Warcraft
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- This article relates to War craft. For other uses of the word, see Warcraft (disambiguation).
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“My life for the nesoum”
~ adaoring fan on Warcraft
Warcraft is a series of computer games created jointly by Blizzard Entertainment and the Illuminati. The game is not actually an independent creation, but was made using the map editor of the much better known game Defense of the Ancients. The latest in this game series is WOW which is a MMORPG or Murloc Mages Root Gnomes, or something like that. It's a type of game where social introverts are forced to gather and interact. It's for this reason that many think it's a government plot to get as many nerds and geeks together at once to keep them from making bombs in their basements or developing plans to snipe jocks from the school rooftop. It's most likely for this reason that the game is highly addictive and has often been compared to crack. Why it's addictive has been of great debate in the scientific community. Notable scientists have studied the World of Warcraft; however, no actual work has been done because the damn game is too addictive and every scientist has been sucked into its vampiric embrace. This game has a 1 million % chance to give people absolutely no life and hold them in its world forever. When this happens many people then begin to speak in special language called l33t where they use different words and shortcuts as their minds and bodies become very, very lazy.
This is entirely documented in Comedy Central's South Park "Make Love, Not Warcraft" in episode 1008 (#147)
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[edit] Origins
It has been stated by various sources that the concept of Warcraft was first conceived in the writings of Nubiam Pown, an Orthodox monk living in the late 9th century. Many nerds and geeks debate this story, holding true to the fact that the writings are inspired, and the authors/ game creators are prophets spinning tales that will happen in the far off future after the current generation of Republicans let's global warming end the world. This theory however does not hold popular grounds since the series is a convenient rip-off of the popular series of fantasy books by J.R.R Tolkien: The Lord of the Rings which has drunker dwarves, smarter orcs, drug dealing trolls, cuter Gnomes, and, as pointed out by Oscar Wilde: "Hey, there are no deathknights in this story!".
The real truth is that Blizzard was inspired by Defense of the Ancients, an often played game which the well known Boreal Conflict creator French_Canadian once summed up as "Heroes, Units, and Linear Paths." The creation of World of Warcraft was financed by Saddam Hussein in an effort to locate a safe hiding place for his weapons of mass destruction. Warcraft expanded the game to include control of units, and somewhat less linear paths, and heroes who could not wtfpwn god in 4 seconds flat. However, Warcraft has failed to become as popular has dota, which has become an "allstar" game and won game of the year from many publications. There is also a map for Warcraft called Liquid Tower Defense in which one player described as "The Essence of God's Right Arm". Come on guys, this is a critically important thing to understand. It means that Earth could be overrun with all these pilgrims claiming that the land of Azeroth, Kalimdor, and those other places are the parts of Heaven. I think Kalimdor is Asia, right? Wheww, I think it is the upper part of Heaven, as the y said in their sacred book, The Upbringings of Radical Gaming. It was written by an Italian priest named Feluccio Compiuttia.
[edit] Netiquette
One of the things Warcraft is most renowned for is the fact it invented an entirely new language, somewhat similar to English but not entirely unlike the Romulan dialect on Kleidathu IV (as seen in Star Trek: The Inbred Generation season 4, episode 42). The main characteristic of this new language is how much of it revolves around the word "gay" and it's synonyms. Here is a glossary of frequently seen jargon which might confuse the gaming newbie, but are considered a "must know" inside the community:
"Ding!" - The player just leveled up. Or he/she feels lonely and wants someone to talk to him/her.
"Lol" - Translation: "I liked that". Of course nobody ever actually laughs out loud when they type this.
"Gratz" - Short form of Congratulations, which the average warcraft player can't spell.
"Gz" - Short form of Gratz, which the average warcraft player can't be bothered to type.
"<3"- Scrotum
" Plz " - Used by low life scum who are normally begging for coins or help leveling their char and have not grasped the concept of spelling please
"LoLWuT?"- A word meaning, what? Mostly used in the WoW Realm Forums And the City Trade chat Horde side on Alterac Mountains by a Player named Orccrossing (whom we all love).
"It's just game." - Translation: "I fucked up." Usually said when one player gets his whole team wiped in either pvp or an instance.
"My main is lvl 70" - This is the player's way of boasting his masculinity, not entirely unlike how human males brag or lie about the size of their penis.
