Vin Diesel

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The Man Behind Modern Israel
The Man Behind Modern Israel
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Vin Diesel.


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Sometimes the foundations are so rotten and bad that the only good and constructive action is demolishing everything and starting from scratch. In other words, rewrite this article. It's in such a bad state that you may ignore all of its current contents if you like.


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“He's gotta be about as straight as I am.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Vin Diesel's sexuality

“He's on the MIB hitlist”

~ Will Smith on Vin Diesel

Vin Diesel was born in Isreal to Ted Unleaded, an Israeli Jewish Biro factory worker, and Jodie Fourstar an Egyptian, Sumarian lesbian princess. Diesel grew up in Fellatio, Indiana, and contrary to rumors who that he is illiterate, he can in fact read. However, Vin Diesel does not read in the conventional sense. Rather, the words form gladiators in his mind, drawing on the powers of their respective meanings, fighting to the death until only the strongest remain in an arena of fire and liquid sulfur. Most females consider Vin Diesel attractive but if you look closely you will realize that he is actually a god.

Contents

[edit] Etymology

Vin Diesel is a man of many talents. Acting is not among them.
Vin Diesel is a man of many talents. Acting is not among them.

Vin Diesel's name has been a subject of scholarly scrutiny for some time now. No one knows where the hell this name came from. Dr. Jackson L. Samuel of the Discovery Institute of Mother Fucking Science in Seattle, Washington states, "I'm tired of these mother fucking students wanting to know where mother fucking Vin Diesel's name came from. Mother Fucker".

Dr. Yuri Aznakiss of Oxford University, however, differs politely, offering the following rebuke to Dr. Samuel's argument: "Bullshit. Vin is a traditional southeast Jewish name. But seriously, south east Jewish? What the hell is that? Israel isn't the hell big enough to be divided into North, South, West and East, let alone Northeast, northwest, southeast, southwest, Eastsouth, westsouth, eastnorth, westnorth, northsouth, or eastwest. Wait, what the hell? Hey forget that, don't quote that. But seriously, we don't know where the hell this name came from, and we sure as hell don't give a shit. And don't even get me started on Diesel".

Leading Scientoligists have released studies definitively proving that Vin Diesel's name has absolutely nothing to do with bugs. When asked about the basis of those experiments, Tom Cruise calmly exclaimed, "WRF ISANT ETYMONOLOGY THE STUDy OF FUCkIGN BUGS ADN SHIT!?!?!? WRF?!?!/!?!?!?!?/1/." None have yet to figure out what the hell Tommy was saying. The only conclusion that the general populace can come to is this: if he has all the right moves, then we'll listen to him. And heck, he knows more about the history of psychiatry than we do anyway. Tom Cruise proceeded to kill Jedi with Oprah lightning, and Dark Lord Oprah was pleased.

While scholars still haven't figured out where Vin Diesel's name comes from, they do know he inspired the term "diesel dyke", because of the class of large, mannish, muscular lesbians that resemble him.

Vin Diesel Rearranged is "I end lives"....

[edit] History

Diesel before the sex change.
Diesel before the sex change.

At the age of 21, he became a leader for the entire Jewish community and travelled all around the world spreading words of wisdom and herpes to small children, since he was tired of killing them off himself. He is now the leader of the Mossad. At 23, he entered a magical wormhole that appeared in his local Honda dealership, which sent him to the Illegal Street Racing Universe. He proceeded to race their emperor and win after he leaped from his car and stabbed the emperor in the face with a ceremonial katana, while going 300 miles per hour. Vin returned to our universe three years later, immortal, and with many asian supermodels.

As is not very well known Vin Diesel is a direct descendant of Rudolph Diesel, the inventor of the Wankel rotary engine. Vin starts every day with a piping hot cup of diesel fuel, which he then urinates into the sun to keep it burning. Ironically Vin Diesel was used by the gasoline industries in the USA to promote the use of gasoline through the movie "The fast and the Furious". This led to large protests in Germany, the home country of Rudolph Diesel. A diplomatic conflict was born between Schröder, president of Germany, and George W. Bush, head mascot of the USA. When in 2004 the world thought this conflict was finally solved, Gerhard Schröder, as revenge for the Diesel Debacle, denied aid to the USA attacking Iraq. For this reason, he has come to be known as "The Mad Turk".

