Warhammer 40k

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“Comrades, you have no need of expensive models. I can get you a crate of vodka much cheaper than that.”

~ Stalin on Warhammer 40K

“Dudes, you don't need all those models, I can get you a shopping bag full of LSD way cheaper than that.”

~ A hippy from the 60s

“Games Workshop are a bunch of theiving bastards”

~ Ghandi

“ Well, plastic is expensive...”

~ Gavin Thorpe

“ I sold the Imperium and only got three Guardsmen you bastard! ”

~ Horus on Gavin Thorpe

“ Why make peace when you can blow up everything you lay eyes on? ”

~ Jesus in the year 40000

“ Would someone please ask the Emperor to hurry up and get off the crapper? ”

~ Chuck Norris

The many faces of the 41st millennium. This is the gay one.

Warhammer 40,000 is a supposedly innocent table-top game that teaches 10 year olds, awkward teenage virgins, nerdy virgin college students, and obese 40 year old virgins that the only solution to their problems is to kill everything. One way of doing this is to collect Warhammer. It is widely believed that the entire world would have been destroyed by Warhammer players by now, were it not for the critical mistake by Games Workshop of casting all models from pure gold (disguised to look remarkably like plastic), making a squad of even the cheapest soldiers cost over $300. Because of this, only super rich people can play 40K, and only millionaires can afford terminators (which are studded with diamonds, see below). There is a cheaper form of playing called "proxie" gaming, where players can use other or older models, lego peices, or self-molded peices to represent the models. This is far cheaper than buying the real models, but is frowned upon, and illegal for tournaments as they do not look cool for pictures. Proxie players form an even lower subgroup of a desperate minority of this tabletop gaming society.

40K has caused controversy in the past from its policy of enslaving younger players who, unable to afford to buy the new codex and update all their models, were caught playing older versions of the game in their bedrooms at home. These unfortunates are then converted into dwarves and sent to toil in the model foundrys, or made to dress up as Trolls and work in mail order. Games workshop also encourages 40k nerds to take drugs, which can be bought in any store, to really get into the "fantasy" aspect of the game.

[edit] The Armies

The universe of the game consists of two forces:

[edit] Space Marines

Main article: Space Marines

Although the most elite and fewest in number of army of the Imperium, at least half of the armies at any Warhammer 40k gathering are Space marines. Mainly these come from the Ultramarines Chapter, which is also known as the "Genericus Ultras", "Ultranoobs","Ultra Smurfs" or simply "That shit army you get in the boxed version of the game". Disturbingly, these spacefaring superhumans have a lot in common with Nazi Germany's 'Übermensch' concept, a fact that is widely ignored or denied by GW staff. There is also a blatently facist overtone in a lot of the Space Marine literature leading some to suspect that Gav Thorpe is actually Hitler. Or Eva Braun. Or both. The reality is, of course, that Gav Thorpe is Josef Goebbels, while most members of Games Workshop are actually hard line communists which explains their pricing policy which is designed to punish the capitalist pig dogs.

Though a Space Marine will kill a servant of Chaos without thought for betraying humanity, none have yet realised the immense hypocracy behind this act. Space Marines have long since given up on humanity and have probably taken so many steriods that they themselves cannot be considered human. The result of this is that Space Marines should cancel themselves out and cease to exist due to this paradox, leaving a great deal of snot-nosed children wondering why their valuable piles of plastic have vanished into thin air.

[edit] Space Marine Terminators

Comparing a terminator to a Space Marine is like comparing Mr Tee to a Hello Kitty doll. It simply is not done. Terminators came into being when ordinary Space Marines discovered they were gaining weight and decided to cover themselves with armour to hide this. Today terminators carry on this tradition, except the "armour" is in fact a misconception. Terminators in fact cover themselves with spray-painted tin foil and rush/roll blindly (because their folds of fat cover their eyes) towards the enemy which they hit like bowling balls. The tin foil is thought to be armour because terminators escape relatively unharmed from combat. This is for two reasons.

1. They are so revoltingly large that few enemies can stomach looking at them long enough to shoot at them.

2. They have no need for armour as their flab absorbs any incoming fire that enemies manage to aim at them.

[edit] Minor Forces (Not Space Marines)

Adeptus Administratum has relegated non-Spacemarine forces to the following page: Warhammer 40k Minor Forces

[edit] Rules

Unfortunately, there are so many rules and loop-holes in this game that trying to learn them all will, in fact, make your head asplode. The rule book itself is so heavy and non-specific that attempts to recreate medieval battles without it have so far been unsuccessful, and the rules in it usually don't apply anyway. Although it can be used as a weapon, "If you beat that hooker, you can get your money back". It takes approximately six hours to play one turn of the game, primarily because you need to roll a dice six times to decide whether or not one guy fires, and then do it again to determine if the person it's shooting at gets hit, and then roll another six dice to see if the one who gets hit actually dies, and yet one more boring role to see if the amour saves the person(RIDICULOUS!!!! Cough Cough.)

