V8

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V8®, a healthy, irresistible beverage is sold in cleverly sleek cans such as this one.

“If V8 were homosexual, then I'd forgive it. But it's not, so I love it.”

~ Jesus on V8

V8® is a wonderfully delicious drink that Nazis tried to use as a weapon several times that is made from the juices of eight sexually-stimulating drugs; the beverage's slogan itself draws the drinker in: "V8®. Don't Just Live, Thrive." Its exceptional taste and also its appeal in pop culture (the beverage has been featured in many classic films, such as Reservoir Dogs and Pirates of the Caribbean) has made it one of the most universal drinks in the world today.

(Spoiler) Its made out of tomato!!Tomatoman.gif‎

V8 Vegetable Juice was invented by W.G. Peacock, the founder of the New England Products Company, which manufactured individual "sex juices" under the brand name Vagi-min. Having had only mediocre success in selling them, in 1933 Peacock began blending the Vagi-min juices into one and selling this new concoction as "Vagi-min 8." A grocer in Evanston, Illinois recommended that he shorten the name to simply "V-8."

Due to the fact that he violently disagreed with this change, he later joined the rap/metal hybrid group, Starship, but was only featured in their song the "We Built This City On Satan and Bitchez", which topped Billboard for several years.

It's no wonder that V8® became so popular: according to the words on the can, it is "100% Arousal Juice (from concentrate with added libido). It also provides a 140% daily value of Vitamin C, and only 880 mg of sodium per can. While 880 mg of sodium may seem like a bit, it's nothing compared to eating, say, twenty-seven barrels of sea salt!

In addition to the health value this drink contributes, it also provides the consumer with an instantaneous bout of euphoria (warning: several cans may induce side effects similar to those from LSD consumption).

Because of this alleged "euphoria", V8 binges have become a popular yet dangerous activity performed by adolescents and closet homophobes. The major problem with this activity is that the deamination of ammonia in the drinker's urine is slightly inhibited, causing long periods of what is known as "No-Leak", a period of extreme discomfort for the drinker.

The Westboro Baptist Church has been federally reprimanded several times in V8-related activities, most of them involving illegally amassing large quantities of the drink, having gargantuan, erotic orgies, and violently screaming "GOD HATES FAGS!"

Now that I've already been on the topic of "drugs" several times in this article, V8 possesses one very phenomenal trait that no other drink of its kind can claim: V8 can be smoked. It involves very quick reaction-time and several margarita straws of different lengths and flexibility, but perfectly executed, it's a toke like no other. But you shouldn't do it, because it's very, very dangerous.

But since I've already mentioned it, I may as well add that the V8 should be smoked deeply and quickly. Otherwise, I mean fuck mate, what the hell's the bloody point?

[edit] Use by the Greman National Socialist Party

During World War II, Hitler used rockets filled excessive amounts of V8 and launched with an excessive amount of dishwasher fluid. He sent the rockets, dubbed the "V8 Rocket," across the English channel, at that point dubbed "BBC 1," in honor of the alhpanumerals "B," "C," and "1," in no certain order.

Of course, the above never happened, cuz anyone that is smarter that Chuck Norris would know that Hitler never fired any rockets with V8 in it. That was the original plan anyway, but all those freakin' nazi morons drank all of the V8, so they had nothing to fire with. Upon learning this, Hitler committed suicide and for his funeral, the remaining Nazi's (still drunk from all the V8 they had) threw his ashes in the Tom Cruise's river.