Visual Basic for Applications
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As the popularity of Visual Basic skyrocketed in response to Microsoft's clever advertising campaign ("Use VB or by God and the power vested in us by Windows we will grind your face into the dirt") the legendary software giant began contemplating ways to use VB in their myriad other applications.
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[edit] Beta I
The first application to receive the VB engine was Excess for Windows®, Microsoft's flagship data-bloating software. In order to protect the viability of standalone VB, the programmers of VBA disabled the ability to save any code permanently. All programming had to be reentered for each new instance of the application.
Of course this was very popular with the lowly code-monkeys, as it amounted to eternal job security. But a deputation of corporate penny-squeezers paid Bill Gates' mansion a visit and after putting the severed head of a personnel manager in Gates' bed they got their message across.
[edit] Beta II
With the 1998 release of the Microsoft office suite, VBA modules (or ratnests as they came to be called) could be saved along with the program files. Now users of Wurds forr Winddowczs® could program subroutines to turn their text either blue or magenta at will. A more useful code innovation allowed Excess® users to "impactify" their databases using code -- the file was first saved to an "impacted" file, the original file was erased, and in the final step the impacted file was corrupted and lost.
Such programming benefitted many companies, resulting in the murder of 2135 programmers by their supervisors in 1999, and the suicide of 140 IT department managers.
Many dollars, yen, deutschmarks, pounds, and cowrie shells were saved thereby.
However, Microsoft cagily excluded key components of Visual Basic from VBA. This ensured that the full-package Visual Basic (now called Visual Basic Deity Edition for Gods and Goddesses®™©) would remain marketable.
Specifically, VBA routines could not be compiled to *.exe programs, could not call dll files, could not cast integer variables to double, could parse strings from the left but not the right, disallowed the variant data type unless it referred to a llama, forced all arrays to contain only Chinese characters, and allowed error-catching only in the case where no errors were generated.
Furthermore, if a programmer attempted to use recursive subroutines his CRT would explode with such force the flying glass would strip the skin and flesh from his face, and the flyback transformer would be driven right through his skull and into the cubicle wall behind him.
[edit] VBA, Millennium Addition®©ÅÞ
The 2000 release of VBA included further programming innovations, building in the backdoor access and other security flaws already available in Microsoft Intarweb Explorer™, as well as those in Microsoft Look Out!Ú © (the email and schedule management software famed for automatically launching destructive programs with the cheery message "You've got worms!").
A large library of "objects" was included with the Excess® and Axel© programs. These pre-configured code objects included --
- date and time functions in Urdu
- llama-parsing routines
- the novel War and Peace by Tolstoy
- pickled boiled eggs with garlic
- arithmetic functions, except those involving math
- the band Backstreet Girlie-Boys
- a text editor limited to files of 64 bytes or less
- the ghost of Alan Turing, wrapped in chains of coldest steel
However, most programmers found it easier to write their own code for common tasks instead of sorting thought Microsoft's vast and jumbled library of arcane code objects.
[edit] The Future of VBA
Now that Microsoft has concentrated its world-beating powers on VB.net, ASP.net, Net.net, and TENnis.net it is possible that VBA will join QBasic on the back shelf of Microsoft products. Certainly we can count on MS to do everything possible to make all existing code incompatible with its new offerings.
Reprogramming is not just a way of life, it is the very air we choke on.
