Wal★Mart

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Thi$ arti¢£€ wa$ writt€n b¥ a ¢apita£i$t.

You may read it for free during a 2 hour trial period.
Afterwards, it will crash unless you give us your credit card number.
Save money! Sign up now for only $49.99!!!
(first three months)

“In the Free World, I own the template!!”

The Walmart in Yakima, Washington after implementing their "green" policies. This is what is happening to the world. It's all Walmart's fault.

“Im doing a signing there next week!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Wall Mart

“Helen Waite is our credit manager. If you need credit, go to Helen Waite”

~ Sam Walton on capitalism

“One of my favorite places to shop.”

~ Bert on Wall Mart

“Oh yeah, I know that place, I bought a wall there last month...”

~ George Bush on Wall Mart

"It is a place to buy walls (and wall stuff) at very low prices!" (Construction teacher)

Wal★Mart was the fifth of the Seven Plagues of Egypt. It began in 1312 BC when Moses said to Pharaoh, "Let my People Shop," and Pharaoh said "No," so God created a plague Wal-Marts in five and a half days as a curse to punish the ancient Egyptians for their great wickedness.

Unfortunately, in modern times, the curse, after laying dormant for many centuries, has been re-awakened in the United States by the first Antichrist of Arkansas, Sam Walton. ^[1] Responses from God have not been forthcoming, since he has been on an intergalactic cruise since the afternoon of the sixth day and cannot be reached for comment. Wal-Mart has continued to spread its contagion well into present times where its kudzu-like habits have been known to smother entire voting districts.

The world population will be doomed to slavery as long as irresistible $5 DVDs are sold at Wal-Mart.

Recently Wal-Mart has become venereal in the form of Wal-Mart Monster. Be careful! He takes what he wants and sells it for less!

Wal-Mart was soled over to Viacom and Heavy Metal Music, and it stays that way!

[edit] Mission statement

Always busting unions. Always.

To capture the pathos & quiet desperation that is Wal-mart shopping, and also to conquer the entire free world and force them to live out their short and useless lives building and/or working, shopping, and living in a Wal-Mart Superstore. We will achieve this with simplistic design, invasive surveillance of shoppers and employees, & exploitation of traditional corporatocracy tactics involving strategic placement of cardboard shelving units containing items of interest to no one, therefore directing the consumers eye to the expensive alternatives on the real shelves.

We will follow these proven shopper provoking procedures and the ensuing traffic jams until everyone has been forced to buy the vacuum sealed albacore tuna packets if they want to get out of aisle eleven or out of the store alive.

We will passionately maintain a zoo like and olfactorily offensive atmosphere through a relaxed, cavalier, inhospitable approach to service while executing ruthless expertise in a choreographed manner that appears effortless. Every guest shall leave their visit having had an extraordinarily grueling, impersonal, and filth filled experience with the intention of returning grudgingly.

We pride ourselves in paying employees less so you can save more.

In accordance with the Mission Statement, Walmarty successfully eliminated all small business competition in Rockport, Texas. Wal-mart is overflowing with the fat people on the weekends. What will happen when it closes... Look Out K-Mart! Fats are on the way! Grab the guns from the back and fire on my mark...

[edit] Wal-Mart's Favorite Slogans

* 1. Wal-Mart, Always Nut Busting And Mind Controlling, ALWAYS
* 2. Kmart Can Kiss My Ass! So Can Target, And Others!
* 3. Blow Your Money Here At Wal-mart
* 4. Wal-Mart, The Kick In The Ass
* 5. Mcdonalds In Wal-Mart? Holy Shit!
* 6. Oh, Great! Now Kids Are Blowing Thier Money Away
* 7. People Complain About Not Having Money, Because Of Wal-Mart
* 8. Go F*ck Yourselves At Wal-Mart
* 9. There's No Saving Money And Living Better Here, Buddy!
*10. Always Lead based Chinese Toys, Always!
*11. In capitalist America, Wal-Mart outsources you! (Parody of the Russian Reversal)

[edit] 105 Things to do at Wal-Mart

Watch out for the pornstars; we forgot to say.

