User:Zim ulator/Catbox

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Chocolate Jesus

A short-lived confection rolled out for Easter in 1972 and wiped out by Opus Dei.

Australian Rules Jousting

Australian Rules Jousting
Australian Rules Jousting

AUSTRALIAN RULES JOUSTING is first documented in the Magna Carta, third foot note, as being a "bloodye goode wye t' swoothe and slye one nother, mostwise if bothe men be killt!". The second mention of the psychotic sport can be found in Beowulf. King Thenselhoofe the Scot of Denmark hosted the first feudal inter-clan games in 945 AD, where small children were tied onto the blades of windmills, tossing shortened javelins at one another. Two of the survivors of the day went on to found their own royal houses in Mongolia and Tahiti. Beowulf himself was present as a relief pitcher, but never actually left the bench.

In its original form, Australian Rules Jousting diverged from Regular, Old Jousting on March 12, 892 AD. At the time, the French and the English spent most of their waking hours taunting one another, going to war, but mostly calling one another "pussyes". Duke Leto Atreides of Northwest Frumpshire, Wales finally broke more than 200 years of tiresome tradition by inventing the continent of Australia, and delaring their joust to be more manly than that of the French.

A long list of changes was drafted by a council of Ents who served under Atreides as firewood.

UnNews: rev_zim speaks UnNews in tongues

With miz_calculated as my assistant, doing translation into English, a la Garrett Morris.

BEZS Bandwidth Efficient Zim_ulator Suppression

YouTube videos

How can something be so wrong yet be so right at the same time?
How can something be so wrong yet be so right at the same time?

New! - see this story broadcast on
Boozy women fight less














the cat box



Seven Performing Seals of the Apocalypse

George Pike aka Bat Fuck Satan, began his evil mission in 1885 under the guise of a carnival acts promoter.
George Pike aka Bat Fuck Satan, began his evil mission in 1885 under the guise of a carnival acts promoter.

[1]

The end of the world

In recent times the designation apocalyptic literature, or apocalyptic, has commonly been used to include the portions of the Jewish and Christian Scriptures, whether canonical or apocryphal, in which eschatological predictions are given in the form of a revelation, including parts of the Gospel of Mark, and the Gospel of John.

In English, the word apocalypse now commonly refers to the end of the world. The current meaning may be an ellipsis of the phrase apokalupsis eschaton (apocalyptic eschatology), meaning "revelation of knowledge of the end of time". This ellipsis in common usage echoes the ellipsis in the title of the last book of the Bible, Book of Revelation, which is commonly interpreted as prophesying the end of the world in graphic detail. See also eschatology and millennialism.

In apocalyptic literature, the end of the world, was often described using images of resurrection and judgment of the dead. Interestingly, these ideas were not explicitly developed in the pre-apocalyptic books of the Hebrew Bible. So the existence of such beliefs in Judaism, Christianity and Islam may all be traced to apocalyptic writings.

The history of Christianity is peppered with Millennial sects almost from its very beginning. The modern Christian movements are concentrated in the 18th and 19th Centuries and include the rise of Apocalyptic sects such as the Christadelphians of note.

The Apocalypse as the "end of the age"

The word apocalypse in Greek means "unveiling". In John's apocalypse, the book of Revelation, he refers to the "unveiling" or "revelation" of Jesus Christ as Messiah. This term has been downgraded in common usage to refer to the end of the world. But it is more accurate to interpret the term "end of the world", as we see in the King James Version of the Bible, as the "end of the age". The word translated as "world" is actually the Greek word "eon" or "age".

The eschatological pictures of the end of the age in the later books of the Old Testament were images of judgment of the wicked, as well as the resurrection and glorification of those who were righteous before God. The book of Job and in the Psalms the dead are seen as being in Sheol awaiting the final judgement, from whence the wicked will be consigned to eternal torment in the fires of Hades or hell.

The New Testament letters written by the Apostle Paul expand on this theme of judgment of the wicked and glorification of those who belong to Christ or Messiah. In his letters to the Corinthians and the Thessalonians Paul expounds further on the destiny of the righteous. He speaks of the simultaneous resurrection and rapture of those who are in Christ, (or Messiah). This is a combined apocalyptic event that comes at the end of this age and before the coming Millennium.

