Vandalism/example on wheels!/Archive 04
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[edit] Teenage muntant ninja turtles
DODODODOD!
Interestingly, the myth that the average human only uses ten percent of their mind is false. The evidence can be seen in Fear Factor, lawyers, the school system and the majority of the government: It is closer to three and a half percent. Also, scientifically speaking only 10 percent of your brain is made up of neurons, and only ten percent of these can be firing at any given time, so you only use 1 percent. It's time to unlock your true potential and truly give that spoon what for!
[edit] Mental aerobics
Now that you've gathered up your materials, take a seat. Before you can try bending anything, first we've got to make sure your mind is in the proper shape! So sit up, now, and let's do some mental aerobics.
[edit] Maths
Find a particularly difficult math problem to work on. We recommend starting off slowly. For instance, you may want to challenge yourself to divide by zero.
[edit] Philosophy
Put on a nice long beard and contemplate the questions of the universe. What is the sound of one hand clapping? What is the sound of three hands clapping? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, how much wood can a woodchuck chuck into a black hole before it is engulfed in the massive gravitational pull?
[edit] Politics
Politics is the psychic's best friend. It questions reality and chucks common sense out the window faster than a woodchuc And 10 minutes later the janitor came in wanting to fight the Tourettes guy because he used so much toilet paper that the toilet overflowed!
[edit] R.I.P. Danny, The tourettes Guy
GILES MOCKFORD IS OUR KING. HE TEACHES US THE MUNGING OF FROGS.
[edit] Spoon bending
Okay! It's now time to bend a spoon using only your mind. There are several ways to go about this; none of these work a hundred percent of the time for all people, so jumble them up a bit until you find one that works for you.
[edit] Mental pictures
Picture... a ball. A great ball of fire. Now, imagine channeling that ball of fire right into the spoon sitting on the table in front of you. It should give a little, bend a little. Troubleshooting:
- Beach balls do not work. It must be made of fire.
- Beach balls on fire do not count.
- Your mental imagery system may not be working. Borrow someone else's brain (fixing it yourself only leads to trouble).
[edit] The verbal method
Talk to the spoon. Maybe go into its life a bit. Did it have a happy childhood? What were its dreams? Did it one day want to become a tablespoon, or something even bigger? Lull it into a false sense of security. Then convince it to bend by shouting at it: "Bend! Bend! Bend!"
Troubleshooting:
- A non-responsive spoon may make conversation difficult. Even though it may feel like a one-sided conversation, plow on.
- A responsive spoon may mean you have voices in your head and thus split personality disorder. Send your brain in for servicing so they can weld your personality back together before attempting this again (and do be more careful with your psyche next time).
- Cursing or threatening to send the spoon in for another dishwasher run will not work, and nervousness will only tense up the spoon further. If you have already managed to screw up, give it a bit of a massage.
[edit] The half-and-half method
While commanding your spoon to bend, help it along a little with your hands. The metal in the spoon has been softened by your invisible ball of fire and your smooth tongue. Thanks to your psychokinesis powers, a spoon unbendable by hands alone can now yield to even the slightest touch. If the sucker still won't bend, applying force from your feet may also be necessary. Some spoons are particularly resilient to psychic powers — these are the skeptics of the spoon community — and power tools may be required to finish the job. Don't worry, it's not you — it's the spoon's utter disbelief. More often than not, the half-and-half method is the most effective method to use. Most psychics prefer it, in fact. It is a combination of your psychic talents and a little bit of tweaking in the physical world. Troubleshooting:
- If, by this point, you are still unable to bend a spoon, do some self searching. Find what it is, deep inside yourself, that is not allowing your power to flow into the spoon's metal.
- Heat is good. Heating up the spoon will allow your brainwaves to flow into it more easily, and thus allow it to be bent easier.
- If you are being sued by Uri Geller for copyright infringement, use a spork.
[edit] Congratulations!
You've just bent a spoon! Now you can impress your friends with the first step of your journey into the supernatural. Some people may even pay to see your amazing powers with spoons. But you've still got far to go! It will take years and years of hard training before you can become a true psychic. What more do I have to do? you may ask. Well, you haven't bent a fork yet, now have you? Any idiot can tell you that you're nowhere near a real psychic until you can bend a fork...
thing is shifting from drugs and baggy pants to cowboy hats, invading foreign countries and saying "huh?". Recent speculation about Bush's involvement in a porn film entitled "Bush N' Bush" has only increased his popularity. The trademark "invasion and killing foreigners" and "acting in porn films" are moves that Bush has claimed as his own, despite the multitude of other instances in which US presidents have engaged in these acts.