1. Count how many abnormalities each door greeter has and calculate the average for that store. Compare and average the cumulative totals for the nation.
2. Repeatedly enter and leave the store and count how many "visits" it takes to make the greeter stop greeting you.
3. Walk up to an associate and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code Blue in house wares," and see what happens.
4. Go through checkout with a bag of goldfish, tartar sauce, and a deep fryer.
5. Put M&M's, frozen food, gum, a live lobster or lettuce on layaway.
6. Go to an unused register, and press #96(Or whatever the intercom button is) and leave the phone just sitting there. That way, no one in store will be able to use the store intercom until they find the phone and hang it up.
7. Set up a tent in the Camping department; build a camp-fire using Lincoln Logs from the toy department.
8. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms after you see a woman or two walking into the women's restroom and see if any men will walk in on them.
9. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
10. In the Sporting Goods section, look for someone looking at golf stuff, go to the end of the aisle, throw a golf ball near the person, yell "fore" and finally, the last and most important step, run!
11. Get a small firecracker and go to the hunting section when there are a large amount of people. Suddenly scream, set off the firecracker, and drop to the floor. See how long it takes for the other customers to get out from under the table.
12. Keep asking the employees, 'Can you tell me what aisle the 'walls' are on? This is Wall Mart, correct?'
13. Take a cabbage patch doll through self checkout and ring it up under the produce code for cabbage.
14. Replace products in the frozen foods section with fish bait from the sporting department. Hell, give out some samples and see what happens.
15. See how many people you can fit into a cart.
16. Go to the Toy Department and take up an entire aisle with a full scale battle of G.I. Joe vs. The X-Men.
17. Get all your friends, find as many unused checkouts a acailiable, pick up a phone and press pound ( # ) 96 to activate the intercom system, and yell out "PENIS" one at a time over the store's loudspeaker system as loud as you can to try and scare other customers. When the employees come to take you away, yell a code word to signal when to get the next guy to start.
18. Buy a bag of skittles and then start throwing them at people screaming "Taste the Freaking Rainbow!"
19. Start following people asking "are you my mother?"
20. Stand by the front door lightly bobbing your head and when children or old people walk through sing the most vulgar song you know at the top of your lungs.
21. Dress a stuffed animal up in clothing, and then put it in a baby cart. Take it to the food section and have a deep tearful conversation with it, ending with placing it with the lettuce.
22. Challenge other customers to lightsaber duels or swordfights with rolls of wrapping paper.
23. Set all of the alarm clocks to go off at the same time during the day.
24. Tell the cashier you are from Immigration Services.
25. Get a bunch of friends and have a race with Shopping carts. If possible, attatch motors to them, and/or decorate with vulgar materials.
26. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
27. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
28. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
29. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
30. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
31. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. (This is also popular at Target).
32. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. Touch them as much as possible. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
33. Yell random names to see if anyone will answer.
34. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
35. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
36. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
37. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
38. Look at the sign on the front of the store and imagine rotating the star 36 degrees, then fall to your knees in worship.
39. Walk around with at least 2 of your buddies and stalk 15 year old girls to get their numbers. Trust me this works. Count how many other pedophiles are doing the same thing and keep score. At the end of the day see who wins. Current high score recorded at 10 in one hour.
40. Take your wife and some lube into the changing rooms with you and start yelling at the top of your voice, "Oh", "Yeah that's the stuff" and "Harder Harder", afterwards come out with an empty packet of lube and ask an employee where the abortion tablets are.
41. Ring the Bell at the Fabrics Section repeatedly to piss off all near by employees and see how long it takes for her (what man would work in the Fabrics section) to kill you.
42. Buy a 12 pack of toilet paper, leave the store and rub mud on every roll. Then return to the store the following day with a trash bag of the browned rolls to customer service with a reciept. Tell the clerk there that you weren't satisfied with the results and that you want your money back, argue your point long enough and you will get a refund, trust me...
43. Follow someone into the bathroom without them noticing, walk into a stall and yell out "WHAT A BIG SHIT!", and proceed to piss in that toilet.
44. Go to the aisle with the shavers. Ask an employee that walks by you if they have any shavers that work best on pubic hair.
45. Walk into the store and hop in a senior cart. Drive the cart into the store and follow people through the entire store beeping the horn the whole time. If anyone asks you what you need that cart for tell them you are diabetic.
46. Go to the Toy Aisle and take your pants off and Scream "Come hither young kids, New Toy." The 'penis in a box' trick works well.
47. If you ever see a guy with his pants off in the toy aisle, tell Wal-Mart security "He's trying to steal two bouncy balls and a Nerf dart."
48. Follow any couple you see holding each others hand, when they are about to kiss, Yell "We got a Code RED!" If you get bored, try to position yourseelf between them.
49. Take some toilet paper from the shelves and bring them to the hunting aisle, build a fort with them, grab a gun and Start telling the employees that the Zombies are coming.
50. Collect 5 animals (as exotic as pssible), some C4, a poatatoe gun, and use your imgination.
51. Try to have an argument on the intercom with a tickle me elmo.