Christianity had a Millennial expectation for glorification of the righteous from the time it emerged from Judaism and spread out into the world in the first century. The poetic and prophetic literature of the Hebrew Bible, particularly in Isaiah, were rich in Millennial imagery. The New Testament Congregation after Pentecost carried on with this theme. During his imprisonment by the Romans on the Island of Patmos, John described the visions he experienced, writing the Book of Revelation. Revelation chapter 20 contains several reference to a thousand year reign of Christ/Messiah upon this earth.

Throughout Church history the kings and princes of Europe had traditionally viewed with extreme disfavor the idea of a judgement at the end of this age and a Millennium to follow. King Henry VIII was very angry when he heard that his subjects were reading smuggled copies of William Tyndale's New Testament. Upon hearing that they were discussing the judgement at the end of the age he flew into a rage. Archibishop Wolsey was summoned and questioned about this. A series of events then led to William Tyndale being hunted down, captured, condemned, and burned at the stake. Preaching or teaching on end time apocalytic themes in the "Three Self" government church in China is strictly forbidden.

Modern Christian movements in the 18th and 19th Centuries were characterized by a rise of Millennialism. Christian Apocalyptic eschatology was a continuation of the same two themes referred to throughout all of scripture as "this age" and "the age to come". Evangelicals have led the way in rediscovering and popularizing the biblical prophecy of a showdown between good and evil at the end of this age and a coming Millennium to follow. Most evangelicals have been taught a form of Millennialism known as Dispensationalism which arose in the 19th century. Dispensationalism sees separate destinies for the Church and Israel. Its concept of a special Pre Tribulation Rapture of the Church has become extremely popular. This is the central thesis of the Left Behind books and films. Recently, however, Dispensationalism has been enduring some stiff opposition from those who embrace what is termed Traditional Millennialism. Prominent among them are those who hold to a Post Tribulation Rapture.

See also

References

External links

Template:Wikiquote

Ottoman Umpire

  • <xsound>brandish.mp3</xsound>


Jackbooted Links Brigade

User:Uncle J

Thanks for your contribution to UnNews:Barack Obama calls for Socialist Revolution in America, and whatever else you may have done thys far (I'm way too lazy to research that myself). I'm considering adding you to the as-yet-uncreated Links Jackbooted Brigade

A Portrait of the Gobshite as a Young Man

James Joyce

[2]

Christian Apolpgetics for the stupid

http://www.apologizingforjesus.com/

Merry Kaizume Me!

Kaizum Me! is the first holiday sanctioned by the church of zimizm. It's origin lay in the distant past, circa 1978 at Kadena Air Base at Okinawa. A witty acquaintance who knew I had an interest in the arts martial put a heavy question to me: "What the fuck does kaizum me! mean?!" The phrase was apparently uttered by a sort of referee during martial arts sparring, and was accompanied by a gesture or gestures, lost to the mists of history, and signaled the beginning of animated and sometimes silly forms of combat. God told me, in a dream, that "Kaizum Me!" means "commence to beating the shit out of one another!"

Because Uncyclopedia is a crucial organ of the body of the church of zimizm, it is intuitively obvious that Kaizume Me has a reciprocal meaning to it's actual meaning in Okinawan meat space, that is to say, an Uncyclopedian using the phrase "Kaizume Me!""' is saying "commence to stop beating the shit out of one another and have a few laughs". Braydie said that this is all nonsense, and provided me with a sequence proofs and paradoxes (such as the now infamous, "if an Uncyclopedian says Kaizum Me to another Uncyclopedian, does it un-undo the meaning, and make it a hostile utterance?"), but I condemned him to an eternal hell of moles inhabiting his lower bowel, so pay no attention. Others say it is a wish for world peace, much like the sediment conveyed by such Holiday wishes as Merry Christmas, Happy Chaunakah, Happy Kwanza, Merry Your Relative Martyred Hiself For God Day, or whatever. I say, "blah!"


zim_cast

What could that be about?

