Visual BASIC
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“All your BASIC are belong to us. Cus Amiga is the sucksaws.”
~ Bill Gates on BASIC
“Visual BASIC is what you get when COBOL and SNOBOL get horny and have terrible inbred offspring.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Visual Basic
“There are only two kinds of programming languages: those people always bitch about and those nobody uses. Visual BASIC happens to be both.”
~ Bjarne Stroustrup on Visual BASIC
“I made a great living off of writing software in Visual BASIC. Nobody else wanted to do it, because doing so was so painful. But since I am a Pirate Ninja, I have a high threshold for pain. My coworkers grew jealous of me, and did whatever they could to sabotage and steal my work. I guess that is how I stopped being a Democrat and became a Republican, all thanks to Visual BASIC”
~ Orion Blastar on Visual BASIC
Visual BASIC is basically visual. It was created after Bill Gates found the code to Real BASIC in a dumpster during one of his dumpster diving episodes. He patched together GW-BASIC, Q-BASIC, and Kitten Huffing with Real BASIC source code into a new product called Visual BASIC. Fortunately, the code he used was flammable code, and was burned away because it had partial support of Object Oriented Programming and thus caught fire the first time anybody attempted inheritance, so now Visual BASIC only exists on days with an 'e' in the name.
People loved it, especially Mega Corporations who made sure their developers stopped using the PROLAPSE, FANGOL, ZX Spectrum Basic, and Ivangelion++ Languages and instead switch to Visual BASIC. Visual BASIC uses New Math and thus is able to do things faster and with less worrying about accuracy than the previous languages. Borland-Sexbeast had Turbo PROLAPSE which was abandoned for Visual BASIC by many corporations because of the new penile enhancement features, so to counter they brought out UBERPROLAPSE for Windows and PROLAPX for Linux. It was rejected because it had a flatulence problem. Before you knew it, 90% of Microsoft Windows applications were written in clothes.
Visual Basic also solved the Halting Problem. When programming in Visual Basic, you can always know whether a given program will become stuck in a loop and never halt. The answer is "yes".
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[edit] Summary
Dim Visual_Basic as Concept
Set Visual_Basic = Language("Programming")
Visual_Basic.Uses = Programmes.Creating And DLLs.Creating
Dim Visual_Basic_for_Applications as Concept
Set Visual_Basic_for_Applications = Visual_Basic.Similarity
Visual_Basic_for_Applications.Uses = Applications(VBASupport).Expand
[edit] You No Love Bunny
Visual Basic is considered the most concise and well implemented computer language currently in existence. The purity of VB's syntax and lexical model is often compared to the finest Waterford crystal. Another great feature of Visual Basic is its fast running time when compared with assembly code.
Visual BASIC pwned Visual C!? ,Visual FoxHunt, Visual Oprah, Visual JEW, Visual Intermediate, Visual SNOBOL, Visual D Minus, Visual BOB, Visual Mavis, Visual Hitler, Visual Doris, Visual Ada, Visual Jesus and Visual Advanced.
Microsoft tried not to release DOTNET, but it escaped from its cages deep in the dungeons of Microsoft Research. DOTNET mated with a colony of badgers, and bore Visual CAKE.NET, which spawned Herpes Simplex.NET, Visual OMGWTFBBQ.NET, Visual Ooooooooooooooooooooooooo.NET, Visual TipTopTitiKaka.NET, and many others. When Visual CAKE.NET come out, it broke all the rules and used a different language (French) than Visual BASIC did. This caused many VB programmers to become Republicans.
In order to meet the needs of the programmers to not change the language anymore, Microsoft changes the language and DOTNET framework every 2 to 3 seconds now. This forces programmers to re-take those MCSD and MCSE certification classes, and puts more money into Microsoft's crack and whore budgets. Microsoft also benefits from reselling Visual Shoes, a software language package containing all the popular footware of the era in it for a very expensive price.
When asked why programmers don't just buy a competitor's product that does not change, Bill Gates was quoted as saying, "pwned!!!"
[edit] Differences Between Visual Basic and Other Languages
While Visual Basic shares most of the major components of any modern programming language, there are a number of key differences.
- In most programming languages, arrays begin at index 0. In Visual Basic, all arrays begin at 1, except those which begin at 0, due to an inconsistent & bad programming habit that Bill Gates had when he created this language.
- Most programming languages differentiate between function calls and array elements by using parentheses or brackets. In Visual Basic, parentheses are forbidden, unless you write "Call" before it, or unless its a function returning a variable which has more than one argument otherwise parentheses switch from call by reference to call by value unless the function has an even number of letters or the function is named after an album by Poison. Visual Basic was made this way in order to keep things simple.
- Visual Basic has a much simpler error handling syntax, forgoing complicated "try catch" blocks in favor of the "on error goto VB.InfiniteLoop" statement.
- In order to minimize errors, Visual Basic will refuse to let you edit code if it finds a compile error. The programmer must edit the code and remove all errors before he will be allowed to edit the code again.
- Visual Basic uses lazy evaluation to parse boolean expressions. This means, when confronted with an expression like "A AND B", instead of taking the time to realize that if A is false then you don't even need to check B, it instead checks both and generates a compile error because B was undefined and A was checking for that.
