Wal★Mart
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“Im doing a signing there next week!”
~ The Crips on Walmart's walls and bathroom stalls
“It is a place to buy more for less...buy more than you intended to purchase for less than you can afford to pay, resulting in buying more than you intended to purchase for less”
~ bankrupt Walmart shoppers"
Wal★Mart was the fifth of the Seven Plagues of Egypt. It began in 1312 BC when Moses said to Pharaoh, "Let my People Shop," and Pharaoh said "No," so God created a plague Wal-Marts in five and a half days as a curse to punish the ancient Egyptians for their great wickedness.
Unfortunately, in modern times, the curse, after laying dormant for many centuries, has been re-awakened in the United States by the first Antichrist of Arkansas, Sam Walton. [1] Responses from God have not been forthcoming, since he has been on an intergalactic cruise since the afternoon of the sixth day and cannot be reached for comment. Wal-Mart has continued to spread its contagion well into present times where its kudzu-like habits have been known to smother entire voting districts.
The world population will be doomed to slavery as long as irresistible $5 DVDs are sold at Wal-Mart.
Recently Wal-Mart has become venereal in the form of Wal-Mart Monster. Be careful! He takes what he wants and sells it for less!
[edit] Mission statement
To capture the pathos & quiet desperation that is Wal-mart shopping, and also to conquer the entire free world and force them to live out their short and useless lives building and/or working, shopping, and earning a living slightly higher than food stamp minimum requirements, though slightly below the national poverty levels. We will achieve this with creative definitions of full time, overtime, and double time as well as a consistent lack of benefits. We will also introduce a trickle up economy, beneficial only unto our greedy selves and certain interests known only to Washington DC politicos.
We will passionately maintain a zoo like and olfactorily offensive atmosphere through a relaxed, cavalier, inhospitable approach to service while executing ruthless expertise in a choreographed manner that appears effortless. Every guest shall leave their visit having had an extraordinarily grueling, impersonal, and filth filled experience with the intention of returning grudgingly.
We pride ourselves in paying employees less so you can save more.
In accordance with the Mission Statement, Walmarty successfully eliminated all small business competition in Rockport, Texas.
Wal-mart is overflowing with the fat people on the weekends. What will happen when it closes... Look Out K-Mart! Here comes the pudge! Grab the guns from the back and fire on my mark...
[edit] Wal-Mart's Favorite Slogans
- 1. Wal-Mart, Always Nut Busting And Mind Controlling, ALWAYS
- 2. Kmart Can Kiss My Ass! So Can Target, And Others!
- 3. Blow Your Money Here At Wal-mart
- 4. Wal-Mart, The Kick In The Ass
- 5. Mcdonalds In Wal-Mart? Holy Shit!
- 6. Oh, Great! Now Kids Are Blowing Their Money Away
- 7. People Complain About Not Having Money, Because Of Wal-Mart
- 8. Go F*ck Yourselves At Wal-Mart
- 9. There's No Saving Money And Living Better Here, Buddy!
- 10. Always Lead based Chinese Toys, Always!
- 11. In capitalist America, Wal-Mart outsources you! (Parody of the Russian Reversal)
- 12. Eat me, at Wal-mart; says Paris Hilton
- 13. Shit money, live less.
- 14. We own you.
- 15. Lead is not that bad for your kids.
[edit] History
The story begins in the bunghole of Chris Finke. Aunt. Jemima and Uncle Fucker (Japanese: ドラえもん) was an android invented by the Japanese to destroy freedom, er, America, er, DA SHIZ! I mean freedom. After the war, he used the magical time-travel machine that Godzilla had neglected to destroy, and went back in time to take over America's colony. Wal-Mart was founded by a three-headed monster and a Supercowboy named John-boy Walton on the windswept steppes of Walton Mountain, VA in 1902. He was the red-headed step-child of the Waltons, the one you never saw because he was locked away in the attic. The love that was shared on that mountain betweenst monster and cowboy is the subject of many a fairy tale.
