Vampire Ninja
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“Hmm, kinky and fast...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Vampire Ninja
“MADNESS!!!”
~ Zim on the state of humanity/ Vampire Ninja
“ Why the hell hasn't anyone thought of this yet?!”
~ The creator of this page on Vampire Ninja
Yes, they DO exist. So there.
Contents |
[edit] Origin Of The Vampire Ninja
You may well wonder how on earth a Vampire Ninja could exist, what with the fact that vampires don't tend to prey on ninjas as they're just too damn stealthy.
Well, in normal circumstances, such a hybrid would indeed be impossible. However, thanks to the wonders of good old Genetic Testing At The Hands Of Crazed Scientists&trade (responsible for such wonders as Frankenstein and possibly Ninja Pirates), these PMS-crazed ultimate stealth wonders are available for all to witness...then be subsequently butchered.
[edit] Anyway, on to the Actual Story...
The history of the Vampire Ninja begins with a certain character (quite literally) named Hojo, a Jenova's Witness who was a High Priest of the Church Of Latter Day Summons (Order of the One-Winged Angel).
Hojo was doing his daily rounds of genetic mindfuckery, when he suddenly decided to create a being that combined the effortless style and l33t stealth of the vampire with the effortless style and l33t stealth of the ninja (what can I say, the guy was bat-fuck insane).
After many rounds of absinthe and Anne Rice novels, Vincent Valentine, the first Vampire Ninja, was born (read: expurged from a test tube).
(There is speculation that a goat was also involved in the process. This claim is so far unfounded, and to be honest, if it is true, we don't want to know.)
However, on creating Vincent, it was discovered that the sheer amount of ninja rage combined with vampiric bloodlust made for horrific PMS, which both male and female Vampire Ninjas suffer to this day. Unable to deal with Vincent's destructive mood swings, Hojo locked him in a coffin for a few thousand years.
But Vincent had plans of his own. You see, his coffin actually became his secret lair, in which he developed the second generation of Vampire Ninja. Examples of these can be seen in the Blade movies.
After that, Vincent's creations buggered off and bred, creating the elusive race seen today.
[edit] Modern-Day Vampire Ninja
[edit] Appearance
Nowadays Vampire Ninja are characterized by their all-black clothing, which is fancier than that of a ninja, but not so fancy that it interrupts their ability to disembowel. This clothing is often skintight, with lots of pretty lace and damask patterns. All Vampire Ninja have inherent powers of seduction. They also have immaculate hair and makeup (yes, even the guys; it is often rumoured that the average male Vampire Ninja's beguiling femininity and expertly-applied kohl has the power to turn on even the most heterosexual man).
[edit] Characteristics
- Insane, constant PMS.
Vampire Ninja are born from ninja rage and vampiric bloodlust as mentioned. They are best satiated (briefly) with a nice cup of tea and some chocolate. The actual period only happens once a month (thank God), and occurs much like a ninja kill: short and extremely bloody. Vampire Ninjas must drink far more blood than the average vampire simply to prepare them for the blood loss endured at this time. Deny a Vampire Ninja chocolate or tea, and you're a dead man/woman/[insert other].
- Abilities
Vampire Ninjas have all the powers of a Vampire, which include:
- Blood-drinking (duh); In extreme situations, the Vampire Ninja can remove their fangs and use them as kunai
- Levitation
- Shapeshifting (this can extend to animals or simply melting into shadows. Either way it's pretty badass)
- Becoming invisible (Very good for uber-stealth)
- Mind-reading
- Telekinesis
- Telepathy
- Crawling up walls (this is also a ninja skill, so they're really rather good at it)
- Maintaining perfectly-coiffed hair even after 1000+ kills
They can also perform all ninja skills such as:
- Having amazingly quick reflexes
- Gravity-defying kicks
- Sneaking about very, very quietly
- Silent, efficient kills
- General silence: they have funny Japanese/Transylvanian accents so they don't talk much because they get embarrassed. Bless.
- Swearing fluently in Japanese
- They can even do things you didn't know Ninja could do!
[edit] Weapons
Vampire Ninja have a magnificent array of weapons at their disposal, possibly even more than the Spanish Inquisition.
Not only are they experts at every ninja weapon ever conceived from birth (including katana, shuriken, kunai, grappling hooks, etc.), they also employ small Ninja Bats to aid them in their work.
The Ninja Bats are extremely vicious and bloodthirsty. They tend to go for the jugular, which has led many to believe that they are not bats at all; rather, they are a batlike subgenus of the Beast Of Caerbannog, a.k.a. The Rabbit With Big Pointy Teef.
[edit] Enemies of the Vampire Ninja
Well, to be honest, just about everyone who stands in their way.
However, they can be really quite sociable if offered a cuppa, and are very pleasant on a day-to-day, non-killing basis. So, nobody really hates them, as they're really nice people.
Or, it could be that voicing dislike at a Vampire Ninja inevitably leads to a certain, bloody death. In more ways than one.
[edit] What to do if being attacked by a Vampire Ninja
Well, they're immune to garlic, crucifixes, holy water, noodles, knives and guns...in fact, they're immortal.
So offer him/her/it a nice cuppa or a choccie biccie. They're probably just riled by their raging hormones anyway; Vampire Ninja attacks are rarely personal
It's good to be civil!
