User:Testicles/Shit Music (to be stolen if original article is huffed)

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An evident result of listening to shit music.

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Shit music is the scientific and medical term for music that causes constant involuntary bowel movements. It can be predominantly found on MTV and found on iPods of high school students. It is known to create doubt, loss of faith, loss of virginity, and A&R psychic meltdown. Here are a few examples of shit music:

1 Bright Eyes
2 Green Day
3 My Chemical Romance
4 Other Examples
5 So What is “Shit Music”?
6 How It Happens
7 Symptoms
8 See also

[edit] Bright Eyes

This "band" was created by Connor Oberst, an overrated suburban boy with a knack for girls' pants...used girls' pants. Turns out Connor can't play the guitar worth shit, but he gets by with stupidly easy power chords and constantly playing the D chord. Despite his seemingly innate ability to suck, fans, especially pubescent girls, go crazy over him because he's slightly attractive if you squint your eyes.

[edit] Green Day

Somehow, this band didn't always suck. Actually they did, a bit. Only after their release of "American Idiot" however did they prove they were shit music. In fact, scientists the world over were amazed that one band could fit such a high level of pure shit on one optical disc. Of course, to top off the continuous bowel movements they forced to come out of speakers and amplifiers, Billie Joe Armstrong decided to get a sex change, finally becoming a man.

[edit] My Chemical Romance

This all-guy band started in the suburbs of Jersey, a totally completely rad hardcore place to grow up. It was originally started by lead vocalist Gerard Way, and his brother, Milky Way. With two years of instrument lessons (the first of which was spent learning how to put on scary make up), and less than a month of rehearsal, they made it big with such songs as"Helena" and "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"; and all of these songs contain no musical talent or effort. They are also well known for their shitty music videos (i.e. a funeral the turns into a musical, etc.). Though they are often called “MCR” for short, they have also been referred to as:

The band that I listen to when I want to listen to something that wil make me question the existence of a God.
That one group with that one guy who has the shittiest voice
The retarded band with a pansy lead vocalist.
people with terrible music taste's favorite band.
The band that I listen to when I want to listen to something that wil make me question the existence of joy.
The band that I listen to when I want to listen to something that wil make me question my family, the authority, my bus driver, some guy, and my gender.
Lastly, if a person makes a statement such as, “this is fucking amazing”, they are probably not listening to My Chemical Romance.

My Chemical Romance has also been romantically linked to Bert MCcracken. Unfortunately, Michael Jackson denies it, stating, "My Chemical Romance...I never did anything with those young men. I mean, they suck! IN THE BAD WAY! For God's sake!"

On a side note, Gerard Way and Michael Jackson are both strikingly similar in appearance. Below are two side-by-side contrasts between the two musicians. Draw your own conclusions:

Comparison One
An actual shot of Gerard Way, dressed like a sex god.	An infamous shot of Michael Jackson. .
Comparison Two
Once again, Gerard Way. This time in a suit with a tie.	Mr. Jackson, in a suit and tie as well.

Hawthorne Heights live in concert! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Panic! At the Disco, also live in concert! ( )( )===D

[edit] Other Examples

Emo music (as a whole; otherwise known as butt-rock)

Rap (as a whole)

James Blunt
Hi-5
John Miles
Nick Who
Boy Bands (as a whole)

[edit] So What is “Shit Music”?

A band/artist is considered “shit music” if…

all of the members share pants and shop together.
the lyrics are too fucking hard to figure out due to various grammatical mistakes, shitty vocals, and/or the lyrics being simply meaningless mixture of words.
they (the band members) don’t know the meaning of the word “guitar solo”.
they originated from a suburb (a majority of shit music artists come from the suburbs. Exception to the rule: Nirvana; but they can be blamed for this much needed ruling.).
it is played on MTV.
the members wear makeup (i.e. eyeliner). Exception to the rule: ~~Phil Collins~~ ~~Mötley Crüe~~ ~~Kiss~~ Anything prior to 1991.
they have a pretentious vocalist by the shit name of "Bono".
they don’t state Led Zeppelin as an influence, or even know about Led Zeppelin. J.P. IS GOD!
they state Black Sabbath as an influence, but wouldn't tell Iron Man from Spiderman.
none of the members know how to tune a guitar.
they advertise for themselves and ask blatantly for votes on TRL or other obvious fan support.
they sound shitty (obviously)
the band is named "Fall Out Boy"
they sing about rainbows Exception to the rule: Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow, Ronnie James Dio and Kermitt the Frog's "Rainbow Connection.
they're lead singer sounds like a five year kid being fucked while singing. Yeah, you know you what I'm talking about, sick FUCKING bastard, I KNOW you like to touch your thingy while looking at child porn when you listen to Billy Corgan. Please don't do it anymore, would you?
they whine so much you'd rather be with your six-year old cousin
ARRGGHHHH MY EARS!
Anything that refers to my penis
They mention cutting their wrists in their so called lyrics.
The singer looks and/or sounds like a girl. Exception to the rule: Freddie Mercury
old school rap is "da shit", but modern rap is more like "shit, da"
Whine about being emo, cutting themselves, then slashing blood all over themselves
Dont know what a Gibson or Fender is, probually thinks they are sex toys
"Dude looks like a lady!" Does not include Aerosmith
Steals lyrics/riffs from other bands. Such as Gym Class Heroes stole from Supertramp.
Dosent know who Jimi Hendrix was, but states him as an influence becuase he is black, and they think it will look good on their part
Use older bands lyrics, but they have no idea of the point of the song.

[edit] How It Happens

Morphine, one of the only known treatments for shit music.

Some of you may be wondering just how this type of music causes bowel movements; some of you may even be suggesting that it's anatomically impossible. Dr. Zhivago and Cecil explain that it is first caused when the ears pick up the soundwaves. The precise arrangement of ~~rhythm~~ shit, ~~bass~~ shit, and ~~pitch~~ more shit found in shit music irritates the Eustachian tube in the ear, causing a complete loss of controlled pressure in the pharynx. It's unknown after that what happens, but it does happen, and it will happen to your mom. It has also been termed 'brown' noise, and is nothing like white noise, or blues.

It has been recognized as a national epidemic. Currently, there is no cure for shit music. One of the only known treatments available are large supplements of morphine and LSD. Another suggested cure is to listen to Holosync Technologies or talk to a DJ, but this is costly, and may take years to begin to assist in reprogramming already severely damaged motor neuron functioning in the brain. There is a danger that shit music may inadvertently snap the corpus collosum and render the listener bi-polar. Once shit music has been detected, medical advice is to run in the opposite direction without making it obvious to anyone what you are doing. Do this silently, like a meditation to release the pressure in your mind. If all else fails, stop listening to all music for awhile and start your own band.

[edit] Symptoms

Here are a few symptoms of one who listens to shit music:

have slit wrists/scar tissue on the wrists.
wearing dark eyeliner.
going to Wikipedia.org.
drawing/wearing "heartagrams".
excessively writing on MySpace about going to "shows", the likes of which sucked.
the inability to survive a mosh pit.
becoming bisexual overnight.
putting holes in jeans for "fashion".
using "<3", ever.
dying your hair black.
writing whiny poetry about, blood, crappy music, poopy music, shitty music, four walls, etc...
after all of the above, wonders why people don't "get them".
reading Naked Lunch and claims it's the best book ever.
thinking Stairway to Heaven is an "uncool Christian-rock song"