From the craziness of IRC, ff used the word "zimcast" and it suddenly occured to me that it'd be kinda cool if we added a supplement to the podcast called the Weekly (or monthly, or never if you think this sucks) Zimcast where you are posed a few questions, and you attempt to address them with whatever style of advice takes your fancy (I'm thinking ranging from caustic cynicism to fluffy bunny talk, depending on who asked or some such attribute) so give me a buzz with your opinion. Also, hope you and seg have been well! Cheers! --Olipro Anchor KUN (Harass) 16:35, 21 October 2006 (UTC)



We predict John Edward will sues UnNews for defamation of character

John Edward's steely psychic gaze fill UnNews with dread. And what's with that tan line on his forehead?
John Edward's steely psychic gaze fill UnNews with dread. And what's with that tan line on his forehead?

ST PETERSBURG, Florida -- Famed psychic weirdo John Edward will file papers in a Florida State court today, suing UnNews for 3.2 million Euros for defamation of character: to wit, hurting his feelings. Never mind the fact that anyone with a salvagable IQ score could figure out his cold reading gig, Edward's action places the idea of free speech on the interweb in jeopardy.

Possible cannon fodder for UnNews

To Severian re: UnNews:Nothing happens, world in chaos. "If nothing happens, we'll be there to find it." Grandiose, yet subtle, like an undertone of garlic and phosphorus.


On your knees! Rev. Zim_ulator blesses you.

Your blessings are increasing exponentially. In the name of Sophia and the Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic, kneel and recieve the melding of Zim's holy axe and your wetware.

You are blessed for an abundance of audio contributions. Go forth and stupify!

Jews for Jihad

Jewhadists, got caught up as missionaries for Evangelicals in South America, took Ayahuasca, came out of the jungles screaming about jihad. Less intelligent species of plant, Evangelica Christiana, sent them there.

Dick Cheney accidently sets fire to hippie

While lighting a campfire, a hippie "just showed up and cauht fire, all of a sudden..."

Buggery Act 1533

Parts of this article were originally sporked from Wikipedia.


The Buggery Act 1533 (25 Hen. VIII c. 6) was a sodomy law adopted in England in 1533 during the reign of Henry VIII, and was the first legislation against homosexuals in the country. The law defined buggery as an unnatural sexual act against the will of God and man. In practice, this has almost always been applied to sex between men, especially anal sex.

Description

The Buggery Act was piloted through Parliament by Thomas Cromwell. The Act made buggery (with man or beast) punishable by hanging, a penalty not finally lifted until 1861. Some have suggested that bestiality was specifically included because of the fear of hybrid births.

Whilst it is sometimes suggested that the Act was introduced as a measure against the clergy during the separation of the Church of England from Rome, there is no firm evidence for this, and indeed the Act preceded the separation.

In July 1540, contravention of the Act, along with treason, led Lord Hungerford of Heyetsbury to become the first person executed under the statute, although it was probably the treason that cost him his life. Nicholas Udall, a cleric, playwright, and Headmaster of Eton College, was the first to be charged for violation of the Act alone - and probably in a politically motivated case - in 1541. In his case, the sentence was commuted to imprisonment and he was released in less than a year, despite the Act's assertion that there was no "sufficient and condigne punyshment" for such acts.

It was repealed in 1553, with Mary's succession. However, it was re-enacted by Queen Elizabeth I in 1563 and became the charter for all subsequent criminalization in the English-speaking world. In England, only a few executions are known during the two centuries that followed. The Act itself was finally repealed by the Offences Against the Person (England) Act 1828 and the Criminal Law (India) Act 1828, though the crime remained on the statute books under other legislation. Buggery remained a capital offence in England until 1861; and the last execution for the crime took place in 1836.

The United Kingdom repealed buggery laws in 1967, but legal statutes in many former colonies have retained them, such as in the Anglophone Caribbean (see LGBT rights in Jamaica).

The word "buggery"

Template:Wiktionarypar The English term buggery is very close in meaning to the term sodomy, and is often used interchangeably in law and popular speech. The word bugger is still commonly used in modern English but with a different emphasis of meaning. Originally, it was derived from the word "Bulgarian", meaning the medieval Bulgarian sect of the Bogomils, which spread into Western Europe and was branded by the established church as particularly devoted to the practice of sodomy.[1]

References

  1. ↑ (2005) Erin McKean New Oxford American Dictionary, 2nd edition. Oxford University Press. ISBN 0-19-517077-6.

