Viking
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"The village prophet predicted terrible things for the past - people will be prosecuted for decapitating their neighbors, skinning babies if they cry and having a rster of wives to have kinky battlebutt sex with. These tellings make me want even more to be speared on one of our weekend rape-and-pillagrhitgfyj, Ragnoth the Rabbit Skinner (village shcool teacher)
The children of a fatwoman are traditionally known as Vikings. The Vikings (Nordic Aryans) were a group of demons,es|originating]] in Scandinavia, who are known for raping and pillaging, building boats with dragon's heads, raping and pillaging, setting things on fire, composing epic sagas (particularly about their love of SPAM), making awesome swords, killing monks, and raping and pillaging. The word "viking" is derived from the Old Norse verb "vike" which means "to rape and pillage everything in or not in your path" Vikings are beefcakes, considered the lumberjacks of the sea. Vikings are born fully mature and ready to do battle. The average gestation period for a viking is 5 minutes and 23 seconds (although this is being reviewed by MOSO who think vikings actually were a freak of imagination). The beard, while appearing to be like normal human facial trees (albeit exceptionally luxurious and makes all the girls scream for sexings) is actually an extension of the face that can sense where there are monasteries to be pillaged, or rape to be had. This is often known as a "Beard Sense". The only human alive today who has this is Neil Fallon. The facial hair of a viking is also highly dexterous, and can serve as a third limb, in a similar manner to the way an elephant uses its trunk. Although this trait has all but died out, a few still remain who can access the so called "beard powers".
Contrary to popular belief, Vikings do not go into a berserk fury. In fact, they are always in a berserk fury. Viking sightings are rare due to the fact that observers are often killed, raped, or both (in either order or sometimes simultaniously).
Viking eyes are both keen and shoot lasers. This is due to a laser gland located in the scrotum. This makes vikings immune to pain usually induced by being kicked in the jimmy, as well as consuming the idiots foot in a glorious blaze of metal and awesome. That's what you get, you sorry piece of shit. That is of course provided a person manages to sneak up on a viking. This has never happened since they're usually pillaged raped, burnt then offered as a sacrifice to Christopher Walken.
Vikings live naturally to be 3000 years of age at which point they stop aging and never die. In a recent study, it was also reported that vikings are the only known source of the rare mineral Cemanalia, or True Semen. A fresh sample of True Semen has never been collected. All known deposits of Cemanalia are called Scandanavians, because Vikings never miss.
Vikings also have viking mind melding powers and even though they can just hypnotize people into giving them pleasure they still prefer to rape them.
1 out of every 1 vikings have most of Jesus's powers. they can turn water into rape and unlike Jesus they can not just walk on water but they can walk on every liquid (except for Pepsi) known to man such as water, blood, cow urine, Coke (but not Pepsi,) and moon shine.and jesus
[edit] The Beginings
Traitionally viking is the most popular name given to high school football teams (next to Panthers)
[edit] Myths about Vikings
Vikings have suffered greatly from stereotypes and misrepresentation. Popular myth holds that the Vikings were bloodthirsty and merciless seaborne raiders, who liked nothing better than descending upon villages to steal, rape and slaughter, who revelled in drink, fighting, slaughtering monks, and setting things on fire, and who never washed or cared for their beards. On the contrary, Vikings went to extraordinary lengths to make sure that their beards were clean, full and luxurious, and they always use deodorant before attacking. Besides, whats wrong with killing monks? Vikings did not wear horned helmets. The horns actually grew out of their skulls and they put the helmets on over them. This came in very handy when killing monks. They also used their horns for sexing. Kinky bastards. This is how the modern day term HORNY was first derived from. When a viking is first born he has no horns but they eventually sprout after about 10 minutes. Although their horns are as hard as steel they are known to be very sensitive. This is why there are so many vikings because viking women love getting the horn. Another interesting attribute about viking horns is that they contain the chemical Polyoxanide. Rumour has it the drug companies use this chemical to manufacture Viagra.
