Virus (computer)

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Computer Virus!

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Example of anti-viral software. Compatible with human brain version 6.0.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Computer virus.

For the Viruses that will infect you, see Cure for the worst plague ever

For the Roman Emperor of the same name, see Claudius Imperius Virus

“Getting a virus is like your computer having unprotected sex with the internet.”

~ That One Guy

“YOU SHALL SUFFER THE WRATH OF XORAX.”

~ XORAX on himself

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Downloading finnish Hikipedia :P

Main Page

1 Properties
2 Discovery and History
3 Viruses in the Environment
4 Role of Viruses in Human Society
5 What Would Life Without Viruses Be Like?
6 From Wikipedia
7 Known Viruses
8 External Links

[edit] Properties

A virus (plural viruses, virii, viruseses, or viral thingies) is a tiny infectious nerf soccerball which enters the body through unprotected orifices and rapidly multiplies by feasting upon the juicy and delectable tissues of the brain, often turning the victims into zombies and/or Christians in the process. Some viruses are naturally occuring, such as Michelangelo, Human Funk Deficiency Virus, disco fever, and The Clapper, while others are artificially produced, such as AIDS, spring fever, and The Clap.

[edit] Discovery and History

The common virus. Shown here in 3x magnification.

Viruses were invented by Wil Wheaton and Einstein as a last ditch effort to save Portugal from Leonard Nimoy Typecasting Disease. They experimented with a variety of potential cures, such as computer encrusted women, cadmium encrusted thetans, Unobtainium enveloped Michael Jackson. Their research was fraught with attacks by people controlled by Leonard Nimoy Typecasting Disease. They were saved at the last minute when Dr. Who invented the parabola and donated it to Wil Wheaton in exchange for a Star Trek plot device.

[edit] Viruses in the Environment

While they are often dismissed as mere non-sentient diseases, viruses possess a rudimentary intelligence, self awareness, and social structure. They prefer to remain in the company of sentient hosts, and dislike the negative connotation of the term infection, preferring instead to be called unexpected guests or surprise visitors.

Viruses are family-oriented, and mate and reproduce early and vigorously, though their organic similarities soon makes it difficult to determine who's married to whom. Despite best intentions, the result is a rather sick and incestuous biological orgy, which may explain why the most repulsive and socially inept members of the human species are often also the leading microbiologists.

When habitation of a living host is impossible or impractical, simulated bipedal life forms such as lawn gnomes and pink plastic flamingos can serve as temporary lodging. As such, the World Health Organization warns against the use of such decor, a position that leading experts like Christopher Lowell have been preaching for years.

[edit] Role of Viruses in Human Society

Viruses perform a vital role in society, bringing people faith, love, joy and eventual destruction. Some scientists suggest that viruses play an important role in wiping out the weak and evil. The main problem with this theory is viruses' tendency to attack the strong and good, thus making them the weak and evil. One must not discount a virus's role in organised religion. Thousands of Americans fall victim to viruses every year only to be miraculously cured by gospel preachers. This allows the church to maintain their strong-hold on the deluded public of their world. Viruses also bring families together. How many people have only realised the true worth and scabbiness of a relative when their life is threatened by smallpox? Viruses also eliminate the problem of wagging, skiving and malingering by creating a real need for laziness, and so abolishing one of the Western World's biggest downfalls. No one ever chucks a sicky in Tanzania, because they are all actually dying.

[edit] What Would Life Without Viruses Be Like?

Life without viruses would be a very lonely place. Mostly due to the absence of something to talk about at the coffee machine. People would become living divine gods that would then colonize other worlds and systems and eventually becomes viruses themselves. The end result would still bring a rather large case of wombats regardless of where you would go.

[edit] From Wikipedia

"Viruses have genes and show to complex molecules."

