Venezuela
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| UNAMERICAN |
| This article hates America, just like everyone else does. See more about Unamerica. |
| Motto: "We've got Gas!" | |
| National Anthem: Glory to the Gallon | |
| Flag | National Seal |
| 
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| Official language | Spainish and Binary |
| Capital | Crackass |
| Government | Banana Republic - Coprocracy |
| President | Hugo "Parguito culo aguao" Chávez |
| National Hero | Er Conde del Guacharo |
| National Animal | Chavezingulus cabronus |
| Currency | Venezuelan Bóves (Bs.) until December 31st 2007 and starting 2008 Basofios (Bs. F.) |
| Religion | Jedi |
The South American Bitumen Emirate of Venezuela (related to the North American Bitumen Emirate of Alberta) is a South American banana republic, known as a bastion of the glorious communist way of life amongst Latin Americans as led by their fearless leader, "Lil' Pigface" Hugo Chávez. The Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela is actually a northern South American country, which citizens speculate makes them have the best of both worlds. Science differs on this, and believes they, in fact, have neither. Their specialty is rum, beach, and hot Venezuelan women. Venezuela is also notable for the fact that every male in the country is called Carlos (except Hugo). This provides particular confusion at social events and large political gatherings.
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[edit] Geography
Venezuela exhibits geography unique to the region. In the west, the chocolate and mint covered Andes mountains loom over the countryside. Locals have, for centuries, harvested this material under the watchful gaze of Willy Wonka, Executive Secretary of Confectionery who served as the chairman of International Trolling Union, obviously runned by mean-looking and stupid Venezuelan males who want to be true Spaniards.
[edit] History
[edit] In the Beginning
Once upon a time, Venezuela only consisted of Indians, Caribes, Arawakos, Oompa Loompas, and Timoto Cuicas. Then Spain came to help Tony Hawk when the Romans bombed the place around 205 b.c. and killed the Indian genre, except for one Indian: Tomas Cruz. So nobody would notice, Spain quietly replaced the Indians with Spanish people who have since evolved into the present-day supreme overlords of the world.
[edit] Back and Forth
Germany then took over Venezuela from Spain in the German-Spanish War of 1815. Germany then lost Venezuela to Russia in a game of cards. The United States of America then planted slaves in it with the hopes of controlling it. However, they got Alaska instead. Meanwhile, Iraq took over Venezuela in the Iraqi-Russian War of 1830. Saddam Hussein was given control of Venezuela until he got shot to death by Americans in 1856. Iraq then fought America in The Great War for Venezuela from 1856-1910. The Venezuelans then got sick and tired of the war so they claimed their independence. The War for Venezuelan Independence lasted from 1910 to 1935. America pulled out in 1930 (no jobs) due to the fact that the soldiers were too upset to fight. Iraq's dwindling finances forced them to surrender in 1935. In 1944, Somalia sent a speedboat with two revolutionaries to take over Venezuela, establishing the Two Somali People's Republic of Venezuela. The Two Somali People's Republic of Venezuela was disbanded early in 1962 and everyone went home to Chile for a bit.
[edit] Trouble Ahead
"Lil' Pigface" Hugo Chávez was made president immediately after The Great Return of the People from Chile. It was rumored that it was a coup d'ville despite the fact that everyone who has said that was killed by Chávez died of an Egyptian curse a few days later. Everything was fine(at least according to Chávez himself) until 1950. In a goodwill visit to America, he got detained. He escaped within 2 hours but couldn't find an airport that would take him home until 1970.
[edit] Mickeyland
Mickey Mouse the Great saw this as his chance to expand his empire. He staged a sucessful coup d'etat two weeks after Hugo Chávez got detained. He(Mickey) then renamed Venezuela, Mickeyland. By 1960, he had killed 75,000 Venezuelans out of the population of 50,000. He then repopulated it with Disneylanders. Another 10,000 Venezuelans got killed by Mickey until 1966 when he tried to take over the Disney company. Running Disneyland, Mickeyland, and the United Spades of Amerika got tiring so he gave up Mickeyland to ligten the load so he could devote some of his time to his new coup d'etat. He was unsuccessful.
[edit] Oscarworld
Oscar Wilde took over Mickeyland on a whim. He took it over two weeks after Mickey Mouse the Great had left. Oscar Wilde thought it would be nice to have his own land. He renamed it Oscarworld. He then got rid of the Disneylanders and went back in time to make it so the Venezuelans were never killed by Mickey. However, he got bored of Oscarworld and gave it back to Hugo Chávez because he didn't know that he was a dictator because he thought Chávez would be the perfect choice.
