User:Sycamore/UnBooks:Kuala Lumpur
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“Indeed Poe's character Finnius Greenock is the very making of detective fiction... petty crime solved by a petty imp with a shit car”
- ~ Ambrose Bierce on Edgar Allan Poe's Kuala Lumpur
Often a man may find answers in a battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable ting, for anther such man, The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur, a beast that must be retrieved from the diabolic trischopian thought process of such a refined mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men.
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[edit] The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur
It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often keen to converse with Finnius, although a sound thinker with eight degrees back to back, he was no match for the "Build up" that Finnius was capable of.... ...the door and goes into the derelict Parisian mansion ground down from years of neglect; the shutters are drawn in an ominous silence contrasting the sound of moaning whores surrounding the mansion.
Verily I saw Greenock handle the file the commissioner handed over, detailing the mysterious quango theft, 'indeed commissioner. 'Commissioner it comes as no surprise as I already divined your quest and the involvement with me a private citizen with little concern for these matter; as you are aware I usually deal with sordid murders like rape and position as it give me unnamed narrator something to practice the great art of oninism later in the security of our dilapidated world, this dump of a mansion; now that I have exacted the last reasonable use of semi colon and enjoying myself speak I hand over to explain you petty case'.
The commissioner began at length to discuss the matter with us, 'surely' he said 'you remember the day when you gentlemen were making a living extracting semen for living, at which point Greenock interjected, 'I’ll have no such talk here, my concern s for the present as well as for Greek philosophy', 'Well' the commissioner began again 'the incident with ape compels me to bring forth this case, which has baffled our police minds, so much so, that we must once again seek the wisdom of your philosophy and skills not only as an empiricist but also as a metaphysician'. We have a stolen quagga on our hands, and since the event, we have come to conclusion that the veracity of our case will not reveal itself without the intellect of your person.
Our leads tell us something the wicked D- may well have no small involvement, as is customary rare items even living are of interest to him. The quagga in question is a female who may prove valuable in the arts of Venus to create more of her wretched kind. She has proved reluctant, but we have high hopes my wife’s eager horse may provide fruition for our hopes in that department. I had hoped that you may also provide some of your learned acumen on that matter...
'Speak no further my pretty commissioner, Werther, my sweet bitch, go next door, I think you will find he chiefs quarry. I was shocked, there in the room was the quagga, perfectly fit and well but for a glass eye.....
Greenock presently began to explain this whilst the quagga relived itself on the floor, 'Yes commissioner I was out of town for a few days on nest that the wick D- had been up to his old tricks, and had stolen valuable item, though my prior deductions I recollected like the Platonist dog that I am that they had fled to the Malaysian city of Kuala Lumpur to achieve whatever diabolic plan they were on. 'At first' I was convinced that D- could be responsible' Greenock paused to swig some absinthe and puff he shisha briefly, 'however' he continued 'D- was a creature a devoid of the audacity to commit such a crime... So much so he is a completely outside of his compression to do such a deed... I sought for higher individuals capable of such a crime, the quagga was no small a target for a criminally disposed individual'.
Greenock began to speak at length of how awesome he was to have been arrested in front of D- whilst brandishing a samurai sword and presenting masturbatory acts the middle of the street in front of hundreds of people. 'Indeed commissioner it was a dreadful time as I was violated in unspeakable ways during my stay at the Kuala Lumpur jail, I truly empathize with poor Werther here. 'Having heard a great deal on the matter I proceeded to track down the Quagga knowing that balloon was used, for there a wider possibility assailed me from all deductions I was forced to conceded some degree of amelioration to my former conclusions and assumptions....
D- A thief? Are you mad? Nay, verily D- is a man consumed to decipher not the mode but rather the application of Count V-'s ambitions. He has long sought to steal the Quagga and drink the sweet milk of fine males which were kept in a Parisian whorehouse. How it may sicken the common man that such diabolic things occur... we ourselves must fact his awful truth Geeves.
As I presently tried to see the light I was hit by the shock of the crime, I lit up another Cigar and made my way to the bar - acapulco shirts are the reason to get drunk and start the proclivities to which our love could not suffice in Paris; verily I feel my heart is open in this exotic and overly brash attempt and originality. It was there in the midst of Kuala Lumpur that I espied the resolution to which I had set take open when we formally spoke in Paris, France. It may seem the states of my predicament had left me all too impotent as I had down fifteen beers but I vowed to retrieve the Quagga from the Friends when in the alcohol haze and lucid thought stuck me. I was in the back of a police car with several heavy’s threatening to have the satisfaction of me, one can only imagine commissioner what a state I was in. I was not sure whether they were going to sort me out with their fists or take me in hand to the cell.
'Luckily' Greenock continued ' I was finally able to secure release, having enlisted the help of the local authorities and they managed to wrest control of the Quagga's status whilst I looked on, much pleased seeing my wider designs fulfilled'.
'Afterword I was asked to remove the quagga and myself from Kuala Lumpur and the country, and I was informed not to return. hay I was to see my work done and the evil count V- foiled yet again, we may see it as another case where I failed to really get the dame, and showed that on a street so full of trouble and bestial concerns, a man of artistic disposition and reason my foil even the most wayward of humanities stock.
