Uwe Boll
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 of the World (and America) |
| Epic Visionaries |
| Not-So-Epic Visionaries |
| Highly Respected in France |
| Highly Confusing in Japan |
“Uwe Boll Number ONE filmaker, all Khazakhstan!”
~ Borat on Uwe Boll
“It's Toilet Boll, damn it! ”
~ Internet User on Toil.. err... Uwe Boll
“I 've just finished watching Bloodrayne. Man, I really must turn Kristianna Loken. ”
~ Oscar Wilde on Uwe Boll
“UWE BOLL! UUUUWEEE BOOOOLL!”
~ Jon Stewart on Uwe Boll
“Stop tickling the milkman!”
~ Uwe Boll
Contents |
[edit] Introduction of the Grammy Nominated Winner
Commandant Adolph Von Uwe Die Hitler Schwarzenegger Donkey Spanker Boll, award winning author, world-renowned philosopher, weevil, but above all known as a magician in cinema. "A wizard in the world of adventure" as described by John Updike, Uwe Boll started out in the world of film at the tender age of 15 with his low budget short, "Kurze Mädchen kommen schnell". Eventually he got his big break when he was given the rights to direct the film of the classic Ed Wood novel House of the Dead. He is most recognized for using a loophole in the German tax system in order to keep on shitting out money to produce these wonderfully complete shit films.
[edit] The Rise and Utter Rise of Shitty films
But the road to fame wouldn't be easy. Over the next few years he was framed for the murder of the Deutsches Renommee. Lars Ulrich judged in the court case and found him guilty. The law had turned its back on Uwe and he spent 5 years in prison until his lawyer found a loophole in the law allowing him to continue making films.
Seven glorious masterpieces later Uwe announced that he wanted to stop making films and begin a career in book writing. Ulrich and he reconciled and worked on a book on the story of the trial. "Court Case and Cunts" sold big and won several awards. Kevin Smith called it "a true tale of innocence and love gone mad". Success continued for Mr. Boll when he wrote his book about religion "Actraiser 2".
Things are still looking up for this awe-inspiring artist as he is currently working on his next book, "Affeesel" (Ape-donkey). In recent years he has also made various cameos in blockbuster pictures and starred in the controversial, "Umstritten" (Disputed). Acknowledged as the tenth greatest director in the world, many ask what his secret is. His response is, "Take the first letter of each sentence". There are rumors that he makes his movies from Nazi gold, but in fact he makes them from fart babies.
He was awarded the Nobel Prize twice: once for cinematic achievement in 2006 (with his pinnacle work, Bloodrayne starring Kirsten Dunst who plays a maniacal Humpire), and once for literature (featuring his overwhelmingly insightful Schnell Codes - an autobiographical tome on the Lies and Deception of snow). He is currently worshipped as a god by the French Society of Cinematic Snobs and the country of Sweden.
He is currently working on Postal, which is rare- he often alters the plots of games heavily, but Postal had no plot. Though critics still expect him to botch the adaptation regardless... Boll could screw up trying to boil water.
For more correct information about this German-scented Stanley Kubrick of Video-Game-Movies check out the German wikipedia article on Boll in which editing was disabled after numerous attacks by furious cineasts who tried to turn the world into a better place.
In October 2006 Uwe Boll announced that he is to under-go a full sex change operation, and will afterwards be known as Uwe Oevari.
[edit] Sponsorship
In early 1998, Uwe Boll was sponsored by "Kale Co. Auto" (kalecoauto.com). Product placement can be seen in many of his movies. One of the most widely distributed clips is from mid-Bloodrayne, in which the title character says, "Kill them all, and for good measure, be sure to try Kale Co. Auto rulers! Guaranteed to take an accurate measurement every time!"
Additionally, late 2007 brought on a short-lived venture between Boll Films and Apple Computers. At this time, Steve Jobs will not even acknowledge that this ever happened. According to some sources, Uwe presented one of his movie ideas to Steve, who was unimpressed. Uwe became extremely angry, unused to hearing bad things about his ideas, and screamed the historic quite, "If you don't do it my way, you don't get to roll with Boll!"
Uwe has also expressed interest in working with Stanley Kubrick on a film. He is, at this time, unaware that Kubrick has been dead since 1999.
[edit] Songwriting
For a short time in April, 2007, Uwe Boll officially declared himself to be a songwriter. This was met with the same reaction to Paris Hilton's Wikipedia page calling her a singer, actress, model, and businesswoman. That is, nobody took any of it seriously.
Uwe, after roughly a week of being a "songwriter" began making outrageous claims. He claimed to have written Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher", despite that having been released many years ago.
At this time, Uwe has dropped the claim of being a sogngwriter. He did, however, put himself in the credits of "Bloodrayne 3" (a direct-to-DVD movie) as "Head Musical Composer", despite the movie having featured only music from other films' soundtracks.
