Vampire
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“New World of Mortals (W.O.M.) clanbooks and novels released! Get advanced guides and tips on how to roleplay as human.”
~ The vampire branch of White Wolf on how to capitalise from virtually any specie
“Vampires are comedians..can you believe they politey asked if they could suck my blood?”
~ Will Smith on I Am Legend
“They suck, they swallow...what's not to love?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Vampires
“AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH”
~ Zombies on Vampires
Vampires, or cissies as they prefer to call themselves, are pasty faced individuals who drink blood. Despite mostly dwelling in "various damp places under the stove" they may also be found to congregate in scary old castles while sucking blood as a group.
The most noted vampire in history is Dracula, who in 1983 used amazing magical powers to enslave the world.
In recent times, vampires have become a more steady and economic race, content to buying and selling Korean children, and running major fast food restaurants such as Subway and Microsoft.
Of the origin of vampires, much is speculated, and little is known. Common theory is that vampires were once a peaceful group of Demonss, content on eating human flesh, swedish fish, and marshmallow peeps. When Egypt enslaved the vampires in 1240 BC (bunnies and cats), they turned into a fearsome group of terrible undead monsters of doom.
A little known fact is that doctors are a subspecies of vampire, hence their affinity for blood. Unlike traditional vampires, doctors are not repelled by garlic, but can instead be kept away with an apple a day.
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[edit] Vampires
- Dracula or Vlad the Impaler or Alucard or The Count or Count Chocula
Also check an semi-vampire (zombie without nose) made by Macaulay Culkin (aka Kevin McCallister) which has bitten the rock-pop-mega-super-giga-extra star Michael Jackson dick and which failed to turn full vampire.
- Alucard
- Marilyn Manson
- Lestat
- Lord Byron
- Lord Ruthven (Lord Byron's sire.)
- Cricket
- Michael Angelo Batio
- Michael Ignatieff
- Gerald Ford
- Jared Leto
- Amy Lee
- Godzilla
- Michael Howard
- Vincent Valentine
- Gerard Way
- Peter Murphy
- Peter Griffin
- Dio Brando
- Steve Buscemi
- Hilde Kibsgaard
- Dita Von Teese
- User:Ubergrue
- Snoop Dog
- Bob Dole
- Michael Jackson
- Paris Hilton
- Kevin Rudd
- Deanna Sorensen
- Count Chocula
- Blacula
- Mica Paulicheck
- Gackt
- Ville Valo
[edit] Vampire Food
Emos - Taste good, but are not eaten because they are already been cut in many places, but are good diet food. May leave the eater feeling low in self-esteem.
Popular Kids - Taste very good, but males are normally eaten because they have less drugs in their veins.
Rich Guys - Taste delicious but are hard to find.
Crackas - Apparently they taste like fried chicken.
Virgins - Vampire's favorite food, most vampires will only eat you if you are still a virgin. Another reason to lose your virginity.
Gays - When mixed with lemons and beer make a good party drink.
Persians- taste like chicken, especially Hajir. Vampires said Hajir's mom did not taste good at all. Although they said his dad did taste good. Now they just want to eat Hajir.
Teachers - They are... Wait, why are these here? Some teachers taste like chalk dust and math. The rest taste like English, history, and science... I know I've tried!!!!
Tea - This is simply a must for all vampires.
Souls - When terribly desperate they eat souls
Chocolate - Some vampires in the shade of shit will Make/eat there own chocolate cereal
Other vampires - What the fuck right? But nothing gets the blood pumping like some 'Ass de vampire" - YUM!
Hippies - Typically not eaten, just used for the drug-soaked blood, if said vampire desires an acid trip or just getting stoned.