John Boy was fortunate enough to escape and move to the city to become an employee of K-mart. After he received his first pay check, he realized he would not be able to afford that one-bedroom apartment on the corner of Main and the street with yonder bridge on it.
Wall mart was first used as a haven for prostitutes and drug addicts in its starting location in Iowa. Walton says his motives were to make an affordable alternative to target, but he revealed when questioned the following: "I did ... invent Wall Mart to overthrow the government and rule USA!" As you can see, Walton was not a kind man, for the various half priced clothes were actually made from orphan hair! To put it simply, Wall Mart's slogan means not Always low Prices, but Always Corporate Greed'!
Being a fiery redhead, he rebelled by refusing to arrive to work on time and mis_stocking items. His favorite mis-stock was putting tubes of hemorrhoid ointment in the toothpaste boxes. His short-term employment experience at K-mart led him to believe that he could start his own chain of stores. He was so angry with K-mart for treating him like a common stock boy that he sold everything he had pilfered from K-mart at the flea market and opened his first store with the proceeds.
Walton initially began his enterprise in a hostile takeover of Godsey's General Store. So hostile in fact that John-boy's mole was shot off, and Mary-Ellen's husband was "killed" but later came back as Ultra Jesus. John-boy increased traffic to his store by selling lumber from Pa's mill and The Recipe (the moonshine that the Baldwin sisters made).
Having had competent employees at his first store, he was able to make enough money to open another. After several years of success, he let his employees follow in his footsteps.
Some years later Walton decided, "Hey, let's sell cheap crap and put American workers out of business!" and proceeded to do just that.
Even though he boasts of happy, helping employees (which he euphemistically insists on calling 'associates' for some unknown reason) you hardly can ever find one when you need help.
After such great success, one would think they could find competent employees.
In only three years Wal-Mart was so successful that they sold everything, including Germany.
[edit] Protesters
Many a people do dislike Wal-mart so much they go out of their way to protest it. They protest thinking 'Wal-mart is hurting our neighborhood and destroying our "Mom and Pop" businesses' when in fact the "Mom and Pop" businesses don't have very many customers and they don't have the ingenious 'ROLLBACK' so the prices remain the same. Plus, most of the organizers who organize the protests are indeed the owners or inheritors of the mom and pop business who are running it into the ground and need a scapegoat.
Some of the reasons these people protest are:
A man/woman can't raise a family on their wage
Poor health benefits
Poor working conditions
"Mom and Pop" s#it whatever
And an unsanitary work place
Destroying environment.
Some of the reasons why they shouldn't are:
A man/woman shouldn't try to support their family working at wal-mart
One should pay for health insurance (Cost too much? DON'T WORK AT WAL-MART!!)
It's a giant store that's hard to maintain
"Mom and Pop" is s#it whatever
If it's SO unsanitary, you wipe up the vomit
One thing agreeable is that Wal-Mart does treat people like their own. Hint: Shit.
But until "Mom and Pop" shops sell food, clothes, video games, movies, guns, magazines, liquor, food. Then you're gonna be at Wal-Mart or Target to buy a video game, gun, and chips for the weekend
[edit] The Conspiracy
Knowing all of this, let's venture into the inner workings of Wal-Mart.
Wal-Marx (or Mall-Wart, as it is officially designated by DNA: the National Association of Dyslexics) is best known for its union-torching activities, its refusal to sell the morning-after pill and its love of censoring clock lyrics from CDs.
