? I didn't ask for a fortune anyway." Caesar arose from his majestic throne, and demanded a glass of water from one of his many servants. He then called to one of his aides. "Octavius, take this down. Mental note, make law to kill fortune-tellers on sight."
The year was 44 BC, Caesar had begun his rise to the benevolent title of dictator of all Rome, and his sun tan was going very well. A nice even coat that any Roman woman would die to bang. Yes, it seemed all was well in Rome. Caesar had the Senate wrapped around his finger, kissing his ass about everything, just hoping not to be decapitated in a very unceremonious way.
Or so he thought.
[edit] Chapter 2: Well, he thought wrong
- Very early the next morning the Roman Senate meets at an undisclosed location. Pirandello, being the fan of Caesar that he is, has a much harder time staying non-biased during this chapter. In doing so he also becomes the first author to describe something as a "Shit-bag cum-machine". -
The morning was March 15th, roughly 2:00 AM in the Roman Empire. The land was all asleep, not thinking about the next day, and what lies ahead. Instead they dreamed about sugar plums, and gingerbread houses, and Santa's belly jiggling like a bowl full of jelly (alright, maybe not), and of course, the occasional dream sex with a beautiful Roman prostitute, but that can be expected, can't it?
However, while the rest of the empire went into a dream-land, where anything is possible, and their spouses will never have to know about, a secret Roman Senate meeting was being held.
"I call this meeting of the great and majestic (and sniveling, shit-bag cum-machine) Roman Senate to order," whispered the speaker, high enough for everyone there to hear, but not loud enough to wake the Roman people from their unconscious state (and sometimes drunk stupor). In short, the meeting was to decide the manner that the ungrateful bastards would murder their lord and savior, the great and all powerful, and my personal hero, Julius Caesar (god, I love him so).
[edit] Chapter 3:
[edit] Chapter 4: É tu, you son of a bitch?
- Chapter 4 was the final chapter of the story, and featured a heart-warming dialogue between Caesar and his scumbag, son of a bitch ex-best friend, Brutus. It was about Brutus' mother, and her sexual preferences about Caesar. The dialogue ends when Brutus brutally stabbed Caesar in his throat (which was not what the senate had planned). -
Now it was Brutus' turn. "É tu, you son of a bitch?" asked the fading Caesar.
Brutus looked upon him with sadness in his eyes. "It didn't have to be this way old friend. You could have pulled out when you had the chance."
"So could your mother, all those times when I did what no father of yours could do." said Caesar in a slightly immature, but still all the more heroic way. "In and out I went. No! Don't stop she would scream. Your wife too! She was excellent."
Anger bubbled up in Brutus as he listened to Caesars awkward mix of sexual noises, and bloody gurgling. He had to silence this bastard, he thought to himself. Make him pay.
He looked at the mangled corpse of his once best friend, after the rest of the senate had done their part, and thought to himself, "damn, that bastard still owes me money."