52. Grab some carts and go to random parts of the store and put things into it (a lot of small items and a tv to be funnier) until its overflowing and take it to the front and leave it. Tell the nearest employee that you remembered you saw a better deal at K-Mart.
53. During Christmas season, ask a random employee which one of the overweight men(they may say they are women, but who are they kidding) sitting in front of the dressing rooms is Santa.
54. Target(as in target target, not the department store that isn't Wal-Mart) one individual and make eye contact with them so that they notice you. Follow them around staring at them the whole time until they make eye contact again, yell at them "JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" as loud as possible and storm away.
55. Hide in the clothing racks until someone walks by, jump out screaming "ALLAAHH!" at the top of your lungs to scare the shit out of them. Run away to a different clothing department and repeat process.
56. Go to the hunting department and ask the clerk what the best gun would be to kill your wife.
57. Go to the aisle where the air fresheners are located, peel off a few scratch 'n' sniff stickers and go to the women's department and adhere the stickers to some panties.(Optional: Wait around casually to see if anyone does sniff them)
58. Go through the checkout with a gun, a book entitled "How to Manage your Anger Problem", and liquid that removes blood stains.
59. Take a slingshot, a bag of pebbles and a ladder into the store to kill the birds living in the ceiling.
60. Go through checkout with a toilet seat, two plungers, pepto bismol, four cans of Oust, a 12-pack of toilet paper, and a box of laxatives.
61. Dress up in a monster outfit, wait between two cars in the parking lot and jump up and scream at the guy who puts fliers on windshields as he walks past.
62. Go to the athletics area, and ride at least 4 different bikes around the store. Upon returning the last bike(I'm sure all of Wal-mart staff is around you by now)ask one of the employees if they finance bikes over $100 and show him/her your proof of insurance.
63. Ask an employee where you can find Gringott's bank in a hushed tone.
64. Park your car in the automotive garage and walk into the store. Buy a few things like you normally would and leave before they call a tow-truck.
65. Place a VIP entrance sign over the shopping cart storage area on the outside of the store.
66. Run to the door greeter and frantically say your kid is trapped in the toy crane machine, when they crawl away for help run out of the store.
67. Ask a employee if the hiring terminal has BitTorrent on it.
68. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
69. jump on someone's back like they are an animal and say "speed up"
70. buy women's underwear and say "uhhh...these are for, ...my ... wife..."
71. have a friend run ahead of you and chase him yelling "HE STOLE MY WALLET!"
72. you and a friend get in a couple senior carts and have your friend chase you while your yelling "You'll never take me alive!"
73. go through checkout with lube cream, kleenex's, and a couple "Sports Illustrated: Swim Suit Edition"
74. Go through the 10 items or less line with 11 items, you badass!
75. Follow young women around the store, when they ask you what your doing say, "How much you charge for good time?"
76. In the hunting section, by the guns, ask an employee where the balaclavas are kept.
77. Trap someone in an aisle (make sure there are at least two of you) and constantly yell scrotum as loud as you can.
78. Hold up a tickle me Elmo and say out loud, "Were going to have FUN tonight...." (Make sure people can hear you when you do this)
79. Attach a price tag to a child and try to buy him at the cash register.
80. Have a three-sided argument with yourself (Preferably on the loudspeaker)
81. The day before Christmas, buy a gun and at the register say loudly to the santa at the donations bucket, "I'm going to get you this time..."
82. You and a few friends have a full scale war in the store. Use wrapping paper as swords, pudding cups as grenades, guns as guns etc.
83. Go to the fish part of the store and say out loud as you point at each fish, "I'm going to eat you, and you, and you..."
84. Put as many guns as you can into a cart and shout, "Victory shall be MINE!!"
85. Come to the store in a spiderman costume and have a re-enactment battle of Spiderman vs. Walmart Security. (Use the web blaster and whatever else you can find.)
86. Ask any WalMart staff member, "Where is the BOMB!? We know you have it!"
87. Go to the building block section of the store and rebuild the Twin Towers (Your the plane)
88. Strap and kinda bomb-looking thing under your shirt and shout out loud, "FOR ALLAH!!!" (you better run after that)
89. Talk VERY loud on your cellphone (This will annoy ANYONE)
90. Make a batch of penis shaped cookies and distribute them among the customers.
91. Bow down in front of someone and say "Forgive me master, for I have failed you" If you are and over achiever, hump thier leg and say Im sorry.
92. Talk to the employees but talk like Chewbacca.
93. Claim to be Zoltan, Leader of the Cosmos and see if people pay tribute to you.
94. Hide in the shadows and trip people as they come by and shout, "I have come for you" in an eerie voice.
95. Put a bunch of stuff into a cart and go through the checkout, when the cashier tells you how much it costs hand her some monopoly money and ask her/him "Will this cover it"
96. Wear nothing but a trench coat and a Bill Clinton mask, walk into the store then pull off the trench coat and run around in the store naked
97. Follow someone into the bathroom and when they go to the urinals to pee begin cheering them on.
98. Go through an aisle, take something off a shelf and put it in the middle of the aisle and walk off
99. Find an old guy, tackle him, beat him ALMOST senseless and scream "This is K-MART!!", folowed by kicking the next persian guy you see.
100. Allocate a group of little people, and attempt to dress them using only paraphenalia labled with the walmart logo. Then, march them in a parade through a walmart, or anty stroe singing the lolypop giuld song, the oompa loompa song, and every other song that is popoularly sung by midgets.
101. One -by one, switch all of the boys cloths on one rack with the cloths on a girls clothing rack. Also, switch all the panties with edibles panties, or Fruit Roll-ups.
102. Have a sexy theme party.
103. Have a sexy boximus prime dress party.
104. Go to the shoe section, and rub dog poo on all the shoes.
105. Attempt to purchase a shopping cart.

