Virgin Trains
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“My male lover is like a virgin train - he never cums when he's timetabled to”
~ Oscar Wilde on Virgin Trains
A Vermin (Virgin) Train is a form of time travel capsule that at 87mph can take it's occupants to any desired place and time, but usually London Euston. Unfortunately these time machines can only, at present, travel forward in time, meaning passengers can find themselves arrving at their destinations several hours or even days later than their estimated arrival time. The biggest flaw in Richard Branson's plans became apparent when it was discovered that he'd not bought trains at all, but some cans and plastic bottles from Virgin Cola which happened to look like a high speed train.
As such, the desired 87mph was never possible, so on arrival at the end of the line they have to stop; this is usually London Euston anyway. There has been some controversy regarding the fuel that is used to power the trains; baby foxes - from one journey to Euston from Manchester the train averages around 4 miles to the fox (MP/F). Environmentalist weirdos, Greenpeace say 'You're a twat you Branson'.
[edit] Services
Virgin trains stole all the mainline routes from lesser train companies who still currently use steam and horse drawn carriages. This has come under scrutiny from Worst (First) Group who run these 19th Century services as Virgin's punctuality rate is just 3%, with that 3% coincidentally breaking down before reaching journey's end.
Currently Virgin offers cheap prices when compared to the private hire jet aircraft companies - having the average 5th Class or, Virgin's well known 'Club-club-traveller-economy-shit' compartments of their trains, coming out at about £7000 per hour of travel. First class customers pay typically 5 times more than this standard fare.
[edit] Train Problems
Virgin rolled out a fleet of tilting trains on it's network but nobody took the non-tiliting trains into consideration run by other operators. There have been 957 accidents upto February 2007 regarding these trains tilting over into the path of a non-tilting train.
The Class 390 Pendelino has also been criticized for consuming too many baby foxes and thus putting on too much weight - a team situated at every railway bridge in the country under the name 'Virgin Bridge Fixers' work day and night, sometimes, to rebuild the damage of the pendelino crossing the bridge. Despite this, Branson still makes £25,000,000 on every train journey carried out in the UK.
[edit] See Also
Network Rail aka Notwork Fail, previously Railcack
