V8 Supercar
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“Who's been a bad boy?”
~ Russell Ingall on Paul Morris
“You call this a shag carpet?”
~ Russell Ingall on Crapbox Commodore's Carpet
“Oh boy, he's really going to get it now!”
~ Paul Morris on James Courtney after he backended Morris
“Who cares about the Championship? I've just won Bathurst!”
~ Greg Murphy on The Championship
“Now it's time to see the big cunts, err...guns”
~ Neil Crompton on V8 Supercar Drivers
“That cunt stole my line!”
~ Paul Morris on Neil Crompton
“Yep, I can drive too! I even won a race!”
~ Grant Denyer on Being more annoying the Eddie Macguire
Australians love two things: drinking and driving. No Australian can think of a better way to spend a long weekend than having a few drinks, driving 500 kilometres to a racetrack somewhere out in the bush, drinking a skinful of beer, watching some other blokes driving around for a bit, having a few more stubbies (if the first slab's starting to wear off), trying to create the biggest groundpizza of the day or seeing if they can projectile vomit onto the track (extra points awarded for hitting a car or double points for getting it through the side window of the car) and then driving 500 miles back home.
This is where V8 Supercars racing comes in - alcohol fumes meet petrol fumes (The petrol is now alcohol, talk about drink driving!) in a dead-set, true-blue, green-and-gold, no-beg-pardons, if-you-don't-mind-umpire stoush between Ford and Holden.
All Australians are required to pick a side, though most find that their parents picked one for them at birth, long before they were christened and about the same time as they were put on the waiting list for membership of the Melbourne Cricket Club. Holden fans waggishly suggest that Ford stands for "Found on Rubbish Dumps", "Fixed or Repaired Daily", "Fucked on Race Day" and when reversed, it can stand for "Driver Returns on Foot", while Ford fans waggishly assert that Holden stands for "Holes, Oil Leaks, Dents and Engine Noise", "Hold On, Low Down Engine Noise" and "Hope Our Luck Doesn't End Now". They both had to collectively pitch in to ban the Skyline GT-R's in the early 90's because Holden and Ford knew they would never beat one on the track with such crap cars.
The beauty of V8 Supercars is that anyone can win, even the crappy pay driver that Ford hired in their Top Team wannabe car, which gives less appeal to those overseas as they rather see a dominant set of teams rather then this free for all garbage. But one thing those series would want is the fact that passing happens often. Often you see guys start at the back of the grid to win, this means that either the driver is very good, or his competition sucks. (Morris and Dumbrell often help out by clearing unwanted garbage at times.)
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[edit] Kings of the Mountain
The highlight of the V8 season is always the James Hardie Asbestos 1000 at the sacred Viking burial mound of Mount Panorama, near Bathurst. An average of 1,000,000 spectators turn up to have a drink, so technically the cars can run on the alcohol exhaled by the crowd, but few teams like to do this as the lumps of carrot in the vomit can cause fuel-line blockages. Ugly, but hey, it's organic!
Drivers get together, some local and some internationally, just so the Aussies can laugh at their crummy driving skills. It's always good fun to see a punch up between father and son, Aussies and Kiwis and teammates alike! Just don't forget to bring your balaclava, otherwise you'll be getting Greg Murphy in your face.
In the time-honoured Australian tradition, the wallopers are chased off and their vans turned over and set on fire, and with a bit of luck a kangaroo will get onto the track and get skittled by a Commodore, which is perfect for the barbie; Yep, Skippy still hasn't learnt not to play on the road.
Bathurst weekend is without a doubt the most important date on the Australian sporting calendar (AFL Grand Final, NRL Grand Final, Melbourne Cup, Australian Open tennis, Formula One Grand Prix, Boxing Day Test, Tri-nations rugby, and Anzac Day two-up). It is also the one event that enables foreign visitors to see contemporary Australian culture at its most drunk.
