Wales
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| Coat of Arms (It's a big W) | ||
| Wenglish | ||
| Capital | Llanfaircaereinion | |
| Largest City | EfailHen | |
| Longest city | Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogochberg | |
| National animal | Tom Jones | |
| Monarch | Sam Tân | |
| Area | ||
| Population - Total (2001) - Density | People: 2 900 000 Sheep: 2 900 000² 2mg/sqKm | |
| Currency | 1 Welsh Pound | |
| Time zone | 1857 | |
| National anthems | The Land of My Farthers, You Can Stick Your ------- Chariot, | |
| National Holidays | Burn Union Jack Day (29 February),St David's Day (Too often) | |
| National flower | Self Raising | |
| Patron saint | Mrs. James Hook | |
| Flag |  | |
Wales is a continent in the Atlantic Ocean that is commonly confused with the Republic of Congo.
Contents |
[edit] History
Wales was founded in 27,000 BC by whale worshippers. Wales was once a small collection of about 18 smaller states. Continuous wars between the smaller states eventually led to a successful allied victory for the states of Dadlau and Rhyfelgar in the year 250AD. A bizarre election campaign filled with scandals led to the election of a dyslexic tyrant, Dvaid Smiht, who promptly named the newly-formed country after his aquatic gods.
[edit] Messiah
An angel appeared on the hills of the Brecon Beacons promising the local shepherds that a new Messiah was about to be born in a barn in Machynlleth. The excited shepherds hurried in their coracles up to mid-Wales only to find, to their utmost dismay, that a Young Farmer’s gig was scheduled at the barn in question that night, and that the birth of the Messiah had been postponed until the following Tuesday. One of the shepherds leaked the story of the impending birth to both the Western Mail and Daily Post, who, on a front page story on the Saturday, labelled him the “new Messiah” and “our Saviour”. By Monday the papers had 26 pages devoted to the “unfulfilled potential” of the Messiah and how his birth was just a “false dawn”. The angels decided that, as a result, Wales was not the best spot for the Messiah to be born and promptly buggered off to Bethlehem. The angel did however give Wales one task: "to produce all things woolly". And so was born sheep country.
[edit] Invasion
The first major war in Wales since the days of the city states soon emerged. A fear of conquest rushed through the Welsh heartland when the Romans vanquished their army. The Welsh retreated onto Ynys Mon, a previously ignored wasteland which, for the first and last time, became important and noteworthy for a brief while. At the final battle the Welsh ran out of arrows. As a last ditch assault the Welsh turned to their women and druids. The pagan leaders began screaming the dreaded war chant “WAAAAAALES, WAAAAAALES, WAAAAAALES”. They were joined by viciously fat naked women wildly screaming and waving Celtic standards. The Romans fled in fear.
Since this the Welsh have honoured their saviours. The men repeat the fearsome chant at every opportunity, while the women roam the towns in all weather, wearing next to nothing.
[edit] Disastrous Union
In 1250 a sudden cataclysmic earthquake joined Wales to England. For the first ten seconds of this union the people of both countries were bewildered, confused and wary. On the 11th second a Welshman by the name of Taffy Triog became the first man to cross the border, where he entered a traditional English Cantonese restaurant. There was no way he could have foreseen that his decision to take two Mint Imperials from the bar would define Welsh-English relationships for a millennium. Within days the English poem “Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief” became #1 in the Poetry Charts with a record 71 sales.
For the next 544 years Taffy’s legacy lived on with constant fighting and wars between the Welsh and the English. A somewhat comical accident during the Battle of Porth-y-Gest became the basis of another popular song. A shot from a Welshman’s bow broke the wheel of an unfortunate English soldier’s chariot. As his vehicle flipped into the air the soldier fell to ground. Before he could safely roll away the chariot came crashing down towards him. Although he managed to avoid the main body of the chariot, one of the spokes struck in a thoroughly unpleasant manner. The resulting song is now one of the national anthems of Wales.
In the 17th century Wales was used as a prison by the English. No chains or walls were needed as no one could read the signs so any potential escapee got lost. The Welsh however, began training the prisoners to pillage English villages and play rugby. In 1694, after a crushing 11-9 defeat at the Tregynnog National Stadium, the English abandoned the whole scheme.
In the year 1794 Sir John Roache, with the help of the British Army, called an end to the fighting by separating Wales from England using a fruit knife (See the England article for more information on this historic event). Nowadays the country of Wales floats freely and happily in the Atlantic Ocean. For this reason it is therefore only shown on maps within Europe when it floats within range of the edge of the sheet.