On another note, the Vikings also have an unmatched zeal for gardening,cooking, and singing, and in fact created the television network HGTV. Emeril is, in fact, a Viking warlord who at one time managed to rape four dragons at one time.
Vikings also pioneered the development of a capella, which is Viking for 'sounds you make when I rape and pillage you.'
[edit] Minor Quandaries involving Numbers, and their particular significance to this Article and Vikings
While it is a well known fact that Vikings invented the spoken word, beards(be-warned, however, that present-day Vikings may not always have beards-they may be in disguise), and the original, first, and only completely and wholly correct alphabet (also known as Soup), it is of great importance to note that the Vikings had little, if anything, to do with the creation of numbers. Granted, the Vikings claim to have been counting 1,000,000 years before the first number was discovered, and no one has ever disputed it (and I would not recommend disputing a Viking. And for that fact nor will you if you ever tried it.). However, since the discovering of ancient druid scrolls, it is now commonly believed that the first number was indeed "1", and not "Mayo", as the Vikings claimed. As a proper retort, the Vikings invented the Dewey Decimal System, and box-spring mattresses. This is considered to be the single greatest pwn in the history of all Vikingry.
[edit] Exploration
There is, of course, more to the Vikings than raping and pillaging. They were traders and famed explorers. The Vikings discovered and settled Iceland, Greenland, Newfoundland, and (using the Viking I and Viking II probes) Mars. However, the Vikings soon left Mars, because there was nothing to rape and pillage (besides those little green men, but as the little green men are very willing, it didn't count as rape). The vikings also traded goods throughout the North Sea and North Atlantic, as far away as the Byzantine Empire, Soviet Russia, and Bed Bath and Beyond. Wearing horned helmets and carrying battle-axes naturally gave the Vikings a sizeable psychological advantage while negotiating prices for their wares: when a thundering norseman carrying a broadsword says that you're getting a good price, his customers tend to agree. Thus, even while these expeditions did not result in raping and pillaging, the customers of Viking merchants often went away feeling like they had been raped and their wallets pillaged.
[edit] Raiding Tactics
Although Viking tactics are commonly referred to as "raping and pillaging", this is a simplistic representation of the subtle and sophisticated battle tactics of the Viking Assault. The assault consists of the following phases:
(1) Killing. Kill everything which cannot be either pillaged or raped.
(2) Pillaging. Next, pillage everything which cannot be raped.
(3) Once all resistance is put down and the loot is stored away, open up a flagon of mead and find a nice wench, commence raping.
(4) Set shit on fire and sail off, taking the better looking women along (incidentally, the fact that the Vikings had their choice of the hot babes for 500 years explains why Scandanavian women are all such hotties today).
As we can see, the elaborate and highly refined Viking strategy consists of "killing-pillaging-raping-burning", not just "raping and pillaging". Furthermore pillaging in fact comes before raping. The order of these steps is vitally important (after all if you first burn the village then there is nothing left to rape, pillage or kill).
A variant of this theory, the "Hack-Hack, Stab-Stab, Molest-Molest, Burn-Burn (Always Burn Last!)", was pioneered by great thinker Michael McAvoy of the Bergen County Public School system. While first applied to the tactics of barbarian hoardes, we can see how it evolved into the "killing-pillaging-raping-burning" model.
[edit] Viking Combat
Vikings are very formidable opponents in combat due to the fact that they are pretty much invincible when they go on a pillaging spree. Even when not pillaging, however, Vikings are still almost invincible. For instance, if a ninja were to sneak up on a Viking, the ninja would have to stab the Viking at least twice to defeat him/her, by which time the Viking would have turned around to chop the ninja's head off or something, while shouting loudly in Norse.
The favored weapons of most Vikings are the over-sized battle axe, the sword, the bastard sword, and the total bastard sword.
When attacking from sea, Vikings attack towns and sea-bound vessels using a myriad of projectile weapons on board, including but not limited to:
-The Standard Pillaging Cannon: The most common weapon a Viking's ship has. It basically blasts the tar out of everything, thus making it an essential pillaging weapon.
-The Hamster Catapult: A less common weapon used by Vikings to pillage at long distances. It launches a hamster over long distances that causes a midget-sized thermonuclear airburst upon impact.