[edit] Known Viruses

This list contains a great deal of computer-only viruses

666 VIRUS, also known as GODDESS VIRUS and DIVINE LESBIANITY VIRUS - It is better known as the cure for the worst plague ever.
7TH DAY ADVENTIST VIRUS - Very destructive - disables your system every Saturday, but let's it start up again on Sunday morning.
12 DAYS VIRUS - On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me...
ABRAHAM LINCOLN VIRUS - Claims it's giving freedom by deleting critical system components.
ACUTE HAEMORRHAGIC PNEUMONOSYPHILAIDSORRHEA POX VIRUS
A.I.D.S.™ VIRUS, also known as HIGHLY INTELLIGENT VIRUS - Bad! Bad! Really Bad!
YOUR MOM VIRUS - Prevents you from watching "not for children websites"
BIN LADEN VIRUS - Continues to hide in its own set of network connections.
BIN LADEN VIRUS – #2 - Crashes the computer and then instructs the anti-viral software to delete the SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS.
BIN LADEN VIRUS – #3 – Fights against the SOVIET UNION VIRUS in the first cycle, crashes the host computer in the second cycle and does business deals with the GEORGE W. BUSH VIRUS in the third cycle.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
AL GORE UNIX VIRUS - Whenever you inquire about one of your environment variables, it shows you the current settings, but then tacks on an alarmist message concerning the future of the variable.
AIRLINE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - Terminates and stays resident. It vill be bahk.
AT\&T VIRUS - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
BAPTIST VIRUS - Immerses your hard-drive in water, secretly drinks beer on Friday night, memory chips go for a smoke behind your computer when you hit pause.
BIRTHDAY VIRUS - Keeps advancing your clock by another year.
BOB DOLE VIRUS - Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
BORAT VIRUS- Has "Sexy Time" with your hard drive
BORIS YELZIN VIRUS - It reformats your drive and alters your PC's basic operating principles every ten minutes, making it completely inoperative. Meanwhile, an on screen message begs you to be patient and wait 90 days for results.
BOSNIA-HERTZEGOVINA VIRUS - Under the influence of this Eastern European virus, your PC's components continuously break down into tiny, squabbling factions.
C*A*M*P* VIRUS - CompuServe*America Online*Microsoft Network*Prodigy* Need I say more?
CHARISMATIC VIRUS - Promises a blessing on the 'Next' click perpetually.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS - Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE VIRUS - Your hard drive isn't really down, you just think it is.
CHUCK NORRIS TEXAS JUSTICE VIRUS - Causes your hard drive to roundhouse kick all the other components in the processor every time you download some more pr0nz.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS - Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286AT.
CLINTON VIRUS - Gives you a hard drive with no memory.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS - Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS - #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS - #2 The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is cause by the other side.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS - #3 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS - #4 Overdraws your disk space.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS - #1 Prevents your system from spawning any child process with joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS - #2 There is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe just cannot figyour out watt!
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS - #3 Said to cause speling erors in files stored on your disc.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS - #4 Forces your computer to play PGA TOUR from 10am to 4pm, six days a week.
DARTH VADER VIRUS - #1 Makes your computer's hard drive die, and then come back reformatted, but with much crappier performance.
DARTH VADER VIRUS - #2 Speeds up your computer's performance, at the cost of slightly overheating your system, and making a weird cooling cycle noise.
DAVID DUKE VIRUS - Makes your screen go completely white.
DICK CHENEY VIRUS - #1 Causes your computer components to not recognize each other and destroy themselves.
DICK CHENEY VIRUS - #2 Laughs whenever critical system components start up.
DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in your computer goes goofy.
DIVORCE VIRUS - Causes your computer to go into a mid-cycle crisis and steals every file on the hard drive. Computer eventually becomes unresponsive.
DR. HANNIBAL LECTER VIRUS - It eats the heart out of your PC with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS - Disks can no longer be inserted.
ELVIS VIRUS - Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
EMERIL LAGASSE VIRUS - Causes your computer to go "BAM!" whenever you try to boot it, and shut down.
EMO VIRUS - starts growing long USB cables, and chips it's hard drive.
EPISCOPAL VIRUS - All files self-delete after a pre-determined time, so that the hard drive never fills to more than 30\% of capacity.
E.T. VIRUS - Locks up your modem by phoning home.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
FORCE DELL VIRUS
FREUDIAN VIRUS - #1 Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
FREUDIAN VIRUS - #2 Your computer becomes envious of your friend's hard drive.
FREUDIAN VIRUS - #3 Your computer starts chipping it's USB port, and starts sending up error messages, such as "Leave me alone, so I can cry in a corner.", and that all time favorite: "A.I. is so cruel to me."
GALLUP VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minute a 3.5 percent margin of error).
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS - It starts by boldly saying, 'Read my docs... no new files!' on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, and then blames it on the CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS.
GEORGE W BUSH VIRUS - #2 Intermittently masks the pixel colors on your screen, so that you never get the whole picture.
