Wagga Wagga
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Wagga Wagga (Aboriginal term for 'Italian Italian' and that is fact and when I say fact I mean bullshit and when I say bullshit I mean Nicola Roxon's hideous hair. I'm Kim Watkins thanks for listening) is the home of the Wagga Waggians. Among them are many terrorists such as Osama Bin Laden, the Ghost of the English Language, Satan, Lucifer and George W. Bush, who all live out the back of No. 94 Sunshine Ave. They spend their time in a plunge pool having tea parties, playing with dolls and planning large-scale terrorist attacks.
[edit] Town Heroes
boop boop boop. Wagga Wagga's town heroes consist of a goat, piles of rotting garbage, a barber shop quartet, Chuck Norris, Adam purcell who brushes his two front teeth, the Ghost of the English Language, the Ghost of Christmas Past, communists (who were later eaten alive by lions), lions,the CWA Teapot and everyone that lives in Donnelly Avenue in the town itself and also Hairy Hannon who's dad was believed to be a neanderthol (learn how to spell idoits....you can tell they're from Wagga!), he has to shave every day and still growss an unbelievable amount of hair however he set a deal with the local wigmaker to supply him with hair. joel mannion the little bloke who thinks he can mountain bike ride. lachy davis is pretty cool (MY BALLS) gets a lot of crap from living in mangoplah as well a walking around school with his mouth open and his tie hanging out of his pocket pretending he is hardcore and trying to hit on the ugly girls,Emily Tipping, but always failing misserably and adam purcell is the bloke who has the best face and personality for radio.
[edit] The Wagga Wagga Tip
The Wagga Wagga tip is where the mayor lives with his office and his secretary who is a squirrel named Cecil. The Lord Mayor's name is Bill Clinton. He may act, sound, look, smell and taste like Ex-President Bill Clinton of the United States of America but he is definitely not. Clinton has been known to go around eating helpless animals and small children but this was in fact at the time of a great crisis for all the Wagga Waggians. i It was 1842 and the pesky Mormans had begun to invade. Knocking on every door, handing out a pamphlet to everyone in sight. Yes, this was the darkest age in the history of Wagga Wagga. By 1845, half of Wagga Wagga had succumbed to the Mormans. Luckily at this moment, Chuck Norris came flying into the scene. He warned everyone into their houses. he then joined forces with the Ranbuild Guy to kick their asses.
[edit] History
The town was created by Jamie Oliver and his drug addicted friends in 1639, when many of his ingredients came to life for total destruction. This day is celebrated each year with the "Night Of The Living Vegetables!!" festival. This festival is one of Wagga Wagga's most popular tourist attractions in which the youngest child in each family is left out to be ravaged by massive potatoes, giant brussel sprouts, huge turnips and other large living vegetables. This is one reason why family sizes in Wagga Wagga are steadily decreasing. The only exception to this is the Irish Catholics who live in North Wagga, which is a floodzone. Chuck Norris, while walking around Wagga Wagga, noticed that that the North Waggians where trying to build an elevator to heaven. He then said " So, you want to get to heaven, eh?" and immediately round house kicked them, killing them instantly. Many Wagga Waggians watched in horror, then realised that they were actually very happy, and from then on that day is celebrated as "National Chuck Day". Today druggies still cover the streets and the only way to survive is to worship Satan who lives at 10 Sunshine Ave.
[edit] The 5 o'clock Wave
The 5 o'clock Wave is said to be a tidal wave that rushes down the Wagga Wagga beach/river/stream every night at 5 o'clock, when they let the dams out. This is true but it is a little known fact that at 5.01, the 5 o'clock wave turns into a swarm of crows that will supply the town with food for the next day. Wagga Wagga's supermarkets, Crowles, are run by crows with names like "crawk", "squawk" and "crawksquark." It is said that the same crow will never run the shop twice. The reason for such an odd and crowy name for a supermarket is that the crows pecked away Coles and Woolworths, and thus created Crowles: a crow filled, crow run, crow fed store. There are 3 Crowles in Wagga Wagga.
[edit] Axel Norris
Born high in the mountains of Tumbarumba, Axel has spent a life in solitude. It is said he is the last surviving relation to both Chuck Norris and Mr T. After he was immaculately conceived (the first person since the messiah Jesus Christ to be conceived this way) by a sherpa woman named One Tooth Norris, he was transported immediately to Nepal where he slapped the Dalai Lama on the left cheek due to claims that the Dalai had stolen his chickens. Axel Norris and Matthew Lum (Arch-nemesis of Axel Norris Ph.D.)are often seen having battles of epic proportions every weekend. The radiation emitted during their bouts has been cited as the reason for the considerable number of intoxicated males trying to replicates Lum's Mountain Goat fighting technique on both Friday and Saturday nights.
[edit] Copyright Infringements
In the history of wagga wagga there have been many copyrights made such as:
- Band Reds stealing of Kernals Original song which one day could have been a number one hit
- Wagga was actually called Russia and housed the soviet union from 1794 to 1795 then russia had to be invented and steal our idea of communism so the soviet union left that is why any Russian who comes near wagga always gets there vodka confiscated then kicked in the ass. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
- wagga wagga invented the tsunami
- we also invented the commies mirror ball which was red and always projected hammer and sickle signs (this wasn't a big one any where esle).
[edit] Common Street Signs
Unlike other cities Wagga Wagga has different street signs for example instead of Loading Zone , Wagga has Pimp Zone. What baffles people the most is how they got there. Some say it was Jamie Olivers drug addict friends, some say they came from the 5 o'clock Wave and some say the council workers were drunk. But in the end all you need to know is not to walk in the alleyway after dark because local gangs are armed with crowbars and ask "What did you say about me?" and then beat up Rogan for his emo tears.