[edit] Vampires and Goths
Many goths like pretending to be vampires, but the two species can be easily told apart. Vampires have an irresistible seductive manner - the only thing that will sleep with a goth while sober is an uglier goth. Vampires have spawned an entire genre of literature devoted to stories about them - goths have Edgar Allen Poe. Vampires drink blood - goths drink snakebite and black (usually only a pint or two, then they pass out). Vampires are interesting - goths are predictable. Also, no vampire has ever been heard to drone on ad nauseum about how hir parents have caused hir a lifetime of suffering and how the only person who understands hir in the whole world is Gerard Way. They usually complain about how hir life sucked and then they were bitten and it sucked even more being immortal. This is shown in Anne Rice's "Interview with the Vampire", which is based on a true story.
The most important difference and probably the easiest to spot is that vampires will be destroyed by the sun within seconds- or sparkle.Vampires sparkle, dammit. Goths are humans and have no such weakness. Anytime you see someone claiming to be a vampire in Hot Topic around 2 P.M., you know you have a goth- UNLESS THEY SPARKLE - Edward!!!! You can put a stake in them just to be sure, and even if they turn out to be a goth... Who cares? One less goth to worry about! Also, vampire's are undead and can't be harmed easily. Goths will usually go down with one punch or will alternatively slit themselves into a premature demise anyway.
[edit] Eradication
Fortunately though, the vampires were massacred by our lord and savior Jesus Christ. With his awesome lazer abilities, Jesus managed to crush the vampire armies in the First World War. Human Rights Activists like the JewForce attempted to quell the mighty Jesus after he had killed too many vampires. The Justice League demanded reparations from God & Son. Jesus was eventually sentenced to 5,000 years of community service, but everyone knows volunteering doesn't pay. God & Son was soon sued by McDonald's for killing Count Chocula. God & Son agreed to finance TV ads for McDonald's.
[edit] Origin
Judging by nuclear introns and mitochondrial satellites, scientists believe that vampires split off the human lineage something less than 90 thousand years ago, and persisted (albeit in small numbers) into the beginning of historical times. Their genesis has been traced to a paracentric inversion mutation on the Xq21.3 block on the X-chromosome, resulting in functional changes to genes that code for protocadherins. PCDH-Y is a protocadherin, and as mentioned they play a critical role in brain and central nervous system development. They occur in the headwaters of CNS development, as it were, and a relatively small change far upstream can lead to a whole variety of interrelated cascade effects.
A headwater mutation had such a huge impact on so many aspects of CNS development that suddenly there was far more variation for natural selection to work on, and so vampires arose relatively quickly.
Despite common misconception, natural selection does not optimize anything. It's actually something along the lines of "survival of the least inadequate." It doesn't matter if a given adaptation is the best possible solution. All that matters is rather it works better than the competition. Overall vampires did work better than the competition. But that doesn't mean they didn't have a few design flaws. The biggest were the broken pathway which forced them to eat other hominids and the defect referred to as the so-called crucifix glitch. It is this glitch that doomed them from the moment humans developed Euclidean architecture. Vampires would have been barred from approaching any human dwellings that featured quartered windows, supporting crossbeams, and so on. And this weakness was likely discovered by the people of early civilization rather soon. The cross is not an exclusively Christian icon: it has been used as a religious symbol back into prehistoric times, and vampires were apparently the reason.
The crucifix glitch, such a lethal trait remained in the vampire population and was not weeded out by natural selection very soon because the trait wasn't lethal at first. An aversion to crosses is not a disadvantage in a world where crosses don't exist and there aren't many right angles in nature. Neutrally selective traits can become fixed in small populations through a simple process called "genetic drift". In this case the trait wasn't even neutral: the same crosswiring responsible for the crucifix glitch was also involved in vampiric pattern-matching skills, and that was a trait that natural selection would have actively promoted - right up until the point that their human prey discovered geometry and Euclidean architecture.
The crucifix glitch spelled the end of the vampire lineage. Suddenly denied access to its prey-the entire subspecies went extinct shortly after the dawn of recorded history. Although they obviously persisted long enough to embed themselves in our cultural mythology.