[edit] History

Alwaysh low prisheeeesssssss.

The story begins in the bunghole of Chris Finke. Aunt. Jemima and Uncle Fucker (Japanese: ドラえもん) was an android invented by the Japanese to destroy freedom, er, America, er, DA SHIZ! I mean freedom. After the war, he used the magical time-travel machine that Godzilla had neglected to destroy, and went back in time to take over America's colony. Wal-Mart was founded by a three-headed monster and a Supercowboy named John-boy Walton on the windswept steppes of Walton Mountain, VA in 1902. He was the red-headed step-child of the Waltons, the one you never saw because he was locked away in the attic. The love that was shared on that mountain betweenst monster and cowboy is the subject of many a fairy tale.

John Boy was fortunate enough to escape and move to the city to become an employee of K-mart. After he received his first pay check, he realized he would not be able to afford that one-bedroom apartment on the corner of Main and the street with yonder bridge on it.

Wall mart was first used as a haven for prostitutes and drug addicts in its starting location in Iowa. Walton says his motives were to make an affordable alternative to target, but he revealed when questioned the following: "I did ... invent Wall Mart to overthrow the government and rule USA!" As you can see, Walton was not a kind man, for the various half priced clothes were actually made from orphan hair! To put it simply, Wall Mart's slogan means not Always low Prices, but Always Corporate Greed'!

It’s SuperBigK to the rescue!

Being a fiery redhead, he rebelled by refusing to arrive to work on time and mis_stocking items. His favorite mis-stock was putting tubes of hemorrhoid ointment in the toothpaste boxes. His short-term employment experience at K-mart led him to believe that he could start his own chain of stores. He was so angry with K-mart for treating him like a common stock boy that he sold everything he had pilfered from K-mart at the flea market and opened his first store with the proceeds.

Walton initially began his enterprise in a hostile takeover of Godsey's General Store. So hostile in fact that John-boy's mole was shot off, and Mary-Ellen's husband was "killed" but later came back as Ultra Jesus. John-boy increased traffic to his store by selling lumber from Pa's mill and The Recipe (the moonshine that the Baldwin sisters made).

John Boy dons Elvis wig and costume for grand opening of first Wal Mart

Having had competent employees at his first store, he was able to make enough money to open another. After several years of success, he let his employees follow in his footsteps.

Some years later Walton decided, "Hey, let's sell cheap crap and put American workers out of business!" and proceeded to do just that.

Even though he boasts of happy, helping employees (which he euphemistically insists on calling 'associates' for some unknown reason) you hardly can ever find one when you need help.

After such great success, one would think they could find competent employees.

In only three years Wal-Mart Germany was so successful that they sold everything, including Germany.

[edit] Protesters

typical Wal-mart protester

Many a people do dislike Wal-mart so much they go out of their way to protest it. They protest thinking 'Wal-mart is hurting our neighborhood and destroying our "Mom and Pop" businesses' when in fact the "Mom and Pop" businesses don't have very many customers and they don't have the ingenious 'ROLLBACK' so the prices remain the same. Plus, most of the organizers who organize the protests are indeed the owners or inheritors of the mom and pop business who are running it into the ground and need a scapegoat.

Some of the reasons these people protest are:

A man/woman can't raise a family on their wage

Poor health benefits

Poor working conditions

"Mom and Pop" s#it whatever

And an unsanitary work place

Destroying environment.

Some of the reasons why they shouldn't are:

A man/woman shouldn't try to support their family working at wal-mart

One should pay for health insurance (Cost too much? DON'T WORK AT WAL-MART!!)