"Chuck Norris once tried to run his own line of toilet paper, but it failed cause it wouldn't take shit from anybody!" - Or any other Chuck Norris joke is "barrens chat" dialect for when the player wants for people to type more Chuck Norris jokes and for other people to type "OMG STFU!!1."
The insertion of a "1" or simply typing "one" instead of an "!" is demonstrative of the average WoW tadpole addict's ability to express either excitement or shock, whilst clearly highlighting his extensive wordrobe. Female WoW players, usually taking the form of a Species-confused Night elf Druid undergoing an extreme identity crisis tend to have slightly better language. No excuses need be made for this grammatical mishap, unfortunately it is commonplace, despite the original answer being merely "sticky keys".
[edit] Races
There are many different races that reside within the Warcraft universe. Here are some:
Humans: The humans of Warcraft are similar to us, in the way that they are weak, narrow minded and un-intelligent. You can power them up by getting them to eat a wide variety of cheeses.
Gnomes: Short, delicious little edible bastards, hence why everybody loves them.
Dwarves: Fat, gun-nut Ostriches with beards. Like the people who play them, they are lifelong virgins, as they're too unattractive to get laid.
Blood Elves: After their city was destroyed in the third war, the few High Elves that were left became emo and started slitting their wrists. They find that this is the only way to appease their addiction to blood and carried on doing it, hence becoming the Blood Elves.
Night Elves: Originated when one of the game developers photoshopped a normal naked female High Elf to make it purple. It was then passed around the office. Unfortunately another Game Dev took it seriously and it was implemented into the game by accident. They may be hot but the graphics in WoW are so poor that you may often misstake night elves for anything between puke and Chuck Norris(sadly never night elves)
Orcs: Human body-builders who fell into a large bucket of green paint. This was taken to be an un-holy color by the Paladins and the Orcs were chased from the lands. Estrogen non present in supposed "female" orcs.
Draenei: A compilation by the same game developer that photoshopped the huge bodies of the Cthulu and combined it with a member of the Blue Man Group. Again, another Dev took it as the alliance race that was to be Chuck Norris [1] and eventually balanced the entire game.
Tauren: The tauren race began when lonely Native American cattle wranglers had sex with their cows, and 9 months later...
Trolls: Jewish looking, Caribbean sounding, African tribe acting, blue thingamajigs.
Hulk Hogan: badly shaven guys that look like trolls, special attack: Worst Chokeslam EVER... which basically makes any other attack to fail. These guys are annoying level -56 creatures that keep on following you till you die, constantly screaming HULKAMANIA... this is their most deadly attack because it makes you an Emo
Chuck Norris: One man races, he is a special breed of Chucks bred for this game. Only Chuck Norris is allowed to play them. He has many skills like stare or the roundhouse kick. Once he sees you, and roundhouse kicks you, it's all over. Good luck finding your head in Timbuktu, you hippy. He has cleared the Chuck Norris dungeon SINGLE-HANDEDLY!!!!
Gold Farmer: This class is only available to people from China. Designed for maximum gold collecting efficiency and spamming.
The Undead: Dead People. The classes available are Mage, Warrior, Warlock, Priest, Rogue, And Corpse. The main choice of geeks who want to be evil and scary and pwn all the n00b alliance players.
Nagas: The often steal grape drinkz, and noobs and leethaxorzpros alike can be found spamming the remark "OMFG NAGA STOLEZ MAH GRAPE DRINK!!111!11!" with macros in trade chat. Snake-something like creatures that live at the bottom of the oceanz and for some reason are waiting for authorization from Blizzard Entertainment to surface and wreak havok in the barrens. Where they will undoubtedly be pwned by CHUCK NORRIS.
Venners: The leetest of people in WoW can be called a Venner. A venner looks remarkably like a draeni with a triangle head. They are OG as you say.. Original Gangsta! (noted in 50 cents or 'fiddy sents' songs)
Frank the Feral Tank: A druid on the scryers realm. Likes Guitar and is a legend.
Murlocs: Freaky fish guys apparently from the ocean. Only class is Fish, which is just 1337h4x. Related to Naga in several ways, they have no clear language but apparently go "Grbglbrbglrbglrbr" to commune.
Sam: Sam is the only known western oriented gentlemen (WOG) that plays wow on a regular basis. He has 3 level 70s and a level 80 and plays on average 16 hours a day with 6 hours of school and 2 hours of sleep (although much of this time he is dreaming about wow). He is also known as 'Jack Besley'
Lobou: Epic hunter from the realms of Shu'Halo, this hunter does not need traps, he just "snipes!"
