To leave a message, push the button below, type your message, and rejoice! Note: Don't type anything into the box below or it will create a new page. NOTE: If you are contacting me from Rational Wiki, please note so in the title.
 This is what happens to SPAM ON MY PAGE! [edit] How long till the rape?
Stopwatch starts... now Warm Regards, ▀ĴαVắśСąР▀12:19 June 10 2008
[edit] Whoosh!
Your talk page just had a close encounter. You saw nothing. --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | KUN | Natter | Lt? | Pee 12:20, Jun 10
- 1 minute, 51 seconds... I am almost surpised. You forgot the big RAPE, however. Meh. Warm Regards, ▀ĴαVắśСąР▀12:21 June 10 2008
- Not my style. Never will be. --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | KUN | Natter | Lt? | Pee 12:25, Jun 10
[edit] Hey, thanks!
Wow! Your review was way in-depth! Thanks for helping me out! Here, have a Golden Shower! • • • SIR FELLOW Necropaxx KUN {PotM VFH VFP Chop HS VotM} (blah, blah, blah...)  00:37, Jun 11
Hey, thank you very much for the shower. I just finished scrubbing the yellow stain from the last on off me. Again, thank you! Warm Regards, ▀ĴαVắśСąР▀16:28 June 11 2008
- Btw, I have now implemented your comments. You told me to alert you when it happened, and so I am here, alerting you. ... Ok, bye! • • • SIR FELLOW Necropaxx KUN {PotM VFH VFP Chop HS VotM} (blah, blah, blah...) 23:14, Jun 11
[edit] UnSignpost: June 12th, 2008
The Only Newspaper That Is Not Controlled By The Cabal Who Are You What Are You Doi- AAAAHHHHH
June 12th, 2008 • Issue 7
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Cajek banned - New, shittier writer assigned to this stupid job
- by Qua
Recently Cajek, an Uncyclopedia user who has been labelled as a mystical creature, was been given a one month ban by the council of Wikia. Users who feared that UnSignpost would not be written or delivered. But don't worry, Qua (Uncyclopedia's shittiest n00b) and half of YTTE have taken over UnSignpost, well...until Cajek gets unbanned.
Qua, who is currently in a state of shock, said that "Cajek was a good guy, I didn't expect him to get banned for a month. He was about to help me, I don't know what he was going to help me with but he was going to help me with something.". Many Uncyclopedians that are known have a hold a grudge against Cajek celebrated his recent ban saying "While he might be back in only a month, we should take the time to celebrate and rejoice a Cajek-free environment."
Flumpa "taking toys and going home".
- by lots of different people
It has been reported that Flumpa, Uncyclopedia's very own pimply faced ginger-nut has left Uncyclopedia forever, due to irreconcilable differences. He cites the banning of users, fights between the two, the treatment of IP's as "real people" and the lack of cookies in mommas cookie jar.
One of our reporters spoke to Flumpa as he was packing his wagon to leave Uncyclopedia "I like the holding hands and the fairy floss but Sophia has icky wiki germs and I just couldn't get past that. However I hear this new EDwina down the street is available, she may play in mud but I hear she has yummy yummy cookies."
127.0.0.1, leader of the "IPs are Real People, Too" Foundation had said that "Flumpa makes some great points on IP treatment, such as telling them that behind that string of random numbers lies an actual person; A person with heart. A person with brain. A person with spleen." When asked whether he would share his hard earned money on a badge from the Keep-the-IP's-out-of-Bannation-Foundation, this reporter simply told them to bugger off and get their own alcohol addiction gawdammit! We do, however, wish Flumpa the best of luck as he travels across the wiki-street with his trademarked brand of Off-topic forums to meet this EDwina fellow.
Internet safety month has begun.
- By Dr. Skullthumper
We at the UnSignpost would like to remind all Uncyclopedian editors that June is Internet safety month. Through the efforts of Uncyclopedia and other sites across the Internet, we can help protect innocent children and frail grandmothers from seeing offensive content NEGRO Uhm, we're sorry about that. The editor that wrote that previous sentence has been fired, in accordance with the rules of Internet safety month. UnSignpost would like to remind all editors to use extra padding in tables, because we don't want the little kiddies touching the sharp edges and getting hurt. As per Internet safety month, all uploaded porn will be closely monitored to see if the models are engaging in safe fucking. I mean sex. SEX! I meant SEX! We apologize for the previous two editors. They have been shot, out in the hallway, in the most safe method possible, we assure you. We even laid out cushions for them to fall on. Anyway, Websense and other Internet blocking sites will up its sensors to block over 99.99% of the Internet. What will remain is available is the Wikipedia article "Frog", weather.com, and anything unblocked in China.
We at UnSignpost wish you a happy Internet safety month, and hope that you stay safe. Remember to always use a firewall.
This column has been blocked by Websense.
Websense has blocked this column for the following reason: This column contains "humor".