[edit] A Legislature of their Own
After the separation from England in 1974 Wales held a referendum on whether to forget about politics and live the simple life, or to establish some sort of legislative body. The vote was a crushing defeat for the supporters of politics when the only person who bothered voting flipped a coin and decided on a simple life.
By 1997, however, the Welsh were growing restless. The lack of a legislative body had deprived them of their greatest pastime, arguying. Therefore in 1999 the Wales County Council was formed. Although officially based in a greenhouse in Cardiff Bay, the members usually meet every other Thursday at Clwb y Bont in Pontypridd. Not only has it been a great arena for arguing, petty point scoring and big boasts (again, the bastions of Welsh sport) but, quite unexpectedly, it has improved the lives of the Welsh population. Most analysts accredit this to the Council’s immense wealth which it has amassed by threatening the European Union with the possibility of dumping thousands of annoying horns outside the stadiums of every professional team on the continent. To keep Wales at bay the EU funds its every whim.
Some of the most high-profile schemes funded by the County Council include; the popular gameshow Dr Who?, keeping Charlotte Church in England, half price pints for under 16s on a Thursday across Wales and free travel for people with 3 legs on local bus services between 11pm and 1am in the valleys.
The current Welsh President is Bryn Cartright, a local business man and roofing entrepreneur .
- addendum* - As of 17 January 2006, the president is now Dafydd Jones the Baker.
- addendum* - As of 10 March 2006, the president is now Dafydd Jones the Traffic Warden.
- addendum* – As of 11 August 2006, the president is now David Guscott Taylor-Pilkington
- addendum* - As of 12 August 2006, the president is now Dafydd Jones the President
[edit] Civil War
Recently the Welsh have been living under the cloud of a Cold Civil War. It began shortly after the establishment of the Welsh County Council. While the whole point of the body was to encourage arguing and fighting, the Welsh appetite for such actions was clearly underestimated. The County Council poured resources into the Southern areas, building icons such as the Centurion Stadium, the Armadillo Centre and, of course, the Greenhouse Council House. The frayed tempers erupted into conflict when a small, highly trained, army from the South stole Robin McBryde, holding him hostage. The North retaliated by kidnapping Dr. Who.
The Mid-Walians are yet to choose sides in this conflict, but a decision is expected shortly after the end of the ongoing Young Farmer's National Eisteddfod, which is currently in its 568th month and expected to last a few more years.
While Southern analysts have put the blame purely on the shoulders of what they deem the jealous North, Northern analysts claim the same in reverse. According to the Northern belief the South is simply jealous of the fact that North Wales got Rhyl.
[edit] Fears of Disintegration
Notwithstanding the impending civil war there is a real fear of the disintegration of Wales. The 4th biggest, and some say most influential, city in Wales, Llandwrog, has recently been pushing for independence. Their claim lies in a thousand year old poem “”Wylit Wylit Llandwrog, Wylit waed pe gwelit hyn”. Other towns that appear to be following suit include The Millennium Stadium, Borth, Portmeirion, and, most disturbingly of all, the Brains Brewery. Newport recently announced their intention to seek independence, but no-one in Wales seemed to care.
[edit] Culture
Fighting, Drinking, more fighting, sheep tossing, drinking and fighting. Radio Wales plays GLC, Shakin Stevens, Tom Jones and Shirley Bassey records. Somtimes they play rugby, they are better at it than the English.
[edit] Sport
As previously stated, the national sport of Wales is arguing (Oh no it isn't!). A Welshman takes great pride in his ability to argue with anyone for no apparent reason. Being from a different county/town/village/street/house/side-of-the-bed is usually enough to guarantee a fight. Supporting a different rugby team guarantees a war. The only time when Welshmen refrain from arguing with each other is when there's an Englishman present. In such a situation the Welsh become brothers-in-arms and turn on the intruder.
Following the 3rd law of physics, namely that every country has to be good at something, the welsh are quite skilled in the art of throwing a ball around. In one memorable match they managed to throw and catch the ball a stunning 21 times.
The Welsh football team is world famous and admired for once beating the Italy national (under 18 disabled blind women) team by 2 goals to 1.
The national stadium of Wales is the Liberty Stadium, which has an all seater capacity of 5 with its own county council. Other grounds sometimes used for for national events include The Racecourse, The Vetch Field, Farrar Road, Paradise Park and Dan-Yr-Ogof Caves. The Millennium Stadium is not considered as nobody can spell it.
Historically the Welsh have been world-beaters in the popular sport of "Burn the Englishman's Holiday Home". Unfortnately for the Welsh this sport was outlawed in 2003 due to EU constraints on carbon emissions.
