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Patriarch Washington, ill prepared to fight the British with his outdated codex.

In Warhammer 40k players play one of two forces: 1. The Space Marines, greatly favored by the the God Emperor, honored by the Imperium and sold to new players by the Adeptus Redshirtii or 2. One of the many shunned, minor forces. The Space Marine exterminatus of these xenos, heretics and mutants is so effective that many predict by 192.M46 all these other forces will be available through direct order only.

Each of these small, insignificant forces has their own codex, that can be purchased for $22, until the September 29, 2008 price increase due to the failure of Games Workshop's crappy other game, Lord of the Rings (See "that game no one cares about in the back of the store", also, "that game with everything half off but still no one wants it"). While the Space Marine codex is kept up to date, all other codex's are treated as ancient works from a Games Workshop long past. The most notably archaic tome is the Dark Eldar codex. Modern copies are the same version carried by George Washington as he crossed the Delaware. A single codex alone is not enough to play the game, but combined with the core rule book, a dungeon masters guide, monster manuals I-III, fire, wind, water and heart, Go Planet! By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!

[edit] Minor Forces

[edit] Imperial Guard

Normal humans given the short straw and forced to fight against super human alien killiing machines using flashlights, butter knives and bad language. Classic IG tactics include Red-Rover defence walls, where the troopers all hold hands and stand in a line to stop enemy tanks from passing through, and Omega-pattern mine clearance, which is basically the same thing except everyone walks forwards at the same time. Even though they are the most common fighting force in the Imperium, there are approximately three players in the world that actually use this army on the tabletop. A much talked about fourth player, John Tillings from Kent, is rumoured to have around 1500pts of models but when asked he has repeatedly denied this. IG have four main strategies.

1) Mobbing. This involves simply sending 40,000 men over the top and crushing the enemy to death. This tactic is, in principle, unbeatable but as no one has ever collected 40,000 models it rarely turns out that way. Instead, the 25 models you sold your house, children, and left kidney to afford are usually torn apart by enemy fire before getting out of your own deployment zone.

2) Mass surrender. By surrendering in huge numbers the Imperial Guard can seriously hamper their opponents who will need to half their entire army to guard them. This tactic usually leads to a defeat, but a draw can sometimes be salvaged if you "accidently" knock over the table and then claim you can't remember where all the terrain was placed.

3) Mass suicide. See "Mobbing" above.

4) Mass armor. The alternative to mobbing is using the IG's access to a great number of tanks. Unfortunately, since one tank requires painting skills (which means buying a drop of paint for 10 gallons of gasoline), the actual tanks (if you have no more gasoline, you must pay with 10 gallons of blood for a single tank), and with the new updated rules about infantry counting for points to win, has made this tactic obsolete.

The Guardsmen have many different regiments each with their different doctrines. Each regiment is carefully designed to take the piss out of a particular country or people by perpetuating outdated 19th Century racial stereotypes. All are sold separately, and the more racist the regiment the more ridiculous the cost. Example include

The Tallarn towelheads
The Valhallan drunks
The Death Korps sex-perverts
Some muscley guys in combat trousers, possibly from the Village People

[edit] Witch Hunters

Witch Hunters will kill you on sight if you have acne, freckles, horns growing out of your head, or if you are Mike Funk or Creston Irby or anyone who may be possibly uglier than either of the two(Witch is impossible), purely on the off chance that you are a witch. The most common test by the Witch Hunters to check if you are a witch is to round up a large crowd of peasants dressed in sackcloth (that would be you) then see if you weigh as much as a duck with a giant pair of scales. Other methods include advanced interrogation techniques, for example repeatedly asking "are you a witch?" while poking you with a soft cushion, or simply playing it safe and just shooting you in the head.