Sadly, in 1992, the joyous occasion turned to tragedy on "Sunday, Bloody Rotten Friggin' Bastard Sunday", when the trophy went overseas for the first time, having been won by the Godzilla Racing Team's Nissan Skyline GT-R. But only because it was raining, they had a turbo and a reliable car and the bastards had four-wheel-drive. Now let's never speak of it again.
[edit] Making it fun
To keep things interesting, V8 Supercars spectators make a point of participating in the race proper by placing obstacles such as cardboard boxes, plastic bags (Known to make Falcons blow up) and kangaroos on the track (which are very attracted to Castrol Commodores). It is then up to the drivers to take the punt on whether the boxes are empty and they can plough through them Jackie Chan-style (pictured right), or whether that innocuous-looking pile of cardboard is actually there to conceal the engine block out of Dad's clapped-out old Torana.
Other animals and objects commonly placed on the track for a bit of a laugh include wombats (those little bastards can knock your sump cover right up into your crankshaft), emus, tires, ball bearings, beer kegs, refrigerators, and the classic favourite; Advertsing signs.
Most V8 Supercars drivers have their driver's-side window covered in chicken wire to keep the beer bottles out. In recent years, advances in digital camera technology have enabled drivers to make a note of who's been throwing stuff at them, so that when they've finished necking the Moet on the podium they can fling the empty bottle at the bastard. Most Bathurst holiday packages include insurance that covers driver-inflicted magnum trauma.
Occasionally a rock will be thrown out onto the track mid race. This is referred to as the mid race chicane and is designed to test the driver skill. One year Dick Johnson was caught out by this and his Ford was not up to the beating endured and subsequently retired. This resulted in a manipulation of the Australian public by breaking down in tears on national television and guilting the public into giving him money to build a stronger car to contest the James Hardie Asbestos 1000 the next year. Too bad for him that Brockie won it anyway. Bloody Toranas.
[edit] Current Teams and Drivers
The current 2008 line-up is as follows:
Really Shit Holden Team (Holden) Apparantly the factory team, these guys can't win for crap and often win by bribing the offcials and other Holden teams to clear the way, thanks to their crazy boss, Uncle Tom.
1. Garth Tender - A 10 foot pole who married a gridgirl that drives better then he does.
2. Marcus Strife - A former Champion that couldn't finish a race to save his career (or life), yet his car is still #2.
22. Craig Bastard - He does well in Porsches, but can't do jack shit in a car only worth a tenth of the price.
222. Seto Glenda - A blue legand who's wanted a change because he saw that the Falcons were crap. While rich in race starts, he never wins. He likes to screw the rules, because he's got race experiance.
Tasmanian Motorsport (Holden)
Despite the name, they're actually Kiwis that seem to be good at Bathurst, so you can bet your bottom dollar they don't care about anything else. Crashing into them (Most likely the other way around) is likely to end up in an all out Brawl.
3. Jase "Not Jimbo's Son" Retard - Some Kiwi that came out of nowhere, only to roll over. Claims to be the 2nd fastest driver ever.
51. Geg Murph - Is living off the glory of "that lap." Needs to grow up and move on. Won Bathurst 3 times but hasn't done jack shit other than that.
Stoned Brothers Racing (Ford) Druggies, convicts and shamed movie stars make up this team. They are usually the victims of most major incidents, be it the Holdens, Kiwis (They're usually Holden anyway) or Red Necks (Holdens as well). See a pattern here?
4. Jim Carrey - Fresh from the States, he's willing to do anything for TV Time. He got kicked out of Dancing with the Stars for shitty dancing. It just proves driving doesn't improve your ablity to dance.
9. Shame Van Gisbon - The Dutchman has been kicked out of New Zealand and now owes the Aussies some money after murdering his old team.