It's a giant store that's hard to maintain

"Mom and Pop" is s#it whatever

If it's SO unsanitary, you wipe up the vomit

One thing agreeable is that Wal-Mart does treat people like their own. Hint: Shit.

But until "Mom and Pop" shops sell food, clothes, video games, movies, guns, magazines, liquor, food. Then you're gonna be at Wal-Mart or Target to buy a video game, gun, and chips for the weekend

[edit] The Conspiracy

According to Wikipedia a Wal-Mart was built 1.9 miles from the Pyramid of the Moon. They also say that this is that Pyramid. Wikipedia is wrong, this IS the Wal-Mart, which was built by ancient Aztec warriors when Sam Walton decided he not only should take over the world, but all of time itself. He then went back in time and underpaid various tribes to build Wal-Marts throughout time, which explains the various edited 50 Cent albums found in ancient tombs near Machu Picchu.

Knowing all of this, let's venture into the inner workings of Wal-Mart.

Wal-Marx (or Mall-Wart, as it is officially designated by DNA: the National Association of Dyslexics) is best known for its union-torching activities, its refusal to sell the morning-after pill and its love of censoring clock lyrics from CDs.

Currently, it is thought that Wal-Mart is attempting to develop an army of illegal aliens for employment in their stores until Wal-Mart executes its final strategy for world domination and mind control. It is clear from what the stores offer that each Wal-Mart is capable of acting as a "standalone". In fact, close inspection of the master floor plan indicates that, in a pinch, Wal-Mart could function exactly as the U.S.S. Nautilus submarine. Like US submarines, Wal-Mart is basically a self-sufficient little town which not only offers beanie weenies in bulk, but medicine knockoffs, antennae balls wearing cowboy hats, nuclear weapons, fast food restaurants, optometrists, hair stylists, nail care, house ware, dentists, clothing, toys, hunting and fishing items, sports and camping equipment, full-service doctor office clinics within their walls of oppression and pure capitalistic evil.

This program has received two thumbs up from Saudi Arabia, Stalin, and the entire population of Iran, all of which are thriving capitalistic countries. Which is actually a lot more than just two thumbs up but Wal-Mart is notorious for inventory error.

In 1933, Sivie O'Collen from ASDA presented the idea to Mr. T to build a highly top-secret intelligence agency for surveillance only for the NATO countries.

In 2092 Wal-Mart ordered an army of clone associates from the planet El Camino. They were expected to be far better associates than the droids, illegal aliens, and chimpanzees that previously staffed Wal-Mart stores.

65% of all disappearances happen at Wal-Mart, and there is rumoured to be a black hole somewhere in the Customer Service department.

A typical Walmart associate named Evan Tracy, in his new greeters uniform.

There are rumors about the Heart of Wal-Mart: specifically that it may be located somewhere in the Electronics department behind the plasma screen TVs. But anybody that attempts to look for this heart is quickly transported to the Tools section and forced to buy screws at low, low, Wal-Mart prices.

We have just found that if you shop at Wal-Mart you are now considered a communist by the Department of Homeland Security. Fidel Castro owns Wal-Mart and ruins America's economy with his bargain basement prices. He shuts out the little American businessmen with their little shops and trinket stores, forcing them to set up kiosks at the mall full of 30 lb. silver bicycle chains and other drug paraphernalia shipped in from the villages of India, Pakistan, Afghanistan and other communistic countries - which makes you a communist every time you shop at Wal-Mart.

Recent revelations have shown that in the near future, Wal-Mart will be heavily involved with the trade and distribution of souls. One associate noticed a price tag in the back of a store marked "15% of soul." When questioned, Wal-Mart's CEO said, "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you."

It is suspected that Wal-mart may have links to Evil Ronald and his chain of calorie stores. This is just a suspicion, for there is no proof other than the McDonalds' in absolutely every Wal-Mart in the world (and quite possibly on Mars).

It is also speculated that WALMART has formed an alliance with the evil McDonalds And in so making it not only unnecessary but impossible for Obese people to leave the store , those Nazi Bastards !

WALMART IS TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[edit] The Resurrection

People may have noticed recently the influx of Wal-Marts around the world few know this but it all part of a master plan. If you were to look at all the Wal-Marts in the world from space you would see something strange, something evil. That’s right they form the beginnings a Giant Smiley Face. A smiley face of unparalleled eeevilll. At the center this evil smiley face lays a shrine drenched in discount apple juice from the Wal-Marts in the darkest corners of the Earth and holds the body of Wal-Mart's creator Sam Walton. Once the GESF (Giant EEEvilll Smiley Face) has been completed Millions of CSMs will converge upon this shrine and unleash the souls of the Wal-Mart cashiers, instinctively knowing that this will awaken their master and he will lead them to world domination.

