V8 Supercar

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“Who's been a bad boy?”

~ Russell Ingall on Paul Morris

“You call this a shag carpet?”

~ Russell Ingall on Crapbox Commodore's Carpet

“Oh boy, he's really going to get it now!”

~ Paul Morris on James Courtney after he backended Morris

“Who cares about the Championship? I've just won Bathurst!”

~ Greg Murphy on The Championship

“Now it's time to see the big cunts, err...guns”

~ Neil Crompton on V8 Supercar Drivers

“That cunt stole my line!”

~ Paul Morris on Neil Crompton

“Yep, I can drive too! I ever won a race!”

~ Grant Denyer on Being more annoying the Eddie Macguire

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about V8 Supercar.

You beauty: John Cleland scores a 9.21 for FORD, for this "double pike and twist"! That is better then Jason Richards' roll over at Ipswitch

Australians love two things: drinking and driving. No Australian can think of a better way to spend a long weekend than having a few drinks, driving 500 kilometres to a racetrack somewhere out in the bush, drinking a skinful of beer, watching some other blokes driving around for a bit, having a few more stubbies (if the first slab's starting to wear off), trying to create the biggest groundpizza of the day or seeing if they can projectile vomit onto the track (extra points awarded for hitting a car or double points for getting it through the side window of the car) and then driving 500 miles back home.

This is where V8 Supercars racing comes in - alcohol fumes meet petrol fumes in a dead-set, true-blue, green-and-gold, no-beg-pardons, if-you-don't-mind-umpire stoush between Ford and Holden.

All Australians are required to pick a side, though most find that their parents picked one for them at birth, long before they were christened and about the same time as they were put on the waiting list for membership of the Melbourne Cricket Club. Holden fans waggishly suggest that Ford stands for "Found on Rubbish Dumps", "Fixed or Repaired Daily", "Fucked on Race Day" and when reversed, it can stand for "Driver Returns on Foot", while Ford fans waggishly assert that Holden stands for "Holes, Oil Leaks, Dents and Engine Noise", "Hold On, Low Down Engine Noise" and "Hope Our Luck Doesn't End Now". They both had to collectively pitch in to ban the Skyline GT-R's in the early 90's because Holden and Ford knew they would never beat one on the track with such crap cars.

The beauty of V8 Supercars is that anyone can win, even the crappy pay driver that Ford hired, which gives less appeal to those overseas as they rather see a dominant set of teams rather then this free for all garbage. But one thing those series would want is the fact that passing happens often. Often you see guys start at the back of the grid to win, this means that either the driver is very good, or his competition sucks.

[edit] Kings of the Mountain

None of that bloody Japanese rubbish, thanks.

The highlight of the V8 season is always the James Hardie Asbestos 1000 at the sacred Viking burial mound of Mount Panorama, near Bathurst. An average of 724,000 spectators turn up to have a drink, so technically the cars can run on the alcohol exhaled by the crowd, but few teams like to do this as the lumps of carrot in the vomit can cause fuel-line blockages.

In the time-honoured Australian tradition, the wallopers are chased off and their vans turned over and set on fire, and with a bit of luck a kangaroo will get onto the track and get skittled by a Commodore.

Bathurst weekend is without a doubt the most important date on the Australian sporting calendar (AFL Grand Final, Melbourne Cup, Australian Open tennis, Formula One Grand Prix, Boxing Day Test, Tri-nations rugby, Anzac Day two-up and Joe Bugner comeback fight notwithstanding). It is also the one event that enables foreign visitors to see contemporary Australian culture at its most nude.

Sadly, in 1992, the joyous occasion turned to tragedy on "Sunday, Bloody Rotten Friggin' Bastard Sunday", when the trophy went overseas for the first time, having been won by the Godzilla Racing Team's Nissan Skyline GT-R. But only because it was raining, they had a turbo and a reliable car and the bastards had four-wheel-drive. Now let's never speak of it again.

[edit] Making it fun

That's more like it.

To keep things interesting, V8 Supercars spectators make a point of participating in the race proper by placing obstacles such as cardboard boxes and kangaroos on the track. It is then up to the drivers to take the punt on whether the boxes are empty and they can plough through them Jackie Chan-style (pictured right), or whether that innocuous-looking pile of cardboard is actually there to conceal the engine block out of Dad's clapped-out old Cortina.

Other animals and objects commonly placed on the track for a bit of a laugh include wombats (those little bastards can knock your sump cover right up into your crankshaft), emus, ball bearings, beer kegs and refrigerators.

Most V8 Supercars drivers have their driver's-side window covered in chicken wire to keep the beer bottles out. In recent years, advances in digital camera technology have enabled drivers to make a note of who's been throwing stuff at them, so that when they've finished necking the Moet on the podium they can fling the empty bottle at the bastard. Most Bathurst holiday packages include insurance that covers driver-inflicted magnum trauma.