Bloody Extra Super Cheap And Tacky Autoracing
A.K.A The team with no money and two 20 cc shopping trolleys. dont employ Aussies because there 'To Bloody Expensive'
99999999999. Jin Foer Alle - Reckless japenese ex kamikaze pilot fo drinks more than the Aussies can supply. Famous for first corner incidents (as that is as far as super cheap team can afford in petrol) has never turned a corner in his career he once claimed hed punted the french president for a laugh.
(cant afford a number.) Bud Wiser - American champion at beer drinking. new driver on the grid after the loss of the teams last driver (due to the cost of the overalls being too big because he was too tall-4 foot)he was previously the teams party orgainser but they never won anything so they sacked then rehired him as the new driver. His favourite food is beer and his favorite drink his beer and his favorite past time is drinking, eating or inhaling beer. his favourite phrase is "damn thats a light tasting beer". Oh and hes never drove a car in his life.
Ford Pissweak Racing (Ford) The Ford factory team. They decided to cut fundings to all the other Ford teams because they were doing better then them. They want people to feel pity for them, but its a bit hard considering they have all the money and the cars to do it, must be the organic things between the wheel and the seat.
5. Mark Frozenass - Some sore loser that just can't find his "zone." Known to choke when the pressure's on.
6. Stevie "Son of a" Retard - This guy doesn't know if he's Red or Blue. Just as big a choker if not more then Frozenass.
Larry Perky Craddles (Holden) The equiviliant of the Holden Young Lions team they had before, but they feed their babbies with Jack Daniels, making sure they help out the higher ranked Holden teams. It is sad to see a legend's team being reduced to this...
7. Redneck "Toddler" Kelly - The infint brother of Bucktooth, Can beat "pRick" Kelly on Bikes. Joined the team when they realiazed that they can't win with infants. His stupid pRick brother is better. His name is Toddler to reflect the youth policy at the team.
11. Shane Cheap - A young infant that Larry Perky had to pick to run his team. Is said to be the next big thing, but we know what happens to those kind of people.
500. Jack "The Hack" Perky - Is only a tenth the age of his famous father, but has a thousandth of his talent. Is still better then Toddler and Cheap tho...
Midgets Motorsport (Ford)
They no longer exist due to Ford's prejudice against those of short structure. However, they do race in other series, which they seem to do much better in then this, why they bother coming here, we have no idea.
8. Samba Midget - A small Brazilian who loves to samba, not much can be said about his driving skills.
10. Jason Bagwanka - A midget that won Bathurst with a 10 foot pole. Crashes out often at Phillip Island in specacular fashion.
Back Out Car Racing (Holden) A strong history of flipping people runs strong in this family. On the border of NSW and Victoria, they could claim that they are the only NSW team, but they're better of claimming they're Vics anyway.
12. Andy "On His Back" Jones - This guy is accused of flipping his Uncle many times. But flipping over does run in the family.
13. Badass Jones - The original King of Spin, he could make the car spin around normally or on its roof. Unlike the new King, at least he can keep it in his pants.
14. Cam McConman - A dirty conman, reported to have stolen points off the top runners, he can out run anyone, pity it isn't about running. Said to be the fittest man in pitlane.
Tool HSV Cheater Team (Holden) Another of Uncle Tom's franchises, except this one is run by the Kellys. The Kellys are so serious about winning, they got rid of their son Todd, its just too bad they replaced him with a total dumbass.
15. Bucktooth "pRick" Kelly - A yokel that won after crashing into his main rivals, know for his catchphrase "If you can't beat 'em ... punt 'em off". Speculation is rife as to whether his balls will drop before he actually wins a race or vice versa.
16. Paul Dumbass - Takes out his way better teammates, because he doesn't want them to outscore him, he can even ruin their races by not even getting into the car! Try telling him V8Supercars isn't a demolition derby.
Moby Dick Racing (Ford)
The oldest Ford team there is. Once a fisherman from Ipswitch, Big Dick decided to try his luck at the V8s, not only did he win a few races. he's got the most championships, but nobody remembers those, they only care about Bathurst, and we all know how Big Dick's gone at Bathurst...