[edit] Profits

Wal★Marx, a communist version of Wal★Mart, is greedy

Wal-Mart has a vast profits, however, the CEO prefers to spend every bit of income on oriental rugs and foreign hookers.

[edit] Happy Holidays

Wal-Mart firmly believes in altering, if not changing, the consumer mindset by broadcasting cheery Christmas carols via its loudspeakers. It knows that consumers will buy twice the goods while listening to Silent Night Holy PRICE CHECK needed in AISLE FIVE PRIce chdhkchacakCACKLEsplutterCACKLEin AISLE Twenty FIVE!! Night, ALL is CODE %5 CACKLE spit 59 in ZONE chhhhhhhhzzzzzz clunk calm, all is ...Chkkkghhekdk AH SAID PRICE CHECK IN AHLL FAHVE!!! bright. This is why the terrorist jew that is known by the nickname Colbias Maximus is out to kill all Americans, especially since one cut off his balls in a desperate attempt to flee. Yes, Wal-Mart is definitely the place to visit if you want to get into the traditional holiday spirit.

[edit] More on Wal-Mart's State-of-the-Art Public Address System

The natural human voice normally disperses evenly in all directions, whereas the Wal-Mart PA System sends inane messages throughout the Wal-Mart complex via a 5000-watt bullhorn directly into the shopper's ear. The sound is concentrated in a given direction towards random shoppers in an effort to cause general confusion which urges them to make regrettable purchases no matter what the price as long as they get the hell out of there ASAP. The trade-off is that if the shopper gets home and reconsiders his purchase, the thought of the Returns department line and the cost of gas to drive back to Wal-Mart is too cost-prohibitive to seriously consider this option.

The Wal-Mart bullhorn is electronic and generally amplifies sound to a decibel level which has caused clinical deafness in rats. It consists of a microphone, an amplifier and a Wal-Mart tape recording distributed by Corporate Headquarters in hell china Russia.

[edit] Checkout Area

Wal-Mart's corporate headquarters, designed by Soviet architect Zakarai Sonovabitchovich.

Wal-Mart features a large checkout area in the front of the store. Over a half-mile long, customers can choose from 1,245 checkout lanes, with 405 of them being the self-automated checkout systems, which is explained further in detail below. For the old-fashioned customer, traditional cashiers are also available to assist them as well. Rarely talkative, the cashier's duty is to try overcharging the customer. It is rare for the checkout area to have more than 20 cashiers at any given time, so lines can back up to the other side of the city in which the Wal-Mart is located.

[edit] Self-Automated Checkout System

Recently a new invention, the self-automated checkout system was created to give customers an alternative to the traditional cashier service, which can take an extra four hours. Given the inordinate amount of time spent in line, the self-automated system gives customers an advantage. Before the customer begins to scan his/her items on the register, an automated voice greets the customer and tells the person to scan the first item. In that case, the customer begins to get agitated at the automated voice and says something derogatory at it and attempts to scan the first item, only to find the system not working properly. So in desperation, the customer signals the unsuspecting clerk who's picking his nose and walks up to the self-checkout. He scans the item and returns to his previous spot. The customer then proceeds to scan the next item and has the same problem as before. He calls the clerk again and he steps over to him. This time, the customer explains that the self-checkout is not working, when the clerk explains that the automated voice can get emotional at times and may not scan the items. When the customer hears the news, he says that this system sucks ass, and the automated voice tells him that it knows where he lives and that it will trace him down. The following week, the man was found dead in his home. Cause of death is electrocution from picking up his telephone.

[edit] Wal-Mart Locally

In an attempt to thwart bad publicity on the parking lot crimes, Wal-Mart enforced a dress code. This however backfired (as seen on Jay Leno's Headlines).

Before Wal-Mart infiltrated the urban infrastructure, crime was virtually non-existent in most communities. Studies show that crime rates have soared to a dramatic level in areas within a 2-mile radius of Wal-Mart. 78% of crimes are committed in Wal-Mart parking lots. This is due to the rapid expansion of the company. The USGS estimates that by 2009 50% of all land in the US alone will be Wal-Mart owned.

[edit] According to the US Dept. of Laborious Statistics, in 2004 Wal-Mart was linked to:

• 22% of hit and runs

• 99.9% of alex getting raped by MJ

• 39% of all rape victims

• 100% of Shyam having "intimate relations" with Michael Jackson (aka Wacko Jacko)

• 98% of boys being named Aeron when it is really a girl's name, and only Aaron is a boy's name...oh wait, Aeron really IS a girl.