Finals approach for student-Uncyclopedians, procrastination triples
- By TheLedBalloon
 Aww, kitty! Isn't he cute? Difficult times lie ahead for schoolbound Uncyclopedians. A series of semi-challenging tests lie in the near future for many, and everyone's workload seems to be growing. Unfortunately for Uncyclopedians, finals are nearly here.
However, luckily for Uncyclopedia, finals are almost here! This means that, as procrastination rates skyrocket, Uncyclopedia activity grows proportionally. Haven't been studying for your math final? Those fancy words mean that Uncyclopedia usage is going up, just as teachers pull out their hair worrying about keeping their kids' averages above the department bottom line so they can keep their jobs.
However, here at UnSignpost and Uncyclopedia, we pride ourselves on allowing for multi-tasking. So, here is a series of brief study guides that are pretty much all you need:
Science: For this final, you will be asked questions about science. However, simply remember a few facts, and your science final will be a breeze. These include remembering that ontogeny does not recapitulate phylogeny, pyruvate and phosphofruktokinase function as glycolytic enzymes, and the kidneys are located three ribs up from the malnuric sphincter.
Math: Just prove to your teacher that 1=2, and any answer you give is automatically right.
English: ENGLISH, MOFO, DO YOU SPEAK IT?
History: To pass this, just try to remember a few important dates: 622BC, 394BC, 211BC, 5BC, 11AD, 24AD, 300AD, 906AD, 1102AD, 1619AD, 1791AD, 1963AD, and 2012AD.
Tech. Ed.: Basically, you take a saw and cut shit up. Fucking A.
Music class: Try not to fail and blow any notes. You'd sure look like a real tool, then, huh.
Art: Just explain to your teacher how deep and misunderstood you are, and paint your feelings. Take a few pictures with a black and white camera setting and write a few "dark" poems, and if your teacher knows how often you cry then you'll have an easy A.
Foreign language: THIS IS AMERICA, SPEAK AMERICAN!
Gym: If you're really planning on studying for this final, then only God can help you now.
NONSENSE CATASTOPHE
- by Cajek
An article by Zombiebaron has caused a huge feud between the all-powerful admins that could ban me again. Thekillerfroggy has charged that the "Nonsense Watermelon Catastrophe" was not newsworthy enough, while Zombiebaron charges that the article is newsworthy, and therefore should not be deleted. In the fight, many people have cried "drama" and run for their lives.
"Oh, this is deliiiicious!" said resident fucktard Drama. We spoke to Drama in his white linoleum mansion. He stopped seductively petting his gay snow leopard long enough to talk to us. "I loooove drama. I want their drama dripping all over my linoleum castle. I want their orgasmic screams of anger to rattle the walls! What do you think, Puffles?"
"Oohh, puurrrrr" said Puffles.
Some of the more regular users have claimed that the drama will bring unwanted side effects. RAHB has recently said to one of our reporters: "Remember, when there's drama, Ljlego touches himself." [Ed note: he said that on IRC, I swear. to. god. ban: banbanban.]
Zombiebaron, an administrator who just happens to be a spectre of the unwept dead, spoke at his crypt this Tuesday dressed in his ceremonial black and red robes: "Hhhgggrrrr, I do not like speaking to the public: They give me a rash. As far as how random uncyclopedia is, we have two admins who are a balloon and a frog, so my article is perfect. The drama will not be settled until I taste the frog's flesh. Suffffeeeerrrrrr..."
The Killer Froggy issued a statement soon after, with his frog army in the background: "ribbit? RIBBIT! ribbit. ribbit ribbit ribbit!" Both administrators have promised to ban the poor, misunderstood writer of this article if their statements were printed, but that's the risk we take to bring you the news. That's just how cool we are.
Drama is the real winner here. As of this printing, he is planning to buy his gay snow leopard a fluffy red cape with the profits. And remember: every time there's drama, Ljlego touches himself. I'm not fucking kidding. He's all like, "oh yeah, oh, oh yeah I love you drama" and they're both in the love coven, snugglin' n' shit. I have pictures, guys! I swear it's totally ins AS OF THIS PARAGRAPH, CAJEK HAS BEEN BANNED INDEFINITELY.
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From our logs:
 - 09:42, 5 June 2008 Sannse (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (Bringing Uncyclopedia in to disrepute (or even further into? whatever.))
- 15:33, 5 June 2008 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 days (time served already.....reduced sentence)
- 13:42, 4 June 2008, TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 221.154.246.169 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Sorry, you're too dumb to edit this wiki. You can come back when you grow a brain.)
- 12:35, 4 June 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 47 seconds (ZOMG LINKIN' SHOCK BANBANBANBANBAN)
- 03:55, June 10, 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 122.2.113.102 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (TAGLOG MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK TAGLOG?!)
- 20:07, June 10, 2008 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes (Are you ban hunting or something?)
- 05:56, June 11, 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 82.0.83.149 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (You fail at funny. Read HTBFANJS. Slowly. Then copy it out 100 times in longhand and maybe, *maybe* I'll let you edit here again.))