External link


UnNews: We control your mind

Use Brainwave Generator software to produce binaural tones to effect. Write some dreck about how we control their minds.

Cracker territories secede from the Union

Image:Cracker-lands.jpg

Crackers rise to reclaim the South, compromise and settle for Midwest

In John Boorman's 1972 film Deliverance, Lewis, played by Burt Reynolds, derisively refers to the rural people they encounter as being "crackers," implying that they were slow-witted hillbillies who lived in a world much different from that of him and his friends from a southern city. (However, a northerner would be just as likely to call Lewis/Reynolds a cracker.)

The Democratic Party political machine that dominated city politics in Augusta, Georgia for most of the 20th century was known as "The Cracker Party."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cracker_%28pejorative%29

Since 1900 "cracker" has become a proud or jocular self-description. With the huge influx of new residents from the North, "cracker" is now used informally by some white residents of Florida and Georgia ("Florida cracker" or "Georgia cracker") to indicate that their family has lived there for many generations.

However, the term "white cracker" is not always used self-referentially and remains a disparaging term to many in the region.[1]

disambiguation page http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cracker

deBeers lauded for humanitarian efforts

LONDON, England -- Executive Vice-president of Humanitarianism at deBeers, Lionel Pungent, accepted the Nobel Peace Prize on behalf of his employers today as a special ceremony funded and developed by deBeers to publicize it's humanitarian efforts.

"In the so-called First World, we take for granted liberties and priveliges which are sadly lacking in our Third World brother nations. With the decline of living standard in Post-colonial Africa, which by the way is no fault of the colonizers who abandoned them once they'd been squeezed dry, education in many sub-Saharan cultures is has become sub-standard. The children of we help today will be the despots with close ties to large Western corporations of tomorrow." After school programs are so successful they've replaced schools altogether.

Uncycloversity

UnTheology Courses

Speculative Reincarnation

  • Speculative Reincarnation: Plan wisely for your future lives

Speculative Reincarnation is a 300 level course for UnTheology majors and minors, and random losers when the class needs filling out. Requirements are status as a human, with at least 78 credit hours of English and a comfortable cushion. Knowledge of reincarnation in both Hindu and Buddhist traditions is required.

Course Description

Analysis of techniques, methods, and theories of the Transmigration of the Soul are covered in detail. Students are trained in the use of the UnCanninator and will speak with at least 3 deceased persons of note. Preliminary post-ascension planning is covered with special emphasis on on TSMs (Transmigratory Stock Portfolios).

Syllabus

”Oh shit.”
”Oh shit.”

Three Semester Hour Credits

Lesson 1: Hindus versus Buddhists

Lesson 2: Living A Just Moral Enough Life

Lesson 3: Tibetan Tantric Quantum Theory

Lesson 4: Simulated Death And Rebirth

Lesson 5: Mediumship: Speaking With The Dead

Lesson 6: Introduction To The UnCanninator

Lesson 7: Bypassing Republicans

Lesson 8: Making Fun Of Other Religions

Lesson 9: The Indian Rope Trick

Lesson 10: The Myth of Tantric Sex

Lesson 11: UnCanninator Laboratory

Lesson 12: Money is the Bottom Line

Lesson 13: Start Your Own Cult: An Intro for Newbies

Lesson 14: Bribing Authorities

Lesson 15: Smell the Gargoyle

Examination 1: (By Telepathy) Chapters 1-15

Lesson 16: Putting It All Together: How To Set Up Future Lives That Don't Suck

Cell Block C

Cell Block D

Laundry Room

Conjugal Visits

Examination 2: (Proctored) Chapter 16

Lesson 17: Financing Problem

Textbooks

Required:

Lunsford, Ashley. Essentials of a Robbery, 10th Edition., Southern California Crime Syndicate

ISBN:64789542138446857

Can be sold as a package:

Stewart, Martha. K-Mart Bluebook, 22nd Ed., 1998 and Clam-Lappers, 1995, Wool Blanket Education Company.

Although effective, quite impractical during a robbery.
Although effective, quite impractical during a robbery.

