Vincent Valentine
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“I banged his boyfriend.”
~ Vincent Valentine on Hojo
“I banged his girlfriend.”
~ Hojo on Vincent Valentine
“Daddy!”
~ Sephiroth on Vincent Valentine.
“His limit breaks sucked. "Ooooh! Look at me! I can turn into a monster!" Asshole.”
~ Cloud Strife on Vincent Valentine
“No, for the last time, I am not his father. I thought we were done with this crap when I went on Murray.”
~ Vincent Valentine on Sephiroth
“Long hair, good color coordination, those gorgeous eyes.. ”
~ Oscar Wilde on Vincent Valentine
“Life is like a pen of Chocobos, you never know what you're gonna get.”
~ Vincent Valentine's Mom on Vincent Valentine
Vincent Valentine was one of the main characters in Final Fantasy VII. He spends the bulk of the time during the events in Final Fantasy VII either sleeping in a coffin or sitting in the corner of the Highwind talking to himself. The origin of talking to himself was originally due to his fascinating past of prostitution beginning at the age of 4. Despite being one of the two "optional" characters, Vincent developed quite a large fanbase. Vincent was also the star of his own video game, "Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus". He was supposed to host the Teen Choice Awards in 2006, but was replaced by Dane Cook only a few weeks before the event due to bad reviews of DoC. He attempted suicide on September 31st, 2006, but he's undead, so now he has a reason to wear something over his neck.
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[edit] Childhood
As a child, Vincent had a very troubled upbringing. Born with a low IQ as well as defects in his leg muscles, kids at school were continually bullying him. His mother was fiercely over-protective of young Vincent as a result, and is said to have personally stormed out to the homes of those who gave him a hard time.
His struggle with school led other kids to think of him as 'stupid', making fun of his lack of intelligence as well as his strange voice. It was to this he would reply, per his mother's instructions, "Stupid is as stupid does."
Another source of misery was Vincent's other strange qualities- such as a being a vampire and werewolf simultaneously. His classmates would mock him about this in particular, instilling a deep sense of self-consciousness and lack of self-esteem.
Vincent's leg disability, however, was a battle he was able to overcome. Despite the doctor's insistence that he "would never be able to walk normally" without his special metal leg braces, he suddenly did so while being chased by mean Cactaurs. He was so good, in fact, that he went on to win his high school track tournament. (Being cheered on by his childhood friend Lucrecia, saying "Run, Vincent, Run!") From this point on, Vincent was on his way to getting his life back. However, future events would hinder him in his quest for happiness.
[edit] The Turks
A few years before the events of Final Fantasy VII, Vincent was a member of the Turks. During this time, he got a boner for some boy named Cloud. Vincent would often go take breaks from work to go visit him in Nebliem, where they would alegedly huff kittens for hours. During one of their nights out, Hojo took advantage of a high Cloud and boned him and left before he woke up in the morning. A pregnant Cloud assumed Vincent was the father, but Vincent simply replied, "I aint yo baby's daddy!". But this wasn't enough to convince him. Vincent knew this and went into hiding in the basement of a local mansion. While trying to find a suitable hiding spot, Vincent accidentally trapped himself in a coffin where he was stuck for approximately 30 years and is going to hold a surprise birthday party so no one must kn...damn. Eventually he was woken by Cloud and company, where after a long monologue about how his life sucked (which somehow implied that sleeping in a coffin would make everything better), he performed some sort of slow-motion triple backflip and went back too sleep, where he was left to brood about his own incompetence. Regardless of his pathetic battle stats, Cloud and friends annoyingly continued to pop the lid off his coffin until he was forced to join the party out of sheer irritation. He serves no plot significance for the duration of the game, although he can be used in the PC version to hop all over Aeris' corpse after fighting Jenova (which doesn't appear to bother Cloud or the obligatory other party member at all).
[edit] Controversy At The Aeris Gainsborough Murder Trial
Main Article: Aeris Gainsborough Murder Trial
Due to Vincent's role as an "optional" character in Final Fantasy VII, When Vincent took the stand, he answered each question with a series of "I don't know"-s and "Maybe"-s and without showing any sympathy for the victim or her family and friends. When leaving the stand, Vincent exploded and let loose a harsh rant filled with obscene language, body gestures, and racial slurs. Shortly after, Vincent held a press conference apologizing and put out this statement.
