Waffle

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You may be looking for John Kerry and not even know it!

“Mine smells like waffles”

~ Boy in toilet on Waffles and his tiny wing wong

“PANCAKES!!!”

~ Crash Bandicoot on Waffles

“Guess who made waffles”

~ Gir on Waffles

“HURAY FOR WAFFLES”

~ Belgians on Waffles

“waaaaaaaaaaaafffffffffffffflezezez”

~ DJ Nutsack on waffelz

“They got peanuts and soap in 'em!”

~ Gir on Waffles

“One of my not-so-popular puzzles”

~ Prof. Rubik on waffles

“Mmmm ... waffles”

~ Homer Simpson on waffles

“All I have in this world are waffles and my word and I don't break 'em for no one. You understand?”

~ Tony Montana on waffles

“I never eat...voffles”

~ Count Chocula on waffles

“In Soviet Russia, voffles eat YOU!!”

~ Soviet Russia on Count Chocula

“Wafles are just like pancakes except they are shaped differently.”

~ Captain Obvious on waffles

Invented by a group of scientists (one of them was Johnny Waffle) working for the Belgium secret police in 1897, the waffle was designed to serve as an alternative to the pancake, an old standard in European and American breakfast cuisine. Unfortunately most Belgians can't seem to get over their invention, so lets make it clear: Belgium, thanks for the waffles, now fuck off.

1 Distinguishing Features of the Waffle
2 Great Waffles in History
3 Wafflepot
4 Down sides
5 Origin of the Waffle
6 The Waffle-Pancake War
7 See Also
8 Waffle Media

[edit] Distinguishing Features of the Waffle

Unlike its cousin the pancake (or griddle cake and flapjack) the waffle is engraved with an intricate pattern of tiny square cups, so as to hold syrup with maximum efficiency, or to hold ice cubes with a lesser efficiency. In order to attain this grid-like texture, a waffle must be baked in a special double-surfaced pan called a waffle iron. Interestingly, in its original Belgian, the contraption's name literally means "the pancake pain device." Waffles are naturally better than pancakes and flapjacks in every way. Those caught enjoying pancakes or flapjacks should be put to death ASAP, especially if they are named nora. This statement has started the Pancake-Waffle war as of now.

Waffles can be shaped into a variety of useful items such as cones, bowls, and industrial shelving.

Waffles are considerably sweeter than pancakes, and require a greater beverage-to-breakfast ratio, with a Milk Necessity Index of 1.02; for comparison, the MNI of scrambled eggs is only 0.56 whereas the MNI of Oreo cookies is 93.87.

Underwater Waffles are a rare and majestic species.

The Wafflepancake is a close relative of the Roflpancake

Waffles are the preferred food of the Ninja, who absolutely hate the Pirates and Pancakes

-- Contradicting testimony from the mouth of a very put out Ninja - "Hey! Piratess like waffles too! You hurt my feelings!" Said ninja afterwards sulked off in a huff to eat some pancakes.

It is a well-known conspiracy that Pirates actually like waffles. This conspiracy vanished after the creator had 2040 pancakes shoved down his throat and other bodily holes. Proving that waffles are only for Ninja.

Waffles can also be used as a high explosive grenade when combined with the proper amount of butter and sugar. Using a waffles as a HE Grenade is not for the weak and can cause most peoples heads to explode in a river of molten syrup. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Waffles (and their closely-resembling brother, the pancake) are adored by the videogame hero Crash Bandicoot, especially with a cherry topping. Yahoo!

[edit] Great Waffles in History

Adam Ellis is a big waffle, so there

In 1135 a small shop in St. Paul, MN was the first to serve meat in a waffle cone. The treat was an instant success, we've had to pay an extra quarter for it ever since.

the end of WWII was brought about by a combination of waffles, helium, sulfuric acid and angry kittens.

The largest waffle ever made, called "The Waffle of Infinite Wisdom" ("Das Uberwaffle" in German), was showcased in Brussels in May of 1978. It was estimated that the giant creation was over 30 feet in diameter and consisted of more than a half-ton of light, buttery batter. Advertised as "the waffle to shame all waffles," five men on two cherry-pickers were required to coat it with powdered sugar. In order to cook the gigantic waffle, flamethrowers were carefully utilized. Six children died in the incident, four from the flamethrowers and two as sacrifice to appease the mighty waffle.

It has been said on many occasions that the first prototype waffle (or 'Wafflums', as she was known), was the most loyal of all waffles, but in time she too sank into obscurity.