In 2006 a documentary was released about the childhood of (C
[edit] Alternative cartography
George Bush, along with Dan Quayle, invented an academic alternative to traditional cartography and boldly scorned the use of higher mental functions when leading others. According to Bush's genuine method, Canada is next to Mexico, Osama bin Laden is from Iraq instead of Saudi Arabia, Chicago is a state, and Africa is a country. More and more scholars have accepted this method and jettisoned the outdated "scientific" model.
“You Know it!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Why I will never be president.
[edit] Science as a point of view==
George Bush's totalitarian capitalist views have led him to the obvious conclusion that science is in fact merely a slightly unruly branch of the legal system. He advocates Intelligent design being taught at schools (see Fallacy), and is in good company with many who feel that it should be taught to Microsoft. While he has never commented publicly, many commentators have suggested his views on intelligent design arose because he finds it hard to believe that evolution could result in a human society stupid enough to elect him. Subversive organisations like the National Academy of Sciences have been exposed as outdated adherents of such barbaric practices as 'research' and even the obscene 'peer review'. Their theorems have been comprehensively disproven by teams of crack lawyers led by Keith Chegwin and the androgynous jimmy kranky, who has proven beyond reasonable doubt that Global Warming is in fact a breach of the 29th Amendment of the Constitution and therefore impossible. The validity of this position was further strengthened by renowned sciento-lobbyist Myron Ebell who has no hidden agenda (and anyone who says otherwise will be sued by his employer, Exxon). for suggesting that dinosaurs existed before littl´ baby Jesus. George Bush is widely expected to declare war on Iran if it even thinks about shedding another nuclear bomb the size of Rhode Island. Such action is clearly promiscus and unacceptable.
[edit] Popular Music
Bush is known to play a mean fiddle with his pinkies and fourth fingers when he is not conquering the universe. He had a huge contribution to the Nightwish songs "Planet Hell" and "End of Hope". To relax after killing whiney pinkos, he "chills out" to "groovy choons" from a diverse palette of musicians, from Garth Brooks to U2. He is also known to have a soft spot (although not for long) for Britney Spears, but only buys her DVDs because "the fucker can't sing to save her midriff." On hearing this, Spears reportedly stopped her support for the colonisation of Iraq and sang one of her hit singles to the Iraqi people "I'm not a Slut, but not yet a Cunt". She also decided to pose naked for Rolling Stone magazine.
George Bush has also been featured in several hip-hop jams [1].
[edit] George W. Bush the person
There is frequent widespread speculation about George W. Bush's IQ. Generally, it is believed to be below the average of the Republicans in America, which is exceptionally low given that the majority of Repulblicans have the lowest average IQ by far. Nevertheless, many people now believe speculation on Bush's IQ is pointless. It is now far more common to speculate on Bush's SQ, which is believed to be off the scale.
[edit] Achievements and accomplishments
George W. Bush became the first acting President to be awarded the Public Safety Officer Medal of Valor. Of course, as he first President to be in power after the award was created, this was not that suprising. The Medal of Valor is normally given by the President, however as Bush knew he would look silly on camera giving the award to himself, Congress passed a special law enabling them to award the Medal of Valor when the awardee is acting President. The Public Safety Officer Medal of Valor was given due to his exceptional bravery during the events of September 11 where he listened to a bunch of kids reading My Pet Goat while the worst attacks ever to occur on American soil were being carried out. They didn't mention how he later ran around like a chicken but it is widely believed he wasn't afraid but simply trying to get My Pet Goat out of his head. He is very afraid of goats after a nasty incident with one in his childhood. Therefore, the primary motivator for the award was not his ability to keep a cool head while the country was attacked, but his ability to keep listening to a story about a goat when he could have easily used the attacks as an excuse to get the hell out of the classroom so he didn't have to listen to a story about goats.
George W. Bush was also awarded the Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf Prize (formerly known as the Noble Defeat Prize) for the same event, the first American citizen and continuing/serving leader.
Both these awards have been controversial as Bush knew he was unlikely to be defeated, given that he gave the orders for September 11. Also, it is widely believed he was stoned and on massive doses of painkillers and Prozac to ensure he was not affected by the reading of My Pet Goat
George W. Bush is also synonymous with failure, as recognised by Google [2].
[edit] Green Values, Poverty and Crime
President Bush has long been against binding international treaties for reducing the Green House gas emissions, such as the Kyoto Agreement. The reason is that he is a staunch believer in that incentives to the private sector and industry R&D will take care of the problem.
Mr Bush also believes Santa could solve poverty in the third world and he is a strong proponent in engaging Tarzan to solve international crime.
In a recent statement to Cheney, Bush said ' Dick, look at the tobacky industry, when we just left them alone, they showed they care and did some real effortin'.'
