Video game

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“By God's will, I will destroy them all! *foams at the mouth*”

~ Jack Thompson on Video Games

“...wait, what? I don't know that guy. Someone get him some meds.”

~ God on Jack Thompson

Video games (see also Murder Simulators) are the primary leisure activity of white American male virgins, stoners and basement dwellers.

A technology created and propagated by the crime lord Bill Gates himself, video games were made illegal soon after its creation in the late twentieth century, but a black market was rapidly created, and the industry thrived. It spread rapidly through the youth of the world, and was soon declared by the World Health Organization to be the most dangerous psychotropic substance in the world.

There is a great amount of documentation concerning the psychotropic nature of video games, especially on how it warps children to the twisted ways of Bill Gates and forces them to buy the products of the Microsoft crime organization. In addition, symptoms including parental disobedience, incoherent speech, dilated pupils, obesity, and overwhelmingly violent tendencies spring up in heavy users.

Various Japanese companies also got in on the market, including Sony and Nintendo. These companies flooded the market with their products, made cheaper and faster by slave labor (well, in Sony's case, maybe just faster).

After reviewing the mistake of their quick judgment of video games, a dimwitted society cowered back to game companies, realizing the error of their ways and requesting they develop a new technology to remove the rods from their delusional, self-important asses.

The Turbographx sold the most units ever of any system, totaling 300 millions units. Most of these were sold to slave labor in Antarctica. This was backed by Hitler, of course.

Many video games revolve around a quest to gain and keep HP, which stands for Hawaiian Punch. This is particularly true of first-person shooters, as evidenced by the splashes of red Hawaiian Punch that escape when the player shoots at someone.

Contents 1 Theological perspective 2 Early Video Games 3 Lessons Learned from Video Games 4 Oscar Wilde: The Video Game. The Bloodening 5 Science of Video Games 6 WWII Pilot Training

[edit] Theological perspective

Often video games are cited as definitive proof for the existence of God. "Who but God could have made something so grand and perfect?". It is argued that all of human history has been leading up to the release of Duke Nukem Forever. (Seems like it) Furthermore, theologians argue that God cannot yet release the "final video game" because it would blow your mind. Instead, God had to start out with simpler, spin-the-analog-stick games and then progress to the point we are at today. Religious types unanimously agree that cooler games will come.

[edit] Early Video Games

The first video game was when a French nobleman named Fancyfood Godard shouted up, right, right, up, left, select to a room full of painters who had to paint at 30 frames per second. The first big video game slamsation was Crimean War: Historical Irrelevance which came out in 1703 for the ENIAC computer, which is now known as Luxembourg.

The second video game was made up by SAGA, a breast sagging company. It was actually a porn game, which came out quite popular in the 1720's. The plot was to get laid as fast as they can. Many people died when playing this game.

[edit] Lessons Learned from Video Games

• You're Winner!!
• Video Games Suck
• Elevators never work
• It can always get worse
• The easiest way out likely leads to the hardest
• Barrels can and WILL explode when shot
• If you go around smashing crates, chances are you will find some Wumpa fruit inside, or maybe some magical Mojo. Occasionally, you might find some explosive Nitro inside, too.
• If you go around beating up little bandicoots, be careful, because one of them may just be named Crash. He'll kill you if you smack him.
• Cardboard boxes are indestructible
• Racing and fighting games in arcades are rigged
• If it can't be sold, it should be able to be eaten
• Most video games are murder simulators
• If you are killed, you will come back to life for a limited number of times.
• If a turtle hides in its shell, that shell can be used as a projectile, causing no harm to the turtle inside.
• Eating enough food will heal any injury.
• Everyone in the game can't take care of the simplest of chores without your help.
• Any boss can be killed with three hits.
• If you kill enough people, you can make your attacks more powerful, and kill more people!
• You can carry any number of weapons without having to conceal them or being bogged down by weight.
• Italian plumbers can jump many times their body height, and grow double their size when they eat mushrooms.
• Drifting will cause your car to do a turbo boost.
• If you crash while driving, you will be teleported back to the road unharmed.
• If you jump off a cliff, you will always land on your feet.
• The princess is always in another castle.
• After a certain score, you gain another life.
• If you die in the game, you die for real.
• You only need to practice a new skill once, and then you know it for life.
• Yes, you have faced these people before. No, you're not replaying a level.
• Collecting golden rings makes you invincible.
• Having sex will give you health and/or experience.
• Everyone but you knows who you are.
• Shooting a rocket at a wall will only cause a black burn mark that will disappear in a minute.
• Even though it appears you are doomed by the demons of hell, a shotgun will kill most of them.
• Life can be set to Easy, where everything is given to you on a sliver plate, to hard, where pocking your head around a corner will result in it being shot off.
• No matter how many times you are shot, the only time you will be affected is when you die, you won't even flinch.
• Even if you wield the most destructive force known to man, you cannot harm trees.

Warning: Wittiness, grammar, spelling, and the overall feel of intelligence decline sharply from this point onwards. Continue reading the list at your own risk.