[edit] Vampires In The Modern World
Vampires have become much rarer in recent years, due partly to habitat destruction and climate change, and of course the crucifix glitch has a large impact on their population. The following interview comes from Field and Stream, in which a vampire describes the difficulties he faces every day:
"I haff been un professional vampire for more than three centuries, and I haff seen many changes. Life ist not so gute for the vampire anymore. Just this morning I had to go to der supermarket. Vot vould der vampire need to go to der supermaket for, I hear you ask! Vhy, do you think mein cat ist der vampire also? Nein, Tiddles ist just der normal pussycat, und I need to buy catfood and milk and kitty litter. So off to Tesco I go - I haff to use der bus. In der old days, I could just change into der fleidermaus, but nowadays ze skies, zey are so crowded! Zey ist full of der luftcraft and I vould be splattered livink vhere I do in der flightpath of Heathrow. I cannot even get der driving permit, vot vould zey say in der driving school vhen zey look at mein provisional licence und see zat I vos born in 1678? Zey vould say, hang on, zis guy ist der vampire! Stake him! So by bus I must travel, and the bloody price! I cannot get der OAP discount card for der same reason as I cannot get der driving licence. It costs me £2.50 just to get to bloody Tesco! It ist disgusting vhen von hass been paying der taxes for three hundred jahre! And zen, vhen I get to der supermarket, I cannot even enter becoss just as I do not show up in der mirror, I do not show to der infra-red camera thingy vot opens der automatic door. I haff to vait until someone else goes in und zen sneak in behind dem! Und vot do I see, right by the doors as I go in? The vegetable section...vith rows und rows und shelves und shelves full of garlic! Der garlic brings me out in hives und I sneeze everyvhere! Zen der mirrors everyvhere on der valls - people notice dat I haff no reflection and zey know I ist der vampire, so they start throwing der garlic at me! It ist embarrassing for a senior citizen such as myself!"
The interview unfortunately ends at this point, the journalist noting that the vampire went on to complain about the price of fish, the lack of respect shown to the elderly by children, how there is no good music on der vireless and how he had fought in the war and now got treated like this. Then he fell asleep.
Nowadays due to the threat of AIDS and other blood transmitted diseases, vampires have become a declining race. The ones that survived had to take up a new way of life in order to ensure their survival. They took up a ritual of drinking their own blood. They also lost the fangs in favor of sharp cutting implements. These modern day vampires are more commonly known as emos. That means every time you slay a vampire, you rid the world of an emo.
[edit] Alternative Names and Spellings
Vampires usually refer to themselves by their given names - common vampire names include Clarence, Timothy, Ethel and Jennifer. A vampire calling itself Boris, Vlad, Spike or Bela is almost certainly a goth and should be killed immediately - there's no need to carry this out with a sharpened stake to the heart, goths can be easily killed in any conventional manner, although if you wait long enough it'll probably either kill itself or grow up and stop being so bloody annoying and whiny.
However, in an attempt to appear more spooky, humans who like vampires have invented several different names for them. These include the following:
- Mosquito
- Leech
- Nosferatu
- Kindred
- Of The Blood
- Obour
- Opyr
- Upier
- Tory
- Michael Howard
- Cadaever Sanguisugus
- Hemophage
- Homonus Nocturnai
- Vampyr
- Vampyre
- Wamphyr
- Wanker
- Stephen Rea (That fucker doesn't age!)
- Brandon Ellis Roberts
- Steve
- George Bush
- Lawyer
- Your Mother
[edit] Vampire Music
Another way that vampires and goths can be distinguished from one another is by the music they listen to. Goths generally like stuff such as the following acts:
- The Cure
- Marilyn Manson
- Bauhaus
- Lacrimosa
- Corpus Delicti
- London After Midnight
- Thirteen Candles
- Screwing your mom, your sister, your dad, your dog, and even you. At the same time.
Proper vampires though, partly as a result of only being able to come out at night, prefer slightly less gloomy music. At the time of writing, the Top Ten in the Vampire Chart was as follows:
- Oops, I Did Again (Billie Piper)
- Dancing Queen (Abba)
- C'est la vie (Bewitched)
- I Think We're Alone Now (Tiffany)
- Grandpa We Love You (St. Winifred's Amateur Live Action Hentai Choir)
- Nessun Dorma (Luciano Pavarotti)
- Backstreet's Back (Take That)
- My Sweet Lord (George Harrison)
- I'm Too Sexy (Right Said Fred)
- When Will I Be Famous (Bros)
- Note: Natasha Bedingfield has held the Number One slot in the Vampire Album Chart since 1398.