17. Stevie J Dick - Is a son of a Dick and weighs just as much as the famous whale, it's said that his father thereats him with Japanese Pay Drivers to harpoon him is where he gets his speed. His heavy weight makes his car very slow.
18. Ishmeal Davison - Was renamed Ishmeal because he didn't fit in Moby Dick's plans. Seems to be faster due to the fact that he's 50 tonnes lighter then his fat teammate.
Poor Wanker's Racing (Holden) Formally by the old man's father, Wanker decided that he was sick of being over lapped by the leaders, so he gave it up to look at even worser drivers getting overtaken, something he;s taken great joy in.
43. Poor Wanker - The team owner that was so crap at driving, he removed himself to give others a better chance.
50. Thomson Thompson- A bumbling decetive that used to probe other teams.
Team Sheep Racing - (Ford/Holden) The equiviliant of Minardi, except they're liked by no one. Known to be the butt of all jokes Kiwi, you can see why the Aussies take the mickey of their Sheep loving buds across the Tasman.
021.- No actual driver takes this spot as Kiwi paydrivers are constantly rotated. Hey, they're better then Aussie paydrivers at least (Which isn't saying much.) If that fails, they could always call in the Bahraini paydriver, at least he finished ahead of Skaife.
WTF? Racing - Holden
Apprantly meant to be the 32nd car on the grid. They tried to to make it to Adelaide, but couldn't make it due to the fact they ran out of fuel and couldn't afford be buy new fuel due to high fuel prices.
24. Garth Walnut - The only Sydneysider out there to prove that Sydney isn't just thugby league town. Has failed to even make the grid.
Jason Dim Racing (Ford)
Started by a dumb Frontrunner who thought himself to be the greatest driver ever, so good that he could beat them in a scrapheap. Well, at least he can being his shitbox to the top 10, but often crashes out due to the sheer crapiness of the car, however, Dim is not as stupid as first thought, he made sure he got himself a wealthy paydriver to pay up, so he then can go on beating hacks in better cars. Is often seen with Tubby Taylor, often giving away free things, courtesy of the Paydriver so that his team gets more publicity. The bigger question remains, Is JDR a rich crap team or a great team with woeful reliablity?
25. Jason Dim - An unintelligent frontrunner who gave it all away just to be in a total shitbox of a car, being overlapped by the people he passed before. Seems to crash out more then finish...
26. Farkus Farceshall - A pay driver that is expected to pay up the damage bill every time Dim crashes into something.
Jolly Roger Motorship (Holden)
Used to be the Premier Youth Team for Holden, now is seen as a joke as Jolly Roger himself turned himself into a pimp and got himself some cool bling. While his wealth grows, his team suffers, but at least the team does have a purpose in Uncle Tom's plan.
33. Mr Holdsworth - a no name servent whose job is to give points to fellow Holden drivers by making pretend accidents.
34. Michelle Caruso - An Italian paydriver that somehow won the Tubby Taylor Series last year.
37. Dean Cunta - A bully, thrashes young little drivers in the Tubby Taylor Series, yet he can't race for crap in the main game.
DDD Racing - (Holden)
An awesome team that takes no crap from anyone (Although Tony Longhurst might have something to say about it) This team has a couple of grumpy old men, but hey, who doesn't like that show?
39. Rusty Imagirl - She's the Bridesmaid of just about every driver in the series. Is rumored to be getting dirty with DDD with seatcovers and crowbars.
67. Dirty Dangerous Dude - V8 Supercar's answer to Takuma Sato, he'll takeout anyone and give'em a large repair bill while notable getting away without a scratch. He totally raped Redneck Kelly and was suspended for a race for it, but he then came again and knocked Satan's block off. Promised to give Jim Carrey one soon. If he can't pass you, he'll either ram you or run over you (as one unfortuante driver found out the hard way.)
