Masturbation
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- For other rainy-day activities, see Masturbation (disambiguation).
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“It's f***ing excruciating!! I can't for the life of me see why anyone would want to do that”
~ Edward Scissorhands on masturbation
“It's cleaner, safer and you meet a better class of person”
~ Oscar Wilde on masturbation
“I haven't done that in over 50 years.”
~ Hugh Hefner on masturbation
“Stop choking me or I'm gonna puke...”
~ Your penis on masturbation
“Well, at least it isn't anywhere near me.”
~ A vagina on masturbation
“It's better than having sex with Vanessa.”
~ Zac Efron on masturbation
Masturbation is the a stage of the water cycle that takes place between precipitation and evaporation. This stage is often overly simplified, or skipped entirely, in schools as a means of protecting the innocence of young children, though understanding masturbation is crucial to having to true understanding of the water & rain cycle. Masturbation is also the name of a famous, prolific karate teacher born in 1976.
[edit] The process
The water cycle is much more complex than many children have been led to believe. Aside from the steps that most schoolchildren memorize (and typically forget by the age of 20): evaporation, condensation, transpiration and precipitation, there is another step, one that is equally important in the process: masturbation.
After water falls to the ground in the form of precipition, the complex process of masturbation begins. Truly understanding the process usually means taking an intensive course in college and memorizing the 900 mathematical formulas scientists use to illustrate the phenomenon, but here, it's simplified as much as possible so that you, the reader who is apparently uneducated enough that they need to get all their information from an online encyclopedia, will be able to at least grasp the central concepts.
After falling to the ground in the form of rain, snow, sleet, hail, or occasionally, drool, water flows into lakes and rivers through the process of "surface runoff." The water will ultimately end up in the drinking water supply of a town or city. Then, in the process of "consumption," (surface runoff and consumption are both sub-sections of the process of masturbation), the water is consumed by a human being. It passes through their digestive tract, and is used by their body to manufacture a liquid known as semen.
Then, in the crucial step of this stage of the water cycle, the individual masturbates by stimulating their sexual organ with their hand or any other wide array of other objects (i.e. an empty cardboard roll of toilet paper, an electrical outlet, an empty ice cream cone, a rolled up piece of sandpaper (not recommended). This culminates in the semen being expelled from their body and landing either on them or on nearby objects such as chairs, tables, in socks or (in some unlucky cases) librarians. The person then makes primal attempts to clean up the fluid using tissues, or their own tongues, and disposes of the liquid in a nearby trash receptacle or bog. From there, it evaporates, and condenses to form clouds, completing the water cycle. In some cases people eat their own semen instead of disposing of it using the aforementioned methods. This is considered a "leakage" in the water cycle. Climatologists estimate that the world loses over ten million litres of water each year to people who consume their own or other people's semen.
[edit] How to masturbate [for those sporting a penis]
Recently, many cities have been experiencing severe water shortages. This is likely because of a severe lack of masturbation that has caused much water that people drink to no longer be circulated back into the atmosphere. You can help with this crisis by masturbating more. Think: when was the last time you masturbated? How much semen is, at this very moment, sloshing around inside your body when it could be quenching the thirst of dehydrated African children? That water inside you could be raining on Georgia right now. Masturbation stops droughts!
But in order to masturbate, you must first know how. Most people know how since before birth, but you are an exception. First you really need to get some privacy (see pic below). However, if you have budget constraints, a locked bedroom, voting booth or a bath will suffice. Although not a must, it gets embarrassing if someone (like a parent) walks in on you. However, a friend/spouse/partner/neighbor/stranger/family pet is okay, as they will most likely do it with and to you, in that order.
Then remove all articles of clothing that are presently on your body. In order to masturbate, you need to touch your genitals. And while it's possible to masturbate while clothed, it is often rather sticky and embarrassing. I'd like to see you try. May I remind you, it helps a great deal to have genitals. If you don't have them, and find a way, we recommend you send a note to this website with a diagram.
