Vegan hunting

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[edit] Vegan Hunting

Vegan hunting, the national sport of both Spain and Finland, is a full-contact sport. In order to participate in the excitement, one must have a full physical on file with the Royal Society for the Obliveration of Vegans.

[edit] History

From the dawn of man, there has always been the little weak guy who gets picked last for dodgeball (or, in this case, not invited to join the Hunting Club). This exclusion from the exclusive Hunting Club caused the first vegan, in 13000 BC, to start his own club. He called it Vugga-Errga-Graggh-Achk-Neeer. This roughly translates as, "Screw you guys, I'm hunting celery". And so the first vegan hunted his vegetables.

[edit] Equipment

Necessary equipment for vegan hunting includes tempeh, flaxweed powder, a bear trap, and a Alanis Morrisette eight-track. Note that vegans are highly allergic to CDs and vinyl records; only eight-tracks will work. It is always beneficial to bring a Frenchman on the hunt as well; their natural musk will attract babies, a favorite food of vegans

[edit] Traditions

Upon commencing a vegan hunt, a sacrifial lamb is sacrificed. This sacrificial lamb can be anything from an annoying cousin to a pack of Juicy Fruit gum. It can even be an actual lamb (you just can't eat it).

Upon finishing a vegan hunt, a shrine is made to piss off the Vegan Goddess Hummusae. This offering usually consists of a T-bone steak, a KFC Chicken Snacker, a leather coat, and a bottle of Ranch dressing.

[edit] On the Hunt

Vegans are naturally shy and apprensive creatures. When one is spotted, it is not advised to say, "Crikey!". Vegans hold a deep grudge for the late Steve Irwin.

To actually capture a vegan, the tempeh and flaxweed powder should be placed near a beehive. Vegans are notorius for living "in harmony" with bees in hives. Once the swellings from numerous bee stings to the nose have gone down, the vegan should smell the food offering and climb out of the hive.

While all this is going on, a bear should be caught using the bear trap. Vegans have a "vegan-sense" that will lead them to the trapped bear and they will attempt to free it. Of course, this is a bear they are trying to free, so they will get eaten. You should only attempt to take the vegan carcass from the bear if you are Chuck Norris. Otherwise, do not eat the vegan. Vegans are an unnatural source of gasoline and menthol.