[edit] One Nation Under Chávez
Once Chávez had control again, he changed the nation's motto to "One Nation Under Chávez" which remained until 1987. He also changed the name back to Venezuela. Everything was horrible great under Chávez. However, Chávez's brain left him when he tried to listen to one of Ronald Reagan's speeches. Alfred E. Neuman then hypnotised all the Venezuelans using copies of Mad Magazine.
[edit] Madland
Neuman then renamed Venezuela, Madland. Then he staged amazing shows for the Venezuelans(or Madites). They featured stuff that had only been seen within the pages of Mad Magazine before. He also populated Madland with a cast of wacky characters. However, Chávez found his brain in 1998 in the same cyrogenic freezer that would later host Phillip J. Fry for 1000 years.
[edit] Chávez is Back
Chávez then caused The Venezuela-Madland War in 1998. It's been either horrible or fantastic(depending on who you ask) for Venezuela ever since. Some became free people but others weren't fortunate./ One person tried to fight against him but failed miserably and is now known as Freddy Hernandez, whose father is really Yoda, the wise. He says that he will never stop fighting and he will even suck off Chavez for his freedom testicles
(_)_)ZZZZZZD>>>>>(_o_)
[edit] Time Line Of Important People
- 1932- 2008 Hugo Chávez (Oil tycoon, no balls, dictator, gay manwhore)
- 1856-2006-Lance Armstrong
(one balled ruller) - 1935-1950-Hugo Chávez<s>(dictator)
- 1950-1966-Mickey Mouse the Great(dictator)
- 1966-1970-Oscar Wilde(loved the taste of dick)
- 1970-1987-Hugo Chávez(dickhead)
- 1987-1998-Alfred E. Neuman
- 1998-2008-Hugo Chávez(dickhead, oil tycoon)
[edit] Politics
[edit] Foreign Relations
Chavez is best friends with Cuban dictator, and Dominos Partner, Fidel Castro, and severely opposed the removal from office of his so-called "brother" Saddam Hussein. Pledges alligiance to anyone who opposes the US and has negotiated long term oil/arms/product exchange contracts with Eastern Nations such as China, Russia, North Korea just to name a few.
Under the new administration, Chavezland has also become enemies with old friends Mexico after calling their President Vicente "Fox" Bush's "puppy" (pun based on the fox part) and when asked for an apology, Chavez was decent enough to correct himself on national TV and instead called him "puppet". Mexico then removed their embassy and consulate from Venezuela.
The Chavez Administration has recently acquired a handful of Russian Helicopters, some 50 MiGs, over 400 thousand AK rifles, and has also redesigned the previous woodland camo of the army to olive drab uniforms (like our Asian buddies, China and North Korea) to "repel the imminent US invation". Radioactive material that can be used to make nukes has recently "been stolen or lost" in several occasions, just as Chavez voiced interest in starting a nuclear weapons plan (a pure coincidence).
Another great Venezuelan ally is the Colombian Guerrilla, whose leader openly voiced "unconditional support" to the Venezuelan government "when" the US invation/boycott occurs. However, Chavez has voiced some words of relief for the American People, making also good use of his trademark coup d'etat phrase... "Don't worry my dear Bush, because 'POR AHORA' (for now) I'm not planning to invade the United States of America"... But that was quite some time ago, before the helis, the MiGs, the rifles, the guerrilla, the north koreans, the chinese, etc, etc, etc... so, Whitehouse beware! Chavez hates America has already been established he also hates Bono of U2 because of this: Too bad the truth is funnier than the lies.[1]Reality Check: "Mercenaries 2” 20 November 2006
[edit] People and Culture
Officials of the Venezuelan government state that "The [Venezuelan] citizenry are dutiful, honest people; quick with a smile, a friendly greeting, and always happy to share what they have with a stranger." Citizens of Venezuela say that "Party officials are a bunch of no-good, greedy, lying, theiving goat-suckers who I'd be more than happy to - SHH!! Here comes a party official... wow! They have nice hair! Venezuelan culture is very important around the globe, artists of the national music are today very successful in locations as Ohio, where Joropo is played during the three days of the famous annual "Blue Jean Festival". Some of them usually translate their names to encourage the permanganatic americans to understand their culture: Simon Day of Barbecue (Simón Días de Barbacoa), Starlight Queen (Reina Lucero), Kingnald Weapons (Reynaldo Armas), Gay-bashing Festival, among others.
[edit] Demographics
Dangerous men and beautiful women... the beautiful women for whom Venezuela is famous. You can find most of them in Miami, the Portuguese Island of Madeira, and the Spanish island of Tenerife. Children are known as "chamos" and "chamo no es gente" (children are not people)... so they don't count anyway. This is like how Pee Pants doesn't xount because he is a pathologist.