Currently, it is thought that Wal-Mart is attempting to develop an army of illegal aliens for employment in their stores until Wal-Mart executes its final strategy for world domination and mind control. It is clear from what the stores offer that each Wal-Mart is capable of acting as a "standalone". In fact, close inspection of the master floor plan indicates that, in a pinch, Wal-Mart could function exactly as the U.S.S. Nautilus submarine. Like US submarines, Wal-Mart is basically a self-sufficient little town which not only offers beanie weenies in bulk, but medicine knockoffs, antennae balls wearing cowboy hats, nuclear weapons, fast food restaurants, optometrists, hair stylists, nail care, house ware, dentists, clothing, toys, hunting and fishing items, sports and camping equipment, full-service doctor office clinics within their walls of oppression and pure capitalistic evil.
This program has received two thumbs up from Saudi Arabia, Stalin, and the entire population of Iran, all of which are thriving capitalistic countries. Which is actually a lot more than just two thumbs up but Wal-Mart is notorious for inventory error.
In 1933, Sivie O'Collen from ASDA presented the idea to Mr. T to build a highly top-secret intelligence agency for surveillance only for the NATO countries.
In 2092 Wal-Mart ordered an army of clone associates from the planet El Camino. They were expected to be far better associates than the droids, illegal aliens, and chimpanzees that previously staffed Wal-Mart stores.
65% of all disappearances happen at Wal-Mart, and there is rumoured to be a black hole somewhere in the Customer Service department.
There are rumors about the Heart of Wal-Mart: specifically that it may be located somewhere in the Electronics department behind the plasma screen TVs. But anybody that attempts to look for this heart is quickly transported to the Tools section and forced to buy screws at low, low, Wal-Mart prices.
We have just found that if you shop at Wal-Mart you are now considered a communist by the Department of Homeland Security. Fidel Castro owns Wal-Mart and ruins America's economy with his bargain basement prices. He shuts out the little American businessmen with their little shops and trinket stores, forcing them to set up kiosks at the mall full of 30 lb. silver bicycle chains and other drug paraphernalia shipped in from the villages of India, Pakistan, Afghanistan and other communistic countries - which makes you a communist every time you shop at Wal-Mart.
Recent revelations have shown that in the near future, Wal-Mart will be heavily involved with the trade and distribution of souls. One associate noticed a price tag in the back of a store marked "15% of soul." When questioned, Wal-Mart's CEO said, "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you."
It is suspected that Wal-mart may have links to Evil Ronald and his chain of calorie stores. This is just a suspicion, for there is no proof other than the McDonalds' in absolutely every Wal-Mart in the world (and quite possibly on Mars).
It is also speculated that WALMART has formed an alliance with the evil McDonalds And in so making it not only unnecessary but impossible for Obese people to leave the store , those Nazi Bastards !
WALMART IS TAKING OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
[edit] The Resurrection
People may have noticed recently the influx of Wal-Marts around the world few know this but it all part of a master plan. If you were to look at all the Wal-Marts in the world from space you would see something strange, something evil. That’s right they form the beginnings a Giant Smiley Face. A smiley face of unparalleled eeevilll. At the center this evil smiley face lays a shrine drenched in discount apple juice from the Wal-Marts in the darkest corners of the Earth and holds the body of Wal-Mart's creator Sam Walton. Once the GESF (Giant EEEvilll Smiley Face) has been completed Millions of CSMs will converge upon this shrine and unleash the souls of the Wal-Mart cashiers, instinctively knowing that this will awaken their master and he will lead them to world domination.
GO PEPTO BISMAL!!!!!!!!!
[edit] Profits
Wal★Mart has a vast profits, however, the CEO prefers to spend every bit of income on oriental rugs and foreign hookers.
[edit] Happy Holidays
Wal-Mart firmly believes in altering, if not changing, the consumer mindset by broadcasting cheery Christmas carols via its loudspeakers. It knows that consumers will buy twice the goods while listening to Silent Night Holy PRICE CHECK needed in AISLE FIVE PRIce chdhkchacakCACKLEsplutterCACKLEin AISLE Twenty FIVE!! Night, ALL is CODE %5 CACKLE spit 59 in ZONE chhhhhhhhzzzzzz clunk calm, all is ...Chkkkghhekdk AH SAID PRICE CHECK IN AHLL FAHVE!!! bright. This is why the terrorist jew that is known by the nickname Colbias Maximus is out to kill all Americans, especially since one cut off his balls in a desperate attempt to flee. Yes, Wal-Mart is definitely the place to visit if you want to get into the traditional holiday spirit.
