Viking Chocolate

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Viking chocolate, also known as bruntack or bröentak, is an early form of milk chocolate developed by Icelandic reavers between the 10th and 11th century. Originally used on long sea voyages as a substitute for more perishable foodstuffs, it was later banned after it was discovered to contain dangerous levels of trans fat. Nonetheless, it remained popular with sailors up until the late 17th century, and was instrumental in the founding of the city of No Orleans. Today, Viking chocolate can still be found in some specialty stores, and is a staple ingredient in Scandinavian cooking.

[edit] Production

Viking chocolate differs from regular chocolate only in the method of which its beans are milled. Whereas normal chocolate is produced by pulping and heating the beans into a thick chocolate liquor, Viking chocolate is first crushed with a hammer then mixed with spittle into a coarse paste; this paste is then compacted with stiff wooden boards called kroekmaeven and left to dry beneath the buttocks of an obese virgin.

[edit] Taste

Viking chocolate is markedly different from regular chocolate in both taste and texture. Due to its means of production stray pubic hairs and a certain fishy odor are not uncommon. A small number of people may be allergic to Viking chocolate, which has been known to cause nausea, vomiting and death. Still, it beats Hershey's.

[edit] Eating and Other Usage

Owing to Viking chocolate's hard and lumpy texture it is first softened above a pan of warm urine before being kneaded into flour or sawdust and then baked in a kiln (this unfortunately renders it inedible). It may also be dissolved in soups and stews or mixed with honey to form a spread (this renders it inedible also). Fish, such as cod or herring, may be coated in Viking chocolate and then smoked (inedible, but good for slapping relatives with).

In July 2003 'Inuit dipping' was outlawed by the Human Rights Organization. Tubs previously used in said practice have now been converted into shelters for the homeless.