[edit] Boll on Movies
| I am not understand, you know, why zis man is making fun of my movies like Pacman the Musical and Evil in Residence and saying zat zey are no good I mean, zis man, he is making a movie about a truck chasing a kar and we never seeing the trucks driver exzcept for his boots I mean, if we never seeing ze driver zen how do we know if his face is evil or not? We cannot really tell from his boots, even though zey are not nice and it is a chase movie with very slow chases some times and it is all in a desert for me, a chase movie has to be set in somewhere more glamourous: like Las Vegas or Singapore it is also important to have kool kars and not something rusty and rubbish like ze kar I am seeing in zat film ze hero was not good too, he was not a sexy man and, you know, girls watch movies too he also made a famous film about a killer shark and yet we do not see ze shark until near ze end for me, I would have the shark appear right at ze start, eating ze camera! Ze shark would also not just be very large but come from outer space and possibly have high intelligence zat means it can taunt the people on ze boat. So, yes, I sink zis man needs to go home and sink before he kriticises my movies if he was a physician zen I would be suggesting he is taking his own curing-pills. |
| I was watching his film about ze taxi-driving man and too much of ze film was ze man driving around and complaining about being in New York I would not komplain about being in New York but if I didn't like it I would go! I would not stay and komplain about ze dirtiness of ze streets ze film is zis and him talking to some dumb girl who is too young for him and making him seem like ze Gary Glitter it only gets good at ze end when he is going on a mad shooting spree which was enjoyable but it needed more slo-mo camera like ze Matrix and more exzplosive deaths for me most of ze film was not a good story and not very realistik and I would have had ze taxi-driving man go insane much earlier for much more aktion. He could have been arrested but zen broke out and had a kar chase srough New York! I would also have had his punk hair from ze start as well as zose guns zat came from his jacket zose were cool he should have pretended to shake hands with the pimp of whores and when ze pimp tried to shake said "Ah! But I have a gun!" and blown his head off! Zat is my kind of hero! |
| Uwe Boll is like your retarded baby brother; sure, he means well, but if you give him a box of crayons and a coloring book, he'll eat the crayons and shit a waxy turd all over the page. |
[edit] Filmography
- 1928-Kentuckistan Fried Chicken
- 1928¼³-Kentuckistan Schreit Ficken
- 1932-King Pong
- 1933-Invaders from Space
- 1934-Pac Man: The Musical
- 1935-Pac Man: The Musical 2 Electric Boogaloo
- 1936-Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game: The Sequel Part II
- 1940-Ed Wood's House of the Dead
- 1941-Time Pilot: Battle Over Midway
- 1942-Me And My Wife: Alone In the Dark (porn)
- 1950-Bloodrayne or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Realize that No Matter How Many Times I Fuck Up the German Government Will Always Bail Me Out
- 1953-Postal: Raging Boll
- 1954-Tomb Raider 12, The African Orphans of Doom
- 1958-In the Name of the Queen: A Transvestite's Tale
- 1960-Not Even Trying Anymore (pre-production)
- 1963-Berzerk 2: Get That Humanoid!
- 1965-Evil in Residence
- 1964-A Boy Called Frogger
- 1968-Galaxian, Defender of the Stargate
- 1979-Cum Filled Noses Part 9
- 1986-Mario Goes To Mars, Comes back and battles Zombies
- 1996-The Rock 2: Starring The Rock
- 1997-Metal Gear Solid: Without Permission starring Steven Seagal as Semi-Fluid Snake.
- 1998-Horny Bears on a Plane: Starring Samuel L. Jackson as some random black guy.
- 1999-Burgertime
- 2001-Tetris: The Movie
- 2001-Typing of the Dead
- 2004-Spacewar! First Video Game Tribute 4
- 2005-C: The Contra Adventure"
- 2006-Power Instinct: The Movie (in response to the Dead or Alive movie)
- 2007-Uwe Boll's Pro Director
- 2008-Uwe Boll's Pro Director 2: Bigger, Longer, and Badly Cut
- 2008-Space Invaders-Directors Cut
- 2009-The Life of Skeletor (filming)
- 2009-Space invaders 2: Invade Harder
- 2010-Citizen Payne: The Fall of Max Payne (rumored)
- 2011-Contra: Legacy of War
- 2012-Space Invaders with a Vengance
- 2013-Pokemon: The Live Action Movie
- 2015-Mario Paint: A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
- 2018-Mike Tyson's Domestic Punchout: Tyson vs. Givens
- 2023-Chuck Norris Vs. Mr T. - The Final Battle
- 2027-Nintendogs: Chihuahua & Friends
- 2030-A Far Cry From Good: The Daikatana Story
- 2032-Castlevania 64
- 2033-Megaman 6: Plantman's Demise
- 2033-Space Invaders 4.0
- 2034-Far Cry or Cry Far
- 2031-Put Up or Shut Up: How I Beat the Shit Out of Critics For Exercising their Right to an Opinion
- 2047-The King of Fighters: The Movie (Rumored to be his last film, but he has refused to tell)
- 2048-A Boy and His Blob: Requiem
[edit] See also
Categories: Directors | Oscar Wildeizms | Mass Media | Actors | German