[edit] Daemon Hunters

Daemon Hunters will kill you on sight if you have acne, freckles, or horns growing out of your head purely on the off chance that you suffer from daemonic possession. Led by Inquisitors, this force includes "Grey Knights" who are super-space marines and are played by people with even LESS skill (who needs tactics if your halberd is 20 miles long?). The Daemon Hunters were formed in secret as the most elite fighting force in the Imperium. This is considered distinctly unsporting because, when it comes to getting their hands dirty in a fight, most daemons are about as effective as Italian soldiers wearing dresses and high heels. This has led some people to speculate that Daemons are, in fact, French. Grey Knight Terminators are some of the most expensive models available, each being individually hand carved from diamonds by Jesus of Nazareth. As a result, only Bill Gates and Warren Buffet can afford to collect this army.

[edit] Demon Hunters

Same as Daemon Hunters, just spelled differently. It is a little known fact that because of this clerical error in the early days of the Imperium, there are two entirely independent and highly secretive organizations hunting daemons/demons, both of whom are entirely unaware of each others presence. They also tie in with Space Marines in the fact that, although they are the smallest fighting force in all of the Imperium's zillion billion worlds, they seem to show up all the Emperordamned time!

[edit] Sisters of Battle

The Sisters of Battle will kill you if you so much as think the word "heretic". They will also kill you if they think your eyes are too close together. The sisters have so much faith in their God Emperor that most of them believe they can run straight through brick walls and fight on the battlefield half naked (my sister) (This may be related to the "Pink tactic", see below). This leads to something of a shortage of Sisters, hence their recent policy of recruiting prostitutes (Sammy Koon) and crack whores (Carington Suma) to help swell their ranks. This has lowered the quality of their troops and leaders somewhat, a change that is represented in the game by the loss of a point of leadership and the requirement that the player take a hit from a crack pipe every other turn.

[edit] Alien Hunters

Will typically kill you if they find any hidden alien technology in the boot of your car or if they decide you have a funny shaped head. Even looking at an alien is a crime punishable by death. The only acceptable contact with aliens is shooting them, and even then it must be done with your eyes closed and a string of garlic round your neck. Games Workshop has yet to release a codex for this force, making it is impossible to actually play this army. Thus, Alien Hunters are the only army anyone can actually afford (with the use of proxies. See Warhammer 40k article).

[edit] Eldar

Have *nothing* to do with elves. In fact they are so unelfy that they are a forgotten dying race with pointy ears and magic powers. Nope, nothing like elves at all. They are technologically advanced yet incapable of providing their troops with armor stronger than wet toilet paper painted bright yellow or weapons that can fire further than you can throw a rock. Their god's favorite color is pink, leading to speculation that all Eldar are gay which would also explain exactly why they are a dying race.

The tale of the Eldar is a tragic one however, at the height of their power their empire was blown apart by a massive psychic explosion caused by the Eldar's emotions, leaving what is known as the Eye of Terror in its place. This is the single greatest form of litter in the known universe as the Eldar have simply walked away whistling while every other race in the galaxy is left to clean up the mess. Their failure to clean up after themselves has led to many conflicts with other races who try to get back at the Eldar for being such "bloody whopping-great tossers." However the Eldar continue to run and hide like pansies, failing to either clean up their mess or even pay for the damages. Instead they sit in leisure on their planet-sized mansions floating through space watching the scenery. This might explain that, while the average warrior is 4,000 years old, he is still only as accurate as a hardly trained human.

Aim for the kidneys, its their weak point.

[edit] Dark Eldar

The same as the Eldar, only they look like they came from a particularly bad S&M party. Subject of many, many sexual fantasies by teenagers incapable of looking at/relating to real women. Renowned for taking to battle on unstable cocktails of drugs which causes their elite forces to spend the bulk of the confrontation examining their own hands. They tend to spend most of their free time living inside giant wine jugs, and fear the coming of The Great Wine Press, where a huge one will descend upon their realm and squash them all to a pulp. Dark Eldar have even weaker amour then normal Eldar so a human could blow on Dark Eldar and kill them, this also goes for dark Eldar tanks which are reknown for being made from papier mache, and being destroyed by sneezing in their general direction.

