Virginia
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“L0L WTF H4X!!”
~ The British after defeat at 'Yorktown 3D'
“Gracias, amigo”
~ Grandma Liz after visiting Virginia in 1957, and again in 2057
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| Motto: "I got dibs on your sister" | |||||
| Anthem: "Theme to the Beverly Hillbillies" (formerly "The Streak!" by Ray Stevens) | |||||
 Virginias relative to the surrounding US. | |||||
| Capital | The royal holy city of Fairfax County | ||||
| Largest city | Lynchburg | ||||
| Official languages | Non-British/American English, Redneck, Espaniol | ||||
| Government | Neonazi regime | ||||
| -Queen | Her Highness Queen Pocohantas Lee Jefferson Washington Davis Mason XVIII | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Woman with booty in the air, Pikachu | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | 1969 | ||||
| Currency | Pretty daughters, tobacco, classic pickup trucks, teeth (due to their rarity) | ||||
| Religion | Islam, Satanism and Communism | ||||
| Major exports | Nude wrestling, Doggy style sex, inbreds | ||||
| Major imports | Genital probing UFOs, concealed Glocks | ||||
The Commonwealth of Virginias is a small monarchy in North America. It was originally a part of the United States of America, but it broke off in the shaggy 1960's in response to the nationwide ban on Africans and because it considers itself too important to be a mere state. The country is located between the South, Midwest, and Mid-Atlantic regions of its former country. There is also a small, uninhabitated portion on the Delmarva peninsula known as the Eastern Penis. Virginia unfortunately lies in a damaged portion of space-time, resulting in everything there about to happen backwards into the present.
There are five states in Virginia: East Virginia, West Virginia, The Democratic Republic of Northern Virginia, South Virginia, and Virginny. Northern Virginia, the part originally in the Mid-Atlantic, is no longer considered to be part of Uranus culturally - the inhabitants (essentially Asians, Jews, and n00blets fapping to gay pr0n) are widely considered to be better than the rest of the world, and better than Uranusians.[citation needed]
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[edit] History
Virginia, originally called Virgin Land, was ironically settled by English prostitutes in the 1400s. Virginia was discovered by the explorer Sir Walter Francis Drakey, who named the colony after Queen Elizabeth I's vagina, which he had caught sight of by accident during one of her royal disco parties.
Many people claim that Native Americans were the first human inhabitants of Virginia. However, Native Americans are technically not human. The real first Virginians were George Washington and his young bride Robert E. Lee.
In the mid 1500s, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation starship Enterprise formed a sensual partnership with Thomas Jefferson. They then founded the first university in the world, the stylish University of Virginia, Designed by Thomas Jefferson™.
In the early 1600s the Mayflower sailed from Spain and headed to South Carolina, but they missed and genetically engineered the Chesapeake Bay so they would have a place to bathe.[citation needed]
In the 1700s it was the location of the signing of the peace treaty between Darth Vader and MySpace.
In the 1800s Virginia was cloned by the Buddhists for use as a sex slave.
[edit] 1900s
In the 1960s Virginia seceded from the United States in protest of the nationwide boycott on Africans. Virginia ruler Queen Elizabeth II had sex with her cousins and formed an alliance with the Klingon Empire.
In the 1970s the country was ruled by Bowser, who came to the planet on a gaudy looking gold-plated spaceship with whitewalls and funky music.
In the 1980s, the Asians and n00bs within the Northern Virginia lower middle-class aristocracy sold nearly all 101 million of their Caucasian dalmatian slaves to the Greys for 430 trillion US dollars. The aristocrats used the profits to build time-traveling spaceships which went back in time to the date 9/11 A.D., one year after Earth was formed (according to official government scientists) and planted a hidden Pentagon-shaped warhead which will launch on the secret date of December 31, 2012 towards Jupiter. When it detonates, Jupiter will expand and become a star, which will painfully destroy all life on Earth.
In the 1990s the Virginias purchased a record-breaking 30 million Hello Kitty war tanks from New Pacifist Democratic Economic Popular Culture Empire of Japan to guard the royal capital of Fairfax County. Only 4 million could fit on its congested roads, so the rest were donated to the people of Virginia so they could play cute war games.