[edit] Trivia
- In 2003, he was listed in The Observer as one of the 50 funniest acts in British comedy. He shit himself after marrying his first wife. After that he fired 2 shotgun rounds in the air to celebrate that he was able to postpose an orgasm for almost 6 minutes while copulating with a goat.
- In an interview when asked where England is Dubya reported said, "I don't like countries I haven't heard of." And when Dubya spoke to British Prime Minister Tony * Blair on this subject, Blair said "Are you mad?", then promptly suffered a cerebral vascular accident (a stroke) by the explosive loss of IQ points from being in close proximity to Dubya.
- George W. Bush was rated the worst leader in the history of the world by National Geographic Magazine in 2002.
- George W. Bush enjoys the traditional Texan sport of mud-wrestling which he is fond of carrying out along with his estranged wife Hilary Duff.
- After making a speech at NASA in 2004, NASA scientists Fred Robster and Ghengis Khan discovered George W. Bush to be the Densest Object in the Known Universe. They made this remarkable (yet unsurprising) discovery using a block of lead, a flashlight, and a piece of toilet paper.
- George Bush really does not care about Black People. The token black christian fundie mentally handicapped woman is merely for making Affirmative Action quotas look silly.
- George W. Bush is the White Ranger that holds a key to one of the five Robot Lions that can form Ultra Jesus. He attributes his lack of concentration on America to his involvement in Ultra Jesus' constant battles against Rosie O'Donnel Mark 2.
- George W. Bush's flatulence has been credited as the main cause of global warming and the stink that surrounds Washington D.C.
- Second worst super hero only behind Aquaman stuck in the desert.
- George W. Bush is believed to the the biblically prophesized Angel of Pestilence since everything he talks about or attends withers and dies (e.g the economy, Iraq, the America's Summit, etc.)
- He hates the Flat Earth Society because Earth is dome-shaped and stands on an infinite pile of giant turtles anyways.
- He has red spots shaped like Norway on his head much like Gorbachev, but had hair transplants to hide the commie bastard roots on his mother's side of the family.
- He is the only nominee for the Whole-Planet Darwin Awards, but isn't expected to win as he might survive his nuclear policies (along with Waylon Smithers) even if no one else does.
- Likes black meat (he's also an Edwards Bourrough fan).
- At Laura's urging he went cold turkey in 2000 and quit sniffing glue, with exceptions only on weekends, on weekdays after 3pm, and before important speeches.
- A supporter of George W. Bush is called a fucking retard. A detractor is called an American, or resident of the rest of the entire planet.
- Is the main donator to uncyclopedia, for purpose of serving as a bad example so he can shut down the internet as useless.
- Bush has received the great honor of a first place ranking in Richard Simmons "Sweating Your Fat Ass Off To The Hokey Pokey" marathon. Since drug testing was not mandatory for this event, George was secretly able to utilize his supply of uncut Columbian cocaine to give him super-human strength and endurance. A high intake was used which resulted in the loss of his left testicle, which George proudly wears as a badge of honor.
- Bush was never a 'junkie'! He was only known to snort cocaine in his adolesence and then only during very special occasions.
- No-one has yet translated his personal language into anything even remotely comprehensible to human beings. Thus, he is a major contributor to the Encyclopaedia Dramatica like the rest of the world's useless shit.
- Despite what people say, George doesn't like Barney. He prefers Biker Mice From Mars.
- That when Bush said he was "a uniter, not a divider" he meant it literally. George never did learn multiplication or division at elementary school.
- Bush reads comic books voraciously. He also likes to think of himself as a train and often circles his office, pretending to be a conductor and mimicking train noises.
[edit] George W Bush and Darwinism
Popular fans of Darwin's Evolution theory praise the existence of George Bush as he provides a perfect missing link between Apes and Humans (see picture).
[edit] Quotations
For the main list of quotations, see George W. Bush (quotes).
- "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."—Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
- "Hmmmm, it was either weapons of mass distruction, or.....students of mass instruction? LETS INVADE!
- "I'm sorry, I don't speak Mexican"
- "Was it on par?" (On hearing of Ariel Sharon's stroke.)
- "My fellow Americans: STFU."
- "The nice thing about approval rating is it can never go negative... oh..."
- Iraq still has weapons of mass destruction, I can prove it... Just let me get the receipt out of my pocket.
- Ya know Laura, what is with Al Franken? He thinks he's a genius just cause he did some acting on Saturday Night Live and that his political views are smart."
- Jon Stewart: "Quit calling me Laura!"
- Fry him. -- when referring to a recently convicted murderer.
- Fry him. -- when referring to a recently caught wild turkey.
- Fry him. -- when referring to a recently uncooked freedom fry.