[edit] More on Wal-Mart's State-of-the-Art Public Address System
The natural human voice normally disperses evenly in all directions, whereas the Wal-Mart PA System sends inane messages throughout the Wal-Mart complex via a 5000-watt bullhorn directly into the shopper's ear. The sound is concentrated in a given direction towards random shoppers in an effort to cause general confusion which urges them to make regrettable purchases no matter what the price as long as they get the hell out of there ASAP. The trade-off is that if the shopper gets home and reconsiders his purchase, the thought of the Returns department line and the cost of gas to drive back to Wal-Mart is too cost-prohibitive to seriously consider this option.
The Wal-Mart bullhorn is electronic and generally amplifies sound to a decibel level which has caused clinical deafness in rats. It consists of a microphone, an amplifier and a Wal-Mart tape recording distributed by Corporate Headquarters in hell china Russia.
[edit] Checkout Area
Wal-Mart features a large checkout area in the front of the store. Over a half-mile long, customers can choose from 1,245 checkout lanes, with 405 of them being the self-automated checkout systems, which is explained further in detail below. For the old-fashioned customer, traditional cashiers are also available to assist them as well. Rarely talkative, the cashier's duty is to try overcharging the customer. It is rare for the checkout area to have more than 20 cashiers at any given time, so lines can back up to the other side of the city in which the Wal-Mart is located.
[edit] Self-Automated Checkout System
Recently a new invention, the self-automated checkout system was created to give customers an alternative to the traditional cashier service, which can take an extra four hours. Given the inordinate amount of time spent in line, the self-automated system gives customers an advantage. Before the customer begins to scan his/her items on the register, an automated voice greets the customer and tells the person to scan the first item. In that case, the customer begins to get agitated at the automated voice and says something derogatory at it and attempts to scan the first item, only to find the system not working properly. So in desperation, the customer signals the unsuspecting clerk who's picking his nose and walks up to the self-checkout. He scans the item and returns to his previous spot. The customer then proceeds to scan the next item and has the same problem as before. He calls the clerk again and he steps over to him. This time, the customer explains that the self-checkout is not working, when the clerk explains that the automated voice can get emotional at times and may not scan the items. When the customer hears the news, he says that this system sucks ass, and the automated voice tells him that it knows where he lives and that it will trace him down. The following week, the man was found dead in his home. Cause of death is electrocution from picking up his telephone.
[edit] Wal-Mart Locally
Before Wal-Mart infiltrated the urban infrastructure, crime was virtually non-existent in most communities. Studies show that crime rates have soared to a dramatic level in areas within a 2-mile radius of Wal-Mart. 78% of crimes are committed in Wal-Mart parking lots. This is due to the rapid expansion of the company. The USGS estimates that by 2009 50% of all land in the US alone will be Wal-Mart owned.
[edit] According to the US Dept. of Laborious Statistics, in 2004 Wal-Mart was linked to:
- 22% of hit and runs
- 99.9% of nathen getting raped by Elmo
- 100% of Shyam having "intimate relations" with Michael Jackson (aka Wacko Jacko)
- 98% of boys being named Aeron when it is really a girl's name, and only Aaron is a boy's name...oh wait, Aeron really IS a girl.
- 100% poor movie referrences made from 198-2005
- 22% of the products actually bought and not stolen.
- 100% of all the matter created in the universe, where else would it all come from?