Occasionally a rock will be thrown out onto the track mid race. This is referred to as the mid race chicane and is designed to test the driver skill. One year Dick Johnson was caught out by this and his Ford was not up to the beating endured and subsequently retired. This resulted in a manipulation of the Australian public by breaking down in tears on national television and guilting the public into giving him money to build a stronger car to contest the James Hardie Asbestos 1000 the next year.

[edit] Current Teams and Drivers

The current 2008 line-up is as follows:

Really Shit Holden Team (Holden)

1. Garth Tender - A 10 foot pole who married a gridgirl that drives better then he does.

2. Marcus Strife - A former Champion that couldn't finish a race to save his career.

Tasmanian Motorsport (Holden)

3. Jase "Not Jimbo's Son" Retard - Some Kiwi that came out of nowhere

51. Geg Murph - Is living off the glory of "that lap." needs to grow up.

Stoned Brothers Racing (Ford)

4. Jim Carrey - Fresh from the States, he's willing to do anything for TV Time. He got kicked out of Dancing with the Stars for shitty dancing. It just proves driving doesn't improve your ablity to dance.

9. Shame Van Gisbon - The Dutchman has been kicked out of New Zealand and now owes the Aussies some money after murdering his old team.

Ford Pissweak Racing (Ford)

5. Mark Frozenass - Some sore loser that just can't find his "zone"

6. Stevie "Son of a" Retard - This guy doesn't know if he's Red or Blue

Larry Perky Craddles (Holden)

7. Redneck "Toddler" Kelly - The infint brother of Bucktooth, Can beat "pRick" Kelly on Bikes. Joined the team when they realiazed that they can't win with infants.

11. Shane Cheap - A young infant that Larry Perky had to pick to run his team

500. Jack "The Hack" Perky - Is only a tenth the age of his famous father, but has a thousandth of his talent

Midgets Motorsport (Ford)

8. Samba Midget - A small Brazilian who loves to samba, not much can be said about his driving skills

10. Jason Bagwanka - A midget that won Bathurst with a 10 foot pole

Back Out Car Racing (Holden)

12. Andy "On His Back" Jones - This guy is accused of flipping his Uncle many times.

14. Cam McConman - A dirty conman, reported to have stolen points off the top runners, he can out run anyone, pity it isn't about running

Tool HSV Cheater Team (Holden)

15. Bucktooth "pRick" Kelly - A yokel that won after crashing into his main rivals, know for his catchphrase "If you can't beat 'em ... punt 'em off". Speculation is rife as to whether his balls will drop before he actually wins a race or vice versa.

16. Paul Dumbass - Takes out his way better teammates, because he doesn't want them to outscore him.

Moby Dick Racing (Ford)

17. Stevie J Dick - Is a son of a Dick and weighs just as much as the famous whale, it's said that his father thereats him with Japanese Pay Drivers to harpoon him is where he gets his speed

18. Ishmeal Davison - Was renamed Ishmeal because he didn't fit in Moby Dick's plans

Poor Wanker's Racing (Holden)

43. Poor Wanker - The team owner that was so crap at driving, he removed himself to give others a better chance.

50. Thomson Thompson- A bumbling decetive that used to probe other teams.

Team Sheep Racing - (Ford/Holden)

021.- No actual driver takes this spot as Kiwi paydrivers are constantly rotated. Hey, they're better then Aussie paydrivers at least (Which isn't saying much)

WTF? Racing - Holden

24. Garth Walnut - The only Sydneysider out there to prove that Sydney isn't just thugby league town. Has failed to even make the grid.

Jason Dim Racing (Ford)

25. Jason Dim - An unintelligent frontrunner who gave it all away just to be in a total shitbox of a car, being overlapped by the people he passed before. Seems to crash out more then finish...

26. Farkus Farceshall - A pay driver that is expected to pay up the damage bill every time Dim crashes into something.

Jolly Roger Motorship (Holden)

33. Mr Holdsworth - a no name servent whose job is to give points to fellow Holden drivers by making pretend accidents

34. Michele Caruso - An Italian paydriver that somehow won the Tubby Taylor Series last year..

37. Dean Cunta - A bully, thrashes young little drivers in the Tubby Taylor Series, yet he can't race for crap in the main game.

DDD Racing - (Holden)

39. Rusty Imagirl - She's the Bridesmaid of just about every driver in the series. Is rumored to be getting dirty with DDD with seatcovers and crowbars.

67. Dirty Dangerous Dude - V8 Supercar's answer to Takuma Sato, he'll takeout anyone and give'em a large repair bill while notable getting away without a scratch. He totally raped Redneck Kelly and was suspended for a race for it, but he then came again and knocked Satan's block off. Promised to give Jim Carrey one soon.

Rod Bashing Raching (Holden)

55. Anthony D'Albert - An Italian paydriver that actually has talent, it's a pity he can't qualify for crap.

62. Steven Owe - Owes a lot of money after Autobarn sued him, now he's paying it off by driving for them. Scares people off with his different coloured eyes.