[edit] Library
There is one Library in Wales. This is called "The National Library" and is situated in Aberystwyth. Its has a collection of over 40 books and is world renouned for its tea making facilities. The Library was supposed to be opened by Charlotte Church in 1857 but Dr Who, using his TARDIS, snuck back to 1856 and opend it early.
n 2001, the Wales County Council awarded one of the largest grants in Welsh history - £45.63 - to fund a new "Travelling National Library" in the form of a moped to ensure that Welsh people living in the country's remote Nether Regions had access to Wales's most famous work of literature: "Ivor the Engine v Superted - Deathmatch".
[edit] Long Names
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliowgogogochberg is Wales' longest place name. It was decided after Aled Jones and Shaun the Sheep were playing a game of Scrabble when Fireman Sam pushed over their game. The letter pieces coincidently landed in a line to spell out this word. As the 59 letter word looked vaguely Welsh, Aled Jones decided to name a small town after it. And so the town of Cwmditch was promptly renamed.
[edit] Eisteddfod
A popular annual event is that of the Eisteddfod (lit. Empty Tent). It is said to recreate the mythological sacrifice of the Ffalabalam teddies as set out in ancient texts from 1903. Recent research however suggests that this to be a mistranslation of the original text which was actually just a weather report from Sian Lloyd.
The Eisteddfod is considered the most important event in Wales. Children and near-death grannies parade in a gigantic empty tent, trying to remember more Welsh words than the person before them. Everyone between the age of 12 and 31 are at the Youth village (Maes-B) drinking 98% vodka out of plastic cups. Everyone between the age of 32 and 54 are in caravans, drinking 98% vodka out of crystal glasses.
The main event is the Chairing of the Bard. Hopeful Bards from across the land line up on stage whilst a young girl starts singing Mi Welais Jac y Do. All the Bards skip around a number of chairs until the music stops, when they sit down. Whoever is left standing gets a letter. When a Bard has enough letters to spell LL-A-N-F-A-I-R-P-W-LL-G-W-Y-N-G-Y-LL-G-O-G-E-R-Y-CH-W-Y-R-N-D-R-O-B-W-LL-LL-A-N-T-Y-S-I-L-I-O-G-O-G-O-CH-B-E-R-G he is out and a chair is removed. Whoever lasts until the end gets to keep the chairs to chop into firewood. In the infamous 1917 Eisteddfod in Birkenhead the final two Bards, in their rush for the final chair, crashed into each other knocking both unconscious. Naturally, being in Birkenhead, by the time they woke up some local had stolen the chair and therefore, for the only time in Welsh history, no-one received the chair.
Notable winners include
- 1765 - David Tennant and Billie Piper
- 1903 - Raymond "Barney" van Barnaveld
- 1912 - Aled Jones
- 1913 - The Snowman
- 1924 - Charlotte Church
- 1941 - Fatty Lewis
- 1965 - Kylie's gran
- 1975 - Charlotte Church
- 1983 - Germany on penalties
- 1991 - Paul Bodin (later disqualified for diservice to Welsh football)
- 1998 - Charlotte Church (banned from trying again due to successes)
- 2004 - Tom "the Tom" Jones
- 2008 - Robert Mugabe (award ceremony pending investigation into voting irregularities)
[edit] Art
Art is flourishing in Wales. Barely a bypass, ruin, road sign or caravan in the country is not colourfully decorated by budding artists. It used to be a national pastime to paint beautiful slogans on houses. Some locals protested to having their houses decorated, thankfully however English visitors who owned holiday homes in Wales welcomed the artists with open arms and tourist villages such as Abersoch became a haven for art lovers. In the 1970s a campaign group of Philistines waged a war against Welsh art by burning down the buildings on which these slogans were painted. The poor holiday home owners, who had done so much for Welsh culture by giving the space for the artists to draw, were left without a home to visit on the weekends.
Wales is renowned for its distinctive architecture, which consists of thousands of very small grey houses arranged to look like necrotising fasciitis infections in the most beautiful glacier valleys in the world. In 1851, Welsh architect and town-planner Gwylym Hwlchwlch won the Wooden Pail of Ale Prize for designing Merthyr Tydfil, widely held to rival Venice as the "Most Beautiful City in the World" and recently awarded World Heritage status by the Betws y Coed Working Men's Club.
[edit] Crime
Contrary to the precedent set by Jones the Thief, crime is low in Wales. The two most common crimes are ram-raiding and having sex with a miner.