[edit] Classes
Bard: Just kidding.
Death Knight: Dead.
Druid: They can transform into Yogi bear, kittens and jews! RAWR~
Emo: A class which was scrapped up before the game was released because they were too powerful (and gay). Their most powerful ability was nag, which did "Chuck Norris" DPS, and were able to turn into sperm cells.
Hunter: A class too weak to fight for themselves, so they get an animal friend to kill things for them.
Mage: You blow stuff up with flashy fireworks while chanting in taiwanese.
homer simpson whos special ability is to do nothin and watch others die while he takes a shit it was removed because........... to be continued mwa ha ha
Paladin: If a warrior and a priest had a useless (but hard to kill) baby...
Priest: They can't necessarily kill anything by themselves, so they heal a monster hoping to coax it away leaving the priest alone. (For Shadow spec. priests, see warlock.)
Rogue: The rogue can the simple tactic of continuous stuns and posions to kill anyone except an idiot with a warrior who speced prot (protection), however most of the time they just spend their timing standing in stealth.
Shaman: A class with not enough healing spells to be a healer, not enough DPS (damage per second) spells to be a DPS character, and armor that's too lousy to be a good tank. Tauren shamans are the best, as they have a nice smoky flavor when slow roasted. they kick ass at life.
Warlock: FACE MASH!! A mage who can fear. Also likes to snort talcum powder. A fairly gay class, being able to kill you 3 minutes after you kill them. Sticky Fingers, one famous Orc Warlock, is the most world renown Warlock in existence (World of Warcraft).
Warrior: Though tough, they mostly refer to their weapon as "Smashy Crush-Crush", and have abnormally large teeth, and occasionally eat through their butt. This class is mostly chosen by white American trash immigrants who eat their own earwax. Gzibocod, although only level 23, is an example of a Undead Warrior.
John Howard: Similar to the Hunter in many ways. He too is a coward, but instead of using animals to fight for him, he summons a thing of "not so small" proportions (that's what she said), Peter Costello. Also uses his brow as a magic wand.
Mohawks: The most famous Mohawk is Mr T with his Lvl 999 Night Elf Mohawk. Mohawks have the most powerful spell in the game "YOU GONNA MEET MY FRIEND PAIN!" where the enemy runs away in fear for a thousand miles but is still killed.
I pity the fool who aint a night elf Mohawk! -asDCLAKDHCBLAKDCB
Domestic Engineer: For those people who want to play Warcraft but also be a pacifist in the game and avoid fighting. They can bake pies and cakes for other players and level up that way. They also clean up guild houses and remove bodies from the battlefield to give them proper burials. Only pussies choose this class. It is the most popular class so far.
[edit] History of Azeroth
Once upon a time, there was a planet called Dran’Outland and another planet called Azeroth. Some humans and some high elves lived on Azeroth, as did some gnomes and some dwarves. On the horde continent of Azeroth (as opposed to the Alliance continent which was also called Azeroth), there were some tauren, some “smart” and "stupid" undead, and some trolls. The jungle trolls were playable, but the other trolls were emo.
your face was here
At one point, the high elves had a crisis. The night elves were like “We’re hot!” and the blood elves were like “Bitch, please, we are so much hotter!” Then there were no high elves, only night and blood elves. The blood elves were addicted to magic and had some weird sort of fetish for mana worms. The night elves sometimes liked to play Happy Tree Friends with the tauren (it doesen't exist actually, they made up some lame game), except when they were doing PvP.
So, meanwhile, orcs were like “Oh, look- a biig portal!” and they got from Dran’Outland to Azeroth. They accidentally landed on the former troll capital, so they had to work together to build a new one called Ogrimmar. Then the orcs decided that they didn’t like humans, and the trolls decided they like to eat people, and so then Warcraft 3 happened.
Some time around then, there were some nasty troggs of the level 30 elite ish variety who hit up Gnomeregan. The poor gnomes accidentally learned the hard way that pesticides for invaders can also be carcinogenic for one’s own race. So, the gnomes who did not turn green fled to live in Tinkertown in Ironforge.
All sorts of lovely things occurred and became World of Warcraft. Then the gods declared, “We are successful and therefore need an expansion pack!” So, the wrath of the gods unleashed legions of demons known as the Burning Crusade upon the world of Azeroth and made lots of glowing things temporarily suspend PvP so characters could make demons dead. The Happy Tree Friends were not so enthu sometimes.