Great irony exists in that one of the most bloodthirsty of races in the 40K Universe are in fact one of the weakest. It has been theorised that the Dark Eldar were first created when the guys behind 40K got really, really drunk and decided to make an army of models so sharp that any players who used them would eventually gain so many cuts that their hands would just give up and fall off. Of course when the team sobered up and realised what they had done, they went about trying to make it a legitimate army to attempt to divert attention from the fact that it was a prank and dodge as many lawsuits as possible. Thankfully, the Dark Eldar are the most unpopular army in 40K, so very few cases have been reported. To all those who have heard the rumours that a new Dark Eldar Codex is coming out, you guessed it!! The guys got smashed again!!

On the other side if you are not a idiot you can make your opponent suffer,capture the enemy to make a bigger S&M party.Dark Eldar have their own fetish city thats no one can find because no one wants lose time searching one city while they can take planets

[edit] Tau

A bunch of blue skinned, noseless, vagina faced aliens (Example: Mike Funk) the Tau claim that they "just want everyone to be friends", and yet are very happy to blast anyone that gets in their way with several enormous guns (and claim it was for the greater good). The Tau strongly believe that they can beat any enemy by shooting lots of overpowered guns in the enemy's general direction. However, they have a slightly worse ability in close combat than a bunch of sandcastles armed with candy wrappers. Such is their sissyness, that they are quite happy to let their alien "allies" get ripped to shreds in close quarters whilst they hang around the back "supporting" their friends. For the greater good, of course (BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!! cough cough).

Generally, they are one of the more peaceful races of the Warhammer 40k universe. They will only shoot you after refusing to join the Greater Good, rather than on sight like most other humans or Chaos Space Marines (who would shoot you anyway regardless of who you are).

[edit] Orks

Distinguished from Orcs by the inability to spell their own name, Orks ~~talk~~ shout in a cockney accent all the time, or failing that a fake cockney accent. They carry big guns they can't aim for shit, but there are so many of the fuckers the bullets will wipe you out due to sheer laws of probability. They don't die easily, which is a pity, because they can't spell or have tea parties. They tend to have big axes though. They are also extremely racist, one group of Orks being "The Greenies" and the others being "The Whities", each group having a unbridled hate for each other. The Orks are famed for using Grots as meat shields, despite the fact they are only tall enough to conceal the Ork's boots. By happy coincidence, this is the most vital part of the Orkish anatomy; they use them to kick, and to think.

The Orkz are one of the happiest races in the galaxy. One of their favourite pasttimes is fighting. If not with their mate, then with their mate's mates than if not, with other tribes. the only thing stopping them from fighting one another, is the presence of other races. failing that, ANYTHING is fair game for a good fight. Hence, they are the happiest race in the universe as they will be happy fighting anything.

The basis of their technology lies in the WAAAAAGH!!! Their ear splitting shout is a combination performance enhancement drug, technology blueprint and reality defying matrix. the WAAAAAGH!!! allows steel tubing and boxes to become gunz (no ammo needed), bulks up all Da Boyz, driving them into a bezerk frenzy, and allows them to defy reality by allowing red vehicles to mave faster (Mach 1 running is still too slow). Furthermore the power of the WAAAAAAGGH!!! allows orks to turn bits of pencils, paper, duct tape and several pieces of phecal matter into a large space faring battleship able to take down Battle cruisers several times its size in one shot. As such, it is often speculated that Orks are, in fact, direct decendants of MacGuyver and/or the A Team, however these theories cannot be confirmed, because Orks are far too stupid/awesome to know their own history.

Da Orkz is all led by da meanest biggest stompiest ork of dem all. after stompin all da ovver boyz, 'es den called da boss and nows wes all goin on a WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHH!!!

The main reason people actually use them is 'cuz their wizards can Shoop Whoop.

They have nothing to do with Orcs because of the sudden call to lousy spelling!

Note: Warboss Generic Violent Sound is very aggresive

[edit] Necrons

Widely considered a n00b army, due to their special "We'll be back" rule. Roughly translated, this rule states that any player using Necrons automatically wins the game. Necron players are also permitted to use as many models as they like regardless of points cost, use loaded dice, and give a dead leg to their opponent whenever they feel like it.

