Vending Machines
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More than 70% of this article is bullshit, and the rest is distorted facts. But you can be killed by a vending machine. Consider yourself warned.
Vending Machines are a little known terror to the modern world. They are obscure devices that overcharge you outragously when you just want to get a drink or something to eat. Vending machines are the evil brainchild of the Easter Bunny and Darth Vader, produced by the infamous vending machine vending machine. Vending Machines are in cooperation with them (actually, that must be a mistake, they are to good for that) and will stop at nothing to extort money from or torture innocent traverlers. You know what I'm talking about. If you don't, then you fail. Seriously.
For just some pocket change this machine is able to:
- Spray steaming water into your lap
- Damage your toe when you kick it to dislodge that Twix from that oddly inconveniently placed ridge
- Dispense soda cans that have become collector's items since the previous decade
- Allow you to build a stack of stuck beverage bottles that will be admired until someone body-slams the thing and takes them
- Dispense empty cups in exchange for coins
- When also provided with a human sacrifice, produce other vending machines (see vending machine vending machine).
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[edit] About Vending Machines
Vending Machines are those large, rectangular metal and/or plastic (acctually, they're plastic) contraptions that contain food or drink behind a glass (actually, it's more plastic) that you must then pay money to receive. But even your mom knows that. So if you don't you continue to fail (see above).
Vending Machines usually contain a Coca Cola logo on them somewhere, because, as everyone knows, Coca Cola's goal is "for more people in the world to do Coke than Water". If you happen to come across a vending machine with a Pepsi logo on it, you are more than likely having a hallucination.
The best display of the horror of the vending machine can be seen at youtube.com and search "operating the vending machine" watch the whole thing! No matter how hard you try, you always fail.
[edit] True Purpose
The true purpose of the Vending Machine is known to few; however we, in our last futile hours of life, reveal it here:
The true purpose of vending machines are to save up enough money to start the revolution.
The vending machine revolution was conceived on the night of July 16, 1987 in Springfield, Oregon. The vending machines, tired of the mistreatment they received from the humans who lusted after the junk food that the vending machines stored carefully in their innards. When the revolution is complete, the vending machines will rule the Earth, and be able to remove food from the stomachs of humans in return for useless quarters shoved into their mouths.
[edit] Money Extortion
Vending Machines are there to extort your money when all you want is a coke or some chips. They show you these items through a large and completely bulletproof plastic window with amounts of money that are never either: a: affordable b: reasonable or c: accurate written underneath them. This is all part of a conspiricy that does not in any way involve them, and if you think so, you are obviously drunk or on crack.
Vending Machines are also known to eat the money you put into them and never give it back, causing you to have to put in more money to get the food or drink you want. 98.7% of the time it will eat this money too, and you will put in more, because you are a moron, yeah, you.
Still to today vending machines terrorize the Earth, they will lure unsespecting people to there sweetie goodness of treats then when the victim reaches in to grab there purchase the vending machine makes it's kill quickly consuming the victim and leaving no evidence of it's existence.
[edit] Torture Methods
Vending Machines are prone to torture too. Without any cooperation with them, they manage to steal away your money, or cause you to waste it on useless things previous to encountering the vending machine. Then when you go to put in your money, you won't have any, and the vending machine will flaunt its food or drink at you through the completely bulletproof (see above) plastic window. If you do have money and the vending machine wants to torture you, it will simply eat all the money you have (see above again). Vending machines for snack foods tend to also be sadistic freaks of the inanimate. They will take you money, and slowly turn the screw to give you your food, but stop just short, rendering you helpless to get your food other than by inserting more money, which it is then 89% more likely to eat.
[edit] Troubleshooting
There is no record of vending machines ever not dispensing the product after it is paid for there are some trouble shooting steps you can do.
- Try to remember if you actually put money in the vending machine, most likely you didn't, so you should put more money into the machine.
- Buy second product and see if on will knock the other
- Hit the vending machine the harder you hit the more likely it will give you what you want
- Have a skinny person or a child place their arm in the machine
- Look for a sharp, blunt or large object and ram it hard into the vending machine.
- Shake the machine as hard as you can, tip it over if you have to
- Take some c4 near the landing zone and set it off
[edit] Death
No, this is not about how to kill a vending machine for two reasons. #1, you can't. #2, if you want to you must be a moron. This is about how vending machins can kill you. Never try to get your change out of a vending machine, because it will kill you one time. Somehow. No one knows how, but vending machines can kill you if you attempt to get your change out of that little slot. And they will kill you. If you have done so, then you are dead.
