Vegetable

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

(Redirected from Vegetables)

Vegetables. The round things on the left are called tomatoes. The phallic orange things are carrots, apparently. I'm reliably informed that the big white bugger is something called a flower and the purple and brown spheroids next to it are onions. Christ alone knows what all that green stuff is. Surely you can't eat green stuff, can you?

“I can resist anything but Purple Sprouting Brocolli.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Vegetables

“Eat your vegetables or you'll DIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

~ Marilyn Manson on Clone high

“In russia, vegetable eats YOU!!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Vegetables

Many people believe that the so-called "vegetable" is a form of food product in which it is ingested through the mouth. We, the people of America, however, know that a vegetable is actually a Martian form of cheese. Unlike the earth's cheese, however, vegetables cause bad gas and hallucinations. Although edible, over dosage of vegetables cause the consumer to collapse into a state of unconsciousness.

Audrey II: The most famous living vegetable ever known

1 Living vegetables
2 Vegetable manufacture
3 Side effects
- 3.1 Side effects
4 Precautions
5 Common Vegetables
6 Vegetable addiction
7 Should You Eat Your Vegetables?
8 References
9 See also

[edit] Living vegetables

Many living animals are actually vegetables! A famous living vegetable of all time was Audrey II.^[1] The most common forms of living vegetables are the meat eating carnivorous Venus flytraps.

[edit] Vegetable manufacture

Vegetables are the most sofisticated kind of animalistic food known to man. It is produced by running over pedestrians, thus making them comatose and fit for being hooked up to expensive hospital gear. Different kinds of vegetables are harvested from different kinds of people. The carrot is for instance derived from irish people's penises.

[edit] Side effects

Vegetable overdoses usually do not occur unless a seriously excessive amount of vegetables have been consumed (more than 3 ounces). However, smaller doses (as little as a teaspoonful or less) can cause troubling side effects. Subjects of Britain suffer from chronic overdose due to the Surgeon Corporal's advice to consume at least five portions of fruit and vegetables a day to avoid Mad Cow Disease.

[edit] Side effects

Healthiness
Desire to exercise
Decrease of Insomnia
Reducing the chance of a heart attack
Reducing internet use to under 8 hours daily
Enjoying Uwe Bowl films
Running out of Toilet Paper
Reading Atlas Shrugged whole
2 hour orgasms

[edit] Precautions

It is important to know what to do when approached by a dangerous vegetable:

Run as far away as you can while shouting "Paris Hilton!" (This will hopefully give other people who have heard you the chance to run away)
When you finally reach a point of safety, lock all windows and doors and bathe yourself in holy water to rid the essence of vegetables.
If for any reason you come in contact with the vegetable, flush the affected part with cool running water for at least 15 minutes, pat dry, and apply strips of fatty, uncooked bacon immediately.

[edit] Common Vegetables

Mistakenly thought of as a fruit, the coconut is a small hairy skull that when planted will grow into a gorilla. Cracking a coconut open reveals a chewy fibrous white meat and a translucent liquid. These substances are the embryonic form of the gorilla's brain.
Cabbage is not a vegetable. It's a rabid murderous killer.
Broccoli is one of God's deadliest creations. The broccoli was once a tree. Before it was shrunken down it was filled with plaster and a sticky green substance causing it to mutate and grow spores. The spores will break off and pollinate the world eventually, causing everyone to grow moustaches.
Spinach has been widely condemned in certain parts of California as "the world's most evil vegetable." This is because of the three pieces of tainted spinach that caused an E.Coli outbreak in 2004. Today, a group of vigilantes in California has declared a War on Spinach. They have killed thousands of pieces of spinach so far, and sent Popeye into hiding.
Beets are masters of disguise. The vegetable family's "spy," in essence. While sliced, they cleverly disguise themselves as Cranberry Jelly and hide in with all the fruits at the salad bar. You think you are picking up some fruit from the selection but noooo, you take one bite into that fucker and it blows up your jaw, pelvic region, and the nearest small child (just because it can). It's best to just avoid both Cranberry Jelly and beets, to avoid any chance of mistaking them from one another.

[edit] Vegetable addiction

Vegetable addiction, also known as vegetarianism is a serious disease contracted by thousands each year. It is spread by hippies, health care professionals, and some insects, and is a common side effect of Hinduisim, Dieting, or simply being emo. If you think you or a loved one might be a vegetarian, consult your physician immidietly.

Colin Stodmarsh of Two Humps was briefly addicted to Purple Sprouting Brocolli.
George Washington was addicted to Cherry "Tomatoes", the rare vegetable counterpart of the Tomato (pronounced tuh-mah-toe)
Individuals who frequently browse through the comic sections of their local newspaper may find themselves addicted to peanuts for unknown reasons

[edit] Should You Eat Your Vegetables?

No, absolutely not.You are eating the Vegetable gremlin and, contrary to popular belief, they will not make you big and strong. Instead they may make you more susceptible to diseases such as scurvy, HIV, and daytime television. It is a proven fact that the only vegetable capable of enhancing physical capabilities is tobacco, which is an anabolic steroid. This was discovered in the late 1800's by the well known sailor, Popeye, who used unhealthy amounts of the leaf to enhance his abilities as a professional race car driver . This was later made into a documentary, however tobacco was substituted with spinach as it is one of the Colonel's 11 Secret Herbs and Spices.

Template:Infobox Person