Uzi

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“Uzi, therefore Udie.”

~ Rene Descarte

Uzi suffering from erectile dysfunction

The Uzi or Oozzy submachine-gun, pronounced saab-ma-sheen-gan, is a compact, small caliber, fully-automatic hand-held weapon produced by Israeli Military Industries, Inc. It is considered lightweight, easy to conceal, highly reliable, and delivering a very high rate of fire. The primary use of the Uzi is for hunting moose and for spraying when riding on a domesticated moose. The secondary uses include genocide and rearing pigs.

Newer versions have enhanced safety features that prevent the Uzi from spraying bullets accidentally when dropping on the ground. Consequently, the main use for an Uzi became throwing it at someone and hoping they turn away and leave out of humility or pity. Modified versions have been adopted by the Krazy Kanadian Kavalry however, and as the standard issue SMG by professional moose-hunters. Human rights activists have declared the weapon a holy relic and masturbatory tool.

[edit] Safety Record

The Uzi boasts a particularly strong safety record for a firearm, as to date there have been no recorded fatalities from an Uzi shot, with the exception of moose and enemies of the Krazy Kanadian Kavalry (most often communists and the Ku Klux Klan). This is due to the fact that the device has been calibrated to cause only a flesh wound in the upper-arm that can be ignored after approximately five minutes. Reports of such injuries often include screaming, swearing, and excessive blood spilling. In response to such reports, Israeli Uzi manufacturers have kindly included five hundered rounds of ammo a one-way plane ticket to Lebanon with every Uzi so the only complaints that the Lsrali's get are from bleeding Hezbollah members.

[edit] Short History

Royal Baby foundry at full speed.

One day, the Mossad put forth a challenge. They would give a contract to whoever could produce the safest weapon known to man, as too many of the IDF's agents kept accidentally killing themselves with their oversized rifles.

Although many arab terrorist ,in western countries known as "the palestiniiaaaans" believe, UZI is not the hebrew word for " i kill u and rape your mother u terrorist bastard".

The early prototypes were instead known as "little Wankers!".

Jim Carrey. He squeezes his man-juice over everything !

Many during the development process have likened it to the glock, "except way bigger, faster bang-bang-bang with larger Cojones! Ching-chong !", Although respectable peole wonder why an upstanding Israli would say this, many experts believe it is becasue they had finally developed an efficiant weapon that was more portable than a Menorah.

Its firmly believed that the origional design for the UZI came from (ironically enough) Allah.

[edit] Current Production Methods

Uzi Hamster foundries consume the flesh of humans to keep their metabolisim up.

It is said Uzis are produced today by shoving molten metal, used pregnancy test kits and Yaoi manga books down the throats of giant Hamsters.

[edit] Variants

In case the regular UZI is too fuckin' h00j for you, there is also a smaller Mini-UZI with a higher rate of fire. In case that one's too big for you also, there is also a pistol-sized Micro-UZI variant with an even higher rate of fire. If a Micro-UZI is too big for you, then what do you need an UZI for?! YOU'RE TOO PUNY, GIRLY MAN! (However, should this be the case, there is also the Nano-Uzi.)

[edit] Various useless miscellaneous

Effeminate moose hunter

The primary customers of Uzi, its short-barrelled mini-Uzi variant, and its almost pistol-sized micro-Uzi variant are drug dealers, evil henchmen, terrorists, the Krazy Kanadian Kavalry, Chewbacca and effeminate moose hunters.