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| Biopic of the Week
127.0.0.1 ~ Quite possibly the greatest IP that has ever lived. He is literally everywhere at once. He is in your computer, destroying it bit by bit. He is in your living room, eating your Flamin' Hot Cheetos. He is in your bedroom possibly getting laid. He is in every room you could possibly think of. All Hail 127.0.0.1!!!
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| UU's obscure British Dialect expression of the week:
"Can-in-the-pan" ~ Showcasing the unerring ability of the British to come up with expressions that bear no connection whatsoever to the item or act they're describing, this is used by the Cornish to refer to a somersault. A small template glorious prize is on offer to the person who comes up with the best suggestion as to why. Answers on a postcard to UU's talk page.
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| Page Quote of the Week:
Oswald's guilt was assured when he was witnessed running the 397 yards from the Book Depository Building and began teabagging the President Warren Commission
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| Best New Article of the Week:
That Guy Standing Behind You with the Freakin' Huge Chainsaw, no words can sum up how incredibly good this article is. It tells this story about a guy who wasn't cared for who started chopping things up with a chainsaw. Sure some critics are skeptical but we at the UnSignpost think this is the best new article yet. Well until it gets deleted of course.
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| Article of the week:
That one written by Cajek all the way at the bottom was pretty damn good. I love articles that have references to sex in 'em. I don't have much to do in this trailer, and when I see a reference to sex it's like my pants fly. off. It's okay, the cats don't understand what's going on. Well, the dogs and the chimp may understand but they're not complainin'. Nope, reading Uncyclopedia articles gets me too hot to care about social constraints.
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| UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 17:01, 12 June 2008 (UTC)
[edit] You signature has some missing/broken tags
Please fix it, thank you. --Grand General Wizard Etc x2 and Senator G/K/O/CUNT.K.F. WHORE! ZOTM MAFE VANDL UOTM WOTM TOP10 FP 21:59, 12 June 2008 (UTC)
He's not wrong. I just fixed the one you put on the VFS page, as it spilled code all over the place and messed up the rest of the page. If you do insist on having your sig this way, and copy-pasting it every time instead of setting up one as everyone else does, please make sure every open tag is followed by a corresponding closed tag, ok dude? --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | KUN | Natter | Lt? | Pee 12:59, Jun 16
[edit] UnSignpost: June 19th, 2008
The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.
June 19whenever-th, 2008 • Issue 8
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UnSignpost abandoned by creators!
- by UU
Uncyclopedia's popular newspaper/tacky tabloid rag (delete according to preference) the UnSignpost - already floundering following the loss of founding editor Dr. Skullthumper - has been dealt another, possibly fatal blow, with the news that popular feature-machine and international diplomat Cajek has not been arsed to edit the latest issue. When thursday June 19th dawned without the by-now-traditional UnSignpost dropping onto their talkpages, Unycylopedians everywhere could be heard bravely dealing with the incident by pretending they hadn't noticed. We asked prominent Uncyc contributors for their reactions to the journalistic crisis facing their favourite wiki-based news delivery system. "SCREAM FOR ME BOSTON.... SCREAM FOR ME BOSTON!" said Don Leddy, obviously coping badly with the news.
Sensing a possible catastrophe, DJ Irreverent bravely leaped into the breach and created a forum topic that galvanised the community, while UU declared himself too busy to help, then promptly wrote about half of the paper. While still suffering from writer's block, which explains the total lack of lulz and inspiration thus far. It's probably about time to link to nobody cares and close this story now, isn't it?
Industrial mogul joins Uncyclopedia, promises great wealth to all.
- by
DJ Irreverent UU
Donald Trump, the man, the legend, the Tower, the hairstyle, has taken time out of his busy international schedule to create a forum topic promising affluence beyond the dreams of avarice to all on Uncyclopedia! Despite the impeccable credentials displayed on his userpage, so far only Qua and SysRq managed to take advantage of the popular billionaire's altruism before he was ruthlessly banned by noted anti-capitalist Codeine. UnSignpost was particularly impressed with Codeine's ability to resist the temptation to use "you're fired" as a block reason, as we are sure it would have been all but overwhelming.
It is to be hoped that, on his return from bannination, Mr Trump will use his undoubted wealth and business connections to help Uncyc beat the ever-encroaching threat of Wikia's advertising plans.
N00b ties knot
- by UU
Popular recent NotM winner Cheapinitreal has further embarrassed the Uncyclopedia community by becoming all respectable and getting married. Confessing to his transgression, Cheap added "all and all, it was a right fine week". The UnSignpost would like to write something really funny here, then wish Cheap all the best, but this issue is being rushed out as it's, like, way late, so we just don't have time.
UnSignpost resorts to blatant filler
- by UU
In a move heralded as "an exciting development in journalism" by guest editor UU, the UnSignpost today employed blatant flannel to fill an annoying white gap at the bottom of the page. It is believed that this is the first such instance of using blatant rubbish to fill a newspaper page in journalistic history. "I'm proud to be at the vanguard of such a groundbreaking technique" said UU, before going off to scour Cajek's ideas page in a desperate hunt for inspiration. "Is this long enough yet?" he added, before concluding "not quite, another few words or so should do the trick".