[edit] Popularity
Wales are like marmite, they have a love-hate relationship with the rest of the world. They get on reasonably well with their Celtic cousins, particularly Ireland who share their love of drink and strange ball games. This Celtic bond barely exists in most things although is always reconciled when the English are involved. Indeed the Welsh, like their Celtic cousins, hate the English with a burning passion. The English don't care, largely because they are patronising twits (Especially when it comes to rugby which England quite frankly are crap at), but that is neither here nor there.
[edit] Language
The Welsh speak Welsh in an attempt to confuse foreigners, whereas English is spoken behind their backs. See Welsh language
[edit] Welsh Colony
In 1865 a group of Welshmen who had grown weary of their wet, inhospitable and infertile land moved to the wet, inhospitable and infertile land of Patagonia in Argentina. When they discovered that no-one there knew English they happily settled. Today the Welsh language is still spoken in some parts of Patagonia. Local cafes still advertise a “Sgon & Jam” for sale while the local McDonalds allows you to order, as the Welsh do, “Big Mac Mawr a Coke plis"
[edit] Economy
The economy in Wales used to be built upon sheep mines. These often caved in and took the local economy down with it. Children are still conscripted to the mines at the age of 5 for a 10 year service. Parents who wish to give their children an advantage in life buy them the Back Garden Sheep Mine Building Set at the age of 3 (available at all Welsh Tescos.)
These days, however, the main part of the entire economy consists of a pub in every house and B&B on every corner (required by law to charge double for English customers and put a pea under their mattresses). However, the Welsh Development Agency has plans to help the economy diversify, for example by selling the Saxon Radar (a device capable of identifying English people, by their bulging wallets, at distances of up to 400 yards) to other countries - it has proven itself so successful in Wales that every Welsh person already has one, and now has no trouble finding a rich visitor to fleece.
[edit] Must See Tourist Sites
- Yr Wyddfa (Mount Snowdon) – the highest building site in the UK (previously the highest slum in the UK)
- Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllthisnameisfuckinglongllantysiliogogogoch (Endangeroud World Heritidge Site. The foundations of the city are stuggling due to the constant erosion caused by the phlegm of English visitors trying to pronounce the name)
- England-bound drinking water in drowned valleys (£1 per piss).
- Cardiff (Wales' hidden gem, a must for all tourist who wish to keep off the beaten track)
- Mumbles Mile (of misery)
- Port Talbot (where visitors can marvel at the the cream of Welsh architecture)
- Fflint (Because anywhere you ever go afterwards will seem better.)
- The "Turin Shroud" bloodstain on the ceiling of the Coathanger's Arms Inn the town of Senghennydd - said to have mysteriously appeared after a busy night. Locals deny that it is simply a bloodstain left over from the infamous "Brawl of the Coathanger Weapons at the Coathangers" in 1892.
- Tom Jones (To avoid disturbing historic ruins, dogs must be kept on a leash.)
- Penarth, where on a clear day millions of Welsh people congregate on the beach so they can point and laugh at Avonmouth.
[edit] Imports
Key imports include:
- Old English Tourists
- Castles
- Money
- The 7:15 from London Paddington to Cardiff Central. Calling at Reading, Swindon, Bristol Parkway, Newport and Cardiff Central. Now departing from platform four.
- Rain
[edit] Exports
Key exports include:
- Their chief exports are lovespoons and lavabread, although nobody has ever found out what these items are for.
- Welshmen - a delicacy in Cambodia
- Fire
- Fireman Sam & Superted
- War
- “Golwg”
- Rugby
- Dragons
- Pube-Lee-Comb - A Welsh language soap opera about a woman with a giant nose
- Brecon Vodka (99% proof)
- Wikipedia (was invented by Wales)
[edit] Famous Welsh
- Rhydian "Scary hair" of Powys
- Charlotte "Mam" Church
- Anffony "I really am as bloody American-as-apple-pie" Opkins
- Glyn 'what the hell am I famous for' Wise
- Aled "walking in the air" Jones
- Superted (not to ne mistaken with Super Ted or Supert Ed)
- Dafydd
- Dai (everyone knows Dai munn!!)
- Fireman Sam - yes, he's Welsh
- Sali 'dirty movie' Mali
- Super Ted (not to be mistaken with Superted or Supert Ed)
- Max "only Welsh people find me funny" Boyce
- Ivor the Engine
- That one with a red coat on in the film Zulu
- Pol 'misunderstood' Pot
- Ifor Williams Trailers
- Supert Ed (not to be mistaken with Superted or Super Ted)
- Tom 'Jones' Jones
- Kylie's Mam
- Dylan Thomas
- Bob Dylan
- Swpar Ted (not to be mistaken with anyone else at all)
- Huw Ceredig
- Catherine Zeta-Jones (Michael Douglas' daughter).
- ==See also==