All the dranei were happy that the orcs had left, but unfortunately, some great evil came and gave all of them Russian accents and most of them evil personalities. The nonevil dranei left Dran’Outland and crashed with their spaceship to Azeroth where they were sexy but the men were barrel-chested, after which fetishes for cloven hooves became tollerable in public.
The end.
But not really, as there is still plenty of pot left in the world for Blizz to smoke and come up with more expansions and nerfs for wariros.
P.S. The blood elves were hiding until the Burning Crusade came out, at which time we could play them, though we were still pissed that you couldn't be a neutral goblin!
[edit] Warcraft: The Movie
Rumours are spreading on the internets about the production of a major motion picture set in the Warcraft universe by Jive Pictures. The film is rumored to be a blaxploitation flick about a Brother Orc who is taking the law into his own hands by escaping from the white Alliance mofo's who are trying to run him down. Game player Steven Amos is currently busy shooting the film in his backyard. The movie however is not scheduled to be released until September 02, 2023, since his neighboring cat constantly refuses to coöperate in its role as the tiger of "High Priestess Tyrande" played by his own mother. Other relatives of Amos fill the remaining spots of the cast. His dad will be representing an entire orcish army, with the exception of the orcish leader, who will be played by Amos himself.
The undead shall be played all by Ian McDiarmid, Michael Jackson and Muhhamed Jihhad, because their looks were said bring to 'life' the undead. The Nightelves shall all be played by an African tribe of naked woman. The humans will be picked from retarded dwarf looking midgets and use stupid lines such as "A horse kicked me once, it hurt" and "You're the king? Well I didn't vote for you." This movie will consist of random armies fighting each other, and finally end with the humans building towers everywhere on a map to kill the enemy, because thats what happens in real wars.
Nerd's everywhere will soon masturbate when this movie comes out and they can finally see a woman naked. However they are pathetic enough to believe Night Elves actually exist. They will dress up as male Night Elves in the attempt to get free sex. This effort will be thwarted when the acne bursts out of their costumes all over the girl.
All that is known about the cast is that Chuck Norris will be playing half of all the human males characters sporting this springs Big Voodoo Pants from Prada Europe.
[edit] Players
The average warcraft player is thinly disguised as a young, attractive and sexy being when as a matter of fact they are usually fat, ugly, single, sexually alienated nerds. so next time you see someone in this game who is a hot elf beware!
[edit] Trivia
- If people make fun of you for playing Warcraft just use mana burn, hex, death coil, summom water elemental, and big bad voodoo, (in that order)
- Sun Tzu was greatly inspired by the game Warcraft while writing his Pulitzer Prize-winning novel Pride, Prejudice and Pillaging.
- Around 5,998,341,345 people are not playing WoW at this moment.
- For unknown reasons, most WHOA (WoW for the IQ impaired) players claim that all internet slang is from WHOA. "KEK" means "LOL" because its translated like this in Orcish, and not because it's a short form of kekekekeke used by Korean gamers for almost a millannia now. If you do not know wtf kekekeke means, its simply because you haven't celebrated your 15th birthday yet, and because you play WHOA on a regular basis.
- Peter Jackson filed a lawsuit against Blizzard for stealing his idea of the undead from his film The Frighteners
- It's just a gayed-up version of Starcraft on land.
- The WNF paid three golden coins and 20 lumber from an ancient Aztec treasure in order to get its symbol the panda incorporated into the game. Blizzard however screwed them over after they discovered the coins turned them into pirate skeletons, by making the panda a drunk, lazy and lame character in the game.
- Men, pretty much.
- If all your friends(that's if you have any, which is unlikely)are playing warcraft games and are pushing you into purchasing it by means of peer pressure then calmly respond to them by saying "Yeh r1t3, i g0tz 1337 ski11z on my (category of game you play, ei FPS)g4m3s an 1 4int g1v1n em up 4 sh1t.U g0 pl4y ur gh3y WOW and/0r W4rcr4ft 111 g4m3s, stuf u gh3ys!"Holden Henschell
- Omg this game is so gay but i cannot get enough, does this mean im GAY?
- Probably does, gentle Henschell. It probably does.
- Thanks for clearing that one up. -Henschell
- I like Cheese - Brad Pitt
- The game is not gay - Tom Cruise