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From our logs:
- 13:12, 17 June 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.43.66.7 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (You will be better appreciated at that cheap whorehouse down the road. Take the third left)
- 21:59, 17 June 2008 Hinoa (Talk | contribs) blocked 74.38.121.240 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (UN:VAIN: It's what's for [INSERT GENERIC MEAL HERE])
- 09:07, 17 June 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.128.148.178 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Budha says: Blanking shall not lead you to enlightment. Write funny articles, my friend, and be happy)
- 04:59, 16 June 2008 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 58.107.246.135 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 day (No no. When was that last time YOU had a really big solid shit?)
- 01:35, 15 June 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 24.2.209.140 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (You know, you're probably the dumbest person I've ever seen. That's saying a lot, you know. You should be proud.)
- 17:57, 13 June 2008 Manticore (Talk | contribs) blocked 84.168.60.159 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (Banning Italy, one IP at a time.)
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| Biopic of the Week
Zombiebaron ~ Zombiebaron? Zombiebaron, zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron. Strong Zombiebaron. Text-based Zombiebaron. Also, Zombiebaron. Finally, Zombiebaron.
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| UU's obscure British Dialect expression of the week:
"I wanna new wicker wacker" ~ Discerning Uncyclopedians finding themselves in the heart of Liverpool, but worryingly badly dressed, should fret no more - this handy phrase allows them to ask "can I have a new suit please sir?" like a native. It's anyone's guess as to what they'll end up clad in though.
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| UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 01:06, 21 June 2008 (UTC)
[edit] Your pee review of my article
It's been 9 days and you still haven't reviewed my Charmander article. Is it taking so long because you are writing a very long and very detailed review or did you forget (or did something else happen?)? Well, here's the link to the Pee review if you forgot it: Uncyclopedia:Pee_Review/Charmander -Wi Account ki 07:26, 21 June 2008 (UTC)
- Saw your note on the article - whatever kept you away, it's good to see you about. Hope you're good, man! --UU Blah / Pee
 20:23, Jun 23
- Hmm, I'm not so sure. It's been another 6 days. -Wi Account ki 06:01, 30 June 2008 (UTC)
- I have JUST completed the review, and will post it when I get home on Thursday. I WILL POST IT. *focuses* Warm Regards, ▀ĴαVắśСąР▀18:56 July 2 2008
[edit] UnSignpost: June 26nd, 2008
The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.
June 26th, 2008 • Issue 9
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Uncyclopedia running out of Interesting Stuff. UnSignpost in Jeopardy!
- By Qua
Recently. Uncyclopedia, in its maternal state. Is running out of interesting stuff as most users keep filling her with the same old stuff day after day. Most if not almost all of the staff at the UnSignpost panicked as this meant that their newspaper, which faced the threat of disabondement yesterday. Could be folded by the Uncyclopedia Cabal (there is no cabal) itself. Cajek, the UnSignpost's co-founder, commented on the shortage of interesting stuff saying "...". Mostly this is a time of crisis for the UnSignpost which has been falling into a state of crisis for a while now. and we need you to help. All you have to do is send money to the UnSignpost offices. And please, refer freinds to do the same please! We need it more then you.
Penis Man returns!
- By THEDUDEMAN
At exactly 12:29 AM Monday morning, some local idiot decided that it would be a great day to stir up drama and piss people off with some long forgotten shit. And with that, Penis Man made his way back to our great Uncyclopedia with the intent of vandalizing Boomer's userpage. Soon after, the Town drunk Eugene Kay decided to follow suit by uploading the same image by the name of Zombiepenis. Why he decided to make such an apparent strike at the admin who has beat him so much is currently unknown. We at UnSignpost give them both a 25000000:1 chance of being banned.
Local Uncyclopedian starts up Devil-Worship Wiki
- By Qua
In a recent devil-related press conference. Cartoon Diablo, the younger and sillier version of Diablo. Has started up The Devil's Wiki, a wiki dedicated to worship of Satanism and The Devil itself. In a recent interview, Cartoon Diablo has said personally that "The wiki's going to contain a lot about the devil, no seriously. There's going to be articles about the caverns of hell, the kind of foods the devil eats and also various artworks done by the Devil himself. And if your asking if it's going to be great. Well... Yeah!, It's going to be satantastic!". Immediately after this was posted on the UnSignpost, 2 people have joined the satanic wiki. The 2 people are described to be a Himilianian Yettie and an Male Amish Human. Both of them have pledged their allegiance to the devil in return for absolute power. In today's weather report, make sure to bring an umbrella as Hell may be raining over within the next few days.
Uncyclopedia's Reign of the Newbs Begins
- By Cajek and whoever else
Interestingly enough, lots of new noobs (and old noobs) are getting featured articles these days. Somehow, the cult of the newbs has awoken, and Uncyc has felt its presence link to Double Entendre. Oh... did I say that out loud?