• you can customize your character so it can wear: funny hats, have big boobs, of be emo
• never, I repeat NEVER attack chicken because the master ganster chicken will send out lots of chickens to kill you
• going into a door makes everyone have amnesia and forget why they were chasing you...
• exploding stuff is fun
• killing team mates will; annoy them, make your team lose points, and make people want to kill you or make you fail the mission.
• It was the butler in all murder mysteries, and some alien in all sci-fi games
• when creating a sci-fi game when the team is in trouble just make something up like; a plutonium scrambler and it will save you...
• pressing A repeatedly causes a combo attack
• the thing you are smuggling is; guns, drugs or Elmo toys filled with drugs...
• weird animal things can fit in balls and although they have eggs you never see them have sex...
• killing people makes them drop money
• killing cops gives you stars, once you get five stars the navy, army and a.s.s try to get you, you can then steal their ship, tank, or helicopter and blow more cops try to kill you!
• you can get super powers from weird glowing gems or by becoming radio active.
• although you have been killing zombies for days you still won't have to pee.
• using the force will kill most enemies.
• although there is nothing to grab on to you can still climb up, walls, metal structures or anything else
• cloning dinosaur will result in have an island filled with dinosaurs where you can film movies like Jurassic park, 1, 2 and 3 not forgetting Jurassic park revolution, when dinosaurs make guns and wipe out humanity.
• mice and birds can't be killed by cats.
• animals can talk
• creatures can come to one dimension and fight each other.
• attacking thin air will give damage to any and all opponents
• flowers will eat you given the chance.
• flowers give abilities to produce flame from you hand (only works for plumbers)
• you can walk through walls when it's shiny
• always check treasure chests, or birthday presents for traps before opening (having extra dex helps)
• Intelligence only helps your magic do more damage nothing else...
• you can only ever hold up to 100 items.
• beating certain baddies gives you experience which then lvs you up so you can be stronger than normal.
• your level will never go past 100.
• the murder is always the least expected unless the least expected is the most expected then you need to find someone else.
• money makes the world go round and what goes around comes around... wait I confused myself...
• It's always the door to the right that's locked so take the left.
• if someone offers you something take it without hesit... hesita... hesitation.
• you must be of high enough level to wear different armor.
• When leading an army on command your troops will move into gunfire/swords, and stay there shooting/stabbing till they are dead, the enemy is dead, or you order the away.
• Clones that cannot think for themselves are the smartest enemies.
• changing the color of can and will make it stronger
• a small fire hose won't you any good.
• you can catch a bullet in your mouth
• you always lose something then find it, you will always lose something else and start looking again...
• you can kill a dragon with a mouse.
• every single soldier in WWII is in at least one video game
• you can catch animals force them to fight each other, LEGALLY!!!
• Weapons can easily be stored up your rectum and summoned at will.
• No matter where you go, you'll always need the key.
• If you own a rocket launcher, no matter how many people you blow up...no matter how much property damage you've inflicted...you CANNOT destroy doors with it.
• You use a manila folder to specifically plot out how your day is going to go.
• There's a vertical or horizontal bar somewhere in front of you that tells you when you're going to die.
• You don't ever need batteries.
• Precisely everything that can be killed carries gold.

For more information, see Video game science.

[edit] Oscar Wilde: The Video Game. The Bloodening

The wildly successful Lebanese culture orientated video game released circa MMCDDLXXVII has long been considered contrary to unpopular belief, as proof that not only can video games be a wildly artistic and beautiful medium to comunicate the futility of springtime, but that soft-core nudity, when used in conjunction with subtly fine tuned graphics processing engines and lashings of RAM can unleash the wrath of Pope Lucy Xi on the souls of childish insurance agents from the east side of most ethnic communities. The game opens in eighteen dickety four, and you, playing as the (in)famous Lord Wilde, Sergent of the first Strike Force of The United Republic of The Knights of Cydonia, must hunt down and incognitofy Serj Tankian. However the whiny bitchy one from Lost lurks around every corner, waiting to tell all your friends that you're not actually hung like a hoover. Gamespy gave it 3% just because it came in a box.

[edit] Science of Video Games

For many years, the mechanics behind video games were a mystery to the general public. Thanks to the intrepid, visionary, and often controversial actions of such visionaries as Jack Thompson and Hilary Clinton, video games can be boiled down to a rather simple math equation:

A: Responsibility-free parents

B: Impressionable children

: Video games

Thanks to this equation, there is an explanation for every instance of murder. Ever.

With this new evidence brought to light, the United States legislature will most likely be passing laws outlawing video games soon, but don't worry...it's still OK to kill REAL people (as long as it is in another country)!. Take that, Satan!

[edit] WWII Pilot Training

A little known fact is that EA was created in 1982 by Adolf Hitler (who escaped from Germany June 26, 1963 on the landing gear of John F. Kennedy's plane) in an attempt to create a time machine so he could finish taking over the world. However, before he could send his weapon plan's through, Canada began their first nuclear test in the general vicinity of Hitler. The only thing that managed to get through was a copy of Battlefield 1942, which managed to keep up the disguise that EA was a game company.

Upon receiving the copy of the game, the younger Hitler of 1942 promptly dismissed it as hocus pocus and demanded it to be researched to try to extract the demons from it. The Japanese were then able to convince Hitler to let them have it as good faith for there alliance. At this point the Japanese began to use the B1942 as a flight training program for all their new pilots. The results were not to the liking of the Japanese as many of the pilots either failed to pull out of dives or rammed head long into ships believing they would, in fact, respawn. The Japanese immediately turned this into propaganda claiming that these pilots died for their country and declared that all pilots should do so. As for the disc that started this, it was secretly sent with the aliens that had helped Japan with the attack on Pearl Harbor.