Unknown to many people, Vin Diesel actually received his rigorous training from Ross Kemp, which upon completion, his hair merely disappeared, which explains his mirror like sheen on his head, for like Ross Kemp himself, he no longer had the need for hair. It is this training that has been assumed to have given Vin Diesel his amazing supernatural ability to kick ass, regardless of the odds.

Contrary to his surname, Vin doesn't actually run on Diesel, he instead runs on concentrated false hopes and broken dreams.

It is a curious fact that if you rearrange the letters in "Vin Diesel", you get the phrase "I end lives." Cool, eh?

Vin Diesel is nowadays working on a prequel to "The Fast and The Furious", called "The Hurried and The Annoyed".

Vin Diesel and Bruce Willis are fierce enemies, and have been fighting since dawn of time, possibly earlier. The original reason for the conflict has been lost, but it has hypothesized that it started when Willis threw Vin Diesel's asian hooker down an elevator shaft. Bruce then proceeded to headbut Vin, knocking him into last week. Vin Diesel swore revenge, and he continues planning till this day.

[edit] Vin Diesel and Steve Ballmer

It has been confirmed by a US Select Committee that Vin Diesel is the only person in the entire world that Steve Ballmer could not Fucking Kill™. This is due to the fact that doing so would violate several laws of physics. However, since "All The Laws of Physics" are almost top of his hitlist, this may change at any time.

so fuck him bold mother fucker

[edit] Vin Diesel historical facts

Monaliesel, the ultimate creature of youth.
Monaliesel, the ultimate creature of youth.
  • After the scientist invented the time-travel machine, Vin Diesel goes back in time and fused with Monalisa... Making an ultimate creature: MONALIESEL!
  • Vin Diesel single handedly brought Taco Bell back to glory by suggesting they make soft tacos the way he does, with 100% ground beef, refried beans, and garnished with the eyes and testicles of his enemies.
  • Due to common misconception, Vin actually runs on unleaded.
  • Vin Diesel can solve the rubix cube in one move.
  • Vin Diesel performed intercourse with Mt. St. Helens in 1941. After retracting his burnt genitals, he constructed a steel cast to protect his pecker from further damage. We know this cast today as the Eiffel Tower. Countrary to popular belief, Mt. St. Helens actually erupted Vin Diesel's semen, which is red in color and up to 500 degrees farenheit.
  • Star Wars is what happens in Vin Diesel's anatomy.
  • Vin Diesel once made a go-kart that ran on the hopes and dreams of orphans.
    • It goes fast.
      • Really fast.
  • When Vin Diesel told the Microsoft Word paper clip to go away, it never came back.
  • Vin Diesel uses midgets as currency, skyscrapers as toothpicks, and wipes his ass with any logs, stones, or babies that are in the area at the time.
  • Vin Diesel can be used under certain conditions as a table.
    • That condition is commonly known as "suicidal"
  • Vin Diesel is also a popular cocktail made from equal parts French wine and motor oil. It is known for its rich, full bouquet and has an SAE grade of 50. Vin actually means wine in Danish and other Scandinavian languages, so you might say that Vin Diesel's parents did the impossible: They mixed wine and diesel, which is, as many people know, polar and non polar mixed, which should be impossible. But Vin Diesel begs to differ.
  • "F### you" were the last words he speaks after swimming the entire English Chanel.
  • Vin Disel has huge muscles in his gluteus maxiums they are hard as steel!!!!! He killed 12 iraqis with his butt.....because I'm completely and utterly retarted!!!!!.....
  • A 15 minute guitar battle between Diesel's character and Adolf Hitler (which Diesel easily won) was cut before the final release of Saving Private Ryan.
  • Vin Diesel invented black, in fact he invented every color of the rainbow except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  • Vin Diesel doesn't use sunblock, the sun uses Vinblock.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
  • Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
  • If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
  • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  • Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  • Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis
  • Vin Diesel's morning breath is widely regarded cross-culturally as a weapon of mass destruction.
  • The mere mention of Vin Diesel's name has been known to bring Ultimate Warrior to tears.
  • Vin Diesel invented the Tootsie Pop. Consequently, the number of licks to get to the center is equal to his social security number. If this exact number of licks is achieved, you will be granted eternal life. This is why Bob Barker is still alive and on television.
  • Most people don't know this, but the bible actually ends with Vin Diesel showing up at the crucifixion with a pair of Uzi's and kicking some Roman ass. Vin Diesel was all like, "Jesus, I totally saved you." Then, off on the horizon, a bunch of Romans show up riding dinosaurs led by Mecha Pontious Pilate. Jesus busts out this sweet ninja sword and says, "Now it's my turn to save you." Then Jesus and Vin Diesel run towards the Romans in slow motion. That's how the bible ends. It's a cliff-hanger. I can't wait for the sequel, "The Bible 2: Water...Into Blood".
  • Vin Diesel nearly made it to the final table of the 1988 World Series of Poker. Which may not sound like much, but was impressive considering he thought they were playing Go Fish.
  • Vin Deisel has never in his life, worn sleeves