[edit] Physiology
Vampires (Homo sapiens homovorus or Haemo sapiens) are an extinct anthropophagous subspecies of Homo sapiens. Since their extinction, they have been embedded in the mythology and folklore of various cultures. In folklore, they acquired numerous supernatural characteristics, the most common is that they were re-animated corpses of human beings. In modern times, vampires are the frequent subject of cinema and fiction. Their taxonomic name, Homo sapiens homovorus, is Latin for "human eating wise man."
[edit] Overview
The difference in external diagnostic features between humans and vampires were actually pretty subtle, both because vampires never lasted long enough to diverge greatly from the human baseline, and also because natural selection is going to promote superficial similarity. However, while virtually identical to modern humans in terms of gross physical morphology, vampires were radically divergent from humans on the biochemical, neurological, and soft-tissue levels. This limited significant physical changes to soft tissue and microstructures that do not fossilise. This is one of the reasons why it's so difficult to identify these creatures in the fossil record-the other reason being that they sat at the very apex of the food pyramid, which means that they were quite rare even at peak numbers.
[edit] Appearance
More gracile than Homo sapiens sapiens, gross physical divergence from baseline humans included a slight but distinct extension of the mandible, and of course of the slight elongation of canines, the classic "fangs" of the predatory grip-and-tear feeding mode (although this wasn't quite as pronounced as the popular mythology would have us believe). Vampires also tended to be taller and longer-limbed than humans. All of this was in service of an increasingly predatory lifestyle.
Vampire skin possessed a ghastly white pallor. This discoloration however, was not the result of anemia; in fact their blood volume was actually seven percent higher than that of humans. Instead their blood volume was redistributed away from the peripheral tissues and sequestered deep in the core.
[edit] Soft-tissue
They had capillary beds formed in the body core. All humans have these, the digestive system is highly vascularised to facilitate nutrient transport from the intestine into the bloodstream, but the capillary meshes in a vampire's core were far more extensive than anything seen in humans.
Tissue levels of adenosine triphosphate were elevated; ATP is the chemical battery that powers the cell, and this explains the abnormal strength and stamina that vampires displayed.
The gastrointestinal tract was foreshortened and secreted a distinct range of enzymes more suited to a carnivorous diet. Since cannibalism carries with it a high risk of prionic infection, the vampire immune system displayed great resistance to prion diseases, as well as to a variety of helminth and anasakid parasites.
[edit] Nervous system
The central nervous system is where the difference between vampires and humans really showed up. The corpus callosum was twenty percent larger in vampires than in humans. This enabled high-speed broadband communication between hemispheres. Interneuron/glial density, cortical folding and lamination were far above those in a human, particularly in the visual cortex. Their motor neuron nerve axons were almost twice as thick as conventional human nerve axons. This gave vampires faster signal transmission and faster reflexes than humans. A vampire could literally snatch a speck out of your eye before you had time to blink.
A vampires's amygdala and visual cortex - essentially, the pattern-matching wetware at the back of the head - were seven and thirteen percent larger than what is found in humans, respectively. Synaptic interconnections between the anterior cingulate gyrus and the rest of the brain were much lower than normal, almost as if the core of the brain were being isolated from the neocortex.
They also possessed some very unusual wiring in the retina. Human eyes contain whole arrays of specialized receptor cells; some fire only when they see light and shadow in conjunction, some fire only when they see horizontal lines-horizons and so on. In a vampire's case, the receptors that responded to horizontal lines were crosswired with those that responded to vertical ones. When both sets of receptors fired simultaneously in a very specific way - that is, when intersecting right angles occupied more than thirty degrees of visual arc-positive feedback generated a neuroelectrical overload in the visual cortex - the reaction could be quite dramatic. This what caused the famous adverse reaction to crosses, which consisted of violent convulsions which strongly resembled grand mal seizures. Scientists commonly call this reaction the "crucifix glitch".
