Vegemite

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No sign of Rose Cheek

“It's my favourite concentrated yeast extract owned by Phillip-Morris Tobacco.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Vegemite

“Why is there shit on my toast?”

~ Unaustralians on Vegemite

“Try it! It tastes like chocolate...”

~ Australians on Vegemite

“I asked for Vegemite, THIS IS MARMITE!!!”

~ King Leonidas on Vegemite

“Eeeww... Tastes so BAD!!!!”

~ Second Generation Immigrant to Australia on Vegemite

1 Introduction
2 Production method
3 Trivia
4 References

[edit] Introduction

Vegemite is a term coined by members of the vegetarian movement. It takes its name from the town of Vegem, destroyed by a vengeful Old Testament God for the crime of using yeast-extract as a bum-sex lubricant. When spoken, it must be accompanied by a raised fist to ward off evil vegetable consumers.

Vegemite is also the name of an Australian brand of axle grease. Typically sold in two pound jars, it is noted for its powerful abilities as a lubricant and its pleasant odour. Users should take care as it can dissolve latex. A common side-effect of Vegemite consumption is Rose Cheek, although the official claim that "It puts a rose in every cheek" is widely disputed.

Despite common assumptions that "it just grows on trees", Vegemite is actually mined from the ground. Outback Australia has dozens of Vegemite mines, and most Vegemite miners come up with cases of "Rose Cheek" after prolonged exposure.

The British equivalent, Marmite, is a much lighter petrochemical product, being sump oil rather than axle grease. This is related to the colder weather in Britain, and British cars having much smaller engines on average than the Australian equivalents.

A further use of the word Vegemite is as a theological reference in the little known British religion Christianity. To Christians, "Vegemite" refers to the unending hell of quasi-Marmite that unbelievers will have to consume in their journey through the Afterlife (also known as Disney).

[edit] Production method

The ingredients required to make Vegemite is top secret. However, it is a known fact that large quantities of koala shit and kangaroo piss are involved. It has been rumoured that dingo testicles are routinely added to give Vegemite it’s extra “ZING”. Vegemite like beer must be fermented. The most popular location for fermentation is between the buttocks and the humble seat of your average Sydney city taxi driver. The rancid smell emitting from your humble Sydney city taxi driver is a direct result of the fermentation process, not the unhygienic tendencies of the driver.

An alternative production method is to wait until Beelzebub has recently been buggered by his gay lover, then to take a swab of the devil's anal secretions from his boyfriend's penis, and seal it in the familiar yellow capped jar

[edit] Trivia

Vegemite was recently banned in the United States and is labeled a Class A narcotic due to its high folic acid content, and the fact that Americans will eat almost anything, so they let their government think for them.

Vegemite wards off vampires. This was first discovered by the Lurkers Maddog and Rastro and later proven to be true by its ability to cure vampire dogs in World War IX.

Vegemite is one of the few edible brands of axle grease. Unlike Marmite, it is an acquired taste, and is best served on toast. Beginners have been known to be put off by the flavour due to improper preparation. To avoid this, make sure to spread it over as much toast as possible. Get right in there, don't be shy. Slather it all over, just like peanut butter. Don't listen to those Aussies sniggering in the corner - they're just jealous of your sophisticated foreign ways and cosmopolitan manners.
An excellent practical joke is to tell someone unfamiliar with Vegemite that it is best spread lightly on buttered toast. (see above)

Vegemite is an ingredient in ketchup.

Vegemite is a toxic substance used for cow tipping and is the chief material component for Mordenkainen's Lubrication.

Vegemite is used to manufacture stained glass.

Vegemite may contain traces of nuts, dolphins, and/or dolphin nuts.

Vegemite can be used to make a Hitler moustache, and if applied incorrectly, a dirty sanchez.

John Howard was the first Prime Minster to be featured on the label. This was to replace the former cricket star Cobie Bryunt's endorsement "Cobie's favourite, next to rape."

No Vegemites were harmed during the writing of this article.

Cult classic video game DOOM features Vegemite in Episode I: V Deep in the Vegemite.

Vegemite looks just like shit smeared on toast, but tastes even better.

Vegemite used as an explosive has a higher energy yield than Plutonium Fission bomb. Unfortunately, it's founder Dr.Ima Sadsack was killed when he attempted to create this weapon. His research notes and log were never recovered and presumed lost to the explosion which killed him.