Course Supplemental Materials

  • Heckler & Koch MP5
  • Kel-Tec SUB-2000
  • M203 Grenade Launcher
  • Glock 22
  • Ski-Mask
  • Black Gloves
  • Machete
  • Utility Belt

Course Objectives

  1. The primary objective of this course will be to indentify viable targets, and develop the skills necessary to take down these targets.
  2. A secondary goal will be to create a profile or "rep" while evading capture.

Lessons

Always use a Withdrawal Form people, not a Deposit Form!
Always use a Withdrawal Form people, not a Deposit Form!
  1. In reading the Lunsford, Essentials of a Robbery text, preview each chapter, tear out informational cues that may be of use to you during a robbery.
  2. As you read each chapter, study various pictures, graphs, charts, and examples. On page 5 of Lunsford text, for example, it shows how a security camera processes information, and stores alarm times for the police.
  3. Now you are ready to do the independent field course lessons in the study guide. Each lesson is broken down into (1.) Learning objectives, (2.) Necessary equipment list, (3.) An index of local slang, (4.) A "How To" on building schematics, (5.) Getaway times, and (6.) Body Disposal (except for Lesson 16 which you will learn about with a new friend if you fail this course.)

Exams

Always act casual during an exam, alarms or no alarms.
Always act casual during an exam, alarms or no alarms.

The examinations are a mixture of essay, oral examinations, and multiple choice questions. Exams 1 & 2 are self administered. The final exam (Exam 3) must be proctored.

Sample Test Questions

1. The bank manager refuses to give you the combination to the vault do you:

A. Use the butt of your gun to smash their nose in

B. Cut off one of their fingers

C. Shoot them in the face

D. Ask them to hold your gun while you give it a try

2. While robbing the convince store be sure to pick up the following item(s):

A. Lottery Tickets

B. Condoms

C. Video Surveillance Tape

D. Beer

3. A "Smash and Grab" is:

A. Prom Night

B. Eco Terror at the Used Car Lot

C. Entrée at Red Lobster

D. Jewelry Heist

Grading

The final course grade will be based upon the following considerations:

  1. Fifteen lessons from Lunsford, Essentials of a Robbery, each chapter quiz is worth twenty points; Total- lemon.
  2. Projected Cash Flow meets or exceeds $100,000 after six months- 100 points.
  3. Plea Bargain down to misdemeanor 3rd degree larceny- 50 points.
  4. No witnesses- 200 points.

Important Terms

  • Christian BDSM:
  • Religious Intolerance: Learn to verbally assault members of all faiths, no matter how obscure

Curriculum Feci

Other Uncycloversity stuff

fossilized kitty bisquits

Jesii

Kung fu Jesus and/or G.I.Jesus with kung fu grip



Porpoise delecti

CORPUS DELICTI - The body of the offence; the essence of the crime.

It was a general rule not to convict unless the corpus delicti can be established, that is, until the dead body has been found. Instances have occurred of a person being convicted of having killed another, who, after the supposed criminal has been put to death for the supposed offence, has made his appearance - alive. The wisdom of the rule is apparent; but in order to insure justice, in extreme cases, it may be competent to prove the basis of the corpus delicti by presumptive, but conclusive, evidence.

Authorities doubt sailors' tale, adrift for 10,000 years

ST PUPY, Florida -- Three sailors were picked up in the Gulf of Mexico from a swamped reed boat today by the Coast Guard, claiming they'd been adrift for 10,000 years. Methuselah, the eldest of the trio, spoke for all.

You're going to hell

Kansas -- If you're gay, etc, you're going to hell.

http://yourgoingtohell.com/

Exclusive interview with Joe Stalin

Rev_zim drives the UnCanninator.
Rev_zim drives the UnCanninator.

This article is part of a series of interviews with the dead, using our patent-pending UnCanninator. The Cabal is planning to infiltrate society with UnCanninator Tech and compete directly with psychics like John Edward and with Scientology, on another front altogether. Profit projections are through the ceiling!

CAUTION Do not stare directly into this audio, nor should you expose yourself to it for more than 10 minutes at a go. This is some dangerous super-secrety-sciency stuff, so be careful and don't feed it to children unless child has a USB port.

If you don't believe any of this, you can bugger off!