Necrons are supposed to be undead machines which roam the galaxy destroying all life they encounter. Apart from creating extremely repetitive and mindless games they bear a striking resemblance to the Terminator robots from the film with good ol' Arnold Shwarzewhatever. Just remember that this does give you license to;

a)Sue every Necron player you see for plaguerism.

b)Question every Necron player as to why they have chosen such a cold and heartless army and relate it to how cold and heartless the player must feel inside.

c)Beat up every Necron player for defiling the glorious legacy of the Terminator films.

d)Beat up all Necron players who say "We'll Be Back," in an Austrian Accent.

e)Feel good about yourself regarding how much you have/will enjoy/ed beating up children smaller than you and how much they deserved it.

Fans have begun to suspect this army was only created when Gamesworkshop recieved a vast sum of money from the coca-cola industry and thus created "living, killing, invulnerable coke cans of death and destruction". During the editorial stages, they were changed to undead skeletons to make the influence less obvious even though they kept the Coca-cola logo on all of their model's behinds and vehicles right next to the "Made in future china" bumper.

[edit] Colour Scheme

It is also quite depressing to see that 99.99999...% of all Necron armies you see will be painted dead silver. Though Necrons are made of metal, it is no excuse for being unimaginative. Though many n00b players will claim that metal is silver, they are quite easy to shut down by pointing out that 39 thousand years from now, there is a slight possibility that such highly advanced races will have discovered paint.

[edit] C'tan

These are giant scythe wielding hooded star gods who for some reason have found it amusing enough to hang about killing things for the Necrons. We dont know why. We don't care why. There are Four C'tan in existence, the Nightbringer who whiles away the millennia by carving his way through the Imperial guard one at a time, the Deceiver, whom merely sits about watching events unfold then descends at a later date to claim it was all his master plan only to get a mean scolding from Tzeentch, the Outsider, who left the C'tan before they released their first big single "Star Mangled Canner", and the Void Dragon, who has infiltrated the heart of the Imperium and now works as a toilet janitor on Mars. It is rumored that he actually is MacGyver.

[edit] Chaos Space Marines

Space Marines... only evil. And pink. And whining pansies. They put horns on their helmets so they feel like bad-asses and not Space Marine rejects (which they are, which is also the most bad-ass name in the history of Warhammer). Designed so that people won't just play Space Marines, and there will sometimes be two armies. Often called "Space Marines with Daemons coming out of their asses". For some reason, they think that pink makes them look scary, and so have developed the tactic of painting their armour and guns pink. This is actually an effective tactic, as the enemy mostly dies from laughing too much. Chaos Marines worship the four gods of chaos, and use the "gifts" from their gods to win battles. There are the worshippers of Nurgle, who kill their enemies by repeatedtly farting in their "general" direction. The followers of Khorne spend most of their time stuffing their faces with drugs, and so most have extreme paranoia and frequently froth at the mouth. The forces of Slaanesh are the most common users of the "pink" tactic, and specialise in raping the enemy to death. Armies of Tzeench believe that being turned into dust/having tentacles growing on their eyeballs is the coolest thing ever.

The Chaos Space Marines (or at least of them) have Photonic Epelepsy meaning that nearly every Chaos Space Marine on the battle field would be a Spaz by the end of it with all the flashes of the guns.

Speaking on behalf an owner of a huge Chaos Space Marine army, Chaos Marines think they are so bad-ass when you put a noise weapon in their hands and say it's a guitar. That would only come to the fact that it is my dad on the battlefield and he is about to blast the other armies asses off with his awesome guitar abuility.

[edit] Tyranids

Da Tyranids are a bunch of bugs that are very hungry, reminiscent of 'Alien', in that they never seem to gain weight. Russians are accused of stealing war tactics from the Tyranids by throwing massive amounts of units at the opposing army with no regard to life. Anyone who plays as Tyranid is therefore a communist (That goes double for Imperial Guard players... actually triple). Often renowned for evolving but the figures never really do. By evolving Games Workshop means they cut up old miniatures and stick them together in different ways and call them new. It is a well known fact that Tyranids are the most annoying race. The Tyranids are armed with a variety of disgusting weapons which spit, toss, spray or otherwise propel unpleasant critters (yes, it is alive) at their foe, who invariably die of terminal heebie-jeebies.