As said above, find a visual aid that will give you an erection. Wrap your hands around your 'head'. (NOTE: You should take precautions. Don't try this if you have dry skin. It may become a fire hazard. Over five million men have burst into flames as a result of this. Always remember to masturbate with a fire extinguisher within reach. For more information, call your local health department.) Using a lubricant, like Lard, Bacon grease, Peanut Butter, Crisco, Sandpaper, KY Jelly, Vaseline, a Banana peel, Shampoo, Midori, Saliva, Ink or the mutilated remains of a Smurf will ensure optimal performance.
It has often been said that lying on your masturbating arm for enough time, until you can not feel it any more, and then going for it makes it feel like somebody else is doing it (though this is at your peril... I still can't feel my fingers, and my nails are going a funny "black" color. Ah, well, it was worth it I suppose). Now, move said hand up and down in a vigorous manner, from base to head, increasing speed as time goes on. Make plenty of groaning and moaning noises. Also, in the event of having The Big Wank™*, it is important to exuberantly use The Big Wank™ Face (see right). However, try to go at it as much as possible, as delaying your orgasm causes it to feel much better and increases the amount of water that will be recirculated, though explaining why you missed a week's worth of work might run into awkwardness. Some people delay their orgasms for years,j ust look at Al Gore's smug face, although beware that jerkin' the gherkin for too long can case chafing and snapping of the banjo string, in case of snappage, you can acquire a 4 pack of banjo strings at any good musical instrument store.
Now you clean up, as quick as possible. While Double Quilted Kleenex tissues are recommended, an old T-shirt or a towel will do. Socks or hamsters are also acceptable. A tongue is okay if you can reach like Gene Simmons. Other means of clean up include vacuuming, water spraying, and Sally Struthers (although water spraying depletes water resources on a short term basis, the combination of water and semen is vital for the continuance of the water cycle, and thus totally fun and recommended).
*The Big Wank™ & Co. claims no legal obligations for any possible symptoms of using it, such as severe blindness, hair loss, digestion inhibition, ingrown toenails, pelvic fractures, swamp ass, homoerotic urges, and/or weewee detachment.
[edit] Gay Masturbation
Conservative masturbation experts Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh have spoken out against gay people masturbating, and have contrasted that with conservative men masturbating to pictures of US Presidents. They have legitimized the latter, since conservative men masturbating to a picture of Ronald Reagan(as Limbaugh does) or George W. Bush (as Hannity devotes himself to) is not gay, it is manly. As Hannity once stated, "I whack it to Bush's pictures 3 times a day, and I'm not gay-homo, because I'm not liberal." Gay people masturbate over themselves in the mirror. Ironically, transsexuals pleasure themselves to pictures of Sean Hannity.
[edit] Female masturbation
The female technique for masturbation consists of a woman taking off her panties, then realizing she doesn't need to masturbate and either finding a male to do it for her, or watching Oprah. Also, scientists and their studies agree that when Oprah refers to her scumbag vagina as vajayjay, it completely dissipates any and all sexual urges the female viewer had at that moment, furthermore making sure females keep their hands away from the naughty bits.
[edit] Religious masturbation
You're not supposed to do Premarital wanking. You're not to do Postmarital wanking the wrong way either.
[edit] Using animals
If you are going to use a hamster or a bee as a masturbation aid, remember to cover it in duct tape in order to keep it from splitting in two. It is suggested instead to substitute a kitten, as the act of masturbation promises to kill kitty regardless of how you do it. The preferred tool for hamster anal insertion is a bare paper towel cardboard tube. WARNING: Do not use a flame as light in order to find the hamster in your ass. The colon contains methane gas, which is highly flammable. An open flame may result in a flaming hamster shooting from your anus. Just ask Richard Gere or Carol Vorderman.
Dachshunds are often inserted into the anus. This practice is associated with mid-westerners and Richard Gere. If you are going to practice this 'art' please remember that the dachshund will suffer severe effects from the anaerobic atmosphere within your rectal cavity. Scratching of the colon will also occur, so you may want to trim the claws first.
[edit] Public Masturbation
Public Masturbation is common among teens ages 13 to 17. This is the stage where most boys are sexually progressing and masturbation becomes a necessity for survival. Therefore boys will sometimes masturbate in a public place such as a locker room, toilet, gym class or at the back of the the main hall during assembly. Some even at the front of the hall.
Masturbation at school is most commonly done during gym class because physical exercise makes teenagers horny. Actually, most things make teenagers horny, including teachers, Al Roker, National Geographic, The X-Men, computers, public restroom graffiti, and ducks.
