Waldvogel

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“The Waldvogel is the only thing I have ever seen that has, upon viewing it, caused me to ejaculate in my pants.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the Waldvogel

Booo

A Waldvogel is a funny-looking creature I happened upon once during my mid-morning walk. It was precisely two weeks and fifty-three seconds ago (at the time of writing) when we crossed paths. It suddenly occurred to me that I was on the ground, and I rationalized that I must have passed out. I checked my watch, and to my immense disturbance, it was now three seconds later than it was before. My rationalization now corrected, I looked around for another plausible cause of my being on the ground.

This is when I saw the most beautiful mammal I have ever laid eyes on. The following is the image I captured, using my cell phone:

I found it tangibly disturbing, however pleasant. My eyes were drawn particularly to its thirteen breasts of unusual size.

I showed many of my friends the picture, and they all accused me of forging it. I will tell you now that I AM NOT A LIAR and what I say is the cat's pajamas (i.e., the truth).

I followed the creature, which I began referring to as a Waldvogel, for many weeks, living on only the lining of my jacket, while I observed its eating, sleeping, and sexual habits.

[edit] Eating Habits

Although the Waldvogel's diet consisted mainly of roadside glass and carnie folk, he wasn't above sharing a candlelit dinner of pocket lint with me.

Other foods the Waldvogel seemed to particularly enjoy included: electrical cables, used condoms, hats, wallpaper, shoelaces, toenails, bibles, small cities, small children, small shoes, small fingers, large heads, large boxes, large computers, large cities, large children, large fingers, board games, jigsaw puzzles, soft cheeses, hard cheeses, in-between cheeses, steel cheese, stale cheese, goat cheese, blue cheese, dice, dye, computer programmers, GI-joes, barbies, sexist toys, large paperback out-of-print novels, axes, bird nests, pantalones, snow, dandruff, vehicles of all sizes (you know, motorcycles, cars, trucks, mopeds, etc...), deer, homosexuals, Mormons, space aliens, inquisitionists, cell phones, mediocre dining establishments, oil barrels, Chinese people, angry elephants, and passing motorists. Needless to say, he was a menace to the local law enforcement.

[edit] Sleeping Habits

After several days, I realized the Waldvogel did not, as a matter of fact, sleep, so I contracted a virulent disease and died.

Just kidding.

The Waldvogel's sleeping habits were exactly identical to my own, so we slept together, which brings me to my next topic:

[edit] Sexual Habits

The Waldvogel's main mean of sexual release seemed to be masturbation. As a matter of fact, its eating, sleeping, and sexual habits seemed to be very intertwined. It usually masturbated with its food in its sleep.

Although, after those candlelit lint dinners, it wasn't above making sweet sweet love to me in the dark.

Sadly, the Waldvogel eventually died and I was forced to return to reality.