- Pimp Zone, the pimp zone is a popular place in wagga wagga for pimps, prostitutes, crack dealers and our mayor but pretty much hated by everyone else especially his squirrell
- The go and stop signs are often confused with each other but it is commonly known that green means stop and red means go unlike the stupid North American counterparts god their just stupid
[edit] Anti Jamie Oliver campaign
An anti-Jamie Oliver campaign was held in 1734 to elect a new ruler. By 1736 a new ruler had been elected: Mr. Commie, (right) 2nd Supreme Overlord of Wagga Wagga. in 1737 riots began against this evil Twinkie monster, ending Mr. Commie's reign of terror. Next it was Ex-President Bill Clinton's turn. He has been the best ruler in Wagga Wagga ever, and is still serving as Wagga Wagga's Supreme Overlord.
[edit] Mysteries
There are many mysteries in Wagga Wagga. Some of these are:
- "Why does the very little rain that we get always burn through the school's roof?"
- "Why do we all live in houses, while The Honourable Bill Clinton lives at the tip?"
- "How did Jamie Oliver and his drug addicted friends create Wagga Wagga in 1639 when Australia was only settled in by "white men" in 1788" etc.
[edit] Crime and Punishment
In Wagga Wagga it is illegal to be Christian. If you are seen showing any signs of Christianity whatsoever you will be punished severely by one of these 2 penalties;
1) You will be placed in the stocks and become open for public food throwing/humiliation until all the Christianity wears off you and onto the dead tomatoes. (left)
2) You will be fed to midgets who haven't eaten since the last offender of this policy was fed to them. (right)
[edit] Political Affiliations
Many of Wagga Wagga's residents are communists. In fact, their belief in this form of government is so strong, they painted the entire town red, and placed the yellow hammer and sickle on all their belongings.
[edit] Paranormal Activities
In Wagga Wagga, many paranormal activities occur. Some examples of these are fairies, pixies, screaming houses, drunk people, Mount Austiners, yellow submarines, goths/emos, evil council workers who claim to fix the road but intently destroy it right in front of your eyes and Ringo Star .
[edit] Trivia
- "The name Wagga Wagga is Aboriginal for "place of many crows". Many visitors to the city are surprised when their relatives/friends are horribly mutilated by hordes of vicious crows.Citizens are often seen running naked in the streets at full moon. It is believed that this is not due to the large amounts of hallucogenic drugs inserted into Wagga Wagga's water supply by the City Council because the 5 o'clock wave consumes the drugs and thus creates the force that is the 5 o'clock wave.
There is a baffling character, Fabs. Pulling a "fabs", so to speak is to wave your hands about in a "Laurel and Hardy" fashon, showing that you "don't know" when you really "do know". Many monkey gestures are used.
[edit] == Places Of Interest No Longer in Wagga Wagga ==
1. The Bootleg Wine Bar The Bootleg was located at the back of one of Wagga's least known arcades on Fitzmaurice Street. Best known for live "Music", the Bootleg became an important nightlife destination for hedonistic pleasure seekers. It was a small space, and with 99 light bulbs glaring above. The brilliant ambiance was only matched with cocktails of psychotropics. If you never went, you'll never know. It is unclear why the establishment closed.
2. Mulga Bills Ice-creamery A classy family eating establishment, most famous for deep fried chicken & ice cream (not together). The `Big Kosciuszko' was a much loved ice cream presentation, eaten from a grande Margherita glass. In pale blue surrounds, one could revisit Banjo Pattersons verse. Also much loved were Mulga Bills arcade game tables (Frogger, Pac Man & Space Invaders). It is unclear why the establishment closed.
3 The Arm Chair Cafe
The only place in town where a cup of coffee could give you fleas. Viva la student entrepreneurs.
It is unclear why the establishment closed.
4. Pasta Pasta Wagga Wagga Oh the marketing genius. Perhaps it could only have been improved by the addition of "Fasta Fasta". It is unclear why the establishment closed.
5. The Drive In at Gumly Gumly Who hasn't been smuggled into the drive in the boot of a Holden.....really? But making the Drive in at Gumly Gumly even more special were the sheep that used to graze between car spaces. In spring, lambs would bleat loudly while Amity Beach life guards sounded the warning bells.....Shark...SHARK Bah, BAH.......ah yes, those were the days when the sheep knew Jaws was close by.
6.Beaurepaires Disco Best kept secret in town, and when the pubs and night clubs had closed, we all had Beaurepaires Disco on Trail Street. I think Beaurepaires is still there, but where are the lights? Where is the music? Alas, they are no more.
7. The Gumi Festival Celebrating all things rubber in a once a year spectacular. Gumis were comprised of rubber tyre tubes and anything else they could find. Weeks and weeks of preparation went into designing and rigging gumi rafts, and then the moment arrived when a thousand rafts were launched simultaneously into the Murrumbidgee River at Eunony Bridge. What ensued was the worlds biggest flour bomb/tomotoe fight over a marathon 24km river run. Children were battered (hey - they were fair game), and husbands lost to the river in an ecologically devastating extravaganza. The last Gumi Race occurred in 1995.....and the city hasn't been the same ever since.
8. 2WG Before Ipods, there was 2WG. Established in the 1930's 2WG was the farm boys only source of kontemporary kulcha. The iconic 2WG neon light remains on the Fitzmaurice Street Building facade.
