Velociraptor

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Velociraptors are really fucking scary, as well as their relatives, the anorexicraptors.

[edit] Know thine enemy

The velociraptor is a bipedal carnivore with a long, stiffened tail and can be distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long and low skull, with an upturned snout. It bores a relatively large, sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs. This enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6 in) long around its outer edge, is a predatory device, used to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal blow. Not to be confused with the slightly more advanced Raptor.

Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands, converted to millionaire amusement parks (See Jurassic Park), but are, due to global warming, commonly being seen all over the world. Of the essential facts you should know about velociraptors:

• Velociraptors have no natural enemies, aside from possibly echidnae. An echidna can be used as a last-resort defense mechanism if thrown at a velociraptor's eyes. This seems to deter them somewhat.
• Velociraptors hunt in packs, and are known to form an equilateral triangle around its prey.
• Velociraptors can accelerate 4 m/s squared, with a top speed of 25 m/s on open terrain, 10 m/s while wounded, and 10 m/s in indoor laboratories.
• Velociraptors can open doors, but are slowed by them. They can open an initial door in approximately 5 minutes, and will take half that time for each subsequent door.
• Velociraptors do not know fear.
• While velociraptors prefer to attack young children and 50-year-old virgins, they will not hesitate to kill and possibly eat any and all members of the public.
• Velociraptors are believed to be behind the Nigerian scam that has been circulating around the internet.
• You are vulnerable to velociraptor attacks if you don't close your parentheses.
• Velociraptors were responsible for 9/11.

[edit] Safety around Velociraptors

Velociraptors will attack on the street or in the house; their preferred method is to wear disguises such as trench-coats, mustaches, and Darth Vader voice changers. Warn your children against any strangers offering them candy, sex, or ultimate power over the galaxy. Several safety precautions that one can take include:

• Never, ever being more than 20 feet away from a tire iron.
• Carrying an assault rifle at all times loaded with 100-round snail clips
• Driving around in an armored personnel carrier
• Keeping an echidna somewhere on you at all times. Possibly strapped to your head as a spiky helmet.
• Teaching your children the 'kill' spots on velociraptors
• Wearing clean underwear at all times
• Refraining from having wild, promiscuous, binge sex with odd-looking lizards. This is called bestiality and is frowned upon in all societies.
• Keeping a copy of the Holy Bible on your person at all times as a last-resort bludgeoning tool
• Keeping an Orange Traffic Cone from Home Depot near you at all times
• Note that velociraptors WILL BE ABLE TO SEE YOU if you stand still. Keep a cloaking device handy at all times.
• Keep adrenaline shots nearby. These will give you a temporary boost of energy that might save your life.
• Don't go into the long grass.

[edit] New Home Buyer Tips

When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing potential velociraptor attacks:

• Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid oak or steel. Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the average raptor (ideally less then 2 metres wide/tall).
• Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased at your local Home Depot.
• Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every door. Remember, you should never be farther than 20 feet away from a tire iron.
• Doors should also have bolt locks, preferably non-electronic. Standard door handles should be replaced with handles set into the doors. This will delay velociraptor door-opening significantly.
• Velociraptors are really flipping scary.

[edit] Origins

Nobody really knows where these creatures came from, or how they were made. One theory, the Single Egg Theory, postulates that they hatched from an egg left in Hell's Kitchen for three days and three nights. Critics of this theory point out that this does not account for the trench-coats commonly worn by velociraptors. Other academics support the Batman theory. This suggests that after Dick Grayson was born to Batman, he changed his name to Dick Tracy and invented the trench-coat. He then stole all of Batman's cool shit and created the velociraptors, giving them trench-coats as they were born. Strangely, these coats never require dry-cleaning.

Another, more reasonable theory, is that they were created by some rich billionaire with nothing better to do. They subsequently escaped, and have been rampaging around the world ever since. No-one knows where the trench-coates come from.