Within the vampire eye there was an increased reflectivity of the retina, reminiscent of the tapetum lucidum found in the eyes of cats and other nocturnal predators. Vampires also had quadrochromatic vision; while we humans have only three types of cones in our eye vampires had four, the fourth being tuned to near-infrared.
[edit] Blood diet
The reason vampires did not resorted to non-human prey and evolved such radical adaptations to accommodate human meat into their diet is because they received something from humans that they couldn't from other species. What they received that is so essential to their diet is PCDH-Y, a protein responsible for certain aspects of central nervous system development. Vampires possessed a genetic defect that resulted in the inability to synthesize the protein. Since this protein occurs only in other hominids, human prey was an essential component of the vampire diet.
Technically vampires were closer to what might be called obligate cannibals, eating human flesh rather than simply drinking the blood. However, given that the only thing they really needed from humans was a certain type of protein, it's theoreticaly possible that a blood diet could meet that need, although they had to drink a large amount of blood. Perhaps this was a deliberate conservation strategy; drinking the blood leaves you with an anemic victim that can recover over time and serve as a future food source, while eating the flesh basically relegates your victim to single-serving status; and vampires could feed on other species to meet most of their dietary needs. They were much more intelligent than humans, intelligent enough to figure out the virtues of resource conservation.
Because of modifications to the digestive system, PCDH-Y was obviously not broken down in the stomach as with other proteins, but instead was absorbed with its full effects into the central nervous system. Those modifications probably also included anticoagulants that stopped blood from curdling in the stomach, thereby preventing any emetic effects of ingesting blood.
[edit] The Vampire Mind
Since vampire grey matter was "underconnected" compared to human norms due to a relative lack of interstitial white matter; this forced isolated cortical modules to become self-contained and hypereffective, leading to pattern-matching and analytical skills far in excess of the human norm. Vampires were omnisavants; their groove extended to pretty much every logical and pattern-matching dimension known to man, and more besides. They were insanely smart by human standards. Vampires had to be smarter than people, because they hunted people for a living. Lions are smarter than gazelles for pretty much the same reason.
By the same token, something else vampires had to be is clinically sociopathic. Among our own kind, a lack of conscience, of empathy for one's fellow human beings, is considered a pathology. Among vampires, though, sociopathy is an essential survival trait. If you felt empathy for your prey, you'd starve to death. Natural selection would have weeded "moral" vampires out of the gene pool relatively fast. On the biological level, the sociopathy was caused by the poor connection of the anterior cingulate gyrus, as its ventral area is related to emotional cognition.
[edit] The undead state
A major prey-related problem that vampires faced was the predator-prey ratio. In most every case where one species eats another, the prey species is at least an order of magnitude more numerous than the predator, and breeds faster. The reasons for this are obvious: the transfer of food energy between trophic levels is very inefficient. Cows have to eat ten kilograms of grass to make one kilogram of cow; it takes ten kilograms of cow to make one kilogram of human; and of course, it takes ten kilograms of human to make one kilogram of vampire. So at any given level, the level below you must out-produce you by at least ten to one, or you'll exterminate your own food supply.
Since the metabolic and reproductive rates of vampires were pretty much the same as humans, what they did was cut back on their activity levels. The bodies of vampires contained high concentrations of Leuenkephalin, an opioid peptide found in animals like bears and squirrels, and is involved in hibernation. Vampires conserved energy - and their food-supply - by extended periods of hibernation. Suspended animation is not uncommon even among higher animals like birds and mammals.
