Vancouver Canuckleheads

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The Vancouver Canuckleheads or Vancouver Casucks are allegedly a hockey team that plays in Vancouver, British Columbia. They joined the National Hockey League in 1970, the beginning of 38 years of fan frustration and agony.

[edit] Name

"Canuck" is slang for Canadian, the same way that "Yankee" is slang for American and "Aussie" is slang for Australian. "Canucklehead" is slang for "Vancouver Canucks hockey player" in the same way that "Yankovic" is slang for "Weird American" and "Sports-Aubsessed" is slang for "Typical Australian."

Originally the team was referred to as the Canucks. After 11 years of never winning a playoff series, they became the Canuckles; but after an unexpected 1982 playoff run they once again became respected as Canucks. Slowly, the name got longer again, briefly going back to the original during the 1994 finals appearance, but reaching full Canucklehead status in the late 1990's. After several years of missing the playoffs, they were briefly referred to as the Cannotleheads; but this led to a complaint that they change their nickname as often as their uniforms.

[edit] Early years

In 1970, the team's expansion rivals won the spin of the roulette wheel and drafted Gilbert Perreault. The Canucks drafted second, but no one recalls who they picked. Furthermore, their rivals Buffalo-with-Crossed-Sabres had the most impressive uniform in the entire league, whereas the Canucks' jerseys featured a box and a line that supposedly represented a rink and a hockey stick. These facts served as omens for the sister teams' first decade. The Sabres' "French Connection" line took them to the finals in their fifth season, while the Canucks' "Bench Depression" line became more adept at shooting springtime birdies.

Unable to improve their players, the Canuckles decided to change their uniforms instead. The new V-neck orange-black-and-yellow made everyone take notice and wonder what medications the psychologist who designed them had put himself on.

Canucks are 10x better than the Calgary Flames, but are also 100x better than the Maple Laffs/Make BeLeafs, not to mention 1000000000x better than the Edmonton Losers. Canuck FANS also have better grammar than the fans of the aforementioned teams.

[edit] Towel power

Then in 1982, the team amazed its fans with an actual playoff series victory against Calgary. Then they won another, and another! - albeit against teams that had upset other teams, so they never actually had to beat a team with a winning record. In the conference final against Chicago, coach Roger Neilson and several players "surrendered" to the referees, waving their white towels on top of their hockey sticks. Actually, they weren't surrendering, they were trying to send a message to their opponents that more liberal use of deodorant would be appreciated. The fans came back with a sea of white towels depicted with anti-perspirant waving furiously from the stands, chanting "TAKE A BATH!! TAKE A BATH!!" as the organist played beautifully perspiring music - embarrassing the Lackhawks (which made them sweat even more) to defeat. The team however got pwn'd 4 games to none in the Stanley Cup Finals by the New York Islanders.

[edit] The Russian Rocket

It took another dozen years before the team's next Stanley Cup finals appearance. With apologies to great players such as Andre "Sacre Bleu" Boudrias, The Steamer (so called because he was no vegetable-boiling wimp), King Richard, "Peeking" Thomas Gradin, "Tantalizing" Tony Tanti, Captain Kirk and Trevor "Endeavor" Linden, Pavel Bure was the franchise's first superstar. Having come off back-to-back 60-goal seasons and the NHL goal title, The Russian Rocket led the Canucks back to the finals in 1994 to play a Few York Strangers.

The Strangers, led by Mark Messy, eh?, Brain-"Sucking" Leetch, and goaltender Mike Richter had won two of the last three regular-season titles; and having waited 54 years for a Stanley Cup, the New York media wasn't about to be particularly modest. Their suggestion that the Canucks were a pushover, however, was a dozen years outdated. When Vancouver tied the series at three games each, the now-humbled NY press called the Russian Rocket the "most feared of Russia's missiles" that had "blown away the city of New York" causing a "million.2" on the Richter Scale. The analogy didn't last, however, as the potential disaster of a 55th year without a cup was averted by a single goal in game seven.

[edit] Recent history

Building a team had been difficult in the late 1990's, until Canucks management visited IKEA. The store's common Swedish sense led to the acquisition of Matthias Ohlund, Markus Naslund, and later Daniel and Henrik Sedin. Naslund and his sidekick Todd "Don'tsueme" Bertuzzi became scoring sensations. Naslund almost single-handedly put out the Calgary Flames (who went to the finals) in 2004, just as The Steamer had almost single-handedly extinguished those same Flames (who won the cup) 15 years earlier. "Almost," however, is not Swedish for "success." Alexander Edler, who will be better than Nicklas Lidstrom in 2 years (after Lidstrom retires), today gives them hope.

Due to lack of anything during the trade deadline except for the trading away of Public Enemy Number one/Cookie Monster, Dave Nonuts, formerly the Canucklehead GM, got fired, to be replaced by former player agent Mike Gillis. Nonuts has recently been seen eating doughnuts in various Tim Hortons, but is still under scrutinization from the pessimistic, ever-critical Vancouver Canucklehead fans.

Today the Canuckleheads are once again potential contenders due to goaltender Roberto Luongo (who, like Babe Ruth, is a chocolate bar). They look impressive with their orca-wielding uniforms. They pass well, they shoot well, they check well, but only in soccer, and are poor in all three categories when it comes to hockey. They have no intention of waiting another 38 years to bring the Stanley Cup to Stanley Park, but they will anyway. But there is one bright side! They, like all other hockey teams (ALL OTHER TEAMS, including the minor league teams!) are still better than the Toronto Maple Leafs.