Wanganui
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“OH MY FUCKING GOD! GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Wanganui.
“I'd poon those bitches.”
~ Shane Warne on Wanganui.
“I like to bathe in the currents of the musty River, its water flow like waves of love, a tender dove, a baptism of sorts. Nigger my gun go off. You see my barrel turning, you see the hose burning. Nigger now thou art learnst. Nigger my gun go off.”
~ The famous James K. Baxter on Wanganui.
“Rape? ABSOLUTELY!”
~ C. Ronaldo on Wanganui.
“Wanganui: Well worth the bombing.”
~ Osama Bin Laden on Wanganui.
“Holiday in Wanganui! YEAH RIGHT!”
~ A Tui Billboard on Wanganui.
“I went to Cinderella's and all I got was this stupid blow!?”
~ Helen Clark on Wanganui's Red Light District.
“Take this article off IMMEDIATELY!!1! Wangavegas is the best city in the WORLD!!!1!!! It has the best river EVAR for ROWING!!!11!!! I LOVE ROWING IT IS MY LIFE OMG GO COLLEGIATE!!!11!!”
~ A Wanganui Collegiate School student on Wanganui and their beloved sport of rowing.
Wanganui, generally referred to as the shithole of the world by the majority of New Zealanders, is located on the South Taranaki Bight, close to the mouth of the Waikato River. It is 200 kilometres north of Wellington, 75 kilometres northwest of Palmerston North, and 300 kilometres south-by-south-west of Sparta at the junction of State Highways 3, 4, 78, and 9 3/4. That is, literally in the middle of nowhere. Most of the city lies on the river's northwestern bank, although some suburbs are located on the opposite side of the river, and occasionally on the floor of the river itself, such as Aramaho where the majority of all the towns person lives.
The city enjoys a temperate climate, with slightly above the national average sunshine (2100 hours per annum), and about 900 mm of annual rainfall. Frosts in winter are uncommon, but not rare. The temperate climate is well suited to the cultivation of marijuana, Wanganui's primary export.
Wanganui is administered by the Royal Wanganui District Council. The current king is His Royal Supreme Beingness and Grand Poombah Michael Laws. Laws is well known for his utterly tragic appearance on 2007's Dancing With The Stars and wearing eyeliner.
Wanganui's nearest neighbour is the magestic Palmerston North, or 'Palmy' as it is known locally. It comprises of the amazing Palm Tree islands, which many people incorrectly believe is in Dubai. Surprisingly, the name 'Palmy' relates not to its official name, but to a local over-abundance of unemployed B.A. graduates (male and female) who exchange meat pies for hand-jobs.
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[edit] History
The area around the mouth (and anus) of the Whanganui river was a major site of pre-European Maori settlement and herpes outbreaks. When the city of Wellington was established it became an important centre for trade (primarily of cannibis, underage Wanganui City College prostitutes and Maori slaves). With the increased number of Pacific Island settlers arriving in the country, it became a logical site for the establishment of a new town.
The early years of Wanganui were problematic. Without KFC or McDonald's back in the 19th century, locals were forced to eat surplus from trading: the aforementioned cannabis, prostitutes and slaves. This inevitably lead to a condition known as 'Wangavegas Syndrome', where sufferers typically sit around on couches unable to move, watching their Fuhrer on Dancing With The Stars and getting their wives to visit the Victoria Ave Pak 'N' Save (circa. 1856) for more Mainland Tasty Cheese.
Wanganui grew rapidly after this time, with land being cleared for pasture. The town was a major military centre during the Land Wars of the 1860s, and although said wars have since ended, local Maori at Putiki Pa to this day still enjoy killing and eating Pakeha Wanganuians and raping their daughters who attend Wanganui Collegiate School.
The Whanganui River catchment is seen as a sacred area to Maori, and the Wanganui region is still seen as a focal point for any resentment over land ownership. In 1995, the Moutoa Gardens were occupied for 79 days in a violent protest by the Whanganui iwi over land claims. The 300 iwi members were eventually steamrollered by King Michael Laws and his army of Persians, however their memory lives on in the giant stone statue of Goatse in the Moutoa gardens, still standing today.
Wanganui was the site of the New Zealand Police Law Enforcement System from 1976 to 1995. The city was host to an early Sperry mainframe computer-based intelligence and data management system, known colloquially as just the 'Space Oddity' as Wanganui was still without any electricity, roads, people, houses, running water or KFC at this time. The data centre housing the computer was subject to New Zealand's highest profile suicide bombing in 1982 when anarchist Neil Roberts threatened to light a children's sparkler in the entry foyer. He did. Roberts was the only casualty of the bombing.