Rod Bashing Raching (Holden) Rod Bash and Tony Longhurst tried to run a team, but since they lacked the funds, they do what any great team would do, get a paydriver and be sponsered by an alcahol company. Brilliant!
55. Anthony D'Albert - An Italian paydriver that actually has talent, it's a pity he can't qualify for crap.
62. Steven Owe - Owes a lot of money after Autobarn sued him, now he's paying it off by driving for them. Scares people off with his different coloured eyes.
Team Fukafone (Ford) The best Ford team due to the fact they have coperations everywhere, heck they even had Lewis Hamilton race for them. They're that global and rich, they don't need Ford's stinking money, although they do need to win a chmapionship otherwise they're all going to be killed.
88. Jamie Twincup - Should really watch where she's driving, dinted poor Toodlers car overseas a while back. Also another choker, he can't win without Lowndes' help.
888. Kirmit - Married to Miss Piggy, fingers smell of bbq'd pork and Bartercard girls. 'Mr Fake' smiles up the millions with no championship wins since moving to Ford.
Paul Crackpot Racing (Ford) A decent team thanks to the imported drivers they get. Ranging from the nephew of David Coulturd and the brother of Ishmeal Davidson. Where do they get them? WHo knows?
111. Fabian Coulturd - Nephew of David Coulturd and is far less talented then his Famous F1 uncle. Yet somehow seems to be the more successful one as Mark Webber owns up his uncle and somehow they found a pot of gold to make their crapbox go faster.
The Ford Paydrivers Assoiation Racing Team (Ford) The Ford Youth Team, wait, if that's the case, then Ford is totally screwed, but hey, at least they'll be pocketing in the riches from these crappy drivers!
777. Chist Patrizi - Named after Jesus, not much can be said about this Pay Driver...yet, aside from the fact that his sponsers hate him so much, they do the Zidane on him.
Team Black Racing Another team that failed to make it to the grid after so much promise. At least they find a way to make constant income by doing other things. Do remember, they were race drivers before being known as "That Prick on 7" and "That cunt who can't sing."
29. Grant Denyer - Dangerous when exhausted, will have sex with a Black man His smile rivals that of Satan and looking at it will cause blindness. Now that he has won a race, he's getting his grove back on, it's too bad he broke his back while driving a monster truck, (or rather, a Hilux.)
69. Shannon Noll - Driving his big black shiny car, often ends disputes with a boxing match. (Much like Pual Morris, except he loses his matches.
[edit] Calender
There are 14 rounds in the season. Every part of Australia is covered except the ACT, Which John Howard complained about because he couldn't hold his meetings as everyone was too interested in seeing a whale win a race. Instead, we go to a desert island, it would've been cheaper to race in the middle of Australia, but Mr Cocharine wanted global appeal, so yeah. We used to go to China, but that was before the crappy track conditions nearly killed all the Kiwi drivers.
An interesting thing to note is that every track is somehow involved to F1. Who ever said that the V8's weren't ripping off the FIA?
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[edit] The day that Mel Gibson got completely rooted by a stray 'roo
One of the most memorable moments in Bathurst history was the 1978 race, when the supercharged Betty Ford Clinic Ford Falcon XB Hardtop Interceptor piloted by local heroes "Mad" Max Rockatansky and Mel Gibson was knocked out of contention after the young Gibson hit a track-record 27 kangaroos on Conrod Straight on lap 52. Gibson and Rockatansky were two laps in front of second-placed Peter Brock Barney Banana Holden Torana at the time.