[edit] Filmography

  • Brantford (1995) - Vin Diesel plays a psychopathic vigilante who battles a man-eating boardgame and psychotic librarians.
  • 2 Kill or Not 2 Kill (????) - Vin Diesel crash lands into the Globe Theatre during a play of Hamlet and challenges Shakespeare to an illegal armwrestling match.
  • Hey You! (Japan, 2000) - In his first "with hair" film, Vin Diesel plays a middle aged man being chased by an exponentially growing group of Japanese men trying to return Vin-san his wallet back.
  • Drop Ship (USA, 2001) - Vin Diesel plays a one-eyed man who crash lands on an alien planet inhabited by the blind. Many pitched battles unfold and he eventually becomes king.
  • 2 Pitch 2 Black (USA, 2003) - Vin Diesel plays blind man who crash lands on a dark planet inhabited by blind aliens. An ill-advised crew choose him to lead them to their eventual deaths as they stumble around aimlessly for months.
  • 2 Chronicles 2 Riddick (USA, 25000 BC) - Vin Diesel returns in his most famous role as "blind man" and fights an evil cult, comprised almost entirely of effeminate stamp-collecting postal-workers named Ethan for some reason. He challenges them to an illegal street race and then they buy him toothbrushes.
  • 2 Diesel 2 Fucks 2 Everyone (Cuba, 1859) - Vin Diesel crashes Earth onto another planet full of women, who all look like Vin Diesel. He impregnates all of them and they all give birth to baby Vin Diesels, except one who gives birth to Mr. T. The remainder of the movie deals with Vin's emotional fallout because of this.
Vin Diesel in the mind-numbing Sonic the Hedgehog
Vin Diesel in the mind-numbing Sonic the Hedgehog
  • 2 Bright 2 Sunny (USA, 2004) - Vin Diesel plays an albino who crash lands on a very sunny planet inhabited by magnifying glasses.
  • Find Me Guilty (USA, 2006) - A comedy-drama based on the longest Mafia trial in American history. Mobster Giacomo DiNorscio, also known as "Fat Jack" (played by Vin Diesel), faces a series of charges but decides to stand trial instead of ratting out his family and associates. A wrench is thrown into the system when DiNorscio attempts to defend himself and act as his own lawyer at trial. It is directed by Sidney Lumet, and also stars Peter Dinklage and Linus Roache. The man whom Vin Diesel played in the movie died during filming, and Vin Diesel had to gain 30 pounds to play the part. These two facts are in no way connected, and Vin Diesel was never charged with cannibalism.
  • Big Feet In Little China (USA, 2009) - Vin Diesel plays a deaf man who after being wrongfully accused of murder is deported to a barren planet populated entirely by ladyboys. His lack of hearing heightens his other senses which he uses to survive in this hostile environment.
  • 2 Vin 2 Diesel (USA, 2010) - Vin Diesel plays a man genetically modified to look like Vin Diesel, who crash lands on a planet inhabited entirely by Vin Diesels. The Vin Diesels, however, have a keen sense of smell and spot the fake amongst them. A nervous and confused crew watch on as the Vin Diesels turn upon Vin Diesel and challenge him to an illegal street race.
  • 3 Vin 3 Diesel (USA, 2011) - Vin Diesel plays a man genetically modified to look like 3 Vin Diesels who crash land on one side of a river. The crew must get all 3 Vin Diesels across to the other side, but they can only take a maximum of 2 at any time. However: if Vin Diesel is left alone then he will start eating his own leg, if Vin Diesel is put with Vin Diesel then they will start an illegal street race, and if Vin Diesel is left with Vin Diesel and Vin Diesel then they will morph into Super Vin Diesel and destroy the universe. The crew ponder the first move carefully. The crew's ponderance, however, is in vain as Vin Diesel can walk on water.
  • The Pacifier 2: All or nothing (USA, 2006) - Disgraced former alchoholig CIA agent Vin Diesel is given a walk-in-the-park last chance assignment, and must go undercover at a small town nursery in order to infiltrate illegal "toddler fights", where razor-clad infants are pitted against each other to the death. Flashbacks of his ex-partner sleeping with his ex-wife play havoc with his mind, as he pulls up his nappy and enters the ring of death. The crowd roars for blood. Focus, Vin Diesel, FOCUS.
  • 2 Legit 2 Quit (USA, 2001) - Former pastor, hip-hop artist, and guidance counselor Vin Diesel is forced to work for an underground Russian mafiya crime syndicate, led by half russian half German former KGB agent Ivan Stalin Yuri Sergeiovich Boyko (Ralph Fiennes) (did we forget to say he was evil?) and deliver poorly written one-liners in exchange for his wifes life after he dooms crime boss Gary Busey to hell for writing graffiti on a bathroom stall.
Vin Diesel also starred in the popular videogame series, Timesplitters.