"I don't trust the young 'uns," said Farmer O'Dell at his grain silo, "They write funny articles, yeah, but what do they contribute to the community?" Actually, writers like Hyperbole, Cheapinitreal, and The Woodburninator have stepped up, and are already commanders. Except that last one, who is close enough. Big time contributors like YesTimeToEdit, Qua, and Orian57 are cleaning up this pig sty. Older members of uncyc have become less active, and are paving the way for these rising stars to shine.
Uh, speaking as myself? I've never been more proud of Uncyclopedia than I have in the last month or so. Keep it up, guys!
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From our logs:
- 00:29, THEDUDEMAN (Talk | contribs) (uploaded a new version of "Image:483922.jpg": <3 you Zombiebaron! )
- 20:10, 22 June 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 58.179.141.146 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (No means *no*)
- 06:21, 22 June 2008 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked .cx (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Oh for fuck's sake)
- 05:30, 22 June 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Dunquin (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (The Irishg defence forces are a bunch of wankers who were dominated by the brits who are even greater wankers. They eat potatos, drink guinness and fight imaginery wars)
- 03:42, 22 June 2008 Hindleyite (Talk | contribs) blocked 217.54.74.232 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games. )
- 12:42, 21 June 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Page blanker (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (I wonder if you realize just how easy your name makes it for me to permaban you...)
- 07:26, 23 June 2008 Manticore (Talk | contribs | block) blocked 124.170.144.245 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (You have been autoblocked by the Uncyclopedia penis-size-detector. Rylie, I'm afraid your penis is too small to edit Uncyclopedia. Please try again after puberty.)
- 08:48, 20 June 2008 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Bl4nker (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (LOL YOU BLANKED SOMETHING THAS SO FUNNIES. Now fuck off, eh?)
- 18:54 . . Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.231.38.117 with an expiry time of 1 week: (No, Pete Doherty is a talentless junkie cunt. Deal with it.)
- 14:59, June 25, 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked KBD5196 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (I hope this ban log gets featured in the UnSignpost. Also, you are a wanking blanker. Or a blanking wanker. Whichever.)
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| Gripe of the Week
MantiBot, Yes a bot, this bot has been going around causing terrorism to articles in the form of interlinking. Not only does he support terrorism, he also supports the de-opping of TheLedBalloon who has been known to hate every foreign country that's not America on the Planet. What's worse, he isn't even properly marked as a bot. FU Mantiwhore!
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| Quote of the Week:
"Listen, here's the story: The other night I saw Jackass the Movie 2 and they extracted sperm from a horse so one of the dudes could drink it. It was that moment when I realized how little I know about nature, or rather, animals and their private parts. You see, it turns out horsies have big ol' peepees, and the first picture I expertly designed was actually close to the reality, and I needed to start from scratch on a new picture. The result of that is what you see on the right, the one with the bigger censored penis." -So So
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| UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 22:33, 27 June 2008 (UTC)
[edit] Join The CMC! Make Your Inner Cow Happy!Moo, Javascap!What is it about cows that gets us all hot and bothered? Where do cows come from? What are cows?
These are the questions that drive the Cow Moo Cult and its brethren, who are very, VERY interested in cows and cow by-products.
The CMC is devoted not only to cows, but to helping Uncyclopedia through general acts of goodness and through motivating people with cow-treats and the like.
So, Javascap, why not join the CMC? It's free (unless you count virginity as money) and it's fun (and it's full of clichés)! You'll get a pretty template for your userpage and a nice title for your signature! What could be better? Sign Up Now!
- Double moos from your cowy friend,
YTTE
[edit] Thankings fo the nom!
| Necropaxx loves Hippies and you do too.
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PS: No physical contact, please, the smell will rub off.
Thanks for voting on Hippies on VFH.
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Thanks for the nom! • • • SIR FELLOW Necropaxx KUN {PotM VFH VFP Chop HS VotM} (blah, blah, blah...) 20:37, Jul 8
[edit] Get well soon, Java
We miss ya, bud. ~ Cajek! <3:13, 09 Jul 2008>
- Thanks Cajek =) Warm Regards, ▀ĴαVắśСąР▀03:15 July 9 2008
[edit] Could you get your rear end to RationalWiki...
as in NOW!!! 67.189.228.127 03:39, 10 July 2008 (UTC)
[edit] UnSignpost: Jewlie 3rd/10th, 2008
The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!
July 10th, 2008 • Tenth Issue Spectacular!
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Uncyclopedia running out of interesting stuff, UnSignpost starts up shitty telethon!
- By DJ Irreverent
Look at you, sitting there all high and mighty with your Chuck Norris facts and Oscar Wilde quotes, well during this season of laziness and sitting round jacking off, please donate the gift of humor (or humour, we bend that way to no matter how much we are chased out of church) to a poor Uncyclopedian run newspaper near you. Take this poor little article for example; Canadian Tire Money or Canny as no-one calls him, just 8 minutes old and he is already roaming the streets. Illiterate and doing incoherency, long lines of lists and e before i (especially after c), it is only a matter of time before he turns to gay jokes to fund his addictions. Please help this little article achieve its potential as an Injoke by donating the gift of laughter, stupidity... or even just simple bad taste.
