User talk:An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays

Oldest Uncyclopedia Article Discovered

Renowned Uncyclopedia historian Spangle Gay Glittersprinkles, has discovered the oldest non-Uncyclopedia related article ever written. "The fact that pie was the first article really opened my eyes. It really did. I see it all now: Uncyclopedia, Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia... the construction and future of these wikis have been laid out before me."

When asked what he meant, Spang said that, upon reading the first version of the article Pie, the future of Uncyclopedia was revealed to him. The version presently up is "but a pale shadow of what it once was." The fabled first version of the article is, according to Spang and fellow UnArcheologist TheLedBalloon, "The DaVinci Code of Uncyclopedia." One of the oldest contributors, 68.237.62.152, is said to be the creator of the fabled text, but could not be reached for comment... maybe 'cuz he was gettin' laid or somethin' cool like that.

"If only the original version had survived!" Said Spang's lead balloon, who gained sentience upon glimpsing the article. "I want to know the significance of the Norris! The secret meaning behind the Wilde! The hidden power of the grue! I want to know the secret of the memes!"

"First of all, how did a balloon become an administrator? Oh, right, this is Uncyclopedia." Said long-missing founder Chronarion. "Second of all, the current article you have up there is, although not as mystical, still sorta mystical... For example, look at that quote at the top! CLASSIC Oscar Wilde!" Questions arose as to why the original version was deleted in the first place, but Chronarion, who only made an appearance in one of our writer's drug trips, merely cackled, turned into a tomato, and vanished in a cloud of LULZ!!1.

The mystery surrounding Pie continues, and Uncyclopedian historians are still seeking the truth. ...BUY A SUBSCRIPTION TO UNSIGNPOST to see further developments!

Following Third Issue, UnSignpost Wins All Sortsa Awards n' Shit

At the annual Uncyclopedia Signpost awards banquet, held every year in Dr. Skullthumper's backyard, the Signpost was the clear winner of the night, garnishing all 149 awards in all 144 categories.

The press was not invited to the gala, but the Unsignpost has heard that several Uncyclopedia celebrities were at the event. Mike - you know Mike - said, "Oh yeah, we got Chronarion and Save the... whatever it was... We got 'em all! We even had Famine! Even though he still hates us, he still bothered to show up and drunkenly berate the guests! In fact, I think he's still in there, berating the furniture!"

Unsignpost writers all agree that it's not pathetic to give yourself an award once in a while. We do our chores! We've been kicked around! Why don't we, the writers, get any recognition? The special boobie-prize, The Feel Okay About Ourselves Award for 2008, was accepted by Cajek on behalf of the writers instead of a paycheck. "Finally I get a god damned award." One of the writers dramatically grabbed the award away onstage and, crying, started screaming at the award itself. "WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU?!? YOU BASTARD!!"

Unsignpost is planning to make the awards banquet biweekly, in honor of the fact that the writers are extremely lonely, and just want a way to talk to loads of people without having to listen to "feedback".

Newest Uncyclopedia Article Discovered

Although searching through relics was fun for the Indiana-Jonesish stylings of more techie-minded Uncyclopedians, the Unsignpost has, all by itself!!, made a new discovery.

Yes, the newest article, Jacob Zuma, created just at the time of this writing, is the newest article to date. No! Wait! It's RETARDIS. Wait, no, it's Broomstick. Oh whatever, the point is that we found it, and when it's deleted in three seconds, Unsignpost gets first gloating rights.

Uncyclopedia Second Most Active Wikia Site

According to local Wikia staffmember Sannse, Uncyclopedia is the second most active site, next to Halopedia. "Yep. People are more interested in Halos than Uncys. I've never really bothered to look at either site, so I'm not sure why one is more active than another, but I'm sure it's because Halopedia is superior."