[edit] Motivation

Similar to the Necrons, any games played against a Tyranid player lose any sense of purpose. Though other races could be said to fight for morals, objectives, information etc, any story for Tyranids can be summed up with pitiful ease with a single phrase. "Tyranids are hungry. Tyranids shall feed." (Okay, two phrases)

It is also sad to recall that even though the Tyranids are such a mighty race with pitiless hunger, some units in the army can shoot. These units are pussies and should be erradicated from the planet. Such an alien race is clearly very very hungry, and if a hungry Tyranid sees one of its brothers/sisters hanging back and shooting like a pansy, he is likely to call the entire army to kill the shooter, lest their horribly cowardly ways spread. Such an act is a mercy upon creation.

[edit] Grots

Small, puny, weak, diminutive, snotty, horrible tiny orks. Can't spell either, but they have just one advantage over everyone else, and that is the ability to DIE. Quickly. Probably killed by two angry butterflies and a bad breakfast, making them far tougher than the average Eldar. They carry guns of such spectacular inefficiency enemy corpses have been known to spring back into life when these weapons are leveled at them.

[edit] Kroot

Bunch of Chicken men that will kill you, then eat your corpse, then get stronger. They also run a fast food restaurant: Kroot Fried Material. Where every Friday night, you see them perform the infamous chicken dance. Known to be very gullible; most believe that dying for the Tau is for the "greater good"!

The Kroot are also notorius for training a series of strange dribbling beasts. Serving as the elite of the Chicken men. Notibily the shapers that are armed with the latest in plumbing. By becoming chums with the Tau they have managed to develop their Chicken armour and plumbing

[edit] Squats

Squats? Never heard of them. Although, it was suggested to have Space Dwarfs

[edit] 40K Nerds

Originating from the planet Terror Infirma, these people are close-combat experts with no experience of fire-arms, and therefore run into battle brandishing the ultra-density weapon known as the Warhammer 40K rulebook. Their battle cry has developed over the years into, "Only when both armies are 6 inches apaaart!!!". They have also developed a rousing rally cry when faced with a far superior enemy. Wielding their 40K rulebook above their heads they yell to the heavens "What about my Saving Throw!?"

[edit] Chaos

A whole crapload of daemons that may appear as actual demons or brightly colored blobs. Despite their gay color scheme they are a pain in the ass to kill. Many float around and serve one of the four chaos gods ,Slaanesh. A violent sadomasochistic hermaphrodite. Tzeentch, the resurrected soul of Dumbledore. Khorne, an angry wannabe vegetable and Nurgle, a rotting corpse who dreams of becoming a real boy one day. There is one more god known as Malal, who was exiled for kicking everyone's ass at chess. Satan would be proud. (He since moved to playing Counter-Strike but was banned from every server he joined for being 'too good.' He now plays Runescape... coz no-one cares about Runescape. He also occasionally hax people's accounts on World of Warcraft)

[edit] Nazis

See: Space Marines

[edit] Vespids

Vaguely reminiscent of the crab people, vespids wear power ranger masks and go to die for the Tau, it is speculated that they are related to lemmings in this way. The Vespids are obviously perverts as they gladly die for vagina faced blue fish people, perhaps the heads of Games Workshop got high, and kind of, wandered of during the production of Vespids, which may be why they, like the Dark Eldar cut peoples hands, also, as they come in only flimsy metal figures, they are difficult to paint and build without ruining or breaking them, an obvious scheme by Games Workshop to squeeze the most money they possibly could out of the tau playing perverts, as every time a player attempts to put a drop of paint on a vespid, it covers half the model in all the places they DON'T want it to, forcing them to buy hundreds of vespid squads since merely by the laws of probability they should get about four painted right, by which point they will be slaves to Games Workshop as they couldn't afford the models any other way, and they will be close to death if not already dead due to the fact it takes four weeks to paint a single model.

Warhammer 40k Minor Forces