Successes
- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA[complete success]! ~ Annoying Article
- Fuck not this again... ~ Captain Obvious
- Free publicity in exchange for; 1) Shitty memes 2) Dragging up shitty memes ~ Euroipods
There's more you can do...
Call you're nearest admin and start a discussion about just how much humor you can donate (read: swearing and shock-porn), or start the 2717231278th forum topic concerning how we all must strive to remove the scourge of shitty articles. In the immortally misattributed words of our founding fathers, stillwaters and Chronarion "Fuck were we high" er... or words of respected member TheLedBalloon "Also, in the ass or the mouth?" oh dear... or even words of respected member 81.101.207.62 "Hey look a donut". Amen. Our lines are open to your pledges 25/7.
Please help Save Cats from Degrading Captions- wait... - Save the Porn onto my Hard-drive- uh... I remember! Save UnSignpost from falling into a pit of lame memes and boring articles, here is a parting word from a little one in need of YOUR help.
Ry4N IS TEh GH3Y n00b whO SUX b4lls!!1 ~ Ryan kella
Makes you think don't it? We will be taking your calls now. Or now. Not now. Ok, now.
Modusoperandi OP'ed!?
- By: THEDUDEMAN
This past month of June, the Uncyclopedia community got its first chance at VFS since February, and one new op was decided upon. While there were many great and very capable candidates, one in particular got the most attention and the most votes. Modusoperandi. This long time Uncyclopedian has been to VFS almost every time it gets opened as far as we can trace, and always misses it in the final round by a slim number of votes. However, this month turned out to be a winner for him, so congratulations Modus. MO likes to spend his time writing things and 'chopping some images, but also finds time to goof off in the forums, and relieve the everyday pressure of his fellow colleagues with his off topic sense of humor, which he rarely hides. Modus has a total of 19.5 featured articles as well as 10 featured images. We at UnSignpost congratulate Modus on his winnings, and are willing to put $10 on him becoming the next STM.
UnSignpost Takes A Wikibreak
- By: UU
Yeah, the UnSignpost, the newspaper that Uncyclopedia would totally fall apart without, took a wikibreak last week. They seem to be fashionable, so we thought we'd find out what they were all about. They seem to involve time spent not hunched over a keyboard in a darkened room. The UnSignpost reminds you that such activities are hazardous to your health, and should be avoided at all costs. (Note: this is absolutely true - in no way did the UnSignpost just miss a week because no-one could be bothered to edit it, or anything)
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From our logs:
- 19:56, 30 June 2008 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked Codeine (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a sloppy wet blowjob
- 19:42, 30 June 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) changed group membership for Modusoperandi from (none) to sysop (I asked on IRC for a funny reason tto put here, and no-one could come up with one. Losers.)
- 22:39, 30 June 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 80.42.211.35 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Blanking articles will not compensate for your small penis))
- (Block log); 18:54 . . Codeine (Talk | contribs) (blocked 71.231.38.117 with an expiry time of 1 week: No, Pete Doherty is a talentless junkie cunt. Deal with it.)
- (Huff log); 18:21 . . Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) (huffed "Hate Crew official fan club": Shock to the page/and you're to blame/baby, you give stubs/a bad name)
- (Huff log); 20:12 . . Mordillo (Talk | contribs) (huffed "Cabal/Cabal9": content was: 'there is a cabal' (and the only contributor was located and executed by the cabal. There is no cabal)
- (Block log); 22:30 . . Mhaille (Talk | contribs) (blocked User:Revel4tion with an expiry time of infinite: and on the eight day he fucked off)
- 10:58, 8 July 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 72.95.139.248 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours (You partly piss me off. The rest of me is in love. I'm torn. Come back later. I hate you. I love you!)
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| Biopic of the Week
MrN9000 ~ One of the more "seasoned" users on Uncyc, at a sprightly 360 years old, MrN was bitten by a pair of radioactive Y-fronts in his youth, bestowing upon him the awesome power of pants. Fortunately for us here at Uncyc, he decided to use those powers for good, and he is now our reigning king of poop, featured author and amateur tap dancer (hea, a man can have more than one hobby!)
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| Quote of the Week
<Codeine> here's a thought
<Codeine> If you download music, supposedly you're damaging the music industry
<Codeine> but
<Codeine> if you download childporn, you're *supporting* the childporn industry
<Codeine> I'M GETTING MIXED SIGNALS
<Ljlego> moral of the story:
<Ljlego> childporn is the way to go
<zombieninja> XD
<Run-DLL> thanks for the moral go-ahead
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| Crappy deleted Stub of the Week
"this chocolate is blue. and it has a BIG GREEN PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#" - From Blue chocolate
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| Reason to take a Wikibreak of the Week (Admin Special)
"You dream that you're being deopped after being called "The Bloody Admin" (as in that one whose hands are drenched in user's blood). Yes. Yes." - Mordillo
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| UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 06:28, 12 July 2008 (UTC)
[edit] UnSignpost: July 17th, 2008
The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!