Reporters on-site have looked into the rumors. Apparently, Halopedia is in fact not about halos, but instead is an entire wiki... devoted to a video game. "Oh lord, this is embarrassing," said Master Chief, the main character of said video games. "I thought I could keep this under wraps for a while longer, but you people in the press are like fucking vultures. WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?!"

Apparently Halopedia's nearest competitor, Uncyclopedia, is some kind of "humor wiki" meant to induce laughter. "Uncyclopedia's laughter is nothing compared with ours," said Evilpedia's founder, User:Dr. Doom, "Our laughter will ring all throughout Wikia, and then: THE WORLD!". Other statistics include the nerdiest wiki and Furwiki, the most disturbing wiki.

Uncyclopedia is neither the largest wiki (Wookiepedia), nor the most active (Halopedia), but it does come very close to first in both categories. Who wants to be first place anyway? Nobody wants to win all the time! Like Unsignpost's father used to say: "You learn more from losing than winning!" and really, that's all that matters!

...AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! BASTAAAARRRDDSSS!!!

Following Fourth Issue, UnSignpost Does Lame Clip Show

After having not seen his boss for a few days, Cajek, or as his friends call him, "Cuntjek", and his team of writers have been forced to rely on past issues and a clip show in article form.

"Don't look at us that way!" said that one guy we were talking about. "A few days ago, when Skull was around, I was only editor of the fetish section, now I'm in charge of the whole thing. Jeez, I hope Skull is okay..." The lame clip show was said to be almost entirely from the first issue, when the Unsignpost was "cool", and before the fetish section took over the whole paper.

According to reports to this newsroom, the clip show article included the "weekbox of the week" from issue 1 that instructed Cajek and Skull to slather humor juice on an anonymous reader, and the "Goatse Challenging Gap" from issue 2. "Oh shit, what else we got?" Carjack screamed across the newsroom.

As of this issue, the huge portrait of Dr. Skullthumper has been prayed to for nigh two weeks since his mysterious disappearance. Fnoodle, who usually serves coffee to the writers (albeit very angrily), has gone on a quest to find his former master. So far, no word of Skullthumper's whereabouts have reached the press.

Serious: Dr. Skullthumper is a good friend, and I see him as an outgoing, clever guy, and I'm sure he will succeed in whatever he chooses to do while he's gone. -Cajek

Letters to the Editor

I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of God for you to help me and my family, God almighty will bless and reward you abundantly. My family and I are true Christian's and worship's God truthfully. I got your contact through Internet during my research on some one who could help us.

I am a female student from University of Nigeria, Lagos. I am suitable yrs old. I'd like any person who can be caring, loving and home oriented. I will love to have a long-term relationship with you and to know more about you. I would like to build up a solid foundation with you in time coming if you can be able to help me in this transaction. Well, my father died earlier two months ago and left my mother I and my junior brother behind. He was a king, which our town citizens titled him before his death. I was a Princess to him and I and my brother are the only people who can take Care of his wealth now because my mother is not literate enough to know all my father's wealth behind.

He left up to USD $27,350,000.00 dollars (TWENTY SEVEN MILLION, THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND US DOLLAR) with a security company, and I don't know how and what I will do to invest this money somewhere in abroad, so that my father's kindred will not take over what belongs to my father and our family, which they were planning to do without my present because I am a female as stated by our culture in the town. That is why I felt happy when I saw your contact which I strongly believe that by the grace of God, you will help me secure and invest this money. I thereby need your help in bringing the box contaning the money out from the security company, based on your reply I will furnish you with more details on how we can proceed. I am ready to pay 10% of the total amount to you if you help us in securing this money and another 10% interest of Annual Income to you, for handling this business for us, which you will strongly have absolute control over.

If you can handle this project sincerely and also willing to assist me in lifting this fund, kindly reach me and I will let you know the next step to take towards actualizing this transaction as quickly as possible. Please, note that this transaction is 110% risk free. I look forward hearing from you soonest.