• 100% poor movie referrences made from 198-2005

• 22% of the products actually bought and not stolen.

• 100% of all the matter created in the universe, where else would it all come from?

• 79.4% of Rob Halford's baldness

• 53.9% of Krispy Kreme doughnut sales

• 65% of purse snatchings

• 58% of global warming

• 23% of teenage pregnancies due to wal-mart brand condoms

• 42% of hitchiker's guide to the galaxy references

• 42% of ozone-layer depletion

• 42.549876982984% of people tripping on their shoelaces

• 81% of our children becoming gay despite all we've done for them and all that time making sure they went to Sunday School, and oh! the humiliation, your father is just going to have a damned heart attack when he finds out about this!

• 55% of child pornography

• 68% of child abuse

• 78% of adults abusing each other

• 72% of Management professionals jerkin' the gherkin to the Missing Children's poster.

• 2% of missing left shoes, 98% of missing right shoes

• 100% of 008 hating all humans and wishing to kill them.

• 74% of missing right shoes

• 98% illegal immigrant employment

• 39% of criminal domestic violence

• 32% of illegally parking in handicapped spaces

• 101% of all meth abusers

• 74% of illegally parking in fire lanes

• 87% of littering and butt screwing

• 18,537.56% of all idiocy

• 79% of Friday after Thanksgiving Day sale tramplings

• 78% of prisoner abuse

• 99.999999656526592356% of Christmas Eve violence (The other .000000343473407644% was from alleged Santa Claus sightings)

• 12% of violations of United Nations' resolutions

• 43% of Michael Jackson attacks

• 100% of senior citizens greeting you with a suspicious glare when you enter the store

• 100% of poor people

• 3.141592% of fighting over the value of Pi

• 98% of wife beatings

• 91% of MySpace errors

• 88.3% of the US Seagull Urban Relocation Program (USURP for short) which relocates seagulls 400 miles inland from the closest "sea" to a Walmart parking lot containing neither water nor fish but is attractive to seagulls because the oceans of garabage and dumped soft drinks closely resembles the natural habitat of water fowl everywhere. This program, instituted by the democrats 3 months prior to the last election and costing taxpayers a mere 20% of every paycheck until their death from lack of social security funds beginning in the year 2025, will ensure that seagulls are a protected species until the democrats are voted out of office by republicans promising to remedy the injusticeness of it all.

• 200% of hunting accidents involving a shotgun

• 10.3% of unwanted pregnancies

• 92.5% of all illiterates

• 11% of attacks by the zorange, an 8- ft. cockroach that rhymes with orange and stalks in the night.

• 65% of people yelling: "You got served, BITCH!"

• 34% of Daniel Craig fucking killing you

• 416% of hip hop

• 1000% of what's wrong with this country

• %24 of dyslexia. I hope this is not a joke about dyslexia - that would not be furry. "Get thee behind me, Santa!"

• 87.3% of Dyspepsia

• 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169% of Hollywood Comedies

• 10% of repetitions in lists

• 56.847% of made up statistics

• 10% of repetitions in lists

• 92.1% of all lead poisionings

• 88% of Bob Saget

• 100% of the plot of Cloverfield

• 86% of lame edited rap music.

• 90% of all the problems with Michael Vick and his dogs.

• 20% of your mom

• 65.66666% of little boys getting raped by Catholic Priests

• 99.0009% of Yoda talking in reverse

• 50% being Sold over to Disney and Mickey Mouse

• 0% of upper middle class people, or even regular midle class

Wal-Mart has denied responsibility for all charges, even though we SO know they did. (Seriously, we've got proof.)

[edit] Wal-Mart Surveillance

The more you shop at wal-mart the more you look like this.

Someone addicted to walmart.

If you look carefully you will notice the conspicuous placement of brown smoked plastic "camera encasing" globes resembling hamster exercise balls hanging from the ceiling at both ends of every aisle. Although most customers believe they are biometrically recording the structure of their irises and recording their every shopping habit, they are actually surveillance decoys, just another way to cut costs and keep you from scratching your ass in public. Go ahead and scratch anyway - it amuses the hamsters.

So far, there has been no Wal-Mart presence reported in Iraq; this is believed to be the result of there being a Target on every corner.

A convenient Wal-Mart SuperCenter is scheduled to open only 61 miles west of the proposed Moon Colony slated to open in 2078.