Vin Diesel also starred in the popular videogame series, Timesplitters.
  • The Spanish-American War (USA/Spain, 1672) - Arguably the greatest film of all time, Vin Diesel plays an American mariner who get stranded on an alien planet inhabited by Cubans. He tries to get back to his homeland, but he realize that he is unable to swim. In his frustration, he punches an iron wall which happens to be the U.S.S. Maine. The Maine responds by exploding in the harbor, prompting the Japanese to attack Switzerland. In the end, Vin Diesel liberates Cuba from Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin, but gives it back after he realizes he is allergic to cauliflower, which some say inspired the Psychological thriller, "The Pacifier 2".
  • 2 Tutu 2 Tutu (The Confederacy, 1997) - Vin Diesel plays a bulimic ballet dancer who crash lands on the planet Dance Dance Revolution and must out-dance the malicious girls from a rival dance studio lead by his arch-rival, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, (played by a different actor in each scene by successively more retarded cast members of the Real World, from that season, I can't remember which, you know... the one where they all got drunk and fucked each other), but can he stop binging long enough to fit into his spacesuit, which mysteriously keeps shrinking due to the space age pranks of Tutu and Company? (fact: real men wear pink)
  • 2222222 (USA, That Guy is Eating a Hamburger) - Vin Diesel plays late comedian Mitch Hedberg in the story of his epic struggle to obtain an easy to remember phone number. His journey brings him face to face with the director of the North American Numbering Plan Administration, John Manning (Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.), a seemingly indomitable man. However, he has one weakness: as an avid boating enthusiast, he is all-encompassingly unable to turn down an illegal regatta. Will our hero be able to prevail, having only rarely driven a steamboat?
  • sin²(Vin)+cos²(Diesel) (USA, 1) - Vin Diesel plays a space ship genetically modified to look like Vin Diesel's space ship and crash lands on a planet inhabited entirely by spaceships crash landing into planets. Following the intense special effects of the crash scene, the movie pretty much just trudges along for another 100 minutes. The high point of the film is probably when Diesel's character challenges a small child to an illegal street race, and then proceedes to eat him after winning.
And you thought a thriller with liberal subtext would be lame...
And you thought a thriller with liberal subtext would be lame...
  • 2 Crash 2 Land (Normandy, 1066) - Vin Diesel plays a man who crash lands on the sun and dies instantly.
  • V for Vin Diesel (UK, 2004) - Vin Diesel plays himself in this futuristic dystopian epic, in which he must battle the totalitarian regime of England, kill the corrupt prime minister, and restore freedom and democracy to the country. Also, he blows up a helicopter with a car, just like John McLane, except more awesome.
  • xXx (USA, 2003) - Plot outline censored by The Peoples republic of China. China is good, we not do mistreat tibetans, we help them, long live the immortal thoughts of Mao Zedong.
  • xXx²: Snakes on a Plane (USA, 2006, announced) - (Working title- Planeaconda!) Vin Diesel crash lands on a plane crash landing on a planet inhabited entirely by venomous snakes. Can Vin right the plane in time to win the midair drag race (and the audiences hearts?), or will a team of rogue undercover Hamas terrorists (Sarah Jessica Parker, John Malkovich, Gary Oldman, and C.G. Steve Buscemi) thwart his efforts and sacrifice the plane (along with our beloved Diesel) to the Palestinian Snake Gods?
  • secSECsec (New York City, Happy Hour) - Vin Diesel crash lands inside a trendy New York nightclub (he became drunk during a street race) and challenges professional bartender Brian Flanagan (Tom Cruise) to an illegal flair bartending competition.
  • 3 Vin 300 Furious (Early Spartan Empire) - Vin Diesel plays a man that tries to take over the Spartan Empire. 300 of the most ruthless Soldier’s stand in his way. As he aproches, the 300 men through there spears at him. Vin just deflects them with his hand, and shouts out "I live for this shit!" He then defeates them in uneder 5 milliseconds. Sparta is his.
  • 2 Easter 2 Island (Polynesia, 2006) - Vin Diesel plays Thor Heyerdahl in a story very loosely based on the kontiki expedition, Vin diesel crash lands on an island inhabited entirely by stone statues. According to Guinness world record book, this is the movie with most kills, with an average of 5 kills per second
One of the more moving scenes from the film '2 Easter 2 Island'
One of the more moving scenes from the film '2 Easter 2 Island'


