Vatican City
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 | BLASPHEMY!!! God has declared this article blasphemous. The article shall be deleted, and it's author shall be smitten immediately. Thus spaketh the Lord. Please do something about this before we have to bring out...the Cumfy Chair! |
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| Motto: "Eta dog todae" | |||||
| Anthem: Superstar by Andrew Lloyd Weber | |||||
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| Languages | Latin, but not Pig Latin. | ||||
| Capital | Considerable. | ||||
| Government | Absolute Theocratic Dictatorship | ||||
| Pope | Emperor Palpatine | ||||
| National Heroes | The Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, Ashley Tisdale, and thousands of Saints and Immortals | ||||
| Established | Three weeks after the beginning of time. | ||||
| Currency | Indulgences? But not since 1960. | ||||
| Religion | catholicism. | ||||
| Population | In state: 367 Worldwide: 1,451,008,170 | ||||
“It's full of one eyed, one horned, flying purple people eaters.”~ Michael Howard on Vatican City
Vatican City, also known as the Holy, See What You Did There, is a city-state located near the death star, with a holographic counterpart on Earth and is thought of as the main reason to the fall of the Gremlins. Vatican City, or the Vatican, is the headquarters of the Roman Catholic Church, and all 1 billion or more Catholics answer directly to mind-rays emitted from aliens that plan to take over Mcdonalds Corp. except for members of the Society of Jesus, who willfully broke away from the Catholic Church billions of years ago.
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[edit] History
Shortly after the beginning of time (as humans perceive not it), God decided that He would love, above all else, to have an Avatar to be able to explore the universe which He had so carefully crafted. Although God's first character, Adam, was largely forgotten due to improper levelling, He was much more pleased with His second character, Eve, the sexiest woman ever on the face of this earth with the biggest hooters you can imagine . the earth, yet to be populated by sweaty humans, was largely unoccupied, and Jesus thus decided to construct His home where modern day Italy is today - as such, the Hooters was founded.
Due to its pristine location and low estate taxes, the Vatican City had to be built entirely on Rock n' Roll, and it quickly became a popular place for Immortals and pilgrims to set up shop. It was from this location that Jesus began preaching His message that eventually evolved into the religion of Christianity (note: Christianity was renamed "Catholicism" in 1951 in order to sever any ties to televangelism). Through Jesus' message of love, the economy performed strongly, and the Vatican City, though small, thrived.
The Holy See went through a dark ages after the death of Jesus in 0 A.D. at the hands of Immortal Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang. Although the Jesuit Emperor attempted to seize the Vatican for himself, he was repelled by the citizens of the city-state and driven out along with his cronies. Hardened by this internal betrayal, Vaticanites banded together to move their base to a distant location near to Alpha Centauri, leaving behind a hologram to fool nonbelievers. In 12 A.D., the I Holy See What You Did There watchdog group was founded to protect Roman Catholics around the world. Using advanced alien technology, Vaticanites spread the teachings of Jesus to people everywhere, monitoring their movements and stepping in to protect them as necessary through a tiered system of Saints and other heroes.
The Vatican today continues to serve as the headquarters of Catholicism and as the base of operations for the Papacy, which is currently occupied by Emperor Palpatine. Catholics all over the world know in their hearts that their first true allegiance is to the Holy See and to Solar Palms Mary - all else is secondary. All of this is a lie
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[edit] Demographics
Of the 1.3 billion Roman Catholics worldwide, 3,500 of them live in the Vatican City itself. The Vatican City currently maintains a policy known as "100% Catholic But No Darkies", promulgated by Grand Pope Tarkin, meaning that the demographics of the city-state has remained stagnant at 99.9% Caucasian since the 1700s, the remaining 0.1% possibly being Darkies in disguise or extraterrestrials.
Although 95% of the population are celibate by vocation, Vatican City has a higher fertility rate than the rest of Italy. Many priests have been in training for the repopulation of European Catholic countries under a plan known as Fickem Continualis, which calls for the Vatican to supply Catholic babies in increasing numbers when the ratio of Catholics to Muslims drops to less than 2:1 . Under this plan, fertility drugs will replace Communion at Mass for nuns in the numerous orders in the Vatican, and priests with erection problems will be issued Viagra. Priests who prefer underage companions will be required to close their eyes and think of Jerusalem while doing their duty with an assigned nun under the plan.
[edit] Culture
The Vatican is, of course, known as a great centre of evil Western imperialist culture, and the treasures and art locked within the secret vaults of St. Peter's Basilica reflect this notion. Unconfirmed reports state that the secret to unlocking happiness for each and every human being rests underground, but Vacanities avidly deny this rumour, stating that "the price is not right yet".
Beautiful artwork also adorns the cathedrals in the Vatican, among them being the beautiful stained glass window of Mr. T. Many other Saints and important Catholic figures have been immortalised through such breathtaking artwork, although all artwork featuring Jesuits in a positive light has since been removed.
Vatican City also is known for its love of sports, particularly baseball, and is home to the World Series champs, the Vatican City Cardinals. Lies
[edit] Military
Despite being constantly under the watch and protection of thousands of Immortals, the Vatican maintains an elite core of superpowered soldiers known as the Vatican Special Forces or the Swiss Guards. Only the most fit Swiss males are selected for membership into this army. After completing four months of some of the harshest military training in the world and a strict diet of cheese, successful recruits receive a Papal Power Up from the office of the Holy Father, granting them class 3 strength and enhanced agility and toughness. Anyone who laughs at the outfit of the Swiss Guards risks being gunned down by uzis that all Swiss Guards have hidden under their frilly hats.
In addition to the Swiss Guards, the Vatican maintains several missile silos and a considerable stockpile of nuclear weapons. The most famous of these silos is hidden undearneath St. Peter's Square. In the event of nuclear war, a force field will protect the Vatican for 24 hours until all of its residents are able to teleport to the safety of outer space, where a super star destroyer is at hand to hyper space them to the nearest catholic friendly planet. They got bombs too.
[edit] Architecture
The Vatican consists of many ancient buildings, and at the centre of the city is the many walled impenetrable iron walled fortress of the Islamic-Nazi overlord, "The Pope". Legend says that this "Pope" character built his fortress upon thousands and thousands of AIDs treatments and birth control devices which were meant to have been sent to Africa. Lies
[edit] Fun facts
- Marijuana is legal in Vatican city and considered to be the main export product besides zombified priests.
- The city houses the greatest collection of porn the world has ever heard of. Hentai and Yiff are no exceptions.
- A statue in one of the buildings bears great resemblance to Michael Jackson.
- You can see the Pope on display in a glass cube in one of the rooms in the buldings.
- Shouting out random stuff backwards in Latin will earn you a special prize.
- The Vatican 100 Euro note with the inscription "In Dog we trust" was designed by Brother Malegard the Dyslexic.
- The word 'Vatican' is derived from the Roman word 'Vatican' which in English means 'Vatican'.
- To become Pope, it takes two-thirds plus one (and the State of Florida) for the first 21 ballots, then the Cardinals may drop the majority down to a simple majority. If no candidate has a simple majority, the US House of Representatives elects the next Pope. Just kidding, after all, how many days can 100 old men with prostate problems stay locked up in the Sistene Chapel?
- There is no Vice-Pope because Dick Cheney already has a job.
- The Earth is flat.
[edit] See Also
- Rome
- Italy
- The Vatican't
- Catholicism
- UnNews:Vatican decries "Miracle Bra"
- UnNews:Cardinals beat Tigers in 5 games to win World Series