[edit] The Name
Whāngā Nui is Te Reo Maori for 'feijoa fucking', an ancient Maori tradition. On Waitangi Day the Wanganui Maori flock to Moutua Gardens to perform the 'Feijoa Fucking' ritual. No reports currently exist of what exactly occurs at these ceremonies, as any normal human being coming within eyesight of Moutua Gardens during the ritual immediately contracts AIDS and dies immediately, leaving no record of their experience other than blackened insides and scratched-out eyeballs. The John Ballance statue is often double-teamed by randy Maori and his head inevitably falls off.
[edit] Wanganui, Whanganui or Goatse?
A non-binding referendum was held in 2006. 82% voted for Wanganui without an 'h', while a further 0.000001% voted for the removal of the statue of Goatse in Moutua Park. The one person who voted this was then sacrificed on the alter at the Temple of Michael Laws and the body put on display, speared on Goatse's giant dick. The overall turnout for the referendum was 55.4%, this can be attributed to the rest of the Wanganui population being either at Cinderella's, Pak 'N' Save or attending the local penitiary centre Wanganui Collegiate School and therefore unable to attend.
[edit] City Features
Prominent features of the city include the Sarjeant Art Gallery, the Royal Wanganui Opera House, the Wanganui twin towers, the Taj Wanganui, the Great Wall of Wanganui, the Grand Wanganui Canyons and the ancient Pyramids of Wanganui which were built by the first Maoris to arrive there in 1000 BC. Other popular tourist locations are Cinderella's brothel, the Karaka St dairy and Trafalgar Square Mall which was built in 1651 by early English settlers who disappeared mysteriously soon after.
Cook's Gardens are a major sporting venue, used for cricket, cycling, bungy jumping, big-game fishing, small bore shooting (primarily of other New Zealanders) and faggoty Wanganui Collegate School athletes for their athletics. On January 27, 1962, a world record time for running a mile was set by Peter Snell on the track at the gardens.
Much of the city is on the river's northwest bank. The river is crossed by four bridges - Cobham Bridge, City Bridge, Dublin Street Bridge and Eastown Railway Bridge (rail, pedestrians and lawnmowers only, and this one time, a horse-drawn carraige). Close to the southeast end of the City Bridge is one of Wanganui's many unusual features, an elevator leading to a monument on the top of Durie Hill. The death toll for going up this elevator is now over 10,000. Significant deaths from the Durie Hill elevator include those of many New Zealand greats including Frodo Baggins, Vladimir Lenin, Jar Jar Binks, Dave Dobbyn and all four members of Panic At The Disco.
Gull/Woolworths Quickstop is the main hive of activity during the dark hours on Friday and Saturday. Crowds of up to 100 drunken, underage teenagers converge to steal things, kill each other and buy pies to trade with the folk of Palmerston North for sexual favours. Things almost always get of of hand and ADT Security is called, only to be pelted with the skulls of the fallen. By two o'clock in the morning, however, the crowds of youths move to Hobo Corner to socialise with the mentally-retarded and drug-afflicted members of the Wanganui population, such as Glenn.
Suburbs of the city include (clockwise from due South), Goneville, Castlecliff, Springvale, St. Johns Hill, Aramoho, Wanganui East, Bastia Hill, and Durie Hill. All of these are located some distance off shore of the main township on floating reefs made from used car tyres and yellow plastic Pak 'N' Save bags.
Wanganui folklore also tells of a bowling alley, supposedly situated on the site of the current Woolworths supermarket. However, as nobody in Wanganui can remember the time before said Woolworths was built (except perhaps Peter Dickinson, the validity of these claims have remained questionable. Legend tells the bowling alley got torn down in favour of the 29th Woolworth's store, the other 28 being located in or around Video Ezy.
[edit] Economy
Once a prosperous town, Wanganui now survives on the income from the rich kids who are shipped in from all over New Zealand and Asia to attend Wanganui Collegiate School, the local boarding house, mental institution, brothel (look for Bishops and Godwin houses) and penitiary.
Marijuana trade is also integral in Wanganui's economy. The deputy mayor, Oscar Wilde, has be accurately quoted by an edition of the local newspaper, The Chronicles of Wanganui: Prince Michael as saying: "If we don't increase our export of cannabis between 21% and 37% by the third quarter of this financial year, we seriously run the risk of economic downturn. In such a case our only choice is to follow our neighbour Palmerston North and exchange hand-jobs for mince pies as our main economic activity".
Stephen Barns is the town bicycle and will accept anything from 6 peanuts upwards per hour.
