Video game

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“By God's will, I will destroy them all! *foams at the mouth*”

~ Jack Thompson on Video Games

“...wait, what? I don't know that guy. Someone get him some meds.”

~ God on Jack Thompson

“Video Games are the spawn of satan! ”

~ Hilary Clinton on Video Games

“Video Games? Is that what you call those pictures in that box?”

~ John McCain on Any Technology

“In Soviet Russia video games play YOU!!!”

~ Some russian guy on your mom

Video games (see also Murder Simulators) are the primary leisure activity of white American male virgins, stoners and basement dwellers.

A technology created and propagated by the crime lord Bill Gates himself, video games were made illegal soon after its creation in the late twentieth century, but a black market was rapidly created, and the industry thrived. It spread rapidly through the youth of the world, and was soon declared by the World Health Organization to be the most dangerous psychotropic substance in the world.

There is a great amount of documentation concerning the psychotropic nature of video games, especially on how it warps children to the twisted ways of Bill Gates and forces them to buy the products of the Microsoft crime organization. In addition, symptoms including parental disobedience, incoherent speech, dilated pupils, obesity, and overwhelmingly violent tendencies spring up in heavy users.

Various Japanese companies also got in on the market, including Sony and Nintendo. These companies flooded the market with their products, made cheaper and faster by slave labor (well, in Sony's case, maybe just faster).

After reviewing the mistake of their quick judgment of video games, a dimwitted society cowered back to game companies, realizing the error of their ways and requesting they develop a new technology to remove the rods from their delusional, self-important asses.

The Turbographx sold the most units ever of any system, totaling 300 millions units. Most of these were sold to slave labor in Antarctica. This was backed by Hitler, of course.

Many video games revolve around a quest to gain and keep HP, which stands for Hawaiian Punch. This is particularly true of first-person shooters, as evidenced by the splashes of red Hawaiian Punch that escape when the player shoots at someone.

Contents 1 Theological perspective 2 Early Video Games 3 Addiction Problems 4 Lessons Learned from Video Games 5 Oscar Wilde: The Video Game. The Bloodening 6 Science of Video Games 7 WWII Pilot Training 8 THE US MILATERY AND VIDEO GAMES

[edit] Theological perspective

Often video games are cited as definitive proof for the existence of God. "Who but God could have made something so grand and perfect?". It is argued that all of human history has been leading up to the release of Duke Nukem Forever. (Seems like it) Furthermore, theologians argue that God cannot yet release the "final video game" because it would blow your mind. Instead, God had to start out with simpler, spin-the-analog-stick games and then progress to the point we are at today. Religious types unanimously agree that cooler games will come.

[edit] Early Video Games

The first video game was when a French nobleman named Fancyfood Godard shouted up, right, right, up, left, select to a room full of painters who had to paint at 30 frames per second. The first big video game slamsation was Crimean War: Historical Irrelevance which came out in 1703 for the ENIAC computer, which is now known as Luxembourg.

The second video game was made up by SAGA, a breast sagging company. It was actually a porn game, which came out quite popular in the 1720's. The plot was to get laid as fast as possible. Many people died when playing this game due to seizures from the flashing repetitive motions.

However, some insist that the first video game ever created was Doom .0068, which was a simulation of what would happen to Christians if God became angry. It was created by UAC under the guidance of the church in 1681.

[edit] Addiction Problems

Video games can range from your common web page scripted flash game, to your high resolution, M17+ blood and gore CDrom, awesome-o games. In particular, these awesome-o games – but also other types – can cause serious addiction problems, although many people who suffer from this addiction do not even realise that they are under the influence… of computers (pay no attention to the detail of what device you are using to view this page). This means that the heads of game companies are secretly, yet rather loudly yelling “WE HAVE YOU NOW SUCKERS!”

The cause of the addiction is quite simple at root: it’s easier than real life. In real life you have to work to get money to feed yourself, in video games you have to either kill enemies, farm for gold (a term which means spending hours and hours killing enemies) , or buy gold with real money (which is paying other people to kill enemies for hours and hours). In real life, you have to talk to people to people, and if they like you, over time you might become friends, in video games, you can pretend to be anyone you want, and get any friend you want. And finally, in real life your options of travel are walk, boat, drive, bike, and plane. And in video games, your options are walk, boat, drive, ride giant versions of animals, zeppelin, teleportation, and of course blue hedgehogs that run really really fast.