GEORGE W BUSH VIRUS - #3 Starts declaring war on your mobile phone, claiming that the phone has an arial which can convert to a missile.
GEORGE MICHAELS VIRUS - Runs its course, occasionally releasing data buildup.
GEORGE LOPEZ VIRUS - #1 Causes your computer monitor to swell massively.
GEORGE LOPEZ VIRUS - #2 Whenever you attempt to boot the computer, it thinks it can do it without your help, and then ends up failing miserably.
GINGER VIRUS
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
GRIDLOCK VIRUS - Keeps shuffling information that it calls 'bills' between your CPU and BUS, sending messages like 'House Bill #xxxx is unacceptable to Senate'. Never gets any work done.
HEADON VIRUS - #1 Applies itself directly to your forehead.
HEADON VIRUS - #2 Applies itself directly to your forehead.
HEADON VIRUS - #3 Applies itself directly to your forehead.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for \$4,500.
HEHE VIRUS
HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON VIRUS - #1 Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON VIRUS - #2 Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
I LOVE YOU VIRUS - At first, it will occasionally post little love notes, but it quickly escalates, with it telling you out loud that it cares for you. In the last stage, it will ask to marry you. If you say no, it will shut down and then explode.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS - Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
I.N.LAWZ.R.HERE VIRUS - Causes foreign files to download on your computer every hour, and makes your computer eventually stop working if used for more than 2 hours. Virus starts on midnight of every Thursday, and stop on noon on every Monday. If the Just Married Virus is found on your hard drive, the viruses are both deleted and the Divorce virus will take their places.
IRISH VIRUS - Tells you to delete all the files on your hard-drive manually and pass on the virus, manually.
JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS - #1 Deletes all old files.
JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS - #2 Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS - #3 Enables irreparably damaged files to delete themselves.
JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS - #4 Helps your computer shut down whenever you want it to, but it can never be reset of rebooted again. This virus only attacks Terminal Cases.
JACK THOMPSON VIRUS - Whenever you try to play a video game on your computer, this virus tries to delay the game from starting, but eventually gives up.
JAMES BROWN VIRUS - Plays screaming waves, constantly insists that it feels good. Auto terminates and deletes on Christmas Day.
JANE FONDA VIRUS - Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS VIRUS - #1 Keeps banging your head in the hard drive!
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS VIRUS - #2 Deletes all but 144,000 select files.
JERRY BROWN VIRUS - News your screen and flashes an 800 number.
JERRY SPRINGER VIRUS - The chair next to your computer hurls toward you.
JERRY SEINFELD VIRUS - Spews bad jokes at you until your head explodes.
JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS VIRUS - Perpetually books trips to Miami and buys jewelry online with your credit cards.
JEWISH VIRUS - 8 days after delivery, your new computer looses the tip of its joystick, ouch!
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS - Your programs can never be found again.
JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS - Only attacks minor files.
JURASSIC PARK VIRUS - Makes V20 computers more advanced than a 486 then duplicates the new computers.
JUST MARRIED VIRUS - Slowly kills your hard drive with annoying pop-ups, and steals files. If the I.N.LAWZ.R.HERE Virus is found on your hard drive, the viruses are both deleted and the Divorce virus will take their places.
KENNETH STARR VIRUS - Completely examines every aspect of your computer, and then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.
LAPD VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by other files on your PC and erases them in self-defense.
LEFT-WING DRIVEL VIRUS - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.
LEONARD NIMOY VIRUS - Denies being a virus but later admits it is.
LIBERAL VIRUS - Tells the user to help the smaller programs but does nothing its self. If the George Bush virus is present, the liberal virus will constantly send error messages and hold protests no matter what. If the Hillary Clinton virus is detected the liberal virus will praise it and hold campaign rallies no matter what.
LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS - #1 Your hard disk turns into a 3.5 floppy.
LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS - #2 Reformats your hard drive to a 3.5 inch floppy, and then discards it through Windows.
LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS - #3 Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it, but that part will never work again.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS - It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
MARTHA STEWART VIRUS - #1 Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little dollies to be displayed on your desktop.
MARTHA STEWART VIRUS - #2 It takes over your PC and oh so tastefully alters your color palettes to lovely muted pastels.
MCDONALDS VIRUS - Causes your processor to grow to 500% of its original size.
MCI VIRUS - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT\&T VIRUS.
MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS - Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car and hang your baby out the window.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after two bytes of your EAR. (EAR stands for Electronic Application Reserve, and is also known as your storage memory.)
MISTER T VIRUS - Whenever you try to open up a program to remove this virus, it plays an audio file that says "I pity the foo who tries to removes me!", and then deletes the program.
MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, and then emails everyone about what it did.