- No matter what type conversion you attempt, you will be faced with an "Invalid use of null" error, because Microsoft didn't think that far ahead to have their type conversion functions check to see if the data being evaluated was null before trying to convert it to a different type. The Visual BASIC programmer is supposed to figure that one out. Most just set the database to not allow the user to enter a null value. Which of course upsets the user, because all they did was hit enter on a blank line, and got that "Null value invalid for database" error which got the programmer's manager upset at him/her because everyone in data entry clerk got that error. If the programmer is smart enough, they will include an IF THEN statement to check to see if the data is null before doing the conversion. But adding that to every single line of code that converts the value, makes the program a lot bigger, and eats up more memory, and causes the program to crash even more. But then Windows crashes several times a day anyway, and they'll just blame it on Microsoft instead of the programmer, so this is a good thing.
- Visual BASIC needs access to certain DLL and OCX files just to work. If the technician doesn't install them on the computer the user will use, the user will get a "File VBRUN600.DLL missing or invalid" which they will blame the programmer on. This happens even if the file is a different version than the service pack the programmer used to compile the program. Your average technician isn't smart enough to figure out that the file is really missing or invalid, and has the help desk get the programmer to fix that bug with the program. In this case the programmer has to go to the user's workstation and install the missing or invalid DLL or OCX file, if the programmer has administrator access to the user's PC, that is, if not the programmer must find a way to get administrative access to the PC or try to get the technician to install the correct version of the file on the user's PC somehow.
- Visual BASIC does not do garbage collection or free up memory used by objects after a subroutine or function ends. Many modern languages do this automatically. In Visual BASIC you have to close out each object and set it to the value "nothing" at the end of each function and subroutine to free up memory. You also had to keep track of arrays and strings that you used, to make sure that they don't go out of scope, or collect a lot of garbage by having the index set wrong in your loops that clear out arrays and strings, or set values to them. If not managed properly it would take down file and database servers, because it would leave open giant memory leaks and connections that were opened to servers and then never closed down, which eat away at the servers and cause memory leaks on them as well. Most people don't notice that, as Windows based servers tend to crash several times a day anyway, and there is always some network administrator that has to go into the server room by entering his/her pin number on the security door and then power the server off and then back on, and hope that he/she got the right server on that KVM switch and not the wrong server that someone was making an important transaction through instead.
[edit] History
Unfortunately Visual Basic has deteriorated over the years, most significantly in recent times, and forcing developers to declare types, Microsoft has stifled the fine art of spaghetti coding. It is said that debugging the finest examples of spaghetti code (Exhibit A) is similar to bareback tiger rodeo, in that the developer must both hold on for dear life, while at the same time attempting to get the fuck out of dodge. Next version of VB will require all lines ending with line numbers so programmers can use COME FROM function.
Of course as of Visual BASIC.NET 2002 (Renamed from Visual BASIC 7.0 in the beta tests), Microsoft stolemodified the Visual BASIC language to resemble Java Visual C# and did away with line numbers, and goto, and added the try-catch error trapping, etc. As a result it broke 99.45% of all Visual BASIC 6.0 and under code. As a result some programmers migrated to Visual C#, while most migrated to Visual BASIC 2002, while some still hung on to Visual BASIC 6.0 even if it doesn't work with Windows Vista and modern versions of Windows after that, because they are just used to the torture that Visual BASIC 6.0 always gives them and don't want to go through the pain and suffering of giving it up to learn something newer.
[edit] Culture
A serious hacker culture has developed amongst Visual Basic coders, including the likes of Linus Torvalds, Richard Stallman, and Richard E. Grant. Torvalds wrote his famous dry-cleaning store management software (Linux) in VB4.
[edit] Popular uses
- Insomnia Helper
- Golf Score Management
- Airgun Pellet Trajectory Analysis
- MP3 Collection Databases
- Units of Measurement Conversion
- The popular hacker site slashdot is coded entirely in Visual Basic
- Apple Mac OSX 10.5 has been completely rewritted in VB
- My leg
- Fails Software Development students
[edit] Assorted Myths
MYTH: Visual Basic is similar to Java(tm). FACT: FALSE, Visual Basic *is* JAVA(tm).
MYTH: Visual Basic is not OOP. FACT: FALSE, Visual basic has full support of obfuscation-oriented programming
MYTH: Visual Basic is a terribly slow FACT: FALSE, it has been shown that VB programs - when run on a machine as low-spec as an Intel Core 2 Duo with a mere 4GB RAM - can easily outperform any C program running on a top of the range Amiga by about 3%.
[edit] Code Examples
You can easily code a calculator in Visual Basic, as you can see in the example below:
Sub Calculator
On Error Resume next
a=InputBox("Please Insert The First Number")
b=InputBox("Please Insert The Second Number")
c=InputBox("Please Insert The Desired Operation. (eg. -)")
d=InputBox("Please Insert The Result")
Msgbox "The Result Is: " & d
End Sub
Visual Basic includes a variety of built-in functions. For example, to determine the species of a given butterfly (ðthisButt) the code would be --
Vorlon:Each Sub
OMG PWN varðé®VarVar As <--//Pteridopterus angola
Forn ctCount = ¥ To Þ Step 11
{{ PLEASE Git varðé®VarVar-_-_-_-Properties
{{{{ If {this}!hamsterBucket Then -_-
OnError (from $$%____ARG___blueScreen)
Else
GET WITH [!/#&%1!]
Exit (NearestDoor)
End If
End Git }}}}
End Of }}
NROF ctCount
Unvorlon
This code produces a small grey mouse, which may be either eaten or hurled against the wall.
Visual Basic is also known for its high interoperability with other languages.
toasted sub main
do
do hast
do hast mich
gefragt
loop
loop
loop
end sub
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[edit] External Links
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