So, we know that the cause of the addition is the lack of cheats in real life, but the hard one is figuring out how to stop people from playing. And the answer is: don’t. Why break them away from the thing they love so much when you can let them continue playing it, without them actually playing it. Change real life into their game... except we might want to leave out the part where you absolutely can’t get over a cardboard box, no matter how hard you mash the jump key. This is no simple task. Changing our everyday life into as much fun as dying over, and over, and over again, and killing people over, and over, and over again is a chore, and is to be dealt with great caution and delicacy. If the gamer is to find out that we’ve substituted their drug for a placebo, they might go freak out and try killing people to gain so called experience points. We need to make sure there are ‘quests’ and ‘rewards’, except instead of please won’t you get rid of those giant rats, I’ll give you one of these steel shield I just happen to have 50 thousand of lying around, it should be you need to go cook dinner for yourself and I’ll give you this *cough* fake *cough* gold. Things that we consider daily tasks then become a quest they will gain something from.

[edit] Lessons Learned from Video Games

• You can press start and select to escape any unwanted situation.
• You can survive a huge rocket to the face as long as you are wearing enough armored breastplates.
• The cops are never around.
• If you get killed, you can come back if you typed down the right password.
• You can enter people's houses and trash it completely without them caring.
• Food found inside barrels and crates is always healthy for you.
• If someone is not wearing the same clothes as you, shoot them.
• You will never get tired.
• Shotguns are found everywhere.
• You can eat huge cakes and Turkeys in the ground on one single gulp.
• You can roll a ball that keeps growing constantly while sticking people to it without no one ever stopping you.
• WINNERS DON'T USE DRUGS!
• Duke Nukem must die
• You can poke people until they start blurting out funny comments or star trek quotes.
• You're a damn Noob!
• Samurai and Dynasty warriors Could take 1000s of arrows and were just pushed away slightly when chopped with a giant axe or bombed with a ninja grenade.
• Ninjas run around in the open cutting people at random, they can deflect bullets too.
• Whenever you get attacked by bad guys, the world starts going into slow motion.
• Once you clear life, it all starts again in a harder difficulty level.
• Killing strippers may summon large quantities of vengeful aliens.
• Watch out for leaves unless you are a furry fan or a fat plumber.
• When you beat your enemies they start flashing and totally dissipate.
• If you have a dog or a cat, its probably bulletproof.
• Toilets are usually inaccessible.
• You kick ass and chew bubblegum, but for some reason you are always out of gum.
• Mars = Hell
• If a elevator works, its probably going to fail the second you enter it.
• Innocents always take less damage before dieing.
• Nothing stands against Psycho Power.
• Your best friend is always the bad guy
• Most sexy babes are badass assassins too
• Americans are your friends and protect you from evils such as Americans
• You need a power up to swim.
• No one will attack you while you strike a cool pose
• Humming into a microphone makes you famous (singstar cheat)
• When you are hurt, your attacks do twice the damage
• Steroids should be used whenever found, as they increase your speed for 20 seconds
• Native Americans will usually kill you on sight
• Black guys are always gangstas
• You're a pussy if being attacked by a giant-ass robot that fires nukes makes you pee on yourself.
• You're probably a clone of Big Boss
• Superman actually sucks
• DO NOT PURSUE LU BU!
• All sneaking takes place in military bases or large boats.
• You must only speak in three letter insults usually pertaining to sexuality.
• Nothing is ever fun until people start dying,
• Killing your allies may sometimes cause you direct physical harm, but will always be hilarious
• Bad guys often have their own music theme
• Wrestling is for real
• Your destroyed car will automatically restore itself if you press enter twice
• Japanese can be really noisy
• Japanese fighters often have moves that involve yelling something like DOOKEN! Reppooken! HAVEDOOKEN! Etc. Arbitrary pyrotechnics are often involved as well.
• Your mother encourages you to trap small animals in a ball and make them fight til one passes out.
• Your ship will usually be destroyed by one touch.
• Sonic booms are slow-moving spinning projectiles that do slight harm
• Fighters where not able to sidestep in the 80s
• Touching toxic waste will usually give you super powers
• When you are still trying to discover gun-powder, your enemies will usually attack your city with tanks
• If you start hitting a chicken with your sword for too long, a giant swarm of chickens will start flying over you attacking you constantly unless you enter a building.
• Blue hedgehogs can run really, really fast
• If you reload your gun really fast, your shots do triple damage.
• When shot many times, hide behind a blown up car and wait for the red gear to go away and you're good to go.
• Unless you're going to be a fighter pilot, taking out "Noob boogies LOL" on Battlefield 2 will prove to not be very effective on a resume.
• All your base, flag, tanks, wives, children, snipers, chicken, and other assorted goods are belong to us.
• If you're hit with a blue glowing grenade, quickly give someone a hug; it shall be your last.
• Yelling random combinations of letters, numbers, and shapes will cause cars to explode, weaponry to fall from the sky, and enlarge your penis in less than three weeks!
• No matter what the real problem is, you'll always start out killing big rats.
• You're Winner!
• Elevators never work
• It can always get worse
• The easiest way out likely leads to the hardest
• Barrels can and WILL explode when shot
• If you go around smashing crates, chances are you will find some Wumpa fruit inside, or maybe some magical Mojo. Occasionally, you might find some explosive Nitro inside, too.