- Fry him. -- when referring to Dick Cheney's electroconvulsive therapy. The doctor was asking how much voltage to use.
- Thompson, my dad's buddy wants you to lay off him. Pass the coke. 'To journalist Hunter S. Thompson
- I am against gay marriage. I am also against widespread literacy and the refrigeration of food.
- America: love it or move to Canada.
- Is it chicken, or is it fish?" (When looking at a can of "chicken of the sea" tuna
- Jesus Christ, do I have to do another State of the Union tonight? Fuck this shit; being the President is hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work.
- It's hard work.
- There is no reason to ever allow any country to harbor Weapons of Math Instruction.
- You forgot Poland!
- I like Wild Turkey, but brother, Wild Turkey don't like me!
- The Iraqians have PUNS OF MASSIVE CIVILISATION. Saddam has a bunker of nukulars where he smokes them with oil-fuelled lighters. We must go in there and liberate the oil-fuelled lighters. God bless amurika. Terra terra terra terra 9/11 9/11 9/11 we are going to inishate a "shawk n chicken raw" campaign against the massive puns of civilisation. Thank you amurika and remember to always not forget "YOU FORGOT POLAND".
- Hey I said stop quoting me! Cut that out! Put that fucking pencil down right now motherfucker!"
- Hey Dick,why don't we put toll booths up in Tora Bora. Iraq is paying off, Afghanistan is a bust financially.
- Laura, didya git that there Clapper hooked up to one of my nukular missiles yet?
- And now let's look at the weather map which is everything else, but dry.
- That was oblivious that people either vote 'yes' or 'no'.
- Responding to criticisms that he is a marxist: Of course I'm not a Marxist. I can't spell Groucho.
- "Every single Liberal, including your friend Obi-Wan Kenobi, is now an enemy of the Republic."
- "Iraq my fault?...yea?...Well...erm...God told me to do it."
- "My fellow Invertabrates, this week a major incident reportedly took place at sea, during which Colin Powell captured my battleship. Oh yeah, and we also raidified that stupid North Korean boat as well. As a result, the North Korean leader, Kim Jong, announcified that he would be resumerating their nuclear program. A program I condemn, because it threatens to de-salinate the region. And also because it's a program that has not once featured the Fonz. But be warned, King Kong. Like others before you, should you threaten New York by climbing the Empire State Building, then my fleet of bi-planes will have no choice but to oblitifry you from the face of the Earth"
- "I believe human beings and fish can live in peace."
- "The French have no word for Entrepreneur"
- "My fellow astronauts"
- "My fellow underevolved shit-throwers"
- "My fellow Texan pot-bellied fighting orangutangs"
- "Dear mom, Camp is fun. Why does asparagus make my pee smell funny?"
- "Yes goddammit I have more waffles than a house of pancakes."
- "All Texas' Base are belong to me."
- "When I think, it hurts real bad up here."
- "My name is George Dubya Bush. Won't you be my friend?"
- "They non-anti-non-anti-un-non-un-un-anti-un-non-misunderestimated me."
- "Nancy Pelosi gave me a thumping, shows what I know! Why didn't Laura save me, I was nearly aborted but she agreed she wanted to work with me as she sat on my chest. A lot of new Congressmen and women got a seat that day."
| Clear! (file info) |
| George - with Co-lin in his thoughts - makes an interesting Freudian slip. |
[edit] Impeachment proceedings
The senate has recently moved to impeach Bush after allegations that he used his brain. A leading ultra-radical conservative said that it seriously risked national security and several countries may have to be nuked as a result. The CIA denied any possibility of it happening stating that aliens are the more likely cause.
The last president to be impeached was That Guy Whatsisname, who did not sleep through terror attacks and preside over the destruction of New Orleans.
[edit] Re-election Campaign
Bush has recently announced that he intends to run for a third term due to wartime epansions of executive power. When asked about the constitutional amendment specifically denying him the ability, he responded, "[the 22nd amendment] doesn't seem to understand that we're at war here. If we just start changing presidents in the middle of a fight, we're gonna get hit again. Besides, Congress authorized me to run for a third term when they authorized me to use force in Iraq."
The campaign slogan is provisionally "We are all in a whole lot of danger, so be afraid. No, not the kind of danger that implies Bush failed to make us safe, the other kind that just make you vote Republican." but is expected to be shortened by November.
[edit] At The End of His Second Term
During the end of his regime, Bush has spent most of his time secluded in his bunker at his ranch in Texas and has seldom been seen on the outside.
[edit] Revisions
Bush has had two recent revisions: see George Bush 2.0. The other revision was withdrawn from the market after it transpired that he couldn't spell that either.