Team Vodafone (Ford)

88. Jamie Whincup - Should really watch where he's driving, dinted poor Toodlers car overseas a while back.

888. Kirmit - Married to Miss Piggy, fingers smell of bbq'd pork and Bartercard girls. 'Mr Fake' smiles up the millions with no championship wins since moving to Ford

Paul Crackpot Racing (Ford)

111. Fabian Coulturd - Son of David Coulturd and is far less talented then his Famous F1 Father

The Ford Paydrivers Assoiation Racing Team (Ford)

777. Chist Patrizi - Named after Jesus, not much can be said about this Pay Driver...yet.

Team Black Racing

29. Grant Denyer - Dangerous when exhausted, will have sex with a Black man His smile rivals that of Satan and looking at it will cause blindness. Now that he has won a race, he's getting his grove back on.

69. Shannon Noll - Driving his big black shiny car, often ends disputes with a boxing match.

[edit] The day that Mel Gibson got completely rooted by a stray 'roo

A young Mel Gibson is forced out of the 1978 James Hardie Asbestos 1000 after hitting a track-record 27 kangaroos. Gibson is quoted as saying, "Damn kangaJews!"

One of the most memorable moments in Bathurst history was the 1978 race, when the supercharged Betty Ford Clinic Ford Falcon XB Hardtop Interceptor piloted by local heroes "Mad" Max Rockatansky and Mel Gibson was knocked out of contention after the young Gibson hit a track-record 27 kangaroos on Conrod Straight on lap 52. Gibson and Rockatansky were two laps in front of second-placed Peter Brock Barney Banana Holden Torana at the time.

The marsupial femur that penetrated the two-door Falcon's radiator at a closing speed of 314km/h was like a knife through the heart of Gibson's and Rockatansky's dreams of victory and unspeakable debauchery with a bevy of lycra-clad grid girls. The event was later fictionalised in the movie Mad Max, which starred Gibson as Max Rockatansky and Jack Thompson as Gibson. Mad Max 2 later told the story of their attempt the following year at the Cannonball Run from Adelaide to Darwin, while Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome was a documentary about Tina Turner's recording of the V8 Supercars theme song Simply the Best at the Bob Jane T-Marts Thunderdome at Calder Park, north of Melbourne.

[edit] The V8 Supercar's place in Australian culture

A promotional poster for the film V8 Supercars 3, which broke all Australian box-office records.

Since Australia has no tribal or ethnic rivalries, apart from the Serbs, Croats, Italians, Greeks, Turks and Armenians getting stuck into each other at the soccer, the Lebanese and the rednecks getting stuck into each other on the beach, and the Vietnamese getting stuck into it at the nightclubs with anyone who fancies a bit, the country had to manufacture one.

After all, Australians love a bit of a stink, and if your best mate follows the same footy team as you, has the same sexual orientation as you, always buys his round and isn't rooting your missus, there's no real reason to give him a punch in the gob. Luckily, with V8 Supercars, there's a 50 per cent chance that he bats for the other team (or so to speak), so you can feel perfectly justified in giving him a smack in the chops on the first weekend of October.

In the artsy-fartsy arena, V8 Supercars have also proved a durable hit. The original V8 Supercars movie (which Sony Pictures released in foreign markets as TOCA Race Car Driver) starred Russell Crowe as a young Mel Gibson, while the ageing Mel Gibson reprised his role as "Mad" Max Rockatansky and Kylie Minogue and Germaine Greer made cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. In Australia, the film made more money than E.T., Raiders of the Lost Ark and Crocodile Dundee put together.

V8 Supercars 2 (aka TOCA Race Car Driver 2) starred a young Hugh Jackman as Russell Crowe and an ageing Russell Crowe as Mel Gibson, while Guy Sebastian played Tina Turner and Dannii Minogue and Alexander Downer made cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. It made more than A.I., Tomb Raider and Crocodile Dundee 2 put together.

V8 Supercars 3 (aka TOCA Race Car Driver 3) starred a feeble Peter Allen as a young Hugh Jackman, an ageing Mel Gibson as a young Russell Crowe and a doddery Tina Turner as a young Guy Sebastian, while Nicole Kidman and Clive James made cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. The film made more than MIB, MIIB, Halo 2 and put together. Who says Australian cinema is formulaic and predictable?

V8 Supercars 4 (aka TOCA Race Car Driver 3 2.0) is rumoured to star Ernie Dingo as an aging Pauline Hanson, an aging Mel Gibson as an aging Hugh Jackman playing a young Russel Crowe while Edna Everage and Hugo weaving will make cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. The film will be more than Rocky Balboa, Crocodile Dundee , Crocodile Dundee 2 and Crocodile Dundee 3 all multiplied together. See, we used a different formula.

[edit] Further reading

[edit] External links

• Official bloody V8 Supercars site, mate
• Carlton & United Breweries