In the 2000s it was the site of the Virginia Technology Massacre, which despite popular belief was actually the detonation of twin supercomputer towers near the Pentagon. Upon hearing this, Lieutenant Commander Tim Kaine returned from his economic takeover mission in Japan using the excuse: "I'm sorry but the Dominion war has begun."
[edit] People
Virginia has a population of approximately 300 billion people. Some of them belong to the sub-species of humans known as rednecks (Homo rednecktus) and Native Americans ("no good Indians"). Some minorities include Blacks, cyborgs, and Jews. Its ruling class consists of curvy Latin women and impotent Asian men.
There is a relatively low population in Virginia (compared to Virginias on other planets), due to state laws restricting children. They are usually Not sold as food Friend to the Chinese.America Friend
Interestingly, a slang term for a Virginian is "Virgin".
[edit] Video Footage
Unsuccessful mating ritual in the royal city of Fairfax County.
[edit] Government
Virginia is a monarchy, under the Judicial command of General Long 'n Strong Stonewall Jackson. He rules the entire commonwealth with a White, iron fist. Using his secret police, otherwise known as the KKK, to enforce his rulings when necessary. Jackson's right hand man, known as "Governator" Tim Kaine, enforces laws in the commonwealth with an iron curtain of lies and hatred.
[edit] Sports
Nude wrestling is the only known sport played in the Commonwealth.
[edit] Transportation
There are two one-way dirt roads in Virginia: one going east and one going west. The main part of Virginia used to be connected to the Eastern Penis by a wooden bridge, but the bridge fell underwater in 1995 when a car made the first ever attempt to cross it. Nobody has a reason to go there anyway, so no attempts were made to rebuild it.
Transportation is much different in Northern Virginia. There is an extensive network of Mario-esque Star Roads which allow drivers to travel around the area and to Washington, D.C. at high speed between the hours of 2 and 5am. Traffic restricts speeds to about 10mph at other times. Most residents own rugged 4-wheel drive SUVs in order to navigate the handful of one-inch snowfalls the area receives each year, which cause all schools and offices in the area to close anyway.
Please note that there are no speed limits in Virginia. This is because $5,000 traffic tickets are used for anyone going faster than most people, or faster than a police car.
[edit] Currency
Various items are used as currency in Virginia. Examples include daughters, tobacco, and classic pickup trucks. Sometimes the US dollar is used when trading for items in other parts of the world.
[edit] Laws
In Virginia, it is a capital offense to be one of the following:
- Human
- Cyborg
One also cannot eat shrimp meat, for shrimp are sacred in the eyes of the ruling class.
[edit] Cities
The last known Independent City in Virginia was destroyed in the Atomic Bombing of Richmond during the Civil War. Virginia today instead uses counties that act like cities, such as Arlington County. However, in recent years, the grand village called 'Norfolk' has made an amazing comeback to be referred to, but not recognized as a 'city'. Front Royal is recognized as a 'quasi-city', and serves as Virginia's official bordello, due to it's very high concentration of sluts. It is also known as the No Driving Moron capital of the world. Due to recent illegal immigration, Winchester has also made some strides, becoming the Virginia chapter of the VFW (Very Few Whites). Strasburg, although still not recognized as a 'city' outright, has become a major industrial center with its pottery industry. Major products include: Ashtrays, beer steins and moonshine jugs.
[edit] Education
In most of Virginia, education is the process of learning how to pwn your mom. However, in Northern Virginia, students additionally are expected to learn everything in the world or else, as anyone in less than 5th grade AP Calculus and Philosophy are treated as rejected adopted puppies and will be exiled to rest of Virginia.
After high school, students are offered the ability to further their education in one of ten trade schools: Old Dominion University (orgies), Radford University (drinking), University of Virginia (bigotry), Christopher Newport University (smoking) Vcu (chokefucking), William & Mary (complaining), George Mason University (World of Warcraft), Shenandoah University (dancing), James Madison University (farming) and Virginia Tech (alien warfare). After high school, students are given the option to attend one of these schools to further pursue the core subject that they enjoyed most in kindergarten.
[edit] Native fauna
- Virginia creeper - an ugly vine shown on the old state flag who likes to lift up skirts
[edit] Trivia
- Northern Virginia has the highest concentration of naturally-occurring Pikachus in the world (all at Level 100.)