The separate, unique rules for each army are contained within a holy book for each army known as a 'codex' for each army, which should never be insulted in front of a player who plays that army, as they'll bitch and cry at you till you bleed from your ears. A recent misunderstanding at the printer's resulted in a batch of Space Marines codexes being withdrawn due to frequent pages with nothing more on them than, "Snake? SNAAAAAAKE!!!"

It is not advertised much, but it is in fact possible to play an entire game of WH 40k without looking at the rulebook. Do whatever the hell you want, there'll be a rule covering it somewhere. Spit on the other guys' soldiers. Elbow drop the table. Shoot your opponent in the solar plexus. It's in there somewhere.

[edit] Spin- Offs

- In addition to the original Warhammer 40k, There were many spin-offs made to rope in more sucker- I mean buyers.

• Battlefleet Gothic- A game based around flipping coins and launching churches into space. These churches fight it out to see who can have papal infallibility. Usually the battles are resolved by catapulting choir boys at each other.

• Necromunda- A game involving neither Necros or Mundas. The game also involves Wiggers, trying to be "Hard" while fighting other gangs of wiggers for water stills and old parts of technology when a better profit could of been made through drugs.

• GorkaMorka- A game about Mork & Mindy where players side up with either the alien Mork or his wife Mindy. Characters battle it out throwing frying pans at each other while yelling Shazbot. It also has Orks in Cars, Shootin' each other, Not different From Gang Members doing Drive-By's

• Inquisitor- This game is played with one player tieing all the other players to chairs and turning a bright light in their face. Questioning usually involves why a certain player missed a game and whether there is the remote possibility one of the players might have touched a girl since the last session. Usually the games get ugly and the Police are called when the Inquisitor starts cutting off digits with a pair of garden shears.

• Dawn of War- A much more fun "variety" of this game, made by taking the backstory from it, saying "screw all the rules", and turning it into another mindless computer game. Has two expansions, Sexual Assault, in which all the units are in bathing suits getting raped by Michael Jackson (especially fun with the Eldar, lotsa chicks in that army) and Cookie Crusade, where you control a bunch of different guys fighting over some planet for a bunch of random reasons, especially COOKIES!!! Oh yeah, and Cookie Crusade has ZOMBIE ROBOTS! ZOMBIE ROBOTS which are both immune to water and the Thriller by Micheal Jackson.... but they still die when they touch cookies. Finally, ShitStorm came with unholy retribution. This final patch of DoW presents 2 new races; Sluts of the Emperors and Sadist Eldars. The Sluts mission is to convert this one random star system into a big whorehouse business with the Emperor as CEO, while the emo eldars go around cutting other peoples' wrists and eat souls blah blah blah.... Hopefully we will not be plagued with these games again. ShitStorm is so plagued with bugs that some say that even though they decided not to include the Aliens/Tyranids they are still present in the game.

• Epic- A version of the game with even smaller models that is often dominated by titans which are vehicles the size of a large building and have the ability to p0wn...everything. There is also infantry, whose only function in Epic is to provide valuable traction to Titans walking across snowy paths.
• Apocalypse- like normal 40k, but with bigger armies. Was created solely to make 40k players spend billions on buying hundreds more little plastic models. Rumours were spread around that when a player collects 666 models, he gains the power of Satan. In fact, all that happens is they have to remortgage their house, and other 40k players become jealous of their miniature collection and mug them for it. By creating this spinoff, Gav Thorpe unintentionally started a chain of events leading to the REAL apocalypse, the one with less models and more fire and devils. Way to go, dipshit.

• Warhammer 40k: BNP Edition- Conquer the "Minority" in this politically incorrect game. Includes a limited edition "Hitler" piece.

• Hello kitty- a Japanese incursion into the mainly fat white guy dominated nerd fest.
  

  

  Box art for Hello Kitty spin-off..... it really is shit isn't it?

[edit] Facts and Trivia

Trivia sections are are subject to Xenos Horribilis! Die in the name of the Emperor!

The article could be improved by reading it upside-down, or something, I dunno. Did you know it's impossible to lick your own elbow? Unless you're some kind of freak.

• If your general dies in the game, you die in real life. Therefore you, since you are a n00b, should give your commander as much wargear as possible.