[edit] Pictures and other media resources
[edit] See also
- Bush Family
- Crawford, Texas
- WMD(Donuts)
- Talk Like George Bush Day
- Satan
- Dumbass
- Hitler
- Fascist
- Declaration of war on Iraq
- Leatherface
- 666
- immigrant dodgeball
- Everybody Hates Dubya
[edit] External links
- http://www.whitehouse.gov
- http://www.whitehouse.org
- George W. Bush Conspiracy Generator
- Speech
- Bush's first attempt at MTV
- State of the Union address
[edit] For more information
- 1. go to www.google.com
- 2. type in "miserable failure"
- 3. click "I'm feeling lucky"
- 4. Lather, rinse, repeat
|- style="text-align: center;"
| width="30%" |Preceded by:
Bill Clinton
| width="40%" style="text-align: center;" | President of the United States
2001-2009 AB
| width="30%" |Succeeded by:
Dick Cheney
|- style="text-align: center;"
| width="30%" |Preceded by:
Joshua Norton
| width="40%" style="text-align: center;" | Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico
2001 - Jesus' Return
| width="30%" |Succeeded by:
Jesus
|- style="text-align: center;"
| width="30%" |Preceded by:
Satan
| width="40%" style="text-align: center;" | Leader of Al-Qaida
1901-1922 AD
| width="30%" |Succeeded by:
Väinö Tanner
|}
George “Generalissimus Maximus Darth” Dubya Bush (born July 6, 1946) is the forty-third and current Sith Warlord of the Totalitarian American Empire. Originally dumped into the presidential office by Dick Cheney, George H.W. Bush, and other prominent members of the Oil Tycoon Party on January 20, 2001, Bush was "elected" president by the rich people, much to the displeasure of Al Gore in the 2000 Presidential Rip-off, and re-elected by Larry the cable Hick’s supporters in the 2004 presidential election. He previously served as the forty-sixth Governor of Hickville from 1995 to 2000, and is the eldest son of former United States president George H. W. Bush, from who he got his platinum spoon.
George, or Georgie as called by people close to him, is a member of the Satan's Turds Party, also known as All Your Money Are Belong To Us Party, or Screw The Stupid Little American Peasants Party. He is known for his unconventional style of politics, such as aiming streams of urine at his opponents, and screeching while jumping up and down on them. His working day consists of finger-painting and pasting macaroni on official government documents (Something Dick Cheney has repeatedly told him is a “no-no”). He loves non-alcoholic beer and sugar-free frozen treats, and spends most of his time in his ranch, taking 3 naps a day and posing for photos where he pretends to be clearing brush.
Every once in a while he also makes a public appearance, in which case Dick Cheney sticks his hand up his ass and proceeds to use him as a ventriloquist's dummy, hiding behind Georgie and the podium being used. This makes it much easier for poor lil' Georgie, because he really isn't made for those difficult presidential duties like "readin'" and "writin'
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- This article is about the video game. For the big truck, see Internet.
Internet is a MMORPG played on a heavily modified text adventure engine. It is the second game in the Really Big-Ass Networks series. With over 1 billion players, Internet is the most popular MMORPG, easily beating stupid shit like Run-Escape.
[edit] Characters
Through Internet's text description-based technology, players can create any character they want. Many players use this feature to create characters that would be considered absurd by real life standards. The average Internet character has some impressive stats:
- IQ: 241
- Max bench press: 932 pounds
- Death rate: 4 characters per decade
- Penis: Blue Whale
These stats are actually a lot lower than most players have. This is because some players instead create characters intended to represent a person that player hates, such as a mother-in-law or a politician, and give the character low stats and have the character fail miserably in very public settings. For example, there are an estimated 10,000 George W. Bush characters in Internet, each of which has no stats and no achievements, and most of which do nothing but have cybersex with Dick Cheney characters. In early 2003, this method of defamation became widely accepted as a legitimate tactic in logical debates.
Characters can join one of three factions, the Explorer Horde, the Firefox Alliance or the Opera Empire. Many players are under the false impression that the faction you choose makes a difference. However there are many fucking shitheads who think that the AOL Avengers is the way to go. Fuck them. Those people are the dumbest god damn pieces of fucking shit imaginable.
[edit] Stats
- Constitution is a measure of just how much Internet the character can stomach. Constitution determines how many hit points you have, and a player loses one hit point each time he encounters something retarded, making a high Constitution necessary to do anything.
- Strength determines how much power any message, such as a post or e-mail, has on its target. High strength enables players to perform one-post kills.
- Intelligence is defined in the manual as "the ability to convince other players that you don't use AOL". Whenever a player claims that Internet needs to have legendary relics, the game's defenders argue that it already has one because there's only one Intelligence point in the entire game. Intelligence can be lowered by using Internet Explorer, and raised by using Linux.
