Walsall

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“Hmm. Shame about Margaret Thatcher. Met a nice man there - Steven Thorpe. Pleasant man, firm around the buttocks.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Walsall.

“Ow am ya?”

~ Walsall on You

Walsall is the largest city in Poland, it is also found with the north west of the British Midlands; it has been home to several famous people and stuff

[edit] Location

Walsall is about 2 miles from Birmingham, Wolverhampton, Tamworth and occasionally Burton-upon-Trent. Due to the constant state of war no one is sure if Walsall is in Poland, England, Spain or even Wales. At the moment it is floating in the Dead Sea, waiting for the return of Margaret Thatcher so the Walsall light sheep brigade can declare war once more.

[edit] Tourism

Walsall has many attractions to distract the unwary visitor. They vary from the absurd to the even more absurd. Many a pleasant week can be spent exploring the town’s cultural and touristic delights if you have the odd afternoon to spare and can’t get your car fixed quickly enough.

For the summer visitor there is the annual Walsall-By-The-Sea Pageant, which is held bi-annually on the 6th of December and which involves the temporary re-construction of a Victorian Pier in the town's hallowed Park Street and the creation of a convincingly realistic seaside Pleasure Beach to rival Blackpool, but sadly without the nudists.

For the autumn traveller there is of course the world renowned Walsall Illuminati Barn Dance. This is not to be confused in any way with the Blackpool Illuminati Love-Fest; the fact that many of Walsalls Illuminati perform at Blackpool is merely a coincidence and hey, Walsall thought of it first, so there.

Open constantly throughout the year, but limited to daytime visits without a private booking, is the Walsall Museum of Leather Accessories. The less said about this dungeon of delights the better. It is of course only open to the over 18s.

Another noted town attraction is the Saddlers Centre. Here, rustic craftworkers make saddles to order for virtually any animal including hamsters, hippos, and of course the indigenous warthog, which is often seen accompanying the residents of the bohemian quarter on their morning strolls. Recent studies suggest that the high increase in Chav population due to Kerry Katona's attempt to re-populate the Earth, has sparked a new kind of saddle; that being one designed for the young mother with already four kids. This was condemned by the concerned elderly population who felt it would make beasitality more enjoyable for Chav males.

Walsall is also unique in having its own Goth quarter. Not for Walsall the normality of a Chinese quarter or any other standard ethnic section. This famed square mile, which features a number of make-up boutiques, black clothing stores and jewellery shops is also home to a number of Visi-goths - although they are less well regarded by the locals. The popularity of the quarter has been questioned as recent census data now clearly shows that it is in fact an eighth.

The town is home to the legendary Walsall Arboreteum which really merits a page of its own. It is in fact the last remaining tract of the great forest that once covered the isle of Britain, a place of legend and myth from which most of the first inhabitants of Walsall originated. The dream of all Walsall dwellers is to one day live again in the hallowed woods and Elysian fields of the Eden that is the Arboretum.

Much of Walsall's international fame stems from the 'Walsall Illuminations', a secret town event of which only Walsall inhabitants are aware. At this special time of the year, usually between 1 and 2 o' clock on a Sunday afternoon, the tramps of Walsall are rounded up, covered in birdseed, and attacked and eaten alive by the local pigeons. The fat, bloated pigeons are subsequently set alight and thrown at foreigners passing through the town. The event was dubbed 'The Walsall Illuminations' in 1976 by a German traveller who was the main target of that year's pigeons. This was because, when said with a local accent, 'Walsall' sounds like 'Blackpool'.

This list is not exhaustive in any way. There’s all kinds of great fun things to do in Walsall. Kayaking, for example, is a popular and absorbing local hobby. And there's a few gay bars too, if you're interested.

The Podium is full of dirty greebos. Kain for example cannot eat garlic bread or come out in daylight because he is scared of T'ippo. Aproaching These people could be a bad idea unless you are part of the occult and also slit your wrists. And Beware Never Look Directly into The Eyes Of A Walsall Greebo It may be the last thing you do. Regular diet of a grebo consists of Mr sizzle and anything they can rob from tescos without getting caught.. visitng times of the greebos to podium consist of anytime between 10 :30 am and 6-7 pm this makes life uneasy for elderly people but the podium has its answer for the infest problem "THE CHAVS" the one thing the greebos are scared of you can be sure that the chavs will keep the greebos in line robbing them of anything possible. As a result it was suggested that "Chav Hunting" be made legal by many within the Greebo community, however Walsall council are nothing but Chavs and thus the case was dismissed.

Walsall was recently invaded by a group claiming to be "The Hell's Angels". This group includes Mark, the goth cowboy. Paul, the guarder of the paper box. Tribal, also know as Hitmonchan. Shadow, got sacked from Asda LOLOLOLOL! Porky, who got bummed & Chav Aaron with his Duncle.

[edit] Language

Like the Welsh the Walsallians speak they own made up language, but unlike Welsh it is not officially used anywhere. This may be why foreigners, who are dialling 999 for an ambulance due to a Chav attack, can't understand what the operator is saying.

A key feature of the Walsallian language is H's noted for their absence, as is gramma, spelling and stuff.

Some key words are:

Walsallian	English
'os	Horse
'e	He
'ate	Hate
T'ippo	The Hippo
'ell 'e is 'alf the time	He is a great man
'ospital	Foundation Hospital

However in spoken Walsallian the aim is to make it as hard as possible for anyone to understand you, this often involves speaking faster than you can think with allows you to lose even more letters out of the words.

[edit] Terms

The people of Walsall are referred to as Walsallians though in some cases the term 'pillocks' is also used. This is due to the amount of sardines that are consumed in the town, and the fighting style that is most popular in the famous Walsall Gym of Performing Arts.