-Over-sized harpoon Launcher: A weapon you are likely to find at least one of on any Viking ship. It shoots a really ginormously big harpoon which can pierce its way deep into any structure, moose, or vessel. Due to its superior engineering design, the harpoon is easilly retractable and will not snag on anything while being retracted. Vikings commmonly employ this weapon as a means of getting to land safely or raiding an opponent ship by climbing the large chain of the harpoon. Studies show that the large chain was needed to hold the vikings manliness and powerful awesome.
-Viking Launcher: This shoots a Viking towards the enemies. Due to the fact that Vikings are indestructible, and real men, the Viking will make a huge dent(The Viking being unharmed, of course), or cause lasers to shoot out of everyone's eyes. This uncertainty is explained by the equation Laser Eyes May = Vikings + Launcher + Raping and Pillaging.
-The Internet: It is a little known fact that the Vikings were actually the ones who invented the Internet just as most people don't know that the Vikings were the first to discover America. When Christopher Columbus got came to the Americas in later years, he barely escaped what was perhaps the most lethal Viking weapon of all: the Internet. By using the Internet, Vikings can command Viking satellites up in the upper atmosphere to pillage a designated spot from far above the earth, they can call in more Vikings, or they can convince entire planets to crash into their opponents by telling them over the Internet that their enemy is having a pizza party.
If you ever encounter a Viking, just run...really fast. If you hide, the Viking will just smash everything in his/her way to get to you.
[edit] Viking Genealogy
While vikings may on first sight appear to be similar to ninjas, the infamous pirate test seem to prove this particular theory wrong. The test is based on the fact that anything that has any connection to ninjas will cause a pirate to flip out. Man wigged out pirates really bite. Current tests show that this is not the case, although the resulting battle left two scientists and a small squirrel dead. The pirate did, however, not flip out and the viking was vaguely uninterested. Ultimatly an English gentleman stopped the battle by offering tea and biscuits. The two combatants graciously accepted and the whole thing was reported as a bit of a success. The English gentleman was killed and raped then burnt by the viking afterwards when the viking discoverd that the tea wasn't mead.
Those that support the Pirate lineage theory point to Pastafarianism who claim that there is a direct correlation between the number of pirates and global warming. It is also a well know fact that just prior to the viking age there was a warm period, but temperatures dropped as the age progressed. Opponents claim that supporters are spreading bullshit.
This does leave the question unanswered, though, as to where vikings stem from. Some support a theory that suggest that vikings and pirates stem from the same lineage due to reports of cross breed pirates and vikings.
[edit] Vikings and Other Groups
Vikings have a long history of relations with other groups, including pirates, ninjas, and lumberjacks. It is worth noting that unlike the hatred Vikings generally display towards the rest of humanity, there is generally very little hostility between Vikings and these other groups (although the Great Viking-Ninja War of 2005 has done lasting damage to Viking-ninja relations.) Vikings are known to have an especially good relationship with pirates, so long as the two groups remain in their respective areas of the sea and do not trespass into each other's nautical territory. Longstanding claims that Vikings are distantly related to lumberjacks have recently been proven. This discovery has lead a majority of scientists to believe that we are all fucked.
[edit] Music
Vikings are widely recognised as the most metal beings on Earth (more so even than pirates or lumberjacks), surpassed in the whole universe only by--Wait. Nothing surpasses Vikings. Led Zeppelin, ABBA, Dimmu Borgir and music by Richard Wagner are classic examples. They were the inventors of Viking Metal and the forefathers of modern black metal. They love Metal as much as they love raping and plundering. They commit sacrifices to the God of Metal in a everyday basis,and all of them follow the rules of the God of Metal. In fact, those utterly horrible screams the Vikings do when they are plundering and/or raping are Viking Metal lyrics. That's why we don't understand shit. If a 100% viking sings Viking Metal, everything around him will die in a 2 yards radius. Famous Viking Metal bands include bands such as Vikingarna (Viking Kings), DDE (Devil's Death Ensemble; originally Kill-Pillage-Rape-Burn) and Sputnik (the Norse mythological equivalent of Shiva the Destroyer). Vikings are also know as pioneers of death metal. Early gory death metal lyrics are actually old folk songs viking used to sing as they attacked villages, and monasteries. It is widely rumored that early death metal artists were actually young vikings in disguise. Any Viking who has a dislike for Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song is castrated.
