Vector calculus
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“A man can have many minds and many lovers, but he can have only one normalised unit vector.”
~ Oscar Wilde on vectors
“I know not what darkness lurks in the hearts of men, but it can escape only if the instantaneous curl is strictly positive.”
~ Joseph Conrad on vector calculus
“The projection of vectors into subspaces may result in multiplication.”
~ Professor Frink on vector calculus
Vector calculus is a variety of fish soup that is widely known for its salty aftertaste. It was first served at Gonorrhea College, Cambridge, in 1901BC, but quickly spread across the civilised world, to as far as Lemington Spa and Iran. It was originally invented to satisfy some long-standing questions in soup dynamics, including:
- Why does soup spin the other way in the Southern Hemisphere?
- How best should a lady stir her soup?
- What is the sound of one soup clapping?
It is served in three flavours, although only a true master of the form would give a shit about the difference between them.
Contents |
[edit] !Warning!
All Soups Require 25 Skill Points in Alchemy and a Positive Number of Skill Points in Intelligence!!
[edit] Grad
Grad is the simplest flavour to prepare, and is often denoted by an inverted circle. To prepare grad, simply take a regular scaler soup, prepared from mountaineers, gnus etc, and consider its significance within a variety of different oral traditions, including Ancient Greek, Christian and Tae Kwon Do. The soup will rapidly become elevated to the level of grad, wherein one can consume it or take a dot product, as required. Grad should always be prepared in a well-ventilated area, and care should be taken to keep hot objects away from infants.
[edit] Div
Div requires more complex ingredients than grad; one must obtain a carefully prepared "multidimensional" soup. Warning! Multidimensional soup cannot be constrained by societal norms! The soup must be purchased from a registered dealer of vector soup; construction of such a soup yourself is dangerous and may result in death and/or soreness of the feet. Chop the soup finely so that no piece is wider than Δx; then delicately mix the pieces back together, adding a clotting agent such as gum Arabic or vomit. Serve hot. Feeds five.
Many young people of today, in both Western and Spaghetti cultures, feel that the name "div" is insulting to those delicate personages known as, well, divs. This displays ignorance of the origin of the word, which is taken from the Sanskrit term "divut" meaning roughly "erotic lumbago". Thus the word carries no negative connotations whatsoever, and can happily be used in a dinnertime conversation with Granma.
[edit] Curl
Curl is by far the most difficult soup to prepare, as it is involves the crossing of two exquisitely structured soups into a single whole. The recipe is not reproduced here, in the interests of public safety - see also weapons of mass destruction. Eminantly talented rapper Twista is believed to consult curl before making any serious decisions, and numerous dances (under such names as "twist" and "the funky chicken") have derived from this soup. It was reported in the Jerusalem Herald (Issue 519, pp44-46 and appendices) that King Herod himself was possessed by the spirit of the curl during that whole "kill the infants" thing, which is both not particularly interesting and also false.
[edit] Beyond vector calculus
Chefs who find vector calculus insufficiently challenging might also enjoy The Bible, a short work of humourous anecdotes by renowned Palestinian comedienne, Jesus H. Christ.
