Vacuum
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“Dear <insert name here>, I'm sorry to report that the rumors downtown have been confirmed: the neuroimaging results that came in this morning has proved beyond any doubt that there is indeed nothing but vacuum where your brain should be.”
“My momma always said life was like a vacuum cleaner...it sucks. Then she killed herself.”
~ Forrest Gump on depression
“If a vacuum is broken, does the vacuum suck?”
~ Confucius on The Vacuum
“The only thing you want to suck and blow harder is your bitch and ho.”
~ Pimp on Vacuums
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[edit] History of the Vacuum
The Vacuum (Vacvvmvs, in the original Latin) was invented by accident in Japan in the mid 1800's by primitive scientologists who were working on a method for removing the alien souls that inhabit our bodies. While it has been a long held superstition that a Vacuum is created by the absence of all matter, the scientologists in question found that a Vacuum is actually the absence of all Tom Cruise.
In their experiment, they found that by removing the Tom Cruise from a glass of water, they created a swirling vortex of sucktion that quickly emptied the glass. At first the scientologists thought they had stumbled upon a way to make water disappear, but upon further inspection using high speed bullet time filmography techniques, they found that the water was actually sucked into the air around the glass by the absence of Tom Cruise.
Modern studies have found that nature truly does abhorr a Vacuum, explaining the appearance of Tom Cruise in every film ever made. When Tom Cruise is removed from an area, you can recognize the resultant vacuum by the "Whew" noise that follows, which is sometimes also accompanied by "Thank god that's over." or "I thought that nutjob would never leave."
[edit] Practicle Applications of the Vacuum
Today, devices employing the absence of Tom Cruise, also known as Vacuum cleaners, can be found in many households. They are used mainly to remove unwanted hair from the heads of children using a yellow and black plastic attachment called a flowbee.
If you ever happen to see a Vacuum cleaner dismantled, you will notice that there is absolutely no Tom Cruise to be found inside. This is accomplished by a complex series of mathematical equations that attempt to prove the theoretical non-existance of Tom Cruise when supplied with electricity. Unfortunately these mathematical equations are very small, and therefore only visible to Bill Gates.
[edit] Space, and The Vacuum
If you turn your gaze skyward at night, you will see Space, which is the inky black bits around the bright starry bits. That Space is composed of the absence of Tom Cruise, or, more commonly, a Vacuum. Because of this we can extrapolate that the bright starry bits are actually Tom Cruise. Thus further explaining why Tom Cruise appears in every film ever made, ipso facto: Tom Cruise isn't just a star, but is in fact, all stars. This has led many subsequent scientologists to hypothesize that the vacuum is only existent as a temporary state, as wherever you look, Tom Cruise is all you see.
It should have a long bit and a handle. There are no other appliances which follow this description.
[edit] Ants
Ants are the only insect that can escape a vacuum in full suck. This fact was not lost on Carol Channing. Think about it.