As mentioned earlier, not all viking music is metal. Vikings sing Wagnerian opera songs while they are having sex, so that they can mix the two of the best things in life. The great scalds ABBA are also popular among the Vikings. One of the greatest viking raiding songs is Dancing Queen, a song describing the abduction of Queen Brunhilda of the Anglo-Saxons and her fate.
[edit] Viking gods
Contrary to popular opinion, the Vikings did not make their gods up. Actually, their gods created them and made the race flourish. But, just as they were about to end the creation, a certain god named ODIN (who will remain anonomous for reasons of public humiliation) thought it was a good idea to show some vikings where the gods lived. This was not a good idea AT ALL as the vikings saw the wealth there, and invaded it, killing/pillaging/raping/burning it (see viking raiding tactics). Only after this did they realise they had killed their creators, and they loved it. This explains why there was a lack of parents in the viking community, and why Norway now is mainly made up of people below 20 years of age. Also, all gods love golf, and so frequently visit Yggdrasill, the world tee.
List of Viking gods:
Baldr - God of peace and virginity
Borr - Father of Odin, Vili, Ve, and the well loved Sven Goran Erikson
Bög - god of men. Whatta fag
Captain Picard- God of all things Enterprise
Charles Turner- God of the Rolly Backpack
Commander Riker - Picard's pet dwarf
Bragi - God of poetry and the Beatles
Búri - The first god and father of Borr.
Dagr - God of the daytime, son of Delling and Nótt.
Lampus Cohelus- God of Office Furniture
Delling - God of dawn and father of Dagr by Nótt.
Eir - Goddess of healing.
Forseti - God of justice, peace and truth. Son of Baldr and Nanna.
Freya - Goddess of fertility, wealth, love, beauty, magic, prophecy, war, battle, and death.
Freyr - God of the masculine virlility.
Froogmar - Slayer of Walri
Frigg - Goddess of marriage and motherhood, although he is a man.
Gefjun - Goddess of fertility and plough.
God- God of Christians
Bush- God of Delusions
Hel - Queen of Hel, the Norse underworld.
Heimdallr - One of the Æsir and guardian of Ásgarð, their realm.
Hermóðr - Óðinn's son.
Hlín - Goddess of consdipation.
Höðr - God of winter.
Hœnir - The silent god. See Emo
Iðunn - Goddess of youth.
Jörð - Goddess of the Earth. Mother of Þórr by Óðinn.
Kvasir - God of inspiration.
Lofn - Goddess of love. Has yet to get laid
Loki - Trickster and god of mischief, strife, fire and badassery.
Máni - God of Moon. Right on.
Marduk - God of Annoying cartoon animals
Mímir - Óðinn´s uncle. always ready for convinient plot twists
Nanna - An Ásynja married with Baldr and mother to Forseti.
Nerþus - A goddess mentioned by Tacitus. Her name is connected to that of Njörðr.
Njörðr - God of sea, wind, fish, and wealth. He can multitask
Norns - The three goddesses of destiny; Urd(Fate), Skuld(Being, or Future), Verdandi(Necessity, or Present).
Nótt - Goddess of night, daughter of Narvi and mother of Auð, Jörð and Dagr by Naglfari, Annar and Delling, respectively.
Odin - Lord of the Æsir. God of both wisdom and war.
Oscar Wilde - God of kitten huffing and pretty much everything else
Dirk Diggler - God of viking horns
President Bush - The arch-enemy of the gods, widely depised by all gods and mortals
Sá - An obscure goddess, possibly another name for Frigg.
Sif - Wife of Thor.
Sjöfn - Goddess of love. OOOOh! Cooties!
Skaði - Goddess of winter Njörðr's wife.