If you're considering masturbating in front of people, it is best to make sure there is ample seating with disabled access and that viewing is unobstructed in a clear 180 degree arc. This guarantees a sufficient firing range.
[edit] FAP Cola
FAP Cola is a type of soda made by Coca-Cola with all the normal soft ingredients, plus clemen and vodka. This makes it incredibly sweet, while also making the one drinking it drunk and creating a high-voltage field of sexual energy, that can give the drinker (and people in a 30 foot radius around him) immense sexual pleasure, an erection, and possibly even an orgasm. Even if you are a man, an orgasm reached by using FAP Cola spits out clemen, which should be placed in the FAP cola can, and then the can should be returned to your local coca-cola licensed bottler, for recycling.
[edit] Masturbation in sport
It is a FIFA requirement that professional referees are experts in masturbation (referred to in the laws of professional football as "wanking"). Generally speaking the better one is at masturbation, the better a referee one is. The crowd chant "The referee's a wanker!" often heard at English football matches is a sign of the crowd's approval of the high quality of his performance. Shouts of "where's your glasses ref?" are a further sign of approval, in reference to the well known side effect of blindness in expert wankers.
Formula 1 driver Jacques Villeneuve has also been known to "squeeze one out" during a few of the races of the 2005 Formula 1 season. Fortunately, on-board footage of this is non-existent, because Villeneuve got the lens of the camera during pre-season testing and no-one in his team wanted to clean it off.
[edit] The "Danger Wank"
A tactic often practiced by students and fans of Celine Dion. The "Danger Wank" is an attempt to have a full wank and get cleaned up in a situation where getting caught is very likely. The "Danger Wank" is most often a race against time but is also an exercise in stealth and Kleenex technique. Examples of this are:
- In a lift between floors
- Whilst your mum is making you a cup of tea in the kitchen
- Whilst your wife/girlfriend is in the bathroom
- At a Celine Dion concert
- On a roller-coaster
- Behind the pulpit during a sermon
- In a confession booth
- At a red light
A danger wank should not be undertaken by the weak hearted, pregnant, those on medication, asthmatics, those with pace makers and especially not those who do not possess a Kleenex multi pack.
The most extreme form of danger wanking involves crying out "MUM!" at the top of your voice whilst in bed, and whacking one out (or at least trying to) before she runs into the room. This has been known to end mother son relationships and in several cases involve social services. So please do not undertake a danger wank lightheartedly as the consequences could be severe. An alternative form of danger wanking involves lighting a large bomb and trying to masturbate completely before the bomb explodes and kills you. This is extremely dangerous--but the terror of the bomb leads to very thrilling orgasms.
[edit] Masturbation Around The World
Masturbation practices vary according to where in the world you live. The act is illegal throughout the Middle East and much of Asia and participants in this illegal act can face up to 60 years in jail. In general, masturbation laws are more liberal in Europe, America, Oceania and Japan.
“It beats croquet any day.”
~ Tony Blair on his new favourite pastime
France: Masturbation is hardly ever practiced in France due to an excess of hot chicks for horny men to have sex with.
United States: Generally referred to as "Dick Cheyneying" in the United States, masturbation has propelled the growth of the world's largest industry - the porn industry. Americans were the first people to realise that having something to look at while doing the deed really helps things along. Hence the Internet was born.(Thanks Al Gore)
[edit] Long-Term Effects of Masturbation
- Hairy palms and, if continued after this point, werewolfism. It is a documented fact that all werewolves were prolific wankers. Scientists estimate it takes approximate 1,995.67 wanks to transform a person into a werewolf.
- Poor eyesight due to the fact that porn has been proven to be very hard on the eyes.
- Forgetfulness and/or possible memory loss.
- Addiction, for which there is the support group "Wankaholics Anonymous".
- Forgetfulness and/or possible memory loss. Sorry did I mention that already?
[edit] See also
- Pee Wee Herman
- Master bait
- Sex toys
- Burger-flipping
- God's masturbation
- The Scary Story Of The Scary Scottish Scotsman
- Alien vs Grue
- God, kittens, masturbation, killing, and you
- Masturbaction