If you would look to the left of the screen, you will notice the documentary on fat bitches. The effects of Wal Mart's radioactive cameras have turned this poor bastard into a really fat bitch. If you direct your attention to the right of the screen, you will see an animal named 'Spencerilius Boxallius' AKA 'Spencer Boxall'. He loves Wal-mart so much that he bouces up and down for it in hope of lower prices

[edit] Wal-mart Toy Packaging

Wal-Mart takes great pride in its high standards when it comes to anchoring a toy to its box. These astonishingly intricate arrangements are unprecedented in the toy packaging industry. Wal-Mart uses 100 tons of iron ore a year in twisty ties alone and every component of every toy must be attached by a minimum of twenty twisty ties twisted twenty times (say that real fast ten times).

The cardboard box itself must strictly adhere to Wal-Mart's tight security regulations and require tools to open it which indisputably discourages shoplifting. In some instances the jaws of life may be the only equipment available to open oversized packages, especially around Christmas time when stress levels are at their highest and the tight packaging serves as the last straw. 73% of murders and 20% of holiday heart attacks are caused by Wal-Mart toy packaging. Wal-Mart's packaging is the reason they sell so many angle grinders.

Wal-Mart toys are also the #1 supporter of the Chinese Lead industry.

[edit] The China Connection

Although Chinese suppliers deny their connection to loading its products with lead paint and sloppy graphics, Walmart continues to sell poisonous Christmas lights, toys, candles with lead wicks, and shopping carts contaminated with handles that have been touched by thousands of customers whose babies sucked on strings of xmas tree lights then slobbered on carts which were later touched by consumers who then touched their nose or mouth.

Does this explain the widespread behavioral dysfunction of Americans and their seemingly complete ignorance of common decency or manners? Yes! It explains everything! The apathy, the stupidity, the greed, the rudeness, the ignorance. There was no ADD, bipolar disorder, Prozac, or Ritalin before the evolution of Chinese product importing Walmart. Something there is that doesn't love a mall and its name is Walmart.

[edit] The Reins of Power

The President and CEO of Wal-Mart is Fat Albert. Lord Emperor Bill Clinton is the commander of Wal-Mart's child slaves.

Wall Street Mart insider and non-taxpaying bitch Martha Stewart keeps her house in order.

Martha Stewart, who is affiliated with Kmart, but secretly wants to destroy is with the help of Wal-Mart Monster, is said to have stock in Wal-Mart. Of course, everyone knows that Martha Stewart is really just Oprah's demented sex slave.

If we are lucky, she'll dump her stock and there will be a hostile takeover of Wal-Mart stores by Kmart.

We would all hate to lose the helpful items Martha has in store at Kmart.

Wal-Marto is a Mexican mercenary who has sworn his loyalty to Wal-Mart and fights in their name. He is a disciple of General "Dirty" Sanchez.

Wal-Mart is responsible for the revolt of the Cylons and the ultimate destruction of the human race.

(Please note that the text above has nothing to do with S-Mart. Now will you please release the sixteen editors that have edited this section?)

[edit] Position in the Grand Hierarchy of Things^TM

• Target shoppers look at Wal-Mart shoppers and say "Those are not my people."
• Wal-Mart shoppers look at Big Lots shoppers and say "Those are not my people."
• Big Lots shoppers look at dollar store shoppers and say "That is not mine. It's just... not mine."
• Dollar store shoppers look at flea market shoppers and say "Esa gente está debajo de mí en la orden socioeconómica."
• Flea market shoppers look at all that NASCAR merchandise and wonder if there's enough cash left in their pay envelope.

[edit] Wal-Mart's connection to Cloverfield

It has recently been reported that the monster in the movie Cloverfield, is actually a mutated Wal-Mart store, caused by the lay-away of plutonium. Wal-Mart has consistently denied these reports, as they have said that they would never open a store in Manhattan.

[edit] Subsidiaries

• Walachia★Mart
• Jihad★Mart
• 9-Eleven, (a subsidiary of Jihad-Mart)
• Megalomaniac★Mart
• Asda (U.K.)

[edit] X-Play

X-Play gives Wal-Mart 2 smiley faces, out of 5. Why not just go to Target?

[edit] See also

• Wal-Mart:The Movie
• Al Qaeda Homepage
• Tesco

[edit] References

1. ↑ Warrick, Alyssa D. (September 2001). Sam Walton is the Anti-Christ.

[edit] External Links

• Wall-Mart Foundation
• In depth analysis on Wal-Mart shopping

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Wal★Mart.

wal-mart has the most supply of food in the years of food shopping... FUCK YEAH! All we need now is like all the fast food places in the store. They have subway, BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK?! Fuck Subway, Fuck YEAH Wal-mart!!!!!

                                                                       -kyle thompson