Yours sincerest, Miss Lady Princess Irreverent

Dear Princess, We at the Unsignpost are interested in your offer, but have no money. Could you please send us some? You could be in on an offer to make up to $27,237,84661 monies! Your Sincerestly, The Unsignpost.

Sixth Issue Relies on Guest Writers

For the sixth issue of Unsignpost, guest writers from outside the fold have been chosen to write a bunch of stupid crap. Among them are the illiterate administrator Zombiebaron and reformed drug mule ThePaleOne. The community's outcries were heard soon afterwards, probably.

Jack Phoenix, a respected Wikia staff member, said of one of the articles "Nobody cares about Cajek trolling Wookiepedia anymore. In fact, I'm kind of ashamed of Uncyclopedia for doing something like this. It's like I'm at a well-written version of ED." The Unsignpost staff, full of miscreants and malcontents, hung its collective head in shame and went to the corner for a sit down.

Qua, who wanted to be in this issue of Unsignpost to whore his userpage, issued a statement at the press conference located at his Mayan temple: "Why didn't they do an injoke article on the fifth issue? Am I the only one who cares? Where have the lols gone, my friends? Where have the lols gone?" In response, the Unsignpost sent a secret "Fifth Issue Of Unsignpost" article directly to Qua, where it will be housed until his death.

The Unsignpost writers, who have had a cut in pay since the leaving of Dr. Skullthumper, are now relying on the work of random people found on IRC for their inspiration. We now present to you an article in the Unsignpost by somebody else about a guy who works at the Unsignpost...

/me headdesk [note: "me" refers to the entire Unsignpost staff]

Wookiepedia Too Cool For Cajek

by ThePaleOne

It has been reported on #uncyclopedia that Cajek, our resident editor, has been banned from the "Star Wars Wiki", Wookieepedia. There has been an outrage in the star wars community, as they find Cajek to be a charming and respectable fellow [ed note: Cajek did NOT write this!]. Even us here at the the UnSignPost believe so, ( but don't tell Cajek that! ) [ed note: I SAW THAT! YOU'RE OFF THE CASE!]

I spoke to one Cajek fan, Darth Vader, to see what kind of impact this has had on the community. "It really is tragic to see him get banned," said a distraught Vader, with tears dripping from his helmet, "I just don't understand it! How can there be no Cajek?! We've seen his greatest and sometimes his somewhat lameness. But we will be EPIC FAIL without him" Vader's emotionally wrecked state shows the devastation caused by the Wookieepedia senate's unruly vote. I just hope Palpatine wasn't behind this, I voted for him too!

I sat down with another fan, Jar Jar Binks, to discuss this radical move. "Mesa think its outrageous! Mesa no like Wookieepedia afta this! This beein worse than <insert name here>'s bombad faggotry!" And indeed it is. Personally, I denounce the Leftist Bias of Wookieepedia and their slander against Cajek. What did he ever do to them right? Personally, I hope Something really bad happens to those immature, pubescent, oxycotin sniffing children. In other news, 52% of Uncyclopedia agrees that Cajek should be set on fire on Sunday's Luau against 45% for drowned in his own discharge. 3% were undecided.

Random Mumblings: "Monster"

By Zombiebaron

Alright. So. This is going to be cool. Because. You see. Therefore. Once upon a time. There was this really big house. Inside the house was a monster. Oh. This is a newspaper. Well, in that case, the monster was operating a grow op. Right. And the monster was named Skullthumper (because this is his fault, really, when you deconstruct it down to the last proton). Yeah!!!! But. Going onwards and upwards. The cops busted the grow op. It was fucking huge, man. THIS IS NEWS. IN THE UNSIGNPOST.

Cajek banned - New, shittier writer assigned to this stupid job

by Qua

Recently Cajek, an Uncyclopedia user who has been labelled as a mystical creature, was been given a one month ban by the council of Wikia. Users who feared that UnSignpost would not be written or delivered. But don't worry, Qua (Uncyclopedia's shittiest n00b) and half of