Skirnir- Frey's shield man.
Skisraur- wishes he was Frey's sheild man.
Skitnik- god of seamen. LOL you said semen!
Skuld - (Being or Future) one of the three goddesses of fate called Norns who foresee at the base Yggdrasill(The World Tee).
Snotra - Goddess of prudence.
Sol - Goddess of Sun.
Steven Chavis - Super techno, ginger, homosexual, selfloving, god of wrath and a high priest of the "Cult of the Pixel."
Thor - God of thunder, battle and kebabs.
Týr - God of war and justice. Democrats may insert comment here:
Ullr - God of skill, hunt, and duel. Son of Sif.
Urd - (Fate) one of the three goddesses of fate called Norns who foresee at the base Yggdrasill(The World Tee).
Váli - God of revenge. father of Johnny Filth
Johnny Filth - God of emofags
Vár - Goddess of contract.
Vé - One of the three gods of creation. Brother of Óðinn and Vili.
Verdandi - (Present, or Necessity) one of the three goddesses of fate called Norns who foresee at the base Yggdrasill(The World Tee).
Víðarr- Son of Odin and the giantess Gríðr.
Vilasrai- Godess of the Awkward Silence
Vili - One of the three gods of creation. Brother of Óðinn and Vé.
Vör - Goddess of wisdom. (Goddess? YEah right!)
[edit] Vikings: Past, Present, and Future
[edit] Past
If you consult a history book or other semi-reliable reference (such as your teacher, grandparent, or Wikipedia), it/they will tell you that the Vikings were not all the berserk warriors that they have become to be known as. And rather, they were farmers, tradespeople, and artists. Of course, this is completely bogus. Vikings were nothing but outrageously powerful and fearless warriors who didn't take crap from anybody. They killed, raped, pillaged, and did whatever the crap they wanted, but at the same time defended the weak, as long as those were weak didn't do anything stupid or lame or were related to George W. Bush. In fact, the only reason people sometimes believe that Vikings were more tame than they really were is because in about 1967, some kid was reading about the Vikings in his history text book and then had a nightmare about them killing his teddy bear that night. He told his parents and they complained to the school board. Of course, this was 1967 and nobody cared if some dumb kid didn't like school. But then, 20 years later in 1987, the same kid (who was not a kid anymore, he was like 30) had the dream again and as a result, refused to go anywhere without his teddy bear due to his overwealming fear that Vikings would come to chop off his precious bear's head. Vikings invented Kubb.
[edit] Present
Vikings still exist to this day, scattered across the nordic countries. Names worth mentioning are Torkil "bjørnebitar" the stout, John "vargskjegg" the fierce and Lars "mjølnerneve" the great. All currently living in Trondheim, Norway.
[edit] Future
In the future, the vikings take over the earth, and then settle on mars and destroyed the original inhabitants over a row about playing the drums at 6:00 in the morning. This information was got from a reliable source- the man down the road. He made a time machine, and if you want to know how he used three items- tomorrows newspaper, a cat that died three years ago and tony blairs left ear.
[edit] Well-Known Vikings
- Júlíus "linduæði" the scout
- Torkil "bjørnebitar" the stout
- John "vargskjegg" the fierce
- Lars "mjølnerneve" the great
- Lucy
- tom hughes
- Viking Kong
- Sven Goran Erikson (Englands ex-football manager)
- The Melvins
- Lillsnorre
- Röde Orm (Red Snake)
- William the Bastard
- George the Bastard
- Dagobert the Fierce
- Egill Skalla-Grímsson. Famous for composing poetry while raping and pillaging.
- Gunnar of Hlíðarenda. The inspiration for He-Man
- Gísli son of Sour. Famous Inventor of skyr
- Strom Thurmond. With name like "Strom" you pretty much have to be a viking, right?
- Fredrik Wikingsson
- Metallurgica - a Viking band famous in it's time for being the very root of modern rock.
- Techno Viking
- Dustin Lovell "the skull smasher"
- The Lost Vikings
- Beowulf
- Techno Vikingnn:Vikinger