Reverend zim_ulator test drives the UnCanninator, UnNews' own gateway to the land of the dead.
Reverend zim_ulator test drives the UnCanninator, UnNews' own gateway to the land of the dead.

DIMENSION 7, the Universe -- Josef Stalin, composer, philanthropist, and wine tasting snob; we at UnNews have been very fortunate in obtaining an exclusive interview with the tyrant-dictator. A lot has changed in the last half century, and not surprisingly, Joe has been keeping apace with fashion trends. In 2003 he even tried his hand at clothing design, launching the Le Petit Prepuce line of men's lingerie during a bull market. Not to be outvogued, however, the recently dead Hussein brothers, Uday and Qusay, launched salvos of poorly-aimed SCUDs at Paris, disrupting the entire fashion season, and bringing Steeley Joe's efforts to a premature demise.


zim: "May I call you Joe?"
Stalin: "Of course, we are all friends here, yes?"
zim: "Joe, do you have any fashion secrets to share with us today?"
Stalin: "Well, for one thing, gay is the new black. Who could have seen that coming?"
zim: "Speaking of which, you're bisexual, right?"
Stalin: "Yes, but I've been in the "closet" until recently. Homosexuality was not tolerated in my Soviet Union. They were generally shot, of hanged, or shot and hanged."
zim

UnCanninator

''Editor's note: This article is the second in a segment
called Rev. zim Speaks With The Dead. Utilizing  
our home-grown ill-concieved machine called The 
UnCanninator (because it's based on ideas as looney 
as Scientology's "can" technology, and because it's use 
is by definition, Uncanny. Clever, eh?), we at UnNews are now
able to bring you exclusive interviews with those who've shed 
this mortal coil.

Image:Relativity_wormhole.gif

Reverend zim_ulator test drives the UnCanninator, UnNews' own gateway to the land of the dead.
Reverend zim_ulator test drives the UnCanninator, UnNews' own gateway to the land of the dead.

Make an UnNews box about the UnCanninator.



WOOS

VIENNA, Australia -- The Worldwide Order of Ordained Schismists aka WOOS, met today in this scenic, French, Alpine hamlet to hammer out their plans to create schisms, and schisms of schisms, in all organized monotheistic religions. Formed in 1964 by Anton Le Vey, renowned Satanist and sheep enthusiast, WOOS' mission statement is to, "...create havoc amongst the God worshippers, causing them to rend their bowels and chew their own arms off. In lieu of that, to turn them one against the other, in the name of Satan."

Dedicated to prying religions apart from the inside, WOOS sews the vile seeds of conflict at any opportunity. Members infiltrate religions and lock on to the smarter ones, with whom reason and logic hold sway, making them into 'thought zombies', or peopel with free will.

"Every one of these batards, these cretins, is a target!" exclaimed Auguste Bouché-Leclercq,

“...a French historian celebrated for an exhaustive history of ancient astrology and magic.”
~ Wikipedia on this guy

Bouché-Leclercq, or the clerk muncher as his detractors call him, was Professor of Literature and History at the University of Montpellier and Paris until he was tapped by WOOS in 1994 to run the non-profit bunch of renegade miscreants. Citing his most important work, L'Astrologie grecque, or "the Study of Greek Asses", an inebriated Bouché-Leclercq spoke for three minutes, then passed out, plunging from the dais into a gaggle of attending Afghan warlords. A brawl ensued, resulting in no less than 17 new splits from the Taliban.

Dick Cheney threatens resignation, to take his Army and go home

A 5 part series on how Dick Cheney is coming to own the world

Part 2 Braggadacio

GOOSE STRUMPET, Saskatchuwan -- A slightly inebriated Vice President Dick Cheney was caught off guard as he bragged to Canadian President that he was "going to take his army and stuff, and go home if there weren't a few changes around the white house"Template:Featured article

Furry Jesus and/or Satan

Schismism

A non-denominational movement founded in 2006 by Rev_zim, who's stated purpose is to create and amplify schisms in religions

Koto Zen School

A school of Zen Buddhism which teaches mastery over mind and body. the ultimate test for a monk is having his guts removed for koto strings while meditating.


  • idea - Krav Maga - Israeli Martial Pansy Art


  • idea - Crankypants Satan action figures


Sources

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