July 17th, 2008 • Eleventh Issue • Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
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It's The Poo Lit. Surprised?
- By UU
Uncyclopedia's twice annual writing competition, the Poo Lit Surprise starts this week. In typical Uncyclopedia style, it seems to have come as a surprise to many, not least EMC, who was supposed to be running it, but who has disappeared without trace.
Horrified by what was happening to their beloved and prestigious competition, the Uncyclopedia community rushed into action as soon as it noticed (a day or so late), and promptly agreed someone needed to do something.
This was followed by some of the community running around in small circles, flapping their hands wildly and panicking a bit, before cuddly authority figure Zombiebaron decisively stepped in and selflessly told Dr. Skullthumper to sort it out and get the fuck on with it.
At the time of going to press, both Skullthumper and Zombiebaron may have been available for comment for all we know, but we couldn't be bothered to ask them.
VFS: The Race Hots Up For The Second Month Running
- By UU
In an unprecedented turn of events, and due to namby-pamby unclear rules that have since been firmed up and given a healthy gay colour makeover, Uncyclopedia is voting for further candidates to be admitted to the non-existent cabal.
The race is turning out to be quite a close one between several of the frontrunners, so the ever-impartial UnSignpost (founded by Cajek and Dr. Skullthumper) brings you pen pics of the current favourites.
- Heerenveen - Uncyclopedia's Tank. Doesn't sleep, eat, dream or pet fluffy animals. Does nothing, in fact, but patrol Special:Recentchanges, rolling over cyberbullying, shooting down crap, smoking out vandals and reverting their stuff, and other tank-like activities. What to expect: extreme diligence, and a bigger gun, apparently.
- MrN9000 - Profiled in the Unsignpost only last week, MrN has still found time to become even more awesome than he was then, and mends, mentors and poopsmiths his way around the site with matchless dedication. What to expect: zero tolerance for anything pants.
- Roman Dog Bird - Frankie is another tireless worker in the name of making crap stuff less crap, good stuff betterer, and shite stuff deleted. Wherever there is a thankless task to be done on the wiki, you shall find him. Which is a good job, because we have no intention of thanking him. What to expect: him to be ready from day one (hmm, that's a catchy slogan...)
- Dr. Skullthumper - A true legend of Uncyclopedia: handsome, talented, possessed of unprecedented levels of awesome, and a genius towards whom this newspaper (that he co-founded) is not in the least bit biased. Oh no. And can he give the editorial staff their teddies back now, please? What to expect: benevolent dictatorship with an iron fist. In a good way.
- RAHB - What comes to mind when you hear the name RAHB? Is it VFD? QVFD? QTVFD? RecentChanges? All those answers are correct and more when you get the new and improved RAHB this month! RAHB is an Uncyclopedia policy wonk with all the credentials of Al Gore, except for that Vice-President thing. What to expect: former audio superstar turned into a big, friendly admin. In a good way!
Who will win? All may be reported in future editions of the UnSignpost. If we remember. And if we can be bothered.
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From our logs:
- 17:49, 11 July 2008 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.173.54.200 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (This is a penis, this is you)
- 18:29, 11 July 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 156.34.72.222 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (This ban is approved by the society of Chuck Norris followers. Chuck, for a better world )
- 23:37, 13 July 2008 Spang (Talk | contribs) blocked Jimbo spends foundation money in russian prostitutes (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (IN them?)
- 08:31, 17 July 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.73.10.118 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (If there something I really detest is IPs with small penii trying to act like big honchos on a wiki web site. I'd like to meet you one day, Mr. IP, and send you over the IP hospital)
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| Biopic of the Week
Hyperbole ~ Hype is awesome! Hype has been on Uncyc for just a short time, and yet has already written some of the greatest articles ever composed by human beings! Hype is easily the greatest author ever to have graced this humble wiki, and it is surely only a matter of time before he sails past Ljlego's record of 76 features with consummate ease. And despite not having either the Democrat or Republican nomination, Hype is also the surest bet in this year's Presidential elections! Is there anything this guy can't do? Apart from that thing with the rosary and the 3 Mexican children?
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| Comeback of the Week
Gerrycheevers ~ For the third or fourth time this year, Uncyc's comeback kid has again popped through his revolving catflap to grace us with his presence after a period of absence! The UnSignpost staff are accepting bets as to how long this comeback will last. Any takers?
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| Plea of the Week
Hey you! Yes you! You're reading this, so you must have some free time you don't know what to do with, so why not write an article for the UnSignpost! As you can tell from reading this very issue, actual writing talent is not required, just spout some gubbins about something that's happened on the wiki during the last week, and as long as it's not too likely to start drama, we'll probably stick it in! How can you refuse? Go on, be your friend?