- 79.4% of Rob Halford's baldness
- 53.9% of Krispy Kreme doughnut sales
- 65% of purse snatchings
- 58% of global warming
- 23% of teenage pregnancies due to wal-mart brand condoms
- 42% of hitchiker's guide to the galaxy references
- 42% of ozone-layer depletion
- less than 1% of anything useful
- 42.549876982984% of people tripping on their shoelaces
- 81% of our children becoming gay despite all we've done for them and all that time making sure they went to Sunday School, and oh! the humiliation, your father is just going to have a damned heart attack when he finds out about this!
- 55% of child pornography
- 68% of child abuse
- 78% of adults abusing each other
- 72% of Management professionals jerkin' the gherkin to the Missing Children's poster.
- 2% of missing left shoes, 98% of missing right shoes
- 100% of 008 hating all humans and wishing to kill them.
- 74% of missing right shoes
- 98% illegal immigrant employment
- 39% of criminal domestic violence
- 32% of illegally parking in handicapped spaces
- 101% of all meth abusers
- 74% of illegally parking in fire lanes
- 87% of littering and butt screwing
- 18,537.56% of all idiocy
- 79% of Friday after Thanksgiving Day sale tramplings
- 78% of prisoner abuse
- 99.999999656526592356% of Christmas Eve violence (The other .000000343473407644% was from alleged Santa Claus sightings)
- 12% of violations of United Nations' resolutions
- 43% of Michael Jackson attacks
- 100% of senior citizens greeting you with a suspicious glare when you enter the store
- 100% of poor people
- 3.141592% of fighting over the value of Pi
- 98% of wife beatings
- 91% of MySpace errors
- 88.3% of the US Seagull Urban Relocation Program (USURP for short) which relocates seagulls 400 miles inland from the closest "sea" to a Walmart parking lot containing neither water nor fish but is attractive to seagulls because the oceans of garabage and dumped soft drinks closely resembles the natural habitat of water fowl everywhere. This program, instituted by the democrats 3 months prior to the last election and costing taxpayers a mere 20% of every paycheck until their death from lack of social security funds beginning in the year 2025, will ensure that seagulls are a protected species until the democrats are voted out of office by republicans promising to remedy the injusticeness of it all.
- 200% of hunting accidents involving a shotgun
- 10.3% of unwanted pregnancies
- 92.5% of all illiterates
- 65% of people yelling: "You got served, BITCH!"
- 34% of Daniel Craig fucking killing you
- 416% of hip hop
- 1000% of what's wrong with this country
- %24 of dyslexia. I hope this is not a joke about dyslexia - that would not be furry. "Get thee behind me, Santa!"
- 87.3% of Dyspepsia
- 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169% of Hollywood Comedies
- 10% of repetitions in lists
- 56.847% of made up statistics
- 10% of repetitions in lists
- 92.1% of all lead poisionings
- 88% of Bob Saget
- 100% of the plot of Cloverfield
- 86% of lame edited rap music.
- 90% of all the problems with Michael Vick and his poop.
- 20% of your mom
- 65.66666% of little boys getting raped by Catholic Priests
- 99.0009% of Yoda talking in reverse
- 50% being Sold over to Disney and Mickey Mouse
- 0% of upper middle class people, or even regular midle class
Wal-Mart has denied responsibility for all charges, even though we SO know they did. (Seriously, we've got proof.)
[edit] Wal-Mart Surveillance
If you look carefully you will notice the conspicuous placement of brown smoked plastic "camera encasing" globes resembling hamster exercise balls hanging from the ceiling at both ends of every aisle. Although most customers believe they are biometrically recording the structure of their irises and recording their every shopping habit, they are actually surveillance decoys, just another way to cut costs and keep you from scratching your ass in public. Go ahead and scratch anyway - it amuses the hamsters.
So far, there has been no Wal-Mart presence reported in Iraq; this is believed to be the result of there being a Target on every corner.
A convenient Wal-Mart SuperCenter is scheduled to open only 61 miles west of the proposed Moon Colony slated to open in 2078.
