Vic Reeves

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Victoria always insisted on bathing fully clothed, to preserve her trademark smell of cucumber

“OOOOVAAAVUUUU”

~ Vic Reeves on acid

Victoria Potato Reeves (1406-present) is a has-been comedian who was funny once but has since got old and as we all know, old people aren't funny. So now instead of laughing at his jokes, people just laugh at him and gladly take every opportunity to punch and kick him in the head.

[edit] TV Stuff

He is best known for his 'comedy' game-show Shooting Blanks, co-hosted by his brother and part-time sexual slave Bob Mortimer (aka 'Blow-job Bob'). The show got its name because of Vic's unfortunate condition whereby his penis is rendered completely useless and barely visible (Tini-Peni syndrome). So Vic has to instead spend the show rubbing his thighs vigourously over the nearest female (or male) contestant and the winner is the one who brings him to climax first (usually Phill Jupitus)

Other poor fuckers who were forced to endure this perverted spectacle included 50's throwback Mark Lamarr, Will 'plays with him' Self, Johnny 'Belly the size of Las' Vegas and Ulrika-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka Johnsson. After blowing his load, Vic then insisted on telling a painfully piss-poor joke which would inevitably always be followed by complete silence, a howling wind, and a tumbleweed blowing across the set.

Another dismal attempt at entertainment was the pathetic excuse for a show called Vic Reeves' Big Night In, basically a fly-on-the-wall documentary which gave the viewers the delightful treats of Vic tucking into a pizza or Pot Noodle, watching a movie (usually Brokeback Mountain) and then wanking himself to sleep. Obviously it was crap and no-one watched it (apart from everyone in England)

[edit] Some random questions from Shooting Blanks

Every now and then to keep the show remotely interesting, Vic and Bob would read out some questions and the other contestants would have to guess the answers. Here are some examples:

• True or False: William Shatner's real name is actually Bill Shit (True)

• True or False: Inside every cat there is trapped a rabbit, and when a cat says "miaow", it is actually the rabbit saying "get me out" (True)

• True or False: The World is a spherical shape (False)

• True or False: Super Mario is the current Chancellor of the Exchequer (True)

• True or False: Human Beings need to breathe air to survive (False)

• True or False: All of your friends have slept with your Mom (True)

• True or False: William Shatner's real name is actually Bill Shit (False)

[edit] Early Life

Vic liked to lick curtains with eyes on them.

Vic has recently entered the record books as the first person to be born as a result of anal intercourse. Apparently after a passionate night of bum fun between Graham Norton and Rolf Harris, Vic was conceived from Mr Harris's harris in the early evening. He was originally thought to be a turd and was about to be flushed to his death until Rolf heard a faint, high-pitched scream of 'Please Mr Harris!! Nooooo!!!' and he was rescued.

Unfortunately the pair have regretted that decision ever since as he has now grown up to be a fully-grown turd as well as a pathetic excuse for a human being in general. They have since tried to flush him back down the toilet again in an attempt to kill him once and for all, with little success.

[edit] Family

Vic accidentally married Christopher Reeves in 1903 and they had three children, Ovavu, Iranu and Keanu. They currently live in a tent in the middle of the M25 where they are ran over and spat on 24/7.

[edit] Facts (probably)

• It is a well-known fact that if you face North-East at the stroke of midnight and shout 'OVAVU' forty times at the top of your lungs in quick succession, you are a fucking idiot.

• Vic likes nothing more than to spend his evenings pouring Golden Grahams onto a shrimp's eye.

• Vic and Bob really wanna see those fingers.

• Bizarrely, Vic and Bob have synchronized toilet habits, and have to visit the lavatory at exactly the same time as each other. Even more bizarrely, the pair always insist on sharing a cubicle.

• Vic single-handedly won the 1974 European Championships, holding a tired-looking Germany to a 1-1 draw in the final before beating them on penalties.

• Loves to make love to the Dove from Above with a glove.

• Vic's hobbies include jumping out of planes without a parachute, collecting the fetuses of aborted children and sucking up crumbs and fluff from the carpet via a straw.

• Bob's hobbies include kicking pregnant women in the stomach, masturbating to the theme tune from The A-Team (in perfect sync), and playing Russian Roulette with a fully-loaded machine gun.

• Vic's testicles are magnetic.