Vampires were able to shut themselves down for decades, dessicating down to this biologically dormant condition and entering what's commonly known as an "undead state." This worked in three ways: firstly, it drastically reduced their energetic needs, redressing the original imbalance between prey production and predator consumption. Secondly, it gave the prey population time to recover in the event that it had been severely hammered by predation, and let the vampires wait out food shortages. And thirdly, it's possible that these extended leaves-of-absence might have given humans time forget that they were prey. By the Pleistocene era, humans were intelligent enough to pass information from generation to generation, but were also intelligent enough for skepticism. Stories of "nightstalking demons" were likely taken as mere tales of fantasy by senile elders. Primitive cultures were likely to get careless after a few decades with no vampires on the horizon.
At any rate, scientists believe that this is where the blood-pooling strategy started; part of being "undead" involved sequestering blood around the vital organs and letting the peripheral tissues starve, much the way seals and whales triage their oxygen supply when cut off from the air. This likely proved so effective that over time, it became a normal state of affairs even among active vampires; the ghastly white pallor of vampires was actually a strategy for increasing their gas mileage. When lactate levels in the surface tissues got too high - or when vampires were feeding - blood was redirected to the skin and the complexion flushed.
[edit] Reproduction
As the classic mythology would have it, vampires reproduced by turning their victims into other vampires. Revisionists and horror writers have played around with the idea of vampirism as a kind of viral infection, an STD transmitted from saliva to blood. Biologically, of course, there are some problems with this idea: if you create another vampire every time you feed, it won't be long before all your prey have been turned into vampires, all of which will get very hungry very fast. However, the idea isn't as absurd as it may seem on the surface.
Lateral gene transmission is not unheard of in nature; certain microbes are known to act as carriers for the DNA of other species, transmitting them from one host to another; and in any event, it appears that predator and prey share many of the same genes anyway; perhaps the only thing that needs to be transmitted is some kind of catalyst to activate them. More conventionally, vampires and humans never achieved complete reproductive isolation in any event; there's no reason why interbreeding couldn't produce vampire offspring, especially if the critical vampire genes were heterozygously dominant.
Many scientists have theorized that the genes responsible for vampirism are widely spread amongst the human population, simply dormant in most people. They lie within junk DNA, which are ancient genes that haven't expressed themselves in thousands of years. These scientists believe that in certain cases, some of these genes do express spontaneously; that psychopathy, autism and certain types of schizophrenia arise partly from the partial expression of these genes in a broken and rudimentary form. That sociopaths and savants show us one or two bits of the vampire subspecies. Of course, these harmful genes stay away from large black males named Will Smith.
[edit] Myths
The crucifix glitch is likely the source of the myth that vampires can't enter someone's house uninvited. It would be more accurate to say that vampires couldn't come into a house unless they kept their eyes closed; and since that would have made them extremely vulnerable to attack, they usually could only enter a house when the house's inhabitants didn't wish them ill.
Vampires had very sensitive night vision and their pupils didn't react as quickly as humans to changes in light intensity; they could be easily snowblinded. Although it couldn't cause them to burst into flame when struck by the sun's rays, but it might explain a general aversion to bright light. A crowd of peasants with torches likely presented a real problem to the subspecies.
It's possible that vampires themselves spread the myth of garlic repelling them, to engender a false sense of security among their prey. It's also possible that the whole story is pure fiction.
A lot of other myths-that vampires can fly, or shapeshift, or that they don't reflect in mirrors-are likely to be mostly fiction as well. But it's worth remembering that these creatures were both faster and more intelligent than humans, and their superlative pattern-matching skills would have given them a real advantage in "blending in" via crypsis; it's quite likely that one might seem to disappear simply by fading into shadow, or adopting a posture that broke up its outline against the background. Combine such a vanishing act with, for example, the flushing of some startled animal caught in its path, and a primitive human might think that some kind of shape-shift had occurred.
According to Gothics, Vampires are sweet, and they wouldn't hurt a fly, in Gothic eyes Vampires are the perfect beings, this might explain their constant moaning and Angst.
[edit] Weaknesses
Vampires are quite prone to some rather common household implements and foods.
- Weakness the first: potato chips.