If you would look to the left of the screen, you will notice the documentary on fat bitches. The effects of Wal Mart's radioactive cameras have turned this poor bastard into a really fat bitch. If you direct your attention to the right of the screen, you will see an animal named 'Spencerilius Boxallius' AKA 'Spencer Boxall'. He loves Wal-mart so much that he bouces up and down for it in hope of lower prices
[edit] Wal-mart Toy Packaging
Wal-Mart takes great pride in its high standards when it comes to anchoring a toy to its box. These astonishingly intricate arrangements are unprecedented in the toy packaging industry. Wal-Mart uses 100 tons of iron ore a year in twisty ties alone and every component of every toy must be attached by a minimum of twenty twisty ties twisted twenty times (say that real fast ten times).
The cardboard box itself must strictly adhere to Wal-Mart's tight security regulations and require tools to open it which indisputably discourages shoplifting. In some instances the jaws of life may be the only equipment available to open oversized packages, especially around Christmas time when stress levels are at their highest and the tight packaging serves as the last straw. 73% of murders and 20% of holiday heart attacks are caused by Wal-Mart toy packaging. Wal-Mart's packaging is the reason they sell so many angle grinders.
Wal-Mart toys are also the #1 supporter of the Chinese Lead industry.
[edit] The China Connection
Although Chinese suppliers deny their connection to loading its products with lead paint and sloppy graphics, Walmart continues to sell poisonous Christmas lights, toys, candles with lead wicks, and shopping carts contaminated with handles that have been touched by thousands of customers whose babies sucked on strings of xmas tree lights then slobbered on carts which were later touched by consumers who then touched their nose or mouth.
Does this explain the widespread behavioral dysfunction of Americans and their seemingly complete ignorance of common decency or manners? Yes! It explains everything! The apathy, the stupidity, the greed, the rudeness, the ignorance. There was no ADD, bipolar disorder, Prozac, or Ritalin before the evolution of Chinese product importing Walmart. Something there is that doesn't love a mall and its name is Walmart.
[edit] The Reins of Power
The President and CEO of Wal-Mart is Fat Albert. Lord Emperor Bill Clinton is the commander of Wal-Mart's child slaves.
Martha Stewart, who is affiliated with Kmart, but secretly wants to destroy is with the help of Wal-Mart Monster, is said to have stock in Wal-Mart. Of course, everyone knows that Martha Stewart is really just Oprah's demented sex slave.
If we are lucky, she'll dump her stock and there will be a hostile takeover of Wal-Mart stores by Kmart.
We would all hate to lose the helpful items Martha has in store at Kmart.
Wal-Marto is a Mexican mercenary who has sworn his loyalty to Wal-Mart and fights in their name. He is a disciple of General "Dirty" Sanchez.
Wal-Mart is responsible for the revolt of the Cylons and the ultimate destruction of the human race.
(Please note that the text above has nothing to do with S-Mart. Now will you please release the sixteen editors that have edited this section?)
[edit] Position in the Grand Hierarchy of ThingsTM
- Target shoppers look at Wal-Mart shoppers and say "Those are not my people."
- Wal-Mart shoppers look at Big Lots shoppers and say "Those are not my people."
- Big Lots shoppers look at dollar store shoppers and say "That is not mine. It's just... not mine."
- Dollar store shoppers look at flea market shoppers and say "Esa gente está debajo de mí en la orden socioeconómica."
- Flea market shoppers look at all that NASCAR merchandise and wonder if there's enough cash left in their pay envelope.
[edit] Wal-Mart's connection to Cloverfield
It has recently been reported that the monster in the movie Cloverfield, is actually a mutated Wal-Mart store, caused by the lay-away of plutonium. Wal-Mart has consistently denied these reports, as they have said that they would never open a store in Manhattan.
[edit] Subsidiaries
[edit] See also
[edit] References
- ↑ Warrick, Alyssa D. (September 2001). Sam Walton is the Anti-Christ.