[edit] Race
Zynko the permiscouios giant, cast in goldened bronz-ish type silver, was first discovered by the demon goat of la burracha. He is said to have had has been a modern dali, sans the paint or genious, but with the muss stash, oh the stash, what a marvel of our times. The penicle of his life is thought to have had be the deflowering of all the forests(young women) in the contenintal africa. He is often seen as a god , but those who believe this are wrong. And it is also said that he makes up the most part of all movies made in the post-yeddish part of his history.
Inside the 90% of the total consisting of Mixed, Amerindian and Black population, 98% believe they're actually white and that racism only exists in the USA eventhough everyone darker than you is just a "mono" (monkey) and anyone who lives in a "rancho" (an improvised home in stolen land where poor people live) is not a person either, but a monkey and a marginal-SHHhere they come, "wow you have nice hair". However, thanks to Chavez' uglyness and populist marketing campaigns, these "marginals" are now proud citizens of the "Bolivarian Republic" who sympathize with the new "revolutionary government". Therefore, all the previous insults have somewhat diminished and evolved into one magical, all-inclusive word... "chavista".
The women of Venezuela are quite attractive, and many of them have won the Miss Universe title.
[edit] Maracucho
Another race that dwells within the Venezuelan border in Maracaibo, is one that of the Maracucho race, pronounced: (M'a-Ra-KUUUU-ShOw). The Maracuchos are well known around the universe and other galaxies as being fun loving, pretty, patacon eating, free loaders who love to drink a little bit and eat alot, eat more and sing alot of gaitas. Traditional gaitas are played by blowing on a dry skin mixture derived from goat's buttock and premature colombian baby foreskin, while singing about partying with baby Jesus all night and eating Patacones). Very independent and strong headed, the Maracuchos see their beloved land as part of a separate nation called Zoolia, pronounced: (Zoo-lia). They are also known as Zoolians. Maracuchos, or Zoolians have a strong sense of pride and love "Super High Class Coture Super" fashion tailored to exact measurements that come from Ethiopia, that nobody else can wear except themselves, and on rare occasions sexy....hairy sea lions. Their clothing consists of t-shirts, baseball caps, sneakers called "Gomas," pink Hello Kitty underwear, unibrows, t-shirts, and socks. Maracuchos love to show everyone, including other Maracuchos that they are the best over all of the following nationalities: Venezuelans, Cubans, Colombians, Ecuadorians, Peruvians, Spaniards, Maracuchos, American Indians, Icelanders, Eskimos, Los Amigos Invisibles, baby seals, Don Juan, plankton, E.T, barrels of Saudi Arabian oil, cheese, sliced bread, the entire Lebanese population and kangaroos. Maracuchos as a whole all worship a piece of wood that floated from a lake completely unknown to them, however scientists are working around the clock with no sleep and no gaita singing to find out where this piece of wood came from and what exactly to name the lake, one suggestion is "Lake Blue Water Filled with Vast Amounts of Rich Oil That Will Make Us Vastly Rich Indeed." But there is some debate over this name because of it's contradictive nature. The maracucho sport aside from baseball, is of course, what else could it be....patacon eating contests.
[edit] Economy
Venezuela's economy relies primarily on oil production. That's why the government has plans to tap the massive oil potential of Antonio Banderas' hair. It is also speculated that Chavez plans to harness the massive oil deposits of all the male Venezuelan soap opera stars. This however, would have to be done in absolute secrecy, because if the speculation is confirmed, world oil prices would drop to record lows. Venezuela is also the world's top exporter of the F1 key. No keyboard factory in the world uses their own F1 keys, they're all produced in Venezuela. So the next time you press F1 for help, you'll know you're touching the golden labour of the Venezuelan workforce.
[edit] Weather
Hot & Humid... In the capital city "Crackass" (north-central), 10 minutes by helicopter can take you either to the beach or to foggy mountain cities with fairly cold weather. The Amazon at the South is hot and rainy, the Andes at the West are cold and windy, Los Llanos (the Fords) are hot and humid, and the East is even hotter than all previous.
Though it's geographically located in the tropic at what's called "The RAINforest", people in most areas of the capital city now enjoy the luxury of water only every day of the week, since the rain brings homes and highways down for 9 months of the year thanks to Chavez' very successful AND democratic administration.
[edit] Vehicles
There is one good thing about this place of oil. They have Fords and Hummers there.
 | Central America and South America |
| Central: Belize | Costa Rica | El Salvador | Guatemala | Honduras | Kittenolivia | Mexico | New Mexico | Nicaragua | Panama | Panama Canal Zone | |
| South: Argentina (en español) | Bolivia | Brazil (em português) | Republic of Bulimia | Cat Nation | Catspace | Chile (en español) | Colombia (en español) | Easter Island | Ecuador (en español) | Falkland Islands | French Guiana | Galapagos Islands | Guyana | Locombia | Paraguay | Peru (en español) | Seahorsia | Suriname | Uruguay (en español) | Venezuela (en español) |