• If you go around beating up little bandicoots, be careful, because one of them may just be named Crash. He'll kill you if you smack him.
• Cardboard boxes are indestructible
• Racing and fighting games in arcades are rigged
• If it can't be sold, it should be to be eaten
• Most video games are murder simulators
• If you are killed, you will come back to life for a limited number of times.
• If a turtle hides in its shell, that shell can be used as a projectile, causing no harm to the turtle inside.
• Eating enough food will heal any injury.
• Everyone in the game can't take care of the simplest of chores without your help.
• Any boss can be killed with three hits.
• If you kill enough people, you can make your attacks more powerful, and kill more people!
• You can carry any number of weapons without having to conceal them or being bogged down by weight.
• Italian plumbers can jump many times their body height, and grow double their size when they eat mushrooms.
• In Russian forests, eating glowing mushrooms will recharge your batteries.
• Drifting will cause your car to do a turbo boost.
• If you crash while driving, you will be teleported back to the road unharmed.
• If you jump off a cliff, you will always land on your feet.
• The princess is always in another castle.
• After a certain score, you gain another life.
• If you die in the game, you die for real.
• You only need to practice a new skill once, and then you know it for life.
• Yes, you have faced these people before. No, you're not replaying a level.
• Collecting golden rings makes you invincible.
• Having sex will give you health and/or experience.
• Everyone but you knows who you are.
• Shooting a rocket at a wall will only cause a black burn mark that will disappear in a minute.
• Even though it appears you are doomed by the demons of hell, a shotgun will kill most of them.
• Life can be set to Easy, where everything is given to you on a sliver plate, to hard, where pocking your head around a corner will result in it being shot off.
• No matter how many times you are shot, the only time you will be affected is when you die, you won't even flinch.
• Even if you wield the most destructive force known to man, you cannot harm trees.
• Helicopters are always low on fuel.
• You can customize your character to have funny hats, large breasts or be emo.
• Chickens will kill you.
• Entering a building will cause your pursuers to forget why they were chasing you.
• Exploding stuff is fun.
• Killing your teammates causes many kinds of annoyances.
• An alien did it.
• Make something up, it helps.
• Pressing the A button many times will cause a 'Combo Attack'.
• Smugglers always smuggle guns, drugs or Elmo toys filled with drugs.
• Weird animal things that do not have sex can fit in balls safely.
• Murder makes people drop money.
• Killing cops brings more victims to kill and more weapons to use to kill.
• Radioactivity and and glowing gems grand super-powers.
• The Force kills most enemies.
• No matter how long you kill zombies, you will never need to urinate. Unless you are Duke Nukem.
• You can climb anything even if it has no handholds.
• Cloning dinosaurs allows one to film movies called 'Jurassic Park', and create feces-licking simulators called 'Trespasser'.
• Cats cannot kill mice or birds.
• Animals can speak.
• Creatures can travel to one dimension to fight.
• Attacking thin air always damages your opponent.
• Flowers will try and eat you.
• Plumbers can gain flame powers from other flowers, not the ones that try and eat you.
• Shiny walls allow you to pass through.
• Check boxes before opening.
• Intelligence only helps your magic do more damage nothing else...
• You can only ever hold up to 100 items.
• Beating certain baddies gives you experience which then levels you up so you can be stronger than normal.
• Your level will never go past 100. Suck it.
• The murderer is always the least expected unless the least expected is the most expected then you need to find someone else. It gets dizzying. Go hire Sherlock Holmes. He smokes cocaine.
• Money makes the world go round and what goes around comes around... wait I confused myself...
• It's always the door to the right that's locked so take the left.
• If someone offers you something take it without hesit... hesita... hesitation.
• Avoid having a normal, loving family, as they will be killed in the first ten minutes of the game.
• You must be of high enough level to wear different armor.
• When leading an army on command your troops will move into gunfire/swords, and stay there shooting/stabbing till they are dead, the enemy is dead, or you order them away. Please think of your troops.
• Clones that cannot think for themselves are the smartest enemies. Be sure to shoot them first.
• Color changes increase strength.
• A small fire hose won't do you any good.
• You can catch a bullet in your mouth
• You always lose something then find it, you will always lose something else and start looking again...
• You can kill a dragon with a mouse.
• It's a secret to everybody.
• Every single soldier in WWII is in at least one video game.
• You can catch animals force them to fight each other, LEGALLY!
• Weapons can easily be stored up your rectum and summoned at will.
• No matter where you go, you'll always need the key.
• If you own a rocket launcher, no matter how many people you blow up...no matter how much property damage you've inflicted...you CANNOT destroy doors with it.
• You use a manila folder to specifically plot out how your day is going to go.
• There's a vertical or horizontal bar somewhere in front of you that tells you when you're going to die.
• You don't ever need batteries.
• Unless you do, in which case they will give you about 30 seconds of charge.
• Precisely everything that can be killed carries gold.
• You shouldn't be scared shitless when a coin is absorbed into your hand.
• Windows can be busted; it is oddly satisfying.
• No matter how many times you save the princess she will JUST GET KIDNAPPED AGAIN!!!!
• No matter how hard you practice there will allways be some nerd whose better than you.
• Things go BOOM!!!!
• You run at least twice as fast as anyone else
• The cake is ALWAYS a lie
• Invisible walls can cause brain damage