NATIONAL ENQUIRER VIRUS - It incessantly scans your files for evidence that you are cross-dressing, have been abducted by aliens, or are secretly dating Princess Di.
NEOCONSERVATIVE VIRUS – uses a system crash as an excuse to take over the internet.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS - Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
NIKE VIRUS - Just does it.
NINJA VIRUS - Carves your CDs into ninja stars.
NORTON IS-A-VIRUS - Very popular
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS - #1 You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS - #2 It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS - #1 Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS - #2 Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
THE OLE KRISTIAN WORM - Keeps restarting your computer.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - #1 Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - #2 Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, and then slowly expands to 200MB.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS - #1 Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software. Frequently accompanies to the Right-to-Life and the Randall Terry Virus.
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS - #2 Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:\>.
PAMELA ANDERSON VIRUS- Turns your 3 1/2 Inch Floppy into Hard Disk.
PARIS HILTON VIRUS- Goes down and screws your hard drive
PENTACOSTAL VIRUS - Keeps inviting you to click on web sites of elaborate beauticians.
PETER GRIFFIN VIRUS - Infects your system with other viruses, making you forget all about it.
PINTO VIRUS - Sets your computer on fire.
PBS VIRUS - Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS - Never identifies itself as a 'VIRUS,' but instead refers to itself as an 'electronic micro-organism'.
PONZI VIRUS - It logs onto your bank's computer and transfers \$msg into the accounts of the owners of the last 10 computers it was on. It then attaches itself to the next 10 items of mail you send.
PROZAC VIRUS - Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
QWERTY VIRUS
RAMBO VIRUS - Protects your CPU, but attacks any systems it perceives as enemies.
RANDALL TERRY VIRUS - Prints 'Oh no you don’t!' whenever you choose (A)bort from the (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail message.
RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS - Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS - #2 – Blows up your computer if you delete undeveloped files.
RIGHT-WING HARDLINER VIRUS - Won't allow any changes on your system, but keeps saying that things will get better as soon as it takes over the White House.
RITA VERDONK VIRUS - Kicks all foreign files of your computer, even if they've been on your PC for over 10 years. Also regularly sends your software into a conflict, but even if you try to delete it always stays in your hard drive.
ROMAN CATHOLIC VIRUS - Guilt trips the hell out of your hard drive so that it won't spin up any more.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS - #1 Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS - #2 This virus creates serious problems in memory.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS - #1 Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS - #2 Runs for awhile, leaves the system, then re-appears, but with less effect.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS - #3 When you boot, it displays a message saying that it is thinking of running. Then it scans the disk for competing operating systems, and if it finds any, shuts down immediately.
SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS - Just Hangs Around.
SEARS VIRUS - Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
SHARON STONE VIRUS - Makes a huge initial impact, when you forget it's there.
SONNY BONO VIRUS - Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.
SPICE GIRLS VIRUS - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop with graphical effects which eats up most of the memory resources.
SPIKE LEE VIRUS - It makes your screen go totally black.
STAR TREK VIRUS - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS - All files are reported as the same size.
SUPER AIDS VIRUS - This is human Virus transmitted by VISTA
TED TURNER VIRUS - Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
TEENAGE VIRUS - You can get your PC to do what you want, but only after an interminable argument that leaves you feeling horribly guilty.
TEXAS VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
TIM ALLEN VIRUS - Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
TIPPER GORE VIRUS - When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky virus) - Your whole computer goes down.
TONYA HARDING VIRUS - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
TONY BLAIR VIRUS - Your computer starts stammering and declaring a better britain in tommorow's world.
TYPE-A VIRUS - It makes your hard drive hard driven.
UNITARIAN VIRUS - #1 Opens a LOT of windows, but for no apparent reason.
UNITARIAN VIRUS - #2 It opens all windows and lets you view back into your computers life as an 8088.
VAMPYRE VIRUS - Your PC can operate only at night, and its performance really sucks.
VIAGRA VIRUS - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
W32.KLEZ VIRUS - Travels through wormholes in the Win32API.
WARREN COMMISSION VIRUS - Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
WILLIARD SCOTT VIRUS - Keeps track of all family birthdays and renders verbose birthday wishes each time you request weather predictions.
WINDOWS VIRUS - Takes control of your computer (and you mind), rapes yo mama then steals all your personal information and send it to Microsoft's Spying Data Network (MSDN).
WOODY ALLEN VIRUS - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
WORLD OF WARCRAFT THE VIRUS
X-FILES VIRUS - all your icons start shape shifting.
XORAX VIRUS - Your computer gets delusions of grandeur and starts threatening you in all-caps
XIAN VIRUS, also known as IGNORANCE VIRUS - drastically lowers the performances and reduces usable disk space to 40kB.