• Hitler got his idea to invade Poland while reading a battle report in White Dwarf magazine.

• Most races in the game are equipped with weapons that can go right through people and kill tanks in seconds, but like to beat each other up by slamming their guns at each other instead of shooting. Also, despite the fact that guns (or similar powerful ranged weapons) have been around for millenia, they all carry crap like swords, knives, or claws. No one knows why.

• Even if you happen to have armour with strength comparable to cardboard, and happen to be facing enemies with uber jacked-off rocket machine guns, the enemy firing these weapons millions of times will not stop you getting close enough to punch them, provided you have enough people.

• The God Emperor's real name is George W. Bush.

• Horus, the betrayer of Mankind & the Emperor, real name is Barak Obama.

• The Blood God's real name is Chuck Norris.

• The God Of Excess' real name is Bill Clinton or Peter North (one in the same if you ask Bill).

• Tau PWN at range but are too afraid of hitting things with their fists or weapons because they might break one of their manicured nail.

• As the orks demonstrate, axes go through tank armour without much of a problem. Likewise, huge guns that fire explosive bullets, which can apparently rip through armour, will have no effect on their unarmoured green skin. This slight discrepancy may be explained by the orks' body odour. We couldn't get close enough to test this.

• Despite being "advanced" compared to Earth today, all races have lost the technology needed to create nuclear weapons. Instead, they have to go out there and get their asses kicked.

• Technology does not seem to advance, even over 12,000 years. Although the Imperium have a lot of REALLY advanced technology lying around, they are too sissy to use it, and they get confused when other races aren't. They are quite good at losing technology though- they lose all the technology they need to actually win the war.

• If you are going to play as the "Oscar Wildes" you will not be able to, because 1 unit costs as much as 100 Defilers and 50 Space Marines and the codex they use is full of quotes, so as to make your head asplode.

• By 2020, the game's creator, an unknown Japanese businessman, will be rich enough to buy the entire world.

• When you play Warhammer 40,000, a little part of you dies inside, and a Domo-Kun kills a kitten because all Warhammer 40K players masturbate far too much. (Said like a true Warhammer Fantasy player)

[edit] Things Not To Say To A Games Workshop Employee

The mention of the following to a Games Workshop employee will cause them to strike you down with their strength 6 power weapons, gifted to them by Lord Jervis.

• Oh, so this is why your wife left you.

• What "team" do you collect?

• I've just started playing. Is Marneus Calgar a good starter unit?

• How can you survive outside GW, do you need a gas mask or something?

• Do you have a girlfriend?

• 6 trees for £20! That's a rip off!

• Isn't hobbycraft terrain cheaper?

• Ever jacked off anywhere other than your chair?

• How much is this Lemon Russ?

• Don't you feel guilty, dirty and full of shame when you go home?

• Doesn't working for GW want to make you kill your co-workers?

• Aren't Space Marines a bit overpowered?

• The way you've painted that thing with horns makes it look really cute!

• Do you have a life?

• Why is it that these guys have had guns for thousands of years, and yet have reverted back to fighting with axes and swords?

• Do your customers realize they are being robbed? Seriously, GW crap is expensive. You'll never be able to afford a home if you keep playing. Do you have a home?

• Isn't this just another face of obsessive D&D faggots?

• Ooooooh, like video games. Without the fun!

• There was a Chuck Norris model released in 2004 but it was recalled when over four hundred people died from ownage over-dosing.

• What can I get for a buck?

• Does that model come in men's?

• Do those dice come in men's?

• Does that rulebook come in men's?

• Does that 6" ruler come in men's?

• That 6" ruler is your penis.

• Does it still come in men's?

• You make the best domino pieces ever.

• I thought Satan was the only one who dealt in the bartering of souls for material possessions.

• Wow, this stuff is really expensive.

• Why the hell would I pay $8 for super glue?

• Can I just use your bathroom?

• I'll buy it when some rich person dies and leaves me their fortune.

• Oh my god! What the fuck is that smell!? Sniff, sniff; Is that... Is that you!?!

• You know there are other things outside of this store right?

• Space Marines suck!

• You guys are geeks!

• N00b!

• Orc is spelt Orc not Ork.

• I thought Rhinos were animals.

• Aww sucks. Can I roll again?

• Is this move legal?

• But the book says...

• Do the models come assembled?

• Do they come painted?

• Can you paint my models for me?

[edit] See also

• Starcraft (official patch)
• Emperor of Mankind
• Dawn of War
• Dawn of War: Dark Crusade

Adorno wants you to ponder this article thoroughly, and, of course, critically.