Hitlers penis was actually a waffle. A very snall waffle.

The guitar used by the guy who always wore flannel in the Paxil Clowns was built from waffles

Zee's waffle obsession is only matched by his love of porn

Bill Clinton, a great magician by the name of Garry Trudeau turned Clinton into a waffle in 1994. In 2007, Garry turned Clinton's wife into a bottle of syrup. He was hungry.

Thaddeus T. Wafflebottom, was a mad scientist who created the Electric Boogaloo. He killed himself when no one cared about him.

The Great Fur War's waffles?

DJ Nutsack recorded Waffelz in the year 2000. It was released onto TraxInSpace.com and became one of the most popular unsigned pieces of music in history!.

Psychoanalytic historians claim that Napolean's lust for power and world domination was really the result of his long repressed love of waffles, which his mother forbid him from eating. Nevertheless, Napolean loved to eat waffles even when having his portrait taken. Here Napolean reaches for his flask of syrup for his victory waffles.

[edit] Wafflepot

An affectionate yet insulting term used in reference to one who is behaving in a ridiculous, frivolous or irregular manner. Derived from the thick, viscous waffle batter representative of the viscosity of the subject's brain matter.

eg. If someone was to 'accidentally' burn her chin on the grill while making toast, her friends would refer to her as a "wafflepot"

One can also be referred to as a waffle pot if one talks about a singular, mostly trivial subject for more than the needed time, which is generally not very long. For example, if person X were to hold a discussion group on the making of minestrone soup, from a can, on the hob, when really all that was needed was a simple sentence, such as - "I made soup."

One other use of the term "Wafflepot" is the cleverly named invention of Chris Polten (Well known for his achievements as a college dropout that lived ((and still does)) in his mothers basement). "Wafflepot" is the result of rolling up a soft buttered waffle and filling the food item with copious amounts of syrup and hemp.

[edit] Down sides

As with all delicious snacks, the waffle has many hidden depths, mosty of which are kept secret in the moon base of the JLA, or according to some people, by 'Him'. When the first waffle was completed ('Wafflums', see above), the Pandoras box was opened, and the few who were present got a taste of what is now known as time compression, and became legend in their own right, forever monumented in the stars.

Another down side to the waffles is that all the fucking butter gets stuck in the holes. But butter isn't good on waffles anyway, so they're still awesome.

Also, when eaten, there is a 40% chance that the Waffle Module will take control of the human brain with the same effects as crack. But George W. Bush has eaten waffles with no shown changes so it doesn't matter.

[edit] Origin of the Waffle

Unknown to most of the world, waffles come from a meteorite which streaks across the sky every time the moon and some guy's left knunkle align (aslong as he has a papercut on his scrotum), causing the tides to screw up and pets to vomit in terror. This phenomena is known as the Phukleter Equinox, named after the man who discovered it, Professor Uvan J. Phukleter. How it does such a feat baffles the scientific world, and especially men named James and John, and remains a mystery to this day. The meteors created by this strange occurrence are made completely out of waffle and tend to land in the Mountains of Mordor, therefore they must be recovered by a team of transdimensional wizards who cross the boundaries of space and time to give us this delicious food.

Waffles are said to be one of the most dangerous foods to cook. You can cook it with buttermilk (A.K.A contaminated with poke-mans)Or the right way. If you decide to do it the right way your waffle will taste like crap. This started a war in the 1800's. Why would the right way to cook a waffle taste like crap? It raged on for 30 years straight....Until the pancake cookers marched in, and took control of the waffle universe. Some thought it was the end for waffles...but it was not.

Waffles came to power in a mutiny among breakfast foods which caused waffles to replace pancakes as the Supreme Ruler and Overlord of All That Is Breakfast Related. But the waffle did not stop there. With every bite of waffle across the world, the waffle is slowly poisoning the minds of our nations, because of a certain ingredient called 'Plutonium' or something, which eventually will cause a new generation of supermutants, and as a result, Smallville will go on for another ten seasons... OMFG NO. =0

The promises made by the waffle party have yet to be fulfilled and rumors circulate that the French toast party is trying to have a comeback, but such talk is only a rumor and nothing more. Recently there has been a dispute over the syrup imported from Syraq (land of all that is syrupy and good), and the waffle party is attempting to stop all use of foreign syrup, yet others wish to go to war over this sticky, syrupy dispute.