“Look, you've got to understand. I'm an optional character. I MAY have been there when she was killed, or maybe I wasn't. This is the way RPGs work. I'm sorry I cannot be of any help to the case.”
~ Vincent Valentine on Aeris' death
[edit] 1998-2005
Vincent was involved in many projects between The 7 years away from video games. He started the reggee band with Squall Leonhart and Vivi Ornitier called "Sector 7". They only released one album entitled "The Nightmares". The first and only single was called, "Darkness" and featured Rick James. It never made the Top 200.
In 1999, Vincent starred in a teen comedy called, "Check Out What I've Got In My Front Pocket". Vincent's character is trying to woo one of the popular girls at a house party. At the end of the night, everyone learns an important life lesson and Vincent has sex with a very drunk Yuffie... we don't know how she got on set. But my best friend who worked at the set got me the whole thing on tape but if the company finds out due to info leakege their gonna kill hi... Dammit
During the next few years, Vincent took it easy. Only doing brief cameos in films and maybe a TV spot here and there. He most notably did a commercial for Bounty paper towels, and has become a crime lord in Cuba but the IRS don't know so luckly the info won't leak around the inter... Damn In 2004, Vincent and most of the original cast of Final Fantasy VII were asked to reprise their roles for "Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children". Vincent, along with almost everyone from the original cast signed up for the project. The only ones who didn't were Mr. T (aka Barret) and Aeris. When asked to comment on the movie, Mr. T said, "I pity the fool who wrote this sub-par script!".
Aeris couldn't be reached for comment, because she's dead, or is she?...y...yes she is. (No Aeris, go back to bed babe.)
[edit] 2006: The Rise and Fall of "V-Tine"
Due to the success of Advent Children, Vincent decided to try to make a return to the video game market. Once the word got out, Vincent was a star again. Months leading up to the game's release, Vincent was invited to the hottest parties and sexiest orgies. Unfortunatly, once some of the reviews for the game came out, Vincent was back to his life of non-existance (although the game was still "moderatly successful").
“He was thinking about it since the PS3 Tech Demo came out. I kept on telling him, "No. People don't want to pay money for a crappy shooting game based off you. The story sucks. The controls suck. And what's with the HP/MP system? This isn't a turn based game. Are you retarded?" But NOOO. He didn't listen to me.”
~ A Square Enix represenative on Dirge of Cerberus
vincent valentine now is married to *ada wong the only person from *residentevil anyone remebers.and like to....well anything sexual
[edit] General Facts
- He really is goddam depressing
- Vincent once halucinated he was in an alternate dimension while huffing kittens with Lucrecia. He then got excited, went home, and typed up a script for a T.V. show. Three months and one alternate universe later, Digimon was released. It was originally going to star Vincent, but Toei decided that it was a kids show and Vincent was too damn depressing.
- Is known for popping out from behind bushes with an afro and shooting [innocent inpressionable deserving bystanders] in the face
- All Your kirsten razeys are belong to Vincent.
- Vincent has starred in various movies. A fine example is his role of Jason Voorhees in the hit movie series Friday the 13th, proof being the fact that he had appeared in Final Fantasy 7 as "Hellmasker," although we all know the dude with the chainsaw and goalie mask was really poor Jason...erm...I mean Vincent...
Understanding of why he changed his name from Vincent Valentine to Jason in Friday the 13th series is unknown.
- Vincent was once a very happy cheerleader. He's a natural blonde, doncha know?
- Vincent once destoyed a bus full of kids using chaos....the trial's still going on...
- Vincent enjoys his chocolate milk, shaken not stirred. Yeah, and that Bus destroying case? One of the kids was a fangirl and gave him stirred chocolate milk via, email (however that works), and as a result turned into Chaos and sought to destroy that girl.
- Yuffie has once heard Vincent sing "Miko Miko Nurse" in the shower.
- Vincent still can't find a flaming cell phone.
- Vincent and L Lawliet were best friends in L's emo stage.
- Vincent doesn't just kill you, he kills you and fucks your nan!!!