Vampires are absolute gluttons, and so it may come as no surprise that potato chips are one of their greatest vices. They are prone to eating bags upon bags of them, rendering them incapable of movement. You will always be safe from a Vampire if you carry close to 30 bags of potato chips around with you at all times. Potato chips weigh next to nothing, so this is entirely feasible.
- Weakness B: Ceramic plates.
Vampires are also strangely affected by plates. However, it is not the plates themselves, but rather the smashing of the plates that causes the Vampire intense mental pain. A Vampire likes the natural order of things and Ceramic plates are the epitome of balance. Breaking a plate causes a rift in the space-time continuum that affects a Vampire's heart and soul.
- Weakness III: Killer whale.
Vampires are much more powerful than human beings, but cannot really touch the might of the killer whale. An effective but underused technique for defeating Vampires is to lure them into the vicinity of a hungry killer whale, possibly on a whale-watching boat or by interesting the undead fiend in marine biology. Sure vampires are undead anyway, but let's face it: killer whales can kill anything. Why else would God name them that?
- Weakness π: The Unwritten Rule
This is always useful to keep in mind when combatting Vampires, as it is what they fear most. If there is anything you should know about Vampires, it is this.
- Weakness 四: Artists
Because pencils can be used as stakes and artists usually have lots of them in stock, vampires only get near them in large numbers.
- Weakness Omega: they do not exist.
Vampires do not actually exist. This gives them an important weakness in combat. If however they are helped by the presence of enough pineapples, they are formidable foes nonetheless.
As it is commonly known, you cannot get blood out of a stone. Unfortunately many vampires have died trying. They are rather stubborn and this is also one of their downfalls.
- Weakness
: Wonderbarf
Wonderbarf is secreted by Evil Pizza, and can be used to fuse vampires to Evil Pizza.
- Weakness 12534243: Dr. Phil
Vampires can remain bloodthirsty by being angsty prats. However, Dr. Phil threatens to solve their emotional problems and render them powerless. It is best to take Dr. Phil and the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy cast with you everywhere.
Holy water also works, as demonstrated on Jesus during his Vampire Years.
- Weakness Shinty-Six: Diet Cola
As you may or may not know, all vampires are 86% sugar, (see Count Chocula) and therefore will lose all their power if they accidentally consume what they believe is Cola. This also works with Splenda, Def Leppard and Organic Beef.
- Weakness Trillty B: Smex
Vampires can be easily smexed to death. The easiest and safest method of smexing a vampire is to simply land on it and run away. The vampire, being a fridgid bitch, will then shrivel up and die. Unless of course it is Alucard who will simply eat you back because he owns you bitches.
- Weakness Schfifty-five: Bats with nails
Vampires are repulsed by the bat with a nail because the nail can also be used as a stake (like a pencil) and baseball bats hurt.
- Weakness Count Chocula:
Vampires will cause your calculator to return an error when you attempt to divide them by zero.
[edit] notable vampires
- Walt Disney
- Andrew Lloyed webber
- Kate H. Beckinsale
- Joseph Stalin
- Tinki Winki
- Charles Dickens
- Count Smakula
- Count Dakula
- Doctor Who
- the person who wrote this list (ha,ha,ha! I'm coming for you!)
- Johnny Depp
- the cast of high school musical 1, 2, 3, and of any other fucken sequels or prequels they make to those movies
- Neil Armstrong
[edit] See also
- Darkbanquet.com
- Vampire Hunters
- Vampire style
- Vampire Americans
- Underworld (movie)
- Russian Gypsy Vampire Horde
- Goths
- Lestat de Lioncourt
- Vampirella
- Vlad the Impaler
- Russian Gypsy Vampire Horde
- George W Bush
- Stephen Harper
- lima beans
- Trinity Blood
- Blood+
- Kevin Rudd
- Dracula
- Wallachia
- Transylvania
- Count Chocula
- Count Dooku
- Dio Brando
- Hellsing
- Holy Water
- Kitsune
- Twilight
- Michael Howard
Categories: Animals | Monster | Undead | Halloween | UnBestiary | Vampires | Axis of Evil-Doers | Fetishes