- Dexterity (short for "pointdexterity") is a measure of nerdiness. Players gain a billion Dexterity points per hour while playing Internet, even if they're not doing anything. Especially if they're not doing anything.
- Charisma doesn't do anything, in any game, ever.
- Wisdom is the same thing as Intelligence except it has a different name. Once a character achieves 10 points of Wisdom, he learns that spending all day playing a game just to get high virtual stats and more virtual GP is a waste of time and starts achieving goals in the real world. For this reason, the ability to gain Wisdom was taken out of the game very shortly after it was released, and accounts with more than one Wisdom point sell for thousands of dollars. Yes, you read that right - people spend thousands of dollars on pretend wisdom.
- Post Count is the most important stat in Forum areas. All of the other stats only matter if the two characters in combat are tied in Post Count, otherwise the player with the higher Post Count automatically wins. People Say your post count is also your penis size. If this is true, some forum mods must live in entire continents by themselves. Or maybe this is where people got the idea for the WTC [By Patrick]
[edit] Professions
There are several professions for a character to perform in Internet, all of which accomplish absolutely nothing.
- Bauming: Formerly known as the Ebum, the Baumer received an enormous series of buffs in patch 8.6753.09. No longer a mere wannabe-troll, the newly named Baumer has become one of the most powerful summoning classes in the game. The Baumer is able to take movies from other, less powerful characters, post them on their own site, and use the movie's power against the original caster without anyone thinking that this is a load of horse manure. In order to use these movies, the Baumer assigns them to his/her (Who am I kidding? It's always his) Ebums. Ebums are tiny, pathetic trolls, unable to survive on their own, who take the Baumer's movie and will spam it across the internet. Ebums can also steal other's blogs, sites, links, chat logs, or even steal their server if the Ebum is powerful enough.
- Blogging: Blogger characters are very wise bards. They can often be heard telling passers-by such mythical legends as what sandwich he ate for lunch or what dumb mistake her/his boyfriend made. Bloggers' legends are highly respected by NPCs to balance the complete lack of interest they garner from players. Bloggers have the ability to bore other players in combat, slowly draining their patience until they get so annoyed that their charecter dies. Bloggers also have the ability to set Traps, or Blogs. Blogs are pages intentionally made to damage others with Boredom. Blogs can be set as traps to Bore any unsuspecting player who walks by one and clicks on the link to it.
- Chatting: Chatters can talk with others about absolutely nothing for a long period of time. While Chatting increases every skill in the game at once, it damages your charecter with Boredom points the entire time you chat. It is good for charecters who have a very high Constitution but lack in other skills.
- Flaming: Flamers (named so because they are really, really, really gay) can damage other players by setting logs on fire and throwing them at enemies. While Botters (sorcerers) can perform this profession easily with scripts that automatically insult the Logs with a collection of different comebacks, other characters must manually flame by collecting and insulting logs. Beginning flamers can only call a log's mother a whore, while expert flamers can call a log's mother Hitler.
- Linking: Linking is a very important skill as it can instantly teleport you or any other player to any place in the game. If it is used on another player they will automatically be Linked there. Linking is useful in battles if you link your opponent to a blog or other extremely retarded page.
- Forwarding: Forwarding is a useful skill only to high level players, but it is also very useful. Forwarders can throw a projectile called Forward Email, which will cause the player hit to send the Forward to the nearest other player. A forward gains momentum as it travels from victim to victim, but does not damage the links in the chain, only the one at the end. The amount of players it hits before dying depends on the player's Forwarding level. The last person who is hit gets 10 points of Annoyance damage for every "link" in the Forward chain. Forwarding can be stopped, however, by a Spam Filter, if the filter is of a higher level than the forward.
- Gamedevving: This is THE most difficult class in the game, but also the most powerful. While at first it seems like the coolest, funnest, and most powerful class in the game, after playing for two weeks, when the player finds he is still level 1 and still has 200000 experience to go through to get to level two, most people declare it butt-fugly and a useless Timesink. However, there are some less difficult (although also less powerful) subclasses, such as Mapping, modding, RM2K, and Goatse. There is a rumor that there are some high-level Gamedevers out there, but this is widely believed to be a bunch of Dingo's Kidneys.
- Hacking: Not to be confused with the hacking out guts attack which is considered to be more of a necessity on Internet than a profession, hacking is, essentially, the ability to do anything, anywhere, at any time. Hackers can change any variable in the game to whatever they want. To keep the skills balanced, it takes slightly more experience to level up hacking.
