Viola
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“What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist? Vibrato.”
“What do you do with a dead violist? Move him forward a desk.”
“A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor. Business before pleasure.”
“Ich bin ein Bratsche!”
“Who the devil are you?”
~ a viola player on the conductor
“The viola is commonly played by infirm violinists, or by decrepit players of wind instruments who happen to have been acquainted with a stringed instrument once upon a time ... it was pointed out to me that in a large orchestra, which contained eight violas, there was only one player who could deal with the rather difficult passages in one of my later scores!”
“The viola is commonly regarded as of little importance in the musical establishment. The reason may well be that it is often played by persons who are either still beginners in the ensemble or have no particular gifts with which to distinguish themselves on the violin, or that the instrument yields all too few advantages to its players, so that able people are not easily persuaded to take it up.”
~ J. J. Quantz
The Viola is a stringed musical instrument that was supposed to be a violin, but was in fact rejected by inspector 9 due to having too long of a neck. It is easy to tell the difference between a viola and a violin because the violin has an 'inspected by inspector 9' tag on it, whereas the viola does not. The viola was accepted into the string family of instruments in 1688.
In spite of this historical handicap, viola players have still held a respectable position in the orchestra community, under the violins of course. Viola players are often outwardly hostile toward violin players, though the humble violinists show no sign of aggression towards the viola sections. Contrary to popular belief that violinists secretly pray each night for a viola position, violinists have proven this false, a lie inspired by the violas to provoke rash actions from violinists no doubt. It is common knowledge that violas are envious of the superior parts of the orchestra, or symphony if they make it there. During long rehearsals, viola players have been known to regularly beat violin players senseless out of spite, which has caused their recent drop in popularity.
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[edit] Fun facts
- Today the Viola is still best used as kindling wood.
- Violas don't burn very well, but that doesn't stop most people.
- Viola parts are composed so that they are inaudible from the audience.
- Violii is the plural word for Viola because Violas looks too foreign.
- In spite of its erroneous creation, the viola is exactly 14.8 times better than the violin. This is because the Viola can contain more beer.
- It is rumored that God plays the viola, and the banjo.
- All Cello suites were originally written for the Viola.
- Although few admit it, most violinists change to viola after learning the fundamentals.
- The viola has the power to become invisible when no one is looking (and when people are listening).
- The viola's F-hole is a capital F, unlike other instruments in its family.
- Even violists like viola jokes. Laughing at ones self tends to make reality take the backseat.
- There are only one instrument playing more in tune than the viola, the oboe.
- Conductors often refer to the "first viola" section in the orchestra as the "sixth or whatever violins".
- Violas burn longer than a violin.
[edit] Famous violists
- Abraham Lincoln, Princess Diana, Batman, Albert Einstein, and Jesus Christ's brother, Jerry, were violists.
- You wish you played the viola.
- When President George W. Bush was in third grade he wanted so badly to play the viola, but was not allowed.
- Jenna Jameson once used a viola for sexual pleasure in her famous video, "Beaver Suite".
- Ray Charles accidentally sat on a viola on October 21, 1966. When he began to weep uncontrollably, his secret passion for the viola, rather than the piano, was revealed.
- Paul Hindemith is a famous viola player and composer, but you don't care about him, or even know who he is. His most famous composition is Trauermusik, which scares the shit out of people and makes them suicidal. His music is frequently used by American interrogators in Iraq.
[edit] Statistics
- 76% of all violists that have played the Viola for at least 30 years have only played the melody 3 times.
- 96% of all Viola music is blank. 100% of musicians think this is a good thing.
- 217% of all Violists have never touched a viola. Ever. This unusual phenomenon occurs because whenever the violist states that he or she is so, everyone just takes their word for it.
[edit] Viola Jokes
- what's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer
- What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
- What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
- How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
- What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
- What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.
- Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
- How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
- Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
- What is the range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.
- If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.
- Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
- Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.
- How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
Divide the metronome marking by 2.
- Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
Neither did I.
- What's the difference between a viola and a hooker?
I've never done a hooker.