The marsupial femur that penetrated the two-door Falcon's radiator at a closing speed of 314km/h was like a knife through the heart of Gibson's and Rockatansky's dreams of victory and unspeakable debauchery with a bevy of lycra-clad grid girls. The event was later fictionalised in the movie Mad Max, which starred Gibson as Max Rockatansky and Jack Thompson as Gibson. Mad Max 2 later told the story of their attempt the following year at the Cannonball Run from Adelaide to Darwin, while Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome was a documentary about Tina Turner's recording of the V8 Supercars theme song Simply the Best at the Bob Jane T-Marts Thunderdome at Calder Park, north of Melbourne.
[edit] The V8 Supercar's place in Australian culture
Since Australia has no tribal or ethnic rivalries, apart from the Serbs, Croats, Italians, Greeks, Turks and Armenians getting stuck into each other at the soccer, the Lebanese and the rednecks getting stuck into each other on the beach, and the Vietnamese getting stuck into it at the nightclubs with anyone who fancies a bit, the country had to manufacture one.
After all, Australians love a bit of a stink, and if your best mate follows the same footy team as you, has the same sexual orientation as you, always buys his round and isn't rooting your missus, there's no real reason to give him a punch in the gob. Luckily, with V8 Supercars, there's a 50 per cent chance that he bats for the other team (or so to speak), so you can feel perfectly justified in giving him a smack in the chops on the first weekend of October.
In the artsy-fartsy arena, V8 Supercars have also proved a durable hit. The original V8 Supercars movie (which Sony Pictures released in foreign markets as TOCA Race Car Driver) starred Russell Crowe as a young Mel Gibson, while the ageing Mel Gibson reprised his role as "Mad" Max Rockatansky and Kylie Minogue and Germaine Greer made cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. In Australia, the film made more money than E.T., Raiders of the Lost Ark and Crocodile Dundee put together.
V8 Supercars 2 (aka TOCA Race Car Driver 2) starred a young Hugh Jackman as Russell Crowe and an ageing Russell Crowe as Mel Gibson, while Guy Sebastian played Tina Turner and Dannii Minogue and Alexander Downer made cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. It made more than A.I., Tomb Raider and Crocodile Dundee 2 put together.
V8 Supercars 3 (aka TOCA Race Car Driver 3) starred a feeble Peter Allen as a young Hugh Jackman, an ageing Mel Gibson as a young Russell Crowe and a doddery Tina Turner as a young Guy Sebastian, while Nicole Kidman and Clive James made cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. The film made more than MIB, MIIB, Halo 2 and put together. Who says Australian cinema is formulaic and predictable?
V8 Supercars 4 (aka TOCA Race Car Driver 3 2.0) is rumoured to star Ernie Dingo as an aging Pauline Hanson, an aging Mel Gibson as an aging Hugh Jackman playing a young Russel Crowe while Edna Everage and Hugo weaving will make cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. The film will be more than Rocky Balboa, Crocodile Dundee , Crocodile Dundee 2 and Crocodile Dundee 3 all multiplied together. See, we used a different formula.
[edit] Further reading
| Title | Author / publisher |
| Brock, Stock, and One Smoking Two-Barrel Carbie | Peter Brock |
| How I Had Sex With Every Woman, Apart From My Fake Wife | Peter Brock |
| No, Honestly, I'm Not Bonkers - Putting that Crystal in the Engine Really Does Make Your Car Go Faster (I Just Don't Have the $750,000 for Scientific Validation) | Peter Brock |
| We're Not Making That Stupid Peter Brock Crystal Car Anymore (1996 press release) | Holden Australia |
| How to throw everything away by going to a crap team | Craig Lowndes |
| Getting it done on your back | Brad Jones |
| I Should Have Stuck to Motorbikes | Wayne Gardner |
| Cenovis Vitamins Pty Ltd Annual Report 1996 | Alan Moffat |
| Zen and the Art of debarking trees at 100kph | Dick Johnson |
| How to piss off your brother, teammate and your rival by being an arrogent prick and crashing into them | Rick Kelly |
| Its Offcial...I suck | Mark Skaife |
| Getting dirty on the racetrack | Dirty Dangerous Dude |
[edit] External links
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