For more information, see Video game science.

[edit] Oscar Wilde: The Video Game. The Bloodening

The wildly successful Lebanese culture orientated video game released circa MMCDDLXXVII has long been considered contrary to unpopular belief, as proof that not only can video games be a wildly artistic and beautiful medium to comunicate the futility of springtime, but that soft-core nudity, when used in conjunction with subtly fine tuned graphics processing engines and lashings of RAM can unleash the wrath of Pope Lucy Xi on the souls of childish insurance agents from the east side of most ethnic communities. The game opens in eighteen dickety four, and you, playing as the (in)famous Lord Wilde, Sergent of the first Strike Force of The United Republic of The Knights of Cydonia, must hunt down and incognitofy Serj Tankian. However the whiny bitchy one from Lost lurks around every corner, waiting to tell all your friends that you're not actually hung like a hoover. Gamespy gave it 3% just because it came in a box.

[edit] Science of Video Games

For many years, the mechanics behind video games were a mystery to the general public. Thanks to the intrepid, visionary, and often controversial actions of such visionaries as Jack Thompson and Hilary Clinton, video games can be boiled down to a rather simple math equation:

A: Responsibility-free parents

B: Impressionable children

: Video games

Thanks to this equation, there is an explanation for every instance of murder. Ever.

With this new evidence brought to light, the United States legislature will most likely be passing laws outlawing video games soon, but don't worry...it's still OK to kill REAL people (as long as it is in another country)!. Take that, Satan!

[edit] WWII Pilot Training

A little known fact is that EA was created in 1982 by Adolf Hitler (who escaped from Germany June 26, 1963 on the landing gear of John F. Kennedy's plane) in an attempt to create a time machine so he could finish taking over the world. However, before he could send his weapon plan's through, Canada began their first nuclear test in the general vicinity of Hitler. The only thing that managed to get through was a copy of Battlefield 1942, which managed to keep up the disguise that EA was a game company.

Upon receiving the copy of the game, the younger Hitler of 1942 promptly dismissed it as hocus pocus and demanded it to be researched to try to extract the demons from it. The Japanese were then able to convince Hitler to let them have it as good faith for there alliance. At this point the Japanese began to use the B1942 as a flight training program for all their new pilots. The results were not to the liking of the Japanese as many of the pilots either failed to pull out of dives or rammed head long into ships believing they would, in fact, respawn. The Japanese immediately turned this into propaganda claiming that these pilots died for their country and declared that all pilots should do so. As for the disc that started this, it was secretly sent with the aliens that had helped Japan with the attack on Pearl Harbor.

[edit] THE US MILATERY AND VIDEO GAMES

After being given a playstation for christmas george bush began to belive video games were 100% true to life. as a result all members of the us armed forces were striped of there wepons and given either:

• a shity pistol
• a crowbar
• just there fists

the thinking behind this was simple: by the time they saved the princess/killed all the aliens they would have over 99999999999999999999999999999 guns, be at level 100 and have inf mp thus eliminating all budget problems to do with equipment. for ever.