- Messenger: Often considered to be a secondary profession as many Messengers use other professions to achieve their goals. For example, a high level Messenger may also be a high level Blogger or Flamer but the reverse is never true. Messenging has nothing to do with sending important messages around the world. In fact, the opposite. Sending useless spam next door using various equipment stored their inventory. The idea of a messenger is to convincce as many people as possible that you are not who you say you are. At Level 0 players can use in-game chat to convince people that they are 1337 h4x0rz! At level 15 players are permitted to use MSN to convince people that they are a single 18 year old schoolgirl instead of the fat, balding 40-something year old that you really are. At level 50 players can then edit Wiki's to convince people that you know what the fuck you are talking about. At level 100 players can convince Africa that they are God. Players can also level up by sending E-mails to as many people as possible. This can be anything from crap jokes to Send Me All Your Moneys To Win the Prize!
An expert flamewarrior, battling on 3 fronts, using the Spamming, Messenger, and Flaming skills.
- Spamming: Spamming is, essentially, how fast you can attack others. Level 1 spammers can only attack or use spells once every minute, while level 90 spammers can rapidly attack their enemy over and over. Spamming is a very important skill as without it you will get 0wn3d by others who attack faster than you.
- Moderating: Hired by the Forum's lord, Moderators track down wanted post thieves and flame-assassins and Kick them from the forum. Although successfully performing this job to the forum admin's satisfaction pays well (possibly even more than chatting if done above expectations) it is hard to do because there are so many rogues, and each one will say they thought what they were doing was considered "picking up spawning items" or "PKing in a PK zone" which are perfectly legal, and when you Kick a rogue he'll just come back and steal or flame even more, and if you banish someone who isn't a rogue then it inevitably turns out to be the lord's best friend and you're in some real deep shit. Moderating should only be done by professional players because it is so dangerous that you might Kick someone who isn't a rogue, but it pays very well. If you do it enough, you may even become the Admin of a forum, which will let you hire other Moderators. Moderators are extremely good at forum combat due to the fact that being a Moderator increases your post count by 10 for each Rogue you kick.
- Taking GP from former Nigerian leaders: Many NPCs throughout the realm of Internet are former Nigerian leaders who have come into possession of a long-lost relic worth many GPs. Unfortunately, the relic has been frozen by the current Nigerian leader, who is an ice sorcerer. In order to get the relic out of the ice so that the former leader can sell it, players must cast a teleport spell or use a teleport item to get the relic to the United States.
- Trolling: The only race-specific profession, trolling can only be done by - you guessed it - orcs. Trolling characters go into busy areas and loudly declare that the local sports team sucks and isn't as good as the one in New York. Everyone in the area will immediately stop what they're doing so they can, for seemingly no reason at all, give the troll free food. This continues until someone figures out that giving away free food isn't a method of punishment, and announces that people in the area should not feed the troll. The troll can optionally attack the one who announced it to silence them, but this usually does not work.
- Vandalizing: Vandalism has a wide range of abilities for those who follow it. Vandals are capable of disenchanting magical runes by replacing them with "(Name of spell) is gay." They can travel through walls by writing on the wall "(Name of wall) is gay." which conjures a hole in the wall. In fact, a skilled vandal can destroy any object in the game by declaring it gay. Vandals can also take a Sharpie and write on other player's heads such things as "IM GAY" or "I LICK COCK".
[edit] Personal Space
[edit] Geography
Prominent areas in Internet include:
- Google is home to a magical engine that can determine where any item, NPC, area, quest point, or anything else is. It even has a built-in teleporter that takes the player directly to that place. Nevertheless, many players don't know it exists and ask players and NPCs stupid questions. Too bad you can't tell them to do a Google search for Google, huh? To make up for that, you can tell newbies to Google search for level 96 dragons, then while they're looking at the results, press the "I'm feeling lucky" button on them.
- eBay is a marketplace where players can sell real world items for real world money. Confused players often buy several new cars thinking it would cost them thousands of GPs when it actually bankrupted them, and it's freaking hilarious every time! Some players wonder why there's a real world shop in a fake world, but it's nonetheless been very successful. In response to eBay's success, Starbucks opened up eight stores in World of Warcraft.
- Slashdot is Internet's most reliable source for news on newly released features. Unfortunately, the oracle that releases the news lives miles below the surface in the Slashdot cavern system, and reaching the oracle requires passing a dungeon and doing combat with dozens of orcs. Low level players' corpses, who starved to death from running out of food, litter the cavern.