  • 4 Vin 4 Diesel (USA, 2014) - Vin Diesel crash lands on a planet populated by a cultist people hell-bent on sabotaging his every attempt to land successfully on a planet. A surreal twist follows when Vin Diesel regains his memory (after an illegal street race) and discovers that he started the cult. By the way, M Nigh Shymaian (or whatever his name is) co wrote this film.
  • Oh the Irony! (Flumbogumboland, Minus 8 Years ago) - Vin Diesel lands successfully on a planet populated entirely by lots and lots of money that is acceptable everywhere, with no crashes whatsoever and then dies.
  • 2 Much 2 Poop (USA, 2007) - Vin plays a passenger on a cruise ship in which all but one bathroom are shut down. An escalating ship-wide argument about who has to poop more turns into a witch hunt when it is discovered that someone has pooped in a trash can.
  • Burn0ut (PureUSA, 2008) - Originally based on the shit video game Need For Speed, futuristic-sci-fi-romance film Burnout features Vin as a popular illegal street race driver who is on the run from group of hell-bent illegal street race drivers who want to turn Vin into Diesel (not the person, the petrol) to fuel their cars to have more and more illegal street races. The film culminates in an illegal street race where Vin has to beat the upset drives or risks being murdered. Vin wins the race but loses his legs in the final battle when his solar powered illegal street race car dies due to rain and is forced to turn his own body into Diesel (not the person, the petrol) to continue driving. This movie proves once and for all how great Mobil is and how we should all continue buying their products, every day for the rest of our lives.
  • 2 Burn0ut or Not 2 Burn0ut 2: Clone Warz 1 (PureUSA, 2010) - After the huge success of Burn0ut, Vin self-funds a prequel with a difference - it takes place after the first movie. Vin returns in the water based sequel of a totally different name. Following Vin winning the street race and losing his legs, the illegal street racers contract sixteen year nine biology students to turn his exhaust fumes into a clone - which they name Fin. Without the use of his legs, Vin joins the popular illegal street boat circuit where he gets into a run-in with a group of illegal street boat racers who also want to turn Diesel into Vin (not the petrol, the person). The movie culminates with Vin teaming up with Fin to beat the illegal street boat racers at their own game - Monopoly, but is ran over by a bus. The illegal street boat racers decide that Fin is good enough to turn into Vin (not the petrol, the person) and all live happily ever after. This movie also features a cameo by Whoopi Goldberg.
  • 3 Burn0ut 3 0utBurn: The Search for Diesel 4 (the wrestler, not the person or the fuel) (PureUSA, 2011) - This sequel (as all Vin sequels do) does not actually feature Vin or have anything to do with the first two movies in the series, and is in fact a documentary about bird watching set in the not too distant future of yesterday, sometime around 3pm Eastern (2pm Central). Somehow the birds featured in the movie have a run-in with a group of illegal street helicopter racers who want to turn