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| UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 06:02, 20 July 2008 (UTC)
[edit] UnSignpost: July 24th, 2008
The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!
July 24th, 2008 • Twelfth Issue • Now On Time?
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Count to a million
- By Gerrycheevers
This week Uncyclopedians continued on their quixotic attempt to "count to a million." Started by Uncyclopedia Wiki-master and Chamber of Commerce Secretary Spang in early March of this year, the project seeks to eventually reach the number one million (1,000,000) through the ancient art of counting. Any person who is capable of taking a number, adding one to it, and expressing the result has been invited to join the massive undertaking, which has seen dozens of contributors come and go. As is always the case here at Uncyc, the project has spawned controversy, criticism, and a spin-off starring Tony Shalhoub as Olipro.
The forum is an unprecedented pool of knowledge. As each number is reached, it is discussed in-depth by several Uncyclopedians. Insights such as "114 That's my age + 100 lololol" and "616 fucks fucking fucker's shitty crap" are a testament to the intellecually stimulating conversation that occurs each day. Oftentimes, relevant images are posted; the variety of these pictures can be seen by looking here, here, here, and here. However, not everyone is so optimistic about the project.
Some have expressed concern that the entire thing has some kind of sinister purpose. When asked for a comment on the harmless-appearing but diabolically-undertoned project, TheLedBalloon said, "although the project appears harmless, there are definitely diabolical undertones." Another anonymous user stated, "that forum is most surely not pants." Spang himself has expressed his desire to leave behind a legacy, but he has also left open the possibility that "the entire thing is just an urban myth, and doesn't really exist."
Regardless of its true meaning or intentions, Uncyclopedians continue to trudge on in their epic quest, reaching 0.075% of their goal this Monday. Editors come and go, the pace quickens and slackens, but someone is always there to figure out the next number in the sequence. At its current rate, the project will reach one million on August 19th, 2526. Until that glorious day, Uncyclopedians can only dream...
Cheevers Fires Back!
- By An unbiased journalist
After some light-hearted slights in last week's issue, Gerry Cheevers - Uncyclopedia's resident headcase and #2 hockey authority - has taken exception with the editors of this fine periodical. An ugly scene erupted in the USP press room after Gerry barged in, demanding some sort of justice. Luckily, some quick thinking by our tea-boy and current stand-in editor caused Mr. Cheevers to be distracted by a shiny object long enough to avoid any damage to our delicate newspapering equipment. After it was pointed out that he had in fact come and gone from Uncyclopedia like some sort of cow that grazes on witty satire and coherent parody, Gerry calmed down enough give a brief interview and let some of our junior reporters scratch him behind the ears.
When asked about the reasons for his return, Gerry cited many things. Prominent among them were a desire to have humor play a larger role in his life once again, the thrill of writing articles, the subsequent crushing defeat after said articles have been hacked to pieces mercilessly, and his heterosexual man-crush on Mhaille. The one-time WotM nominee fell on hard times in mid-March, and went on sabbatical when his computer decided that it was not long for this world and took its own life. After that, Gerry resorted to breaking into libraries after-hours to cast VFH votes on city-owned, porn-riddled, abysmally slow dial-up computers. Luckily he landed a job in late May and has spent a majority of his time at said job slacking off and editing Uncyclopedia. Mr. Cheevers looks forward to getting back to what he is known for: mediocre writing, scathing Pee Reviews, and keeping Manforman locked up in the Uncyc dungeons. Several prominent Uncyclopedians share his optimism for a permanent return, including noted reviewing robot MrN9000, who stated that he was "willing to bet everything Cajek owns to that effect," and heavy zeppelin Don Leddy, who expressed his delight at seeing Gerry, exclaiming "gimme back my twenty dollars!"
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From our logs:
- 23:16, 19 July 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.254.51.48 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (Wow! I was gonna go the rest of my life hating Metallica, but you've opened my eyes to their true greatness! You, sir, are an hero! An hero!)
- 23:56, 20 July 2008 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked Swampgas (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (congratulations, now you can add us to your list of sites you got banned from for being a bellend)
- 21:53, 22 July 2008 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) huffed "Slappy's Angels" (VFD - I throw in anotherv invisible vote to put these at -4/-5 (YEAH I'M TOO LAZY TO EDIT))
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| Biopic of the Week
Sycamore ~ One of Uncyc's noteworthy Caledonian correspondents, Sycamore claims his prowess at writing stems from a hearty diet of haggis, neeps and tatties, washed down wi' a whisky, a can of Irn-Bru, and a gratuitous stereotype. He's managed to stay sober long enough to write quality articles on Battleship Potemkin, David Bowie and Tony Visconti, and doubtless celebrated in true Scottish fashion - with a couple of cans of Tennent's and a fight!
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| Page of the Week (gay version)
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This Week's Horoscopes
- GUARANTEED TO BE ACCURATE
- Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - The position of Mars renders you the likely victim of pirate attacks this week. Carefully guard any grog, wenches, and booty you may
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