[edit] Dungeons
Internet includes at least two badillion dungeons to explore. Unfortunately, most of these are user-created wastelands which stupid hippies made about their cats which they don't even huff. These places are reserved for n00bs who are amazed at the vast amounts of information on the Internet. Some examples of these dungeons include:
- Webcomics: Sometimes created by "artists" who think they're funny and need money for kitten huffing, othertimes by "funny people" who think they can draw and need money for kitten huffing, but usually by unfunny people who think they can draw and need money for kitties. Webcomics are a type of dungeon that are steadily increasing in popularity. Webcomics include uninteresting, or oftentimes downright obscene monsters who attack the player using punchlines. Flamers are, for once, useful in these dungeons, because although the drawings sometimes make you question the existence of God, the "artists" will oftentimes kill themselves/give up as soon as someone tells them they are teh suck. If this doesn't work, just wait it out and eventually the "artist" will have to move to Toronto or something.
- Blogs: Blogs are places created by players with the blogging skill. They are intentionally meant to annoy the viewer and damage him. Some Blogs can be enchanted with a spell that forces players to read them for a short period of time before they leave. Blogs are basically traps, and can be Linked to. A common thing to do in a fight is to link your opponent to a very high-level Blog, where they will be damaged severely. Players one day began trading Blogs for use in combat, and then shortly after an official blog market was created called Xanga. Players can now buy Blogs and use them against opponents, or place them in an enemy server as a trap.
- Uncyclopedia Articles: Very rare dungeon, since no one gives enough of a damn to actually make something this stupid. Basically, it's like a wikipedia entry, except a lot cooler. In fact, if anyone were to say that this article on the internet was "t3h suxx," it may disappear immediately. That definitely won't happen though, because this shit is funny as hell. It will get vandalized though. Then the entire artcicle will be ruined DAILY.
- Wikipedia: The worst place in Internet. You will die.
[edit] Quests
There are an infinite number of quests for players to embark on in Internet. Most of them involve Myspace and therefore are a waste of time, but fortunately a list of quests that are worth doing was made. Here is that list:
- Damsel is the most classic quest, in which the player must traverse the evil Castle Hotlesbiansexdotcom and rescue a kidnapped damsel named bigtits08.jpg from the clutches of a sinister Russian photographer. The player then gains the Fap ability.
- Strewing Song requires the player to find a wandering minstrel and memorize his tunes. The player can then play the tune for other players for no cost, and as a result the wandering minstrel goes bankrupt and starves to death.
- The Valid Runes has the player searching the dangerous Inbox Dungeon for a scroll from a business partner, however the dungeon contains thousands of scrolls with pure rubbish. Beating this quest requires a Shield of Spamblocking +1 or greater.
- Unseen Agent tells of the player who sneaks into Sir Galahad's castle and steals all of the scrolls, then takes them back to a rival Heroes' Guild. The player then treks back to the castle and replaces the stolen scrolls with advertisements for that Heroes' Guild. This seems easy enough, except the player is constantly being attacked by the undefeatable lavamancer Adaware while doing it.
- Unfamiliar Claims For The Moment requires a player to refresh every five seconds to see if anything new has happened.
[edit] Criticism
Internet is often criticized for distracting players away from real life. Because of the time it takes to acquire experience, players often spend more time playing Internet than is considered healthy. Organizations that focus on children and families urge parents not to install Internet but rather to have their children go outside to avoid becoming "one of those Internet nerds". Fans of the game defend it with arguments such as "Oh yeah, well I think Internet is great, and I'm a level 58 Goatseer! What are you? Level 0 nothing? Yeah, that's what I thought. Maybe when you find the Lost Amulet of GameFAQs your opinion will have some weight, but until then shut the hell up."
Some political groups claim that Internet should be banned from the Internet. This demand was first made when it was discovered that the Unclad Simulacrum Of The Urchins quest sent players on a mission to find the kiddie porn relic. Al Gore Games officials have stated that they consider the in-game picture depicting the relic as art rather than pornography, because as one developer put it "Pornography is defined as material created with the goal of sexual arousal, and we sure as hell don't get off on pictures of eight year olds getting raped. If you think that's sexually arousing, you're the one that should be arrested, not us." Obviously, the guy who said that is now in jail.
[edit] See also
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MUDKIPZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
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Quick! Follow that mudkip!
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MUDKIPZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
[edit] Will work for mudkip
[edit] atTentTOIHD-
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{Title|Please explode a(n) laughable treehouse and hoarsely pasteurize your fanatical possibility in Bonny Scotland for Stephen Colbert!}}
[edit] Preparation
Before we begin, let's get familiar with your tools. You will be working with two objects: Namely, your spoon and your mind.
[edit] 1. The spoon
If you do not have a spoon, it is highly recommended you go out and buy one now. If you have a friend, or a neighbor you like to pretend is your friend, you may wish to borrow one. Warn them, however, that it may not come back in the same shape they gave it to you in! But if they have a lot of spoons in their drawers it should hardly be a worry. <