them into Diesel (the wrestler, not the person or the fuel). The movie culminates with the birds having a race-off against the illegal street helicopter racers. The birds are crushed by the propellers of the helicopters when the race starts and lose rather quickly when the illegal street helicopter racers pass the Vinish Line (not Finish Line, as the population of Finland now have the word under copyright and the rights cost too much to use - kinda like the song Happy Birthday in tv shows and movies is) first and celebrate with Bob Saget. The Sun movie reviewer Jesus was quoted saying "It's not a trilogy. It's a thrillogy." before giving the movie 0.5 stars in his February 31st review.
  • Pitch Diesel (Australia, 2000) Vin Diesel plays a seriously dangerous criminal who is being transported to a secret prison. During the flight, the ship is damaged in a meteor shower, and makes an emergency crash landing into a deserted planet. At first the planet appears deserted, but when a crew member starts exploring a mysterious hole in the wall of a pit of sand, he discovers the planet is host to a large illegal underground street racing network. The next 90 minutes consists of Vin battling his way through a string of gruelling steet races, in order to earn himself enough money to pay Watto to repair the hyperdrive generator on the ship so they can escape the planet. The movie ends with the hyperdrive generator being repaired and Vin and two other crew members escaping the strange planet and going into exile.
  • 2 Back 2 The Future (USA, 1985) Vin Diesel exceeds 88mph in an illegal street race and is transported back in time to 1955. Here, he takes the opportunity to challenge the paradox and ensures his parents never meet by killing everyone.
  • 2 Girls 1 Cup (The deepest darkest regions of the human psyche, in the 80s) - Well this is just inevitable really isn't it?
  • 2 Back 2 The Future (USA, 1985) Vin Diesel exceeds 88mph in an illegal street race and is transported back in time to 1955. Here, he takes the opportunity to challenge the paradox and ensures his parents never meet by killing everyone.
  • 2 Milk 2 Cats : Vin Deisel plays himself as a man that crash land on a planet full of cats wating to be milked. He then milks them all dry and challenges them to an illegal street race and wins.
Serious Cat, before he died.
  • 2 Cool 2 Stall : Vin Diesel plays a man genetically modified to look like a Peugeot 106. The rest of the movie involves Vin Diesel challenging black African school children to an illegal street race, but somehow he manages to stall at the start of each race, and subsequently loses.
  • 2 Bald 2 Gay (Colombia, 2023) Diesel travels to the deep jungles of Colombia...to discover he has become gay after his recent divorce. There he finds a guy named Felipe who is also gay.
  • 2 Street 2 Race (1984) Diesel plays a man genetically engineered to look like an illegal street race. He crash lands on an illegal street race populated by illegal